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Is this normal?
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Is this normal?

I'm not sure what to think.

My boyfriend of over a year and I just got back together after a six month break. He broke up with me, we had trust issues over him lying to me about hanging out with his buddies drinking and smoking pot. We've been back together for a month and everything has been going fabulous but i just wonder if i'm been too much of a pushover. After him lying to me i became very controlling and i admit that fully. So, this time i'm trying to be more understanding and let him have his guy time. He goes to his friend's house every Monday, Friday and/or Saturday, and he gets drunk those nights. I know that he only hangs out with guys, i've been to one of the friend's house and it's just a bunch of nerdy guys drinking. He just got accepted into the airforce and i truly believe him when he says he's quit smoking pot, but i just wonder whether or not him drinking three nights out of the week is normal? I'm really trying to make this work and we spend a good amount of time together, he's very respectful and all of that. He wants me to go with him when he leaves for the airforce (which is 5 months away). I haven't dated alot, actually, this is the second and definately longest relationship i've ever been in, so i don't have much to compare to. I just know i love him, but sometimes love isn't enough, and i can accept that if it comes to it. Advice? Especially from you guys out there, also, what you be a good way to show him i'm different without him having complete control of the relationship.

Thanks
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12 Comments Post a Comment
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686059_tn?1293837427
Lets break this down so you can see what you wrote from some elses perspective:

* Reconciliation after 6 month brake up and he broke up with you.
* Trust issues in the past AND are continuning (Red flag)
* HE broke up with you, because HE LIED? (Red flag)
* He spends way too much time with his friends drinking & smoking pot. (Red flag)
* You have every right to be concern, because he is back to his old ways, which
  means, the relationship is dysfunctional and he hasn't changed (Red flag)
* Spends way too much time with friends drinking (Monday, Friday and Saturday) and
  you have givin your ok to show your not controlling. (Red flag)....too many ok days
  here with friends....what about some of these day (Friday, Saturday's ) with you?
  (Red flag...too much time w/friends drinking)....back to square one with behavior!
* Airforce will actually be good for him with the regourous discipline. (Good)!
* Drinking 3 x's a week is not normal and develops unhealthy and potential addictions,
  dysfunctions with relationship and potentially self destructive behavior (RED FLAG).
* Your awareness: "Sometimes love isn't enought". Loving him and giving him
   clearance for negative, unwanted behavior is unexceptable.

You are in a position of feeling that you need to show him that you are different. What is he doing for you to show you that he has changed and fighting to keep you and the relationship stable? Nothing.

Let's just hope that the airforce will do him good, because if not, I would have recommended that you need to re-evaluate this relationship for your sanity sake. Judy
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Avatar_n_tn
Well a few things have changed this time around. He's inviting me to hang out with his friends, which never really happened the first time. He's very adamant about keeping in touch. To clarify, he didn't break up with me bc he lied, we broke up b/c i got super controlling after he lied (he did work on his lying and got better) but i kept bringing up are issues daily. I'm a slightly nervous person by nature and i tend to have alot of anxiety so this simple fact perplexed the situation. I'm mean, i was full blown psycho lol, but it was partly his fault for driving me to be that way. But so far we haven't had any issues. Also, when we broke up i moved 4 hours away to go to a university. So, currently, we have a semi long distance relationship. I come home twice a month (family and holidays) and he comes up to visit me once a month. He actually just came up to stay two weeks with me and we had a fabulous time. He leaves for basic training in April, comes home for a month then goes to tech school and after that he is stationed permanently and thats when he wants me to go with him. And we do spend friday and saturdays together sometimes. IDK I'm just afraid of getting hurt again, but I love him more than anything.
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902589_tn?1268152453
It sounds to me like he IS trying to prove he's changed and to be more trustworthy with you.

What you need to ask yourself, is if you can take the life of a military gf/wife whatever. Meaning can your relationship hold up to months of being away from each other, communication through the phone/email/letter only, unexpectedly having your bf called away at any and all times?

The military puts an added strain on even the best of relationships, and makes it twice as hard to stay connected to each other, and requires more work(IMO).

