Aa
Issues
My fiance and I are coming up on our wedding soon, and then I am leaving for basic training in July. Basically everything between us was wonderful until recently when I decided to join the Air Force. He has always been cool with it, as that is not the issue. But the closer and closer my ship-off date gets, the madder and madder he makes me. He's just been getting on my nerves really bad. I'm getting scared. He says things to intentionally make me mad even when I ask him to stop. When I clean the house (we live together) five minutes later it's filthy again when he gets home from work. The first thing he does when he walks in the house is take off all of his clothes and leave them on the floor or slung on a chair in the dining room. We have a 150 gallon fish tank that he cleans (about the only thing he cleans)and he will run the hose to the kitchen sink (which I'm okay with IF he moves the dish drain, which he doesn't) and leave all of the fish equipment in the sink for me to clean up with fish water splashed everywhere. He also doesn't watch the dog while I'm gone and lets him chew up stuff and destroy things and doesn't even realize it until I say something. This dog has chewed up probably every pair of flip-flops I have. I've actually gone on strike and not cleaned the house for awhile and he gets mad at me. He says it's my duty as a wife to make sure the house is together. Well, I agree to an extent. I have a job as well and I think that if I'm paying for part of the bills then I at least deserve a little help around the house. Thank God we don't have kids. And he's REALLY overweight and I try to get him to eat healthy but he'll just go and buy junk food after he gets off of work and it scares me because I don't want to wake up and find him dead. I know these are just little things but they add up and it gets really annoying. It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to feel (and I hate to admit this) like I'm not sure if I want to get married until things change. It wasn't always like this and I don't know why it changed. I feel like I'm starting to resent him a little. He was the whole reason I wanted to settle down and I've matured a lot because of him. But it seems like he's going in the wrong direction. We've lived together for a year and a half and now it's starting to get irritating. I'm worried for when I leave for basic and I'll be away from him for 6 weeks and then another 3 months. My question is am I overreacting? I really don't know what to do because I just hear myself nagging and I know that when guys hear nagging it just goes in one ear and out the other. We used to talk about everything and I've done a lot of changing for him and it seems one-sided now. Someone please give me some advice as to what to do. I don't want to leave for basic with resentment towards him in my heart. Please help me. Thank you.
Trail is right on. People don't change and it will get worse - well people do change but it takes a lot for them to do so. This man will be like this and if you don't like it now, you never will. I thought my daughter father would change - get a job and not be lazy - well I left him when she was 5months old and now she is 11 going on 12 and he still has no job and works when he has to and is still lazy and lives off of a woman. So there you go. Set high standards for yourself you deserve it - don't settle because it will bite you in the end.
Sounds just like my Ex. Stuck in a cycle of disrespect towards himself and others and objects. Even without kids that is hard to live around unless you have a huge house and your own space. People never change. When we finally separated, we joked that all he needs is a maid to clean his place and the occasional lover. It really boiled down to that. Lay out your ideas for an acceptable living condition before you leave and see if he has learned to appreciate some of your ways by the time you come back. And mostly, enjoy your own endeavors. You will probably never clean up after him again after joining the Air Force.
it gets worse after marriage if he is this lazy now. id put off the wedding for now. heck id even move out. do you really want to spend your life (military life will make you dislike his lazy ways even more) with an overweight bossy demanding jerk? sorry but that is how you have described him. im going to guess you are in your early 20's. you have a long long road ahead of you. your job to clean the house??? wow. marriage isnt about the woman doing all the work, its a team effort. and if kids should ever become part of your family, that is even more for you to do alone while he sits with his bag of chips with the remote in his hand telling you to keep the kids quiet. go to boot camp, he has no clue what you have in store for you, and do what YOU need to do for yourself. you sound like a very smart and together woman. and if he refuses to put his clothes in the laundry, throw them away! consider your true feelings for this person and what your goals are in life before you take one more step into the future with him. love alone doesnt make it work!!
I stopped reading after the "fish tank" incident.
Best to throw this one overboard.
Best to throw this one overboard.
First of all he is dictating what the role of a wife should be and you aren't even his wife yet!!!
Honey I have alarms ringing in my head and so many red flags I can't see 2 inches in front of me.
If you are going to be a full time housewife, well, sure it is your job to manage the house. (even then the hubby should pick up after himself) However, since you both will be working full time, you are both responsible for the house. You need to work out how the household will run before you get married.
I would re-evaluate this relationship, do you want to be this slob's mother and maid?
My dh and I both work full time. I do most of the everyday cooking but the cleaning we divide up. Granted he has to be asked as he doesn't notice when stuff is dirty,,,,,but he does his share. It's a matter of respect and equality.
Honey I have alarms ringing in my head and so many red flags I can't see 2 inches in front of me.
If you are going to be a full time housewife, well, sure it is your job to manage the house. (even then the hubby should pick up after himself) However, since you both will be working full time, you are both responsible for the house. You need to work out how the household will run before you get married.
I would re-evaluate this relationship, do you want to be this slob's mother and maid?
