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Jealousy Destroying Relationship

I have been in a relationship for 2 years and 9 months.  My bf just recently became a cop.  He has never given me any reasons not to trust him but in the past 2 months I have really been getting crazy about things with him.  I check his emails constantly and I find nothing.  I have recently started checking his phone and there is nothing in his phone but 2 nights i checked his phone and it was on Silent.  Which made me wonder a bit about that I confronted him and he said that he must have hit the button on accident.  His phone is on ring all the other times.  I know I am overracting because he is a cop and cops have such a bad reputation for being cheaters.  However all my friends and family say I am getting crazy for no reason.  I really love this guy and I know he is fed up with all the **** I put him through.  I constantly fight with him.  I need to get over this jealousy and I don't know what to do to help myself.  I am going to be going to therapy but I need to stop this sick feeling I have inside of me.  It's ruining everything in my life but most of all I just would like to be happy with him.  
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Avatar universal
Butterfly,
I don't know your BF, and i dont really know you. I will say that I am a female, and I know how WE tend to get. You dont get suspicious for NOTHING. Your boyfriend gave you a reason to doubt him, and not trust him. Maybe you dont want to share what it is he did, but it's very obvious. From reading the part where you said he wants to help you with this. The reason he wants to help you is becasue it is his fault you feel this way. Im not saying your with a bad guy, because he is probaly a great guy, but I am saying he made a mistake, and you chose to forgive him for it, but you cant get over it. If he cheated on you, or almost cheated on you, then he violated something in you. He made you feel like you aren't enough for him, and you are scared that he will do it again, or that the person he did it with is still around. And you dont want to feel like your stupid, so you want to be able to control it THIS TIME. You are waiting for hints that he is doing something. Honey, if you feel like this, you need to spend some time alone, or talk to more people about this. My BF whom I have a child by, has violated me in such a way, that I dont trust him anymore, and from time to time, it causes me to question why I am still there. But you know what, if you want to be with this guy, you have to forgive him, with forgiveness you are letting it go. As long as you say you will, and your body dont, this is the results you will get. It will eventually end with this guy. I hope indeed you get past this, or move on. It causes depression, it causes you to JUST SNAP on him, just becasue your thinking about what he could be doing, or is infact doing. You gotta move on....or move out! good Luck!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I would add, though, that if you think it might be you going crazy, then you have issues with being abandoned or insecurity, which will ruin this relationship or any relationships in the future. When it comes to the point you are checking for these things, either a) he is a cheater and it's time to cut him loose or b) you are creating the situation because you fear being walked out on first and you would rather be in control of this situation than him.
I once drove by a bf house at all hours because I suspected he had someone else. It drove me nuts. Turns out he did have someone else, he broke him with me as soon as he "secured" his catch and I was left thinking "I should have broken up with him long ago rather than leaving this go on and on so long." However, I am with a fantastic guy now and while sometimes it does creep in and out, I try to remember all the reasons why I think he is faithful, most notably his love for me. Either you believe it or you don't, but if you don't, you HAVE to move on..it's better to be alone than driving yourself nuts.
I hope that helps, all the best.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Signs he is cheating:
1. He is not where he says he will be or is often late.
2. He smells different.
3. He is distant and distracted which also often leads to a short temper, picking fights or being moody.
4. He dresses differently- usually much better and takes care with his appearance.He fusses with things he could care less about before, including the appearance of his vehicle.
5. He is careful to avoid situations where he and you will be seen in public and instead will suggest staying home.
6. His cell phone rings continuously, at all hours of the night and he tends to take the calls in private or in the bathroom with water running.
7. Paper trail- phone numbers in his pocket, notes, receipts, etc. Guys really do keep love letters and photos.
8. You call him and he seems put off by the fact you called.
9. You can't just "drop by" and see him- he usually makes it a priority to set the time and place.
10. He gets too crazy with gifts to you- goes overboard to hide his behavior.
11. He seems to show no interest in your future together- it will be hazy and fuzzy and he will tend to change the subject.
12. His taste in music suddenly changes.
13. He does not keep a picture of you in his wallet or on his dresser or anywhere and his co-workers and/or close friends don't know your name.
14. You have the gut feeling that it is going on and it is not just you hope not, it is that you KNOW it if you truly ask yourself.
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Avatar universal
Well ever since he got back from this convention I have been very suspicious of him.  I really need to go get some help I am going on the 23rd and I hope it helps cause I can't stand the way I feel and he keeps asking what he can do to help me.  I just feel for some reason he is hiding something from me.  I guess I will just wait and see what happens.  Do any of you know of any signs I should look out for if he is cheating?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I think you would benefit from getting some counselling and try to deal with your feelings of mistrust and jealousy. Your husband will see that you are trying face your problem head on and trying to take charge of the problem and get help for it, this way he will know that you realize your feelings are misplaced and unreasonable.
There could be some reason that has nothing to do with him driving your feelings, like some experience in your past or with your childhood or something. I'd get some help with it before it causes you bigger problems.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It is nice to hear that you have had similar feelings like I have.  We are not married yet which makes me worry about the lifestyle I know it is going to be hard.  I just would like some peace in my life.  I am going to take your advice and try and act differently.  My bf went to the PBA convention yesterday he only stayed overnight because he knows how upset I was by it.  All the other guys were stayng 2 or 3 days.  However my mind has been wondering all night what he was doing and it stinks I have such a horrible feeling in my stomach.  He is coming back today and we are suppose to have a talk about our problems and how to resolve them.  I just wish he would show me more love and make me feel more secure in the relationship.  He always says he is going too but I always end up getting mad at him and the vicious cycle starts all over again and nothing gets resolved.  I need to start getting myself together because like you said jealousy can destroy a relationship.  I just hope it's not too late for us.  Thanks for all your comments and advice  :)
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Avatar universal
I also go through a similar situation.  My DH is a Firefighter. I at one time was a dispatcher and 1st hand saw the "lifestyle" of police and firemen.  Most live up to the bad reputation we all hear about.  I always said I would never date much less marry one and here I am.  He is great to me and in so many ways shows me he loves me.  I also have checked his phone or gone through his gym bag only to find NOTHING.  So I have decided not to stress.  Look at it this way.  Someday there might be a natural disaster that hits your home.  Everyday you can obsess and stress about it and it may never happen.  Same thing with this.  Our husbands one day may or may not cheat.  If we constantly worry about it we are only hurting our marriage and ourselves.  From my jealous personality I have invested a lot into changing.  I have found that we as people can change a behavior.  It isn't easy but very possible.  Every time you feel jealous.  React different that usual.  Be calm don't accuse.  After a while it will become a new behavior for you.  I have changed a lot.  I still find my imagination running wild when my DH is gone for a 48hr shift and all the  volenteers are hanging out at the station half of which are young girls.  But then I remind myself "he chose me" & he shows me everyday where my place is with him.  I am a fool to believe my imagination.  Sorry this was so long I hope it helps you.
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Avatar universal
You just need to be secure with yourself and know that you have someone that loves you and will never hurt you. You don't want to push him into the arms of another women it alot of women waiting for a good man to come their way!!
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Avatar universal
I am going to try and focus on trusting him.  It's just so hard at times especially when he works a 12 hour shift.  When my mind starts wandering and then I start thinking about all kinds of things.  I know it is going to be hard.  I have to stop focusing on his phone and start focusing on making myself better.  I haven't been eating and I have been getting really bad headaches, sleepless nights.  I need to build up my self confidence I know his is way up there because he is a cop which really drives me nuts.  I wish I had that confidence that he has.  Any ideas for building up my confidence?
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Avatar universal