Since you two are already in a sort of long distance relationship, you have some clue about how the relationship would be when he is in the military. To me basic training was the worst to get through(my husband was in the army and I was with him before he went in also). That's mostly because in basic they will only get about 3 phone calls throughout the entire time they are there. And you can write letters to him(no email, messages) and will maybe get one letter back every week or week and a half, if he has enough time to write as the drill instructors usually keep them busy from dawn until it's time for lights out(sleep).

If your relationship is strained now, unless you sort it out and get it to the best place possible, the military will really really put a strain on it. And also you MUST MUST MUST have trust in order for your relationship to survive, especially with a military relationship, because there will be months, when you are not together and you have to be able to trust each other not to stray, and trust that you are both still committed to your relationship.

You need to sit down and seriously think about if you can handle him being in the military and handle everything that will come with that.

Sorry that was like a book, but if you are considering being in a relationship with a military man, there are things you should know, and things you need to prepare yourself with. Hope this helps you out a little at least lol And if you do decide to stay with him when he joins and have any questions about military life or what to expect you can message me anytime :)
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks so much Megochick!!

Yes, i have thought about how difficult it will be but on a happier note, I do enjoy spending time by myself probably more so than the average person. He's signed for 6 years, full time. I've had a couple of friends whose boyfriends have gone to basic and i understand how the letter thing goes but honestly i feel like the girlfriend kinda has more of an opportunity to stray as opposed to the guy (during basic and tech school) and I would never do that, even if our relationship was going downhill. Anyways, your advice is fabulous and I might message you once he's in basic and ask you some good questions. :)
Thanks again!
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902589_tn?1268152453
That's true, during his training, he'll hardly have time to eat let alone stray lol the second half of training is basically college, actually more along the lines of a boarding school lol.

But it does seem like he is really trying to change and the military will definitely grow him up quick, although i doubt it'll help with drinking as most of the military people i've known drank almost every weekend, serious drinking too, not just one or two drinks, but enough to pass out.
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Avatar_n_tn
Ha, you think just like me. I have also considered the impact of military drinking buddies. Eh, you know, what can i do about that? Nothing. When that problem arises i suppose i'll poke at it then lol. But, with his career, if drinking makes him relax and feel good then i don't mind too much as long as he doesn't cheat. :)
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Avatar_n_tn
Oh my, I have a current (and not so current) situation. After the break up my parents and sister (23) decided that they now "hate" my boyfriend and think he's a "liar" and "trashy". Now, i don't really know how to go about this, I don't want to be put in a situation where I have to choose between the two. I brought this up to my Mom and she said she's not asking me to choose but she just doesn't want him coming over to her house. And tonight, my boyfriend called while i was playing cards with my sis and her bf (27), my sis could hear my boyfriend tell me that he was about to head to the gym at 10:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Now, to anyone but me, this would sound strange but he goes to a 24 gym that I pass often, and he is a workout FREAK, and he just left his families xmas party with loads of yummy food. Plus, there is no reason for him to lie to me about this, it he wanted to hang out with his buddies, he would tell me, i've stated that I don't care. So, right before i could say, "have fun!", my sis yells, "Your a lying *******!". I told her that was rude, left the room, and apologized to him on her behalf. Ugh, i feel so bad about that, to add insult to injury, it made me freak out an wonder if he was lying, while i was in the process of spazzing, my bf called and said, "yeah I checked for sure, the gym is open, so rub that in your sis's face" (jk). I just don't know, if we get married, do you think my parents will accept him, i don't really care if my sister does. I live on my own, so the visiting thing isn't an issue as of now, but if we get married and have kids how does that work? I can see my mom eventually accepting him if he stays true to his word and my dad will follow suit, so i don't know. What do you guys think? Megochick?
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Avatar_f_tn
I have a situation that is somewhat similar. I married the guy I dated after 3 years of constant struggle (which is sounds so similar to your relationship.) My parents, brother and sister hated him but I figured once married things would get better. THEY DIDN"T.  for one thing...the "happiest time of my life (wedding planning)" was miserable, my mother and father wouldn't help me bc they were so upset which left me with a guilty conscious on my wedding day, which my father did not attend. I had many horrible situations as you did with my brother and sister being vocal about their dislike. After looking back the only thing I can tell you is that parents love you and don't want to hurt your feelings. Siblings love you but are more of a tough love. I don't think it was right for your sister to say that however if she watched this guy do it to you once I can understand why her guard is up. The best advice I can give you is the normal advice..."People DON'T change" do you want a life where you are making room for "guy drinking and pot time" once married? While you say you are happy now, do you want a life without your family involved? From personal experience, I hate the time I have lost with my family bc I did the wrong thing, they only wanted the best for me. From the writings, you SOUND like a smart girl...he doesn't. You also said you haven't been in that many relationships. That worries me even more because it sounds like you are settling for the first guy. My mom used to tell me, There IS someone out there that you fall in love with and your relationship is perfect, no worries...that is the person you are suppose to be with. I don't think any relationship with issues this big is meant to be. Of course this is all just my opinion but while I do love my husband I wish I had someone to write me telling me these things before I settled.
P.S. Studies say if a person drinks heavily 2-3 times a week, it's possibility for a future problem, that is no longer "social drinking". Does he have any alcoholics in his family?
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676032_tn?1315677663
I agree with pinkie9166! My parents, sisters and friends hated the guy I was with. They used tell me i can do way better, hes no good for me. Never liked him but just put up with having him around! Of course i used get very defensive and argue with them! Anyway turns out they were right, he was no good. And i only see that now we're finished!!! He cheatede which i knew about at the time, lied and just treated me terrible but when you "love" someone you dont see all that!