My dh and I both work full time. I do most of the everyday cooking but the cleaning we divide up. Granted he has to be asked as he doesn't notice when stuff is dirty,,,,,but he does his share. It's a matter of respect and equality.
I agree with AJH84. Why don't you postpone the wedding until after your basic training. I think that would be the best thing. I don't think getting married would be a good idea right now. I wish you luck. Hope everything turns out okay.
"You are too quick to judge people."
Get back to us after she marries the guy and realizes he won't change.
Get back to us after she marries the guy and realizes he won't change.
In my opinion he will not change and your resentments will grow. I also predict that when you come back after basic training and the two of you are together again after being free from the resentments you have now, they will come back full swing only become more intolerable than they were before. I don't think you should marry him. He won't change and you will set yourself up for unhappiness and a possible divorce in the future once you decide you can't take it anymore. Add kids to the mix and it will be worse. I feel for you...I wish you the strength to do what's right for YOU.
I know *exactly* what you're going through. I don't know how much this will help you, but here's my suggestion.
You leave for Basic in about a month and a half. Sit him down and lay it all out on the table. Tell him precisely how you feel as you've explained here. Then set a time limit, say two or three weeks, for example, for him to make an effort to change. If he doesn't, end it. You gave him plenty of time (and 2-3 wks is more than enough time to make a small effort for the things you're asking for).
If you're having such strong feelings such as annoyance and resentment that it's making you second-guess your descision to marry him, then it's most likely going to get worse if you do marry him, and then a divorce will be just around the corner. And divorces are emotionally, physically, and financially draining.
I went through a similar problem recently. At that time, my boyfriend (and my son's father) seemed to me to be putting us on the back-burner. I wasn't getting much physical help from him, and he was not willing to do much when it came to caring of our 2 yr old. He also wasn't making much effort to meet my emotional needs. I even went to the extent to get him a book on how to be romantic. It just seemed that he wouldn't listen, no matter what I did or said. So I gave him a time limit and told him that something had to change, at least *some* effort had to be made on his part. Didn't happen, so I ended it, which helped him realize where I was coming from (well, when his anger towards me wore off after a couple weeks, anyway). Now we get along great and things are looking better for our future, however it may go.
Just stay strong and follow through with what you tell him you want from him. Up till now, you've been at his beck-and-call for everything, picking up after him and taking care of him (at least, it sounds that way from your post). He's an adult; start treating him like one and making him act like one. Also, he has no reason to respect you if you give in to his every need like that. Let him know that you deserve respect in a relationship with him, and you're going to start demanding respect from him. Clearly, you care enough about him to meet whatever need he has, but he must to return the favor of caring for your needs. Demand that. Set a time limit. Follow through. He'll either change or he won't.
I hope the best works out for you, however the situation ends up going. Sounds like you've got your life going in a good direction. Keep it that way, and don't let anything hold you back from gaining the happiness of pursuing and achieving your goals.
You leave for Basic in about a month and a half. Sit him down and lay it all out on the table. Tell him precisely how you feel as you've explained here. Then set a time limit, say two or three weeks, for example, for him to make an effort to change. If he doesn't, end it. You gave him plenty of time (and 2-3 wks is more than enough time to make a small effort for the things you're asking for).
If you're having such strong feelings such as annoyance and resentment that it's making you second-guess your descision to marry him, then it's most likely going to get worse if you do marry him, and then a divorce will be just around the corner. And divorces are emotionally, physically, and financially draining.
I went through a similar problem recently. At that time, my boyfriend (and my son's father) seemed to me to be putting us on the back-burner. I wasn't getting much physical help from him, and he was not willing to do much when it came to caring of our 2 yr old. He also wasn't making much effort to meet my emotional needs. I even went to the extent to get him a book on how to be romantic. It just seemed that he wouldn't listen, no matter what I did or said. So I gave him a time limit and told him that something had to change, at least *some* effort had to be made on his part. Didn't happen, so I ended it, which helped him realize where I was coming from (well, when his anger towards me wore off after a couple weeks, anyway). Now we get along great and things are looking better for our future, however it may go.
Just stay strong and follow through with what you tell him you want from him. Up till now, you've been at his beck-and-call for everything, picking up after him and taking care of him (at least, it sounds that way from your post). He's an adult; start treating him like one and making him act like one. Also, he has no reason to respect you if you give in to his every need like that. Let him know that you deserve respect in a relationship with him, and you're going to start demanding respect from him. Clearly, you care enough about him to meet whatever need he has, but he must to return the favor of caring for your needs. Demand that. Set a time limit. Follow through. He'll either change or he won't.
I hope the best works out for you, however the situation ends up going. Sounds like you've got your life going in a good direction. Keep it that way, and don't let anything hold you back from gaining the happiness of pursuing and achieving your goals.
Oh, and he will call me from all the way downstairs and make me stop whatever it is I'm doing (no matter how important it is) and I will drop it and go to him and 99.999% of the time it's something stupid! And he never comes to me when I call him. And when he asks me to do something I do it right away, but when I ask him to do something he takes his sweet time with it. And he's a TV hog! And he spends money like water. I just can't take it anymore.
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