Aa
Is something wrong with me?
Is something wrong?
So here is a little about me. I am a 23 year old college graduate. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers. All my life I have been a little reserved and shy. It wasn’t until my senior year in high school where I started to become more talkative. I didnt have too many friends as a child, I had a few. I moved around a lot as a kid. We have been evicted many times because we were unable to pay rent. I switched schools several times and it was hard. So anyways, the problem is now, I have friends from college. I have known them for 3 years. However, I still don’t feel too emotionally connected with them. I can’t talk to them about my deepest problems, Im scared they will think Im weird or something. I like to hang out with them, I have fun and I always like seeing them, but its like sometimes I like them and other times they are annoying and I don’t really like them. I feel that they can be too immature sometimes and I am not like that. Yes, I like to have fun and can act silly and immature at times, but with them its like they have no filter. They talk about everything, I have been raised that certain things should not be discussed in public. I think its just me though, I always find a problem, flaw in my friends and its really bothering me. I have also had this phase in college where I stole from them, it went on for maybe a year and I justified what I did and I only felt guilty and that I should confess when they knew the money was missing. They did not know that I took it. This was all in the past, and I hate that I did it, Im not even sure why I did it really. I am even embarrassed to admit to doing it on here. I did mistakes in the past, I judged people and I could be selfish. Also, everyone thinks I am so nice and stuff, but I don’t feel like that because of this. I lied before, about things I was embarrassed about or to avoid getting in trouble from my parents. I also gossiped about even my friends. I am always friendly and polite to people, because I don’t like being rude to anyone. However, I feel like Im being fake because I don’t always like everyone. I am trying to change, be less selfish and more caring and stuff. It just feels like the people I am closest to and really love are my family, even though I stole from my parents a couple of times too. I know, its horrible. Anyways, the stealing stopped now and I have also been not lying and trying to be a better friend. If my friends confide in me, I don’t tell anyone what they say. I used to tell people though, I am trying to be better now. I know with everything I said, its hard to believe that I am a good person, but I am. I just want to be better and have a true friend. Also, I am distant with guys, not in friendships. I prefer being friends with guys than girls. However, when it comes to romance, I get so scared if they come too close. I am flirty and like the attention they give me, because I do get a lot of attention from guys and I dont shy away from it, and no I dont sleep with them, I actually want to stay a virgin until marriage. It just frightens me to get romantically involved. Maybe this is because my dad used to love me as a child and then he got distant as I grew older, for no reason. We don’t talk now and its very sad because I miss him. I just feel like I can do better with my relationships. Im sick of pushing people away and doing stupid mistakes. Am I antisocial or what? I looked up the symptoms and know that they steal, lie, and don’t feel guilt or empathy. I do feel guilt and empathy though and I don’t lie to control people or get them to do what I want. I did steal, but that was for a year in college and twice in high school also twice as a toddler. I don’t feel like I am antisocial, but I want to know why I am like this. Thanks for the help.
I know this is a lot of info, but I tried to give you guys a brief recap of my life.
So here is a little about me. I am a 23 year old college graduate. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers. All my life I have been a little reserved and shy. It wasn’t until my senior year in high school where I started to become more talkative. I didnt have too many friends as a child, I had a few. I moved around a lot as a kid. We have been evicted many times because we were unable to pay rent. I switched schools several times and it was hard. So anyways, the problem is now, I have friends from college. I have known them for 3 years. However, I still don’t feel too emotionally connected with them. I can’t talk to them about my deepest problems, Im scared they will think Im weird or something. I like to hang out with them, I have fun and I always like seeing them, but its like sometimes I like them and other times they are annoying and I don’t really like them. I feel that they can be too immature sometimes and I am not like that. Yes, I like to have fun and can act silly and immature at times, but with them its like they have no filter. They talk about everything, I have been raised that certain things should not be discussed in public. I think its just me though, I always find a problem, flaw in my friends and its really bothering me. I have also had this phase in college where I stole from them, it went on for maybe a year and I justified what I did and I only felt guilty and that I should confess when they knew the money was missing. They did not know that I took it. This was all in the past, and I hate that I did it, Im not even sure why I did it really. I am even embarrassed to admit to doing it on here. I did mistakes in the past, I judged people and I could be selfish. Also, everyone thinks I am so nice and stuff, but I don’t feel like that because of this. I lied before, about things I was embarrassed about or to avoid getting in trouble from my parents. I also gossiped about even my friends. I am always friendly and polite to people, because I don’t like being rude to anyone. However, I feel like Im being fake because I don’t always like everyone. I am trying to change, be less selfish and more caring and stuff. It just feels like the people I am closest to and really love are my family, even though I stole from my parents a couple of times too. I know, its horrible. Anyways, the stealing stopped now and I have also been not lying and trying to be a better friend. If my friends confide in me, I don’t tell anyone what they say. I used to tell people though, I am trying to be better now. I know with everything I said, its hard to believe that I am a good person, but I am. I just want to be better and have a true friend. Also, I am distant with guys, not in friendships. I prefer being friends with guys than girls. However, when it comes to romance, I get so scared if they come too close. I am flirty and like the attention they give me, because I do get a lot of attention from guys and I dont shy away from it, and no I dont sleep with them, I actually want to stay a virgin until marriage. It just frightens me to get romantically involved. Maybe this is because my dad used to love me as a child and then he got distant as I grew older, for no reason. We don’t talk now and its very sad because I miss him. I just feel like I can do better with my relationships. Im sick of pushing people away and doing stupid mistakes. Am I antisocial or what? I looked up the symptoms and know that they steal, lie, and don’t feel guilt or empathy. I do feel guilt and empathy though and I don’t lie to control people or get them to do what I want. I did steal, but that was for a year in college and twice in high school also twice as a toddler. I don’t feel like I am antisocial, but I want to know why I am like this. Thanks for the help.
