Is their hope

[mikesmith1]

I'll tell a little I am in a long distance relationship she lives in another country so seeing each other is rare on a regular basis. We have meet and have been together for about a year and some months.I know she is going through alot..she has depression is in therapy on meds ect.  Over the past few months sh has been slowly cutting all communication with just me. Video chat,then phone,ect I we used to text but now even that is not happening. When we last talked I could not ask any questions ask about us or anything the conversation became like business. no pet names no like BF/GF type talk. She still posts to FB and goes out with friends and talk to them all normal,However with me its like i am no longer their.She took off her jewelery that I got her that she NEVER took off. She says she loves me very much and she need to heal..from what I have no idea.She has smaller bouts before but it was ME that was their and she used me for support. Now its the opposite she is pushing me so far out of her life.That now I am getting depressed  again. I sent little texts telling her i support her and lover her never get any reply not even a thanks or OK...The no talking and the removal of her necklaces and rings send signals to me That its over and she just don't want to tell me.I could understand if she was withdrawn from everyone just its just me..Even the simplest things would be a huge help.She said she can't even listen to music i send her or emails. I was reading some but. I want to give her the support yes but at the same time I am upset too that I am being cast out while noone else is despite her telling me that I am the most important person in her life..It all feels like lies. A simple hello or i'm still around anything...I'm crying alot every time I see a post or photo she posts I had to stop following them their too painful. I am afraid that the longer she is away that easier it will be for her to relise she don't need me.She said were on hold..fine i understand that but to not even say hello? my heart and feelings don't stop because she needs to pause and I know its not going to be the same IF she ever comes out of it. I want to help her and I can't space may be great for her.But at the same time its causing My depression to return I'm not tring to be selfish at all I've just never delt with someone that has it this bad help,Advice is their hope?

[Londres70]

Gorean lifestyle was never mentioned in your posts and it seems your posts all over the board and confusing.

All the best with sorting yourself out and hopefully you do this with the help a therapist as it is apparent that's what is needed here.

Again, all the best.

[mikesmith1]

Sorry It was more then just an "online" thing but noone would understand that unless you know Gorean lifestyle. if you have to ask your do not know.

[Nighthawk61]

ah mike, don't throw us all under the bus. there's a good women out there for you too~ it's going to take time to get through the stages of grief that you are feeling.. i'm so sorry to hear your pain ~ You're feeling anger right now, and that's a good sign, better to be angry than to be in denial. The point i'm making is that you'll morph yourself through this to love again. Until then, you've always got us....keep your chin up Mike.

[Londres70]

"Women love to say one thing but they never mean it or do something else,a week later."...............No, correction:  this girl you got involved with did or does this.  We aren't all the same.  You got involved with someone who apparently has/had issues.  This wasn't really a "real" relationship; something online.

Use this as a learning experience.  No experience is EVER a waste.

[mikesmith1]

I have not spoke to her since that last time and don't plan on it.She has a new Man now  so I am not needed anymore.I was their for 2 years but she or her shrink or whatever decided i was not worth it anymore. She got what she wanted from me then did not want me anymore so screw it.I am just sorry I wasted my time and believed her thinking she was different. Pillow talk in the end are lies and worthless. Women love to say one thing but they never mean it or do something else,a week later.

[Londres70]

Well, I meant you sound too attached now........emotionally.  I understand that you love and care about her, but you need to be moving on from this.  She needs to work on herself by herself.  She doesn't sound like she is in a good place at all, but that is something she has to sort out.

I wouldn't recommend keeping in contact with her.

[mikesmith1]

Of course I was attached I was in love and before her depression hit she was not like this at all.We spoke everyday,when she had a problem she came to me,and vise versa. we were each others support it was not till this last depressed state hit her and she stared going to a new shrink that all this happened.

[Nighthawk61]

oh yeah.. single monogamous.....

[Nighthawk61]

Now all i have to do is NOT think about her with HIM...but if she is happy and not depressed that's all i can ask for.

Mike, you can ask for you to be happy and not depressed as your first priority. You can't move on from this emotional affair, as easily as she is obviously doing. Right now. Are you saying that you want to be in denial ? You want to pretend that she has not moved on. Are you going to be able to be a "friend" and not a lover ? To what expense ? Your being of the frame of mind to get back in the game and move on ?

