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Is she a loser?
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by Fede85, Nov 04, 2012
Good day,

I'm 25 years old, been with my girlfriend for 3 years now, we've had a pretty intense relationship, I have to travel a lot because of my work and sometimes we can be 1 or 2 months far away from each other, however, we share the apartment almost since we started the relationship, which makes us look like a married couple.

What I'm struggling with right now, is with the way she is. I'm an engineer with master's degree and working for a successful company, I grew up in Venezuela but seeked a scolarship in sweden and ended up living here by my own. I wanna have a successful career and build a solid relationship before taking the step of marriage. My girlfriend on the other hand, is the same age as me (25) but has abandoned already 2 careers because she couldn't handle it (first economy and then languages), her only friends are her sisters and her mom, who she calls every time she has a problem of any kind (even to kill a cockroach, not kidding). Right now she works as a cashier in a supermaket and that doesnt seem to really bother her (she talks about how she is going to start studying again, but so far i'm losing my hopes), she lacks a lot of common culture and knowledge (can't name the continents, doesnt know how to use a printer, etc) even though she had a normal education. She forgets every kind of task she has to do, and even though I have advised her to make a list with the things, she is too lazy to write it down. She sits all day in front of the TV watching reality shows when she's home alone or painting her nails, changing the color of her hair, etc, etc. It's like if all her expectations of life were to receive the payment at the end of the month and then count the days to receive the next. I hate to admit it and I have tried to deny it to myself but I think she's what they call a loser.

I dont want to make her look like a bad person, she is the sweetest girl on the world, everybody likes how she is, she's very friendly and good with kids, she loves me a lot and I also love her very much, she is a good girlfriend and always wants to make me happy, which I value and try to give back to her, our sex has never been something outstanding but is not bad either, and we try to please each other with anything we can.

I just really cant cope with this anymore, she's expecting me to propose soon and I just dont know if it's the right thing to do, she has made it clear that she wants to marry and have children before the 26's and I'm not ready for that.

I love her very much and it would be very hard for her and for me to break up after 3 years of such intensity. I have never even been close to betray her. I already know what the advice would be (break up with her), I just want to know if there's somebody with the experience, or knows someone, who actually got married with a woman/man like the one i'm describing, and if it finaly was worth it. I'm still young and maybe I dont realize yet that later in life professional success is not so important. I dont know.

Thank you very much for your attention,

Fede.
Member Comments (31)
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by lisaob1, Nov 04, 2012
hi...first of all..calling her a loser is absolutely not acceptable...quite wrong in fact after 3 yrs spent of your life with this young girl...BUT!....
Also...i think  you kinda answer your own question and your just searching for justification.....your not happy with this relationship..she doesnt seem to be "the one" for you...and that doesnt make you a bad person..if anything it shows your care because you obviously dont want to hurt her...if  you really..really..i mean truely really loved her undyingly..you actually wouldnt of posted your question...,only you can decide such a decision regarding the rest of your life....
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by AnnieBrooke, Nov 04, 2012
Well, first off, she's not a loser.  She just is not ambitious, or not ambitious for the things that you are ambitious for.  I guess it is possible that she is just a bit immature, but that is not a deal breaker either.  This does make a person a "loser;" if she is content with her life, she is more of a winner than some driven people who are obsessed with their careers.  Being a clerk at a grocery store is not the worst choice in the world.

That said, you are ambitious and have high goals, and already after only three years, it is not satisfactory to you to be hooked up with someone who has such a passive approach to life.  It won't get better.  

My sister married the nicest guy (so nice, he is still in the family after their long-ago divorce).  She is always in the news, has had several high-profile jobs.  He just was not on that page.  When I asked her why she was leaving such a sweet guy, she said, "He just doesn't have any ambition."

In other words, it is not an illegitimate reason to refuse to marry someone.  Even if she did have career ambitions that matched yours, the fact that she is on a time track for marriage and kids that you don't want, should be enough to send up all sorts of red flags for success in the marriage.  One thing that I know from my own life is that when the man and the woman have deeply-held wishes regarding kids that are diametrically opposed, no matter how great the relationship, what will happen is that one person will not get what he or she wants, and it will continue to be an issue, never really going away.

My thought is that the three years you have had were doubtless great, but they are gone past now, and the future does not hold so much promise of ease and agreement.  You two have come up to the things that are often deal breakers.  Up to you, but I wouldn't have any more sex (lest she get pregnant) and I would tell her you do not intend to get married until you are established.
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by AnnieBrooke, Nov 04, 2012
sorry, typo -- it was supposed to say "this does NOT make a person a loser, if she is content with her life, she is more of a winner than some driven people obsessed with their careers."  Bad one to have a typo on!!!  :)
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by AnnieBrooke, Nov 04, 2012
I might also add, per your title of your post -- even if you two do break up, I would try really hard not to judge people with more humble jobs as lesser than people with more striving or upwardly-mobile jobs.  This is not only true so you won't look like a snobbish a s s, but also because later in your career you will meet women who see more eye-to-eye on the necessity of throwing themselves into their careers and who want to be president of the company, etc., and if you have this loser/not loser judgement machine going in your head, you might give someone more preference than they deserve simply because you think they might be a winner in their career.  Creeps exist among the rich and the poor, and among the successful and unsuccessful, just the same as sweethearts.  Monetary success is not life success.  Don't give some future woman more credit than she deserves, even if you do decide your present girlfriend is simply not into the same driven trajectory that you are.
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by RockRose, Nov 04, 2012
Let me take a guess here.

She's prettier than girls you could expect to attract and keep, if you were to break up with her.

Yes?
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by Fede85, Nov 04, 2012
Thank you Annie for your reply, that's the kind of answer I was expecting, I will certainly re-read your answer again while struggling with my decisions. To RockRose, she is very pretty, very much than the average pretty girls, but your guess is not so accurate, as a Venezuelan living in Sweden I found it much more likely to attract girls that to me are my ''dream type'' (talking about the physical aspect) than in my years in Venezuela, So if I were driven only by physical appearence, I would certainly not be so worried since I'm surrounded by what my friends in venezuela call dream girls (blonde hair, light eyes, etc). I dont know if you understand what I mean. Now, I would like to know what conclusion could you draw from my anwer if it may help me.

Thank you very much (and hoping for more answers to come, of any kind)
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by wyrpamatz, Nov 04, 2012
I'm more ambitious than my husband but that mean that we're not happy. I just strive for better things for both our futures.
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by RockRose, Nov 04, 2012
Well,  I'm out of answers,  Fede.   You don't respect her intelligence,  you think she is silly (I do too,  frankly if she can't even kill a cockroach on her own) she only has a small circle of friends,  which are her sisters and mother,  she has no motivation to succeed,  your sex life is average,  and you don't find her overly attractive.  

This is your description.

Why are you with her?   This is a question to you - because I really don't get it.  You don't seem to value any part of her.
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by lisaob1, Nov 04, 2012
wow..some great advice there reading over posts...all of which suggest that your obviously not on the same page as your girlfriend..and all of which is obvious to see...
calling her a loser is quite obnoxious..and really makes you come across egotistical..which i really can see you being...vain..young..etc..
your young..ambitious..and that is admirable..good on you..but if your heart isnt there with this girl...let her go..but gentlemenly and respectfully and dont regard her as a loser