I know this is a lot of info, but I tried to give you guys a brief recap of my life.
Hi Cami... no nothing is 'wrong' with you. I've learned to NOT identify in my life with anything. I used to think I was too shy, like an outcast, too worrisome, not good enough, etc.. it VERY much affected how I am with others,I let them walk all over me essentially to be 'nice' and not hurt someones feelings, make sure they are happy etc. I think your childhood had a LOT to do with how you do things now. Like me you had a rough upbringing, often times my dad couldn't afford rent too. He barely talks to me as an adult, and my mom has BPD and rage issues. I think everyone kind of finds a bit of faults though w/one's friends, it is only human *hugs* and, NO ONE will ever be 'perfect'. I had to be in my youth, i had to be EVERYthing to my rageful mom, so I thought I needed to do this with everyone ... but we are NOT nor should we be 'perfect'. I often don't like when my friends won't return messages or just have SUCH a laid back whatever attitude b/c it shows they don't really respect me as much. I am so low key and giving, but I give respect, and sometimes they don't. BUT, I know they are there for me when I need, they have good points and can be fun....
I think the stealing, is just you kind of in the moment, trying to forget all troubles or worrysome thoughts maybe? stealing or lying is a bit reckless, and I know you are trying to change, That is the key C :) You know and FEEL it just isn't right, you feel it's not what you want, it's as if others stole from you , you would feel violated, sad, or mad. Also don't think you are weird Camijami.. EVERY one has similar thoughts and think they are really different from 'others' .. we are so much more similar. I think a great idea is just looking around for a therapist.. they are open, kind and can truly help you more.. with the patterns in your life that probably evolved from the past. I hope this helps.. another tool that helped me, Byron Katie.. she is such a great author, her books are SO good, helpful and calming. She makes you fear less about others AND yourself EVERYtime I read her blogs or book :) her site is thework.com ... keep us posted C *Hugs *
I think the stealing, is just you kind of in the moment, trying to forget all troubles or worrysome thoughts maybe? stealing or lying is a bit reckless, and I know you are trying to change, That is the key C :) You know and FEEL it just isn't right, you feel it's not what you want, it's as if others stole from you , you would feel violated, sad, or mad. Also don't think you are weird Camijami.. EVERY one has similar thoughts and think they are really different from 'others' .. we are so much more similar. I think a great idea is just looking around for a therapist.. they are open, kind and can truly help you more.. with the patterns in your life that probably evolved from the past. I hope this helps.. another tool that helped me, Byron Katie.. she is such a great author, her books are SO good, helpful and calming. She makes you fear less about others AND yourself EVERYtime I read her blogs or book :) her site is thework.com ... keep us posted C *Hugs *
We can't get you a "diagnosis" here, but after reading your history I will say you should seek therapy like yesterday. There are multiple problems going on here and you need the help of a therapist to sort this out.
In my opinion all this stems from these moves/evictions during your childhood. You were never really any place long enough to make lasting and meaningful bonds and now as an adult you don't know how to do this because you never had the opportunity to do this earlier in life. Now unfortunately you are used to having no meaning, purposeful bonds with others. To make matters worse your dad sounds like he has emotionally abandoned you.
BTW: I wouldn't recommend "googling" and self-diagnosing. Not ideal. See an ACTUAL professional about this.
In my opinion all this stems from these moves/evictions during your childhood. You were never really any place long enough to make lasting and meaningful bonds and now as an adult you don't know how to do this because you never had the opportunity to do this earlier in life. Now unfortunately you are used to having no meaning, purposeful bonds with others. To make matters worse your dad sounds like he has emotionally abandoned you.
BTW: I wouldn't recommend "googling" and self-diagnosing. Not ideal. See an ACTUAL professional about this.
Hi - You may have done so by mistake, but you posted you message to an Multiple Sclerosis forum. I don't think we're going to be much help.
Kyle
Kyle
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