I would be hard pressed to hold myself in limbo for an online emotional affair. I would think that I deserve more than that in life. On the other hand, different people take different amounts of time to be able to move on. One is not better than the other, unless it becomes grossly prohibitive, like months turning into years. The fact that you are opening up and talking about it though says that you are searching to know how and when to find your time to move forward. And that's good. It might be more helpful and useful for you to talk to a therapist, maybe a nice young female one in your area ? I'm glad you're here Mike. Glad you've joined us here.

[Londres70]

Mikesmith,

How old are you?  Your last post is really concerning........confusing and doesn't really make any real sense.  

I think you really need to start focusing on the positive things in your life and distance yourself from this negativity/drama.   You are WAY too attached to this person who is obviously mentally unhealthy and then as soon as she doesn't want to talk to you and shuts you out you become unglued and angry.  This is pretty toxic and unhealthy..........that's what you two are feeding off of here.  Putting her in the position to be your "rock" isn't ideal.  Do you have friends or family that support you?

I would recommend you get yourself in a better place and focus on yourself for now.  She shouldn't be your #1 worry or priority and she definitely isn't in any position to be ANYONE'S rock.  Let her sort herself out ON HER OWN.  Hovering over her by constantly contacting her, checking her FB page, etc. isn't going to help her or change things.  

BTW:   "palyagimist" or polygamy/polygamist has to do with multiple marriages at one time; not multiple relationships at one time.  I don't know how this has to do with the fact that she is with someone else.  Doesn't really sound like you have any real relationship with her.  This is someone who talks to you when she feels like being bothered and when she doesn't
she just ignores you.  That's NO sound, healthy OR real relationship.  

[mikesmith1]

Well Here is an update The last post actually happened a few days ago. Since then we had a brief but candid talk,That cleared more air then the hours of previous talk.Perhaps i was a little harsh on her,This depression really scrambled her eggs,She was caught in the reality of now and the emotion and love of being with me.This was holding her from being physically with someone Not many are accepting of the palyagimist mind.they do not understand it.  I see her point too we know we can't have each other physically,And that's what she wants and needs the online sex play was great and magical when we did meet.But what really kept us close and together was the emotional connection.Both of us agreed that THAT was most important and worth saving,we can still love what we had and shared and still love each other is a different way ,we both know their are different levels of love.We have been through so much crap together and we were each others rock.I credit the lack of sexual contact allowed us to concentrate on the emotional.an advantage to a ldr  sure i miss that part..yes i am sad i will miss the "I love yous" and the "good night babys"..the daily talks but strangely at peace and accepting  too. for us being part or each others life and being each others ROCK and support Is more important then the sexual part. I have a better understanding of what happened and why. she still cares and loves me as I do her so who knows what may happen later. Now all i have to do is NOT think about her with HIM...but if she is happy and not depressed that's all i can ask for.

[mikesmith1]

Well It appears you are correct Thank you for the consern nice to know i am not alone we(rather I spoke) spoke a few times,She don't like direct questions she is now dating someone "the one Mr right" as she said all within a week of knowing him..she said that about her last BF too you cant tell her slow down. jump right in that bed 2 date screw...now it appears her feelings for me even as a friend are going because as she said i have not done what she wanted..that is to just leave her alone..I tried but damn it i cared and worried for her,I don't know the rules of this game...I know let her go i get it but easier said then done she was my best friend too..so I am loosing both now my depressing is coming back 2 fold I can't cry no more their is nothing left..my trying to help her i just made it worse I apparently was supposed to sit and do nothing while she lived on..did not seem fair to me..but she held the cards and my heart  i guess i did her a favor now that she is upset and lost interest she no longer has that burden of loving me yet wanting to be with someone "their"  hell she should thank me  now i'm angry at myself for fuc**ng it all away now. and as usual she does not respond..she can't be bothered by what I have to say i tell her how I feel I'M being selfish......I am so lost she got what she wanted i got ****...I need space means the same no matter if their deperssed or not= I'm looking for your replacement when i find them i'll detach. I hate this I want to shake her off my mind..2 years sown the drain.

