Is that possible to find a trust after all?......

[ys1970]

Hello everybody. I have this question for a looooong long time (i'm 38 and married second time): is that possible to trust men after i've had my whole life experience meeting and hearing stories about men who are cheaters? Starting with my father who was a GREATEST cheater in a world, and it was only my mom's will to take him back every time to keep a family until i'm 18 y.o. She still lives alone - never had any relationship since they divorced. I don't want to be same way, so i'm trying to find my person. I've had two more serious relationship that lasted for 4 years each, but both were with cheating from the men site, that is actually was discovered after the relationships has ended. Now i'm married for 2,5 years. It was OK while i could keep myself not REALLY involved, i've been trying to be the one who is loved more then the one who loves. Now it's ended. I know that i want to be with my husband for the rest of my life, but i'm being jealous now. I do not trust him any more, even though he tells me right words about love, and that he doesn't need anybody - i simply make situations in my mind that might be happening at his work. He is an artist, used to be involved in a theater as an actor, so his art of talking to people is at a high level. He can "sell" you anything. He is busy with his freelance jobs, so he's never home. He calls me during the day, once or twice, but i feel that we;ve lost our connection. Before we've been together more and were doing almpst same things(i was helping with his projects). NOw i'm at home and he is at his jobs. How can i get rid of my jealosy and have a trust in him?

[ys1970]

Thank you Rose for this simple suggestion. I'll put all my mental power to fight with shadows from my past and childhood. My heart is with my husband, it's only crazy games of my mind that spoil everything.

[RockRose]

ys,  first,  you have to choose a good guy.  That's the whole thing.  

Some women are really good at picking,  some women really settle for fixer-upper guys they know full well are losers.  

If you have done well and picked a good guy,  don't drive him off by making sure you are the one who is loved while he is the one who isn't.  

You don't have to go to "psycho counseling" as you call it,  to decide to treat him well.  Just do it.  Just treat him well.

[ys1970]

Thank you for the posts. I agree that jealousy kills love...in a way it does. I agree that i need personal help to fight my past. I disagree with your statements about love....I've always been giving more into relationship then the other side, i am honest in it. It's been a self-protection, maybe a precaution of my mind after the last break up.....4 years living with a person who just used me for legalization here. I was in love with my current husband since i first saw him - i couldnt believe that we can go that far, it was "too good to be true". Now we're expecting a baby, very soon, but i feel ashamed for myself - for all this mistrust towards him. And i know that im going to say annoying thing, im holding it inside to make it go away, but it's coming out sooner or later. So as soon as i have my baby i'll make an appointment for phsyco counseling.....i have not tried it yet....

[mami1323]

You can't change until you want to change.  Have you considered individual counseling?  You have a lot of mistrust since childhood so it's going to take a lot for you to deviate your negative thinking.  You can't be loved more then you love, that's not fair.  That isn't fair to the person you are with and it isn't fair to yourself.  Both parties have to be invested 100%.  If you can't give all of yourself then why bother?  Loving someone feels just as good as getting love.  Maybe your husband isn't the one for you but honestly you probably won't trust any one you are with because of your past.  I think seeking help for yourself first would be the first step.  Then learning how to cope in a relationship is the next step.  I wish you luck, I have major trust issues and it's only because my fiance has cheated.  So it takes a lot to learn to trust again.  But if your husband hasn't done anything, there should be no reason to not believe him.