Jealousy

[Tank1353]

An old love initiated contact and we have been been exchanging emails for 6 months, average every three weeks.  We had an affair when he was married, he divorced, and married someone else even though we still saw each other infrequently.  I finally realized I was letting him use me and ended everything.  I find that I am angry/jealous because he chose her and many years have gone by.  I also found out that they are both swingers and I'm also disgusted.  I need to get over this but I still hurt and I know I need to let it go but I detect wistfulness in his email and he has kept correspondence from me for over 20 years.  It sounds as though he isn't terribly happy and I know this needs to end but I want to play it out to see what he wants.  We have not seen each other nor have we spoken but at some point this is likely to occur.  I'm an idiot but I still need objective thought.  Thanks.

[sweetpea03]

You need to cut all contact with this man. He is using you and you know that, so do not talk to him at all. No texts, no email, no phone conversations, etc. He is a sleazebag, so stay away from him.

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, maybe the fun-and-lustful scenario is going on, but it sounds to me also like he is really a good emotional con artist, excellent at manipulation, and in a lot of ways it's not someone's fault if they are susceptible to emotional manipulation by an expert.  She might look at why she is open to such an obvious sleazebag, is all.  What makes a person so willing to jump for an obvious cheater?  That one, the willingness to take what someone dishes out that is bad, is usually something to talk over with a counselor.  

[thehitman357]

Why she still has feeling for him. Why? Because she had a good time sleeping with a married man. It was fun and lustful and that is why she has been carrying on via email for 6 months. Temptation is a beach.

[AnnieBrooke]

hitman, she's wondering why she still has feelings for this guy, not wondering if she does.  Given that he is so sleazy, it's a good question.  Probably ego-bruising and leftover anger have locked her in, since he did her wrong rather than the other way around.  The trick for her is not to let the anger tie oneself into a retribution pattern or some kind of dependent pattern, neither of which would have a real point.  

[thehitman357]

She still has feelings for this guy. That is why she is talking to him.

[teko]

Okay, your an idiot.


You already stated why seeing this guy is not a good idea so what more do you want to hear? That he is going to leave his wife and marry you and be faithful for the rest of his days. Dont sound like he has been faithful to anyone yet, so why start with you? And why is it disgusting for them to swing, but not disgusting to have an affair with a married man?

[lovemykids465]

I know it is hard but you need to break off all contact. Maybe change your email address. The longer you go with out contact the easier it will get. You may really want to do some soul searching and see why you are so drawn to this individual even though you know he will hurt you.

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, a lot of times what sticks us in a bad pattern romantically is the anger, not the love.  Maybe you could deal with the anger separately by raging at fate and shaking your fist at the sky, and things like that.  He did you wrong, you need to get over your justifiable reaction to that.  But not by resorting to degrading stuff like  "play[ing] this along and see what happens."   First you said his wistfulness was attractive, then you said you want to play him, and then you said he's a jerk, and then you said he was the love of your life.  If you at least deal with the anger by itself, what is left will probably be a lot less stuck.

[Tank1353]

I agree and I find it disgusting and I would never see him.  There is a lot of old hurt from the former relationship and I just want to play him along to see what happens.  Sick, I know and I also know that I should not waste another moment in thought about him.  I need to get past this and I can't seem to do so.  I'm not on Facebook but he is (no picture) and I've seen pics of his swinger wife and she does look like she's been swinging way to long and looks cheap and I find I'm still hurt and angry that he chose something like this over me.  How do I refocus and get this jerk out of my mind and heart because he was the love of my life.

[AnnieBrooke]

I'd have ended the speculation once I heard the word "swinger."  Ick.  I mean, ick, ick, ick.  Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone like that?  "Wistful" is so great that you'll share someone who has no interest in fidelity, just because he played the wistful card?