[Nighthawk61]

I know how you feel, my first husband became disinterested in our marriage and I had to move on. There were many red flags, which is what you're experiencing with your girl. I refused to look at very evident signs , he was my first love after all. I had the capacity to love him, he did not. Unrequited love. Now, in my mid 50's, he's probably my least liked past connections, simply because he had no integrity, I wonder how I could have ever loved him. Well, that's first love for you (or first marriage anyway - sometimes). The next time, things will be better because You will have become wiser.
All the best, friend. I hope you know you are loved. and that there is a great girl for you, you just may not have met her yet, You can't do that if you're otherwise attached. That's for certain. So break weak ties and concentrate your powers on finding a girl who truly cares.

[Nighthawk61]

Your girlfriend has a character flaw, and that is being completely honest about her feelings. People are flawed. Some more than others. It could be that she needs a more hands on approach, and a promised marriage with someone she doesn't know that well, (as in seeing them regularly) is not for her. Could there be a chance that this relationship was put together by your family? and not something that you both found you wanted by getting to know the person one on one?

I really for you. This kind of thing happens to most of us, long distance or not, we mostly all feel the effects of unrequited love, to some degree.

Make your life about living every day to the maximum. Love live and laugh every day, and if ever a person seems to fall away, let them go. It is usually going to be the final outcome anyway. But do talk about this and try to get her to talk, if you feel you should. Just be reasonable and don't be in denial about the reality. Don't look past her excuses, but find the answers as to why she's making them. I think you'll find her interest is simply waning and she doesn't have the integrity to be honest.

Let us know how you are feeling, and what's happening, okay? We care here about you more than you know.

Liz

[christeenlmbn]

You aren't attached*
Someone who doesn't deserve your love*

[christeenlmbn]

Well I guess you should be avoiding her and ignore her the same way as she's avoiding you. As long as you don't chase her while she's acting like that, she's probably going to play with your feelings, and will probably take advantage of your weak points. Show her that you are not really attached to her anymore. Go out, have fun. Show her how life is full of interesting things rather than keeping on being sad over someone who deserves your love. It will probably make her realize that you're doing good without her, because if you didn't, she will probably think you still care for her, which will make her play with your feelings and hurt you either more. Don't trust anyone, even the once you love. Trust yourself only, because you never know when people are going to change. This is life, people cross by our life, then they leave. But they do give us lots of lessons. And we should learn from that.

[Londres70]

This is pretty one-sided, so if you don't mind that then continue to do what you are doing.  

"Is their hope"..............Are you hoping this continues and should it?

[Londres70]

Sounds like she is trying to fade on you..............she wants out and for whatever reason she isn't being direct about it.

Don't contact her and she what happens.  

To be honest, sounds like a relationship with ANYONE is the last thing she needs or should be focusing on at this time.  She needs to work on herself at this time.  

I don't know what her "shrik" is telling her, but IF he/she is telling her a relationship isn't a good idea at this time then I would have to agree.

[mikesmith1]

Yes I spoke to her briefly yet still she never texts first..it is so aggravating my rationale brain says their is someone else and this is just an avoidance tatic.considering how before it was me who she came to.I think her shrik is telling her to stay away from me that I am the problem....would not surprise me.

[christeenlmbn]

I had the same experience, my bf had to move because of his dad's work. He did ignored me and treated me as a normal person, or sometimes he wouldn't answer my texts for weeks. We've stopped talking for almost 4 months, and I felt really left out. When he came back he wanted to meet me and I did said okay. I asked why he was acting like that and he kept making excuses 'I'm busy, I was sick bla bla bla* although he was posting photos of him partying and stuff so we simply broke up. What I'm trying to tell you , from my experience, It does happen that the person might get busy but I think they could at least say 'Hello', it just takes 1 second to send it and won't really distract from work. I guess that from shat you've said, she's feeling bored and she has lost interest in you. I think you should try and talk to her about it. Because she's already sending hints that she no longer interested. Basically, distance relationship usually shows if your partner really loves you or not, its just like a mini quiz to see of they do want you no matter what. And its obvious that she's not busy since she's hanging out with her friends. you should totally text her and talk to Ber about it, if she still ignore , just text her with 'Are you trying to break up? Is that what you really want?' And if she still IGNORES it , I think you can just tell her to her face that you want to break up. Because you showed her how much you loved her and cared for her but she still doesn't appreciate how loving and loyal you are. I bet you could find a girl that truly deserves a guy like you, and deserves your kindness and love. Good luck.