His phone is probably on silent because like many people, he turns his cell phone ringer off when he's in a public place (or at work). Anyhow, I wouldn't worry about it. Instead, I would worry about your feelings and work on trying to control your jealousy and concentrate on trusting your boyfriend. One thing you can do is realize that whatever happens in this relationship, or other relationships, that you can handle it. I think you need to trust yourself as well and work on focusing your energies elsewhere.

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Avatar universal
Your absolutely right there is no reason at all why I shouldn't trust him.  I talked to him and told him I was going to get help and that I don't want to be like this at all.  He is very upset by my actions and he said to me what can he do to help.  I told him being there for me and listening.  I really want to tell him to make sure your phone is not on silent but not sure if that is crazy to say that to him what do you think.  Thank you for your input.
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Avatar universal

Jealousy is about control because if your SO/DH is going to cheat, there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

I think you need to have a candid talk with your S.O. and when you feel jealous, talk to him every time. You know that your actions now are going to destroy this relationship. You are going to have to trust your boyfriend and it sounds like there is no reason at all why you shouldn't.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal

Jealousy is about control because if your SO/DH is going to cheat, there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

I think you need to have a candid talk with your S.O. and when you feel jealous, talk to him every time. You know that your actions now are going to destroy this relationship. You are going to have to trust your boyfriend and it sounds like there is no reason at all why you shouldn't.

Helpful - 0
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