Just take the step to move on! you'll be a lot happier for it, trust me!!!!
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks for the advice. I've been observing him this week, He drank Wednesday and he's drinking right now as we speak. He's made sure to call me and text me while he's over there, which makes me feel better. Oh last night, i was going back home from his place and I ran out of gas!!!! (I thought i had enough, haha, tell me I sound like a SMART girl now, lol), anyways, i gave him a call and he was out of the door and in his car to come pick me up before i could get off the phone, and once we got gas for my car, he followed me home just to "be on the safe side". Now, with such a effort like that, what else could i ask for. He pays for everything, open my car door EVERY SINGLE TIME. I know that these are small things but really thats what I observe b/c it shows me he's making an effort. As for the drinking, not a big fan, but don't all guys have guys drinking night? All he does when he goes over there is drink, play call of duty and play guitar, i mean, should i really end things over that when he's virtually perfect in every other aspect. I don't know, i suppose i play it out and this will truly be the test of my perceptions of people. Sometimes i think i'm right on target and other times I feel as though my perception of people is a bit too harsh or somewhat skewed. I learned a long time ago, to take advice and utilize it and trust me I'm trying to do so. When we were first dating, i posted all of our "issues" in a forum and i got many replies saying that i'm way too controlling and need to stop treating him like a child. So, this time around i've cut out all the excessive controlling, neediness and insecurity. Thanks again all of you guys, you seem to all be very knowledgeable on this particular subject. :))))))
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Avatar_n_tn
To answer you question, his sister is into meth :(. He hates his sister and never talks to her. But that simple facts concerns me. It makes me wonder about whether his parents are to blame or maybe just his overall environment. I went to private school and my parents are very controlling and pro non drinking, but they aren't religious. He went to a public school (many drug/alcohol users in this particular school), his mom is a bit loopy in my opinion and his dad appears to be unhappy and very temperamental (which he takes out on his son, not physically). Eh, i suppose it doesn't matter, all of that shaped him to what he is now, and I couldn't change that if i wanted to.:0
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm 10 weeks n 4 days me and my boyfriend are both going through a divorce and he works a lot where his x wife is and this is our 1st child together n I feel alone n unwanted is that normal he's never cheated n I've never cheated when he's away I text him to call me when he can but he don't always call me it makes me feel unwanted sumtimes mayb its just my hormones lol
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