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Just Not Feeling him
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Just Not Feeling him

I have lived with my BF for 11 years and we have 2 kids together.  But I have realized after truly being honest with myself and acknowledging my feelings that I am no longer in love with him.  I love him but I am not in love with him I mean there is no desire or attraction there for me.  I feel like we have disconnected.  and though I feel bad about it I dont think I should continue to suppress my feelings and stay with him for the kids or just to avoid hurting his feelings.  I feel like I just need time to myself at times I feel confused and unsure if this is the right decision.  But I also feel like I have wasted so much time especially since we are not married, but then again maybe its good that we never got married since I am feeling this way.  Every time we discuss it, he tells me that I am pushing him out of his kids life and that is the last thing I want to do, but its like if we are not together then he cant be in his kids life and that  is so far from the truth.  I really dont know what to do, because I am really miserable with my relationship.  I dont know why I feel this way I just do and he is making me feel really guilty about it.  He cant understand that this is hard for me as well because this is not what I intended it just kinda played out this way.  I think the relationship has run its course and I would love for us to be friends (but I dont think its possibe on his behalf) since we do have kids together and he is a nice guy there is just no longer any attraction there romantically. Am I wrong for feeling this way?  Am I wrong for allowing the relationship to go on for 11 years and 2 kids before I stepped back and analyzed my feelings?  He makes it seems like I have been lying to him the entire 11 years and I am pretty sure I was in love with him at one time or maybe I was in love with the idea of being in love.  Its possible never the less I feel like I want out or at least a break for me to take the time with myself and sort things out.
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145992_tn?1341348674
I think we all answered your question before.  First of all, I think this relationship fizzled a long time ago.  Secondly, he's trying to black mail you into staying with him.  I do believe feelings can return again if you are willing to find the love again.  It takes work and if both of you are willing to do that then you should try.  Eleven years is a long time to spend with each other.  Your boyfriend is hurting right now and that's why he's making you feel bad, he's also hoping to guilt you into staying with him.  Have you looked into counseling?
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Avatar_m_tn
If you were in love with him then start treating him like you did way back then and see if things change. Maybe he is feeling you don't care so why should he. Guys are easy to please and women do have all the power. I think even good marriages go through times like this and it is the bond of marriage that keeps them together and helps weather the storm.
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Avatar_m_tn
Its not that I think he does not care, I know that he would prefer for us to be together and that he loves me. But do you love someone just because they love you?  I am not feeling him.  And we are not married just living in sin for the past 11 years.  I dont treat him bad, I just am not attracted to him any more.  I mean he has not worked for the past 3 years and I have not put him out and even though I am telling him that i am not in love with him I still will not ask him to leave without him having some where else to go.  I dont hate him.  But I honestly think that I started the relationship for the wrong reasons (which I will not go into now)  I did not realize it back then, but I do now.  
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Avatar_m_tn
you sound like you are being a bit selfish to me, because of what you want you are destroying the lives of three other people. Life is not always about what you want but what is the right thing to do. You made two kids that should have two parents that try to get along. Look at the example you are setting for them.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but after 29 years of marriage and raising two boys I know life is not always rosy and if it had been about me I would have walked out several times.
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145992_tn?1341348674
What are you looking for meekie?  You are looking for a relationship where there is spark but that doesn't last 11 years.  You have to constantly work at it.  The next relationship you get into will be the same.  You will have that passion in the beginning and then it will fade.  But it looks like you have already made up your mind.  I don't know what you are looking for people to say.  
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Avatar_m_tn
you are married!  you have taken vows that is completely different than shacking up!  Getting along does not necessarily mean living together.  The right thing to do also would have been for us to be married prior to getting kids and we have not done that either. and the kids are now 6 and 7.  Whether we are together or not they still have 2 parents that does not change the fact.  What kind of example am I setting living out of wedlock?
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Avatar_m_tn
Having no spark is expected.  But to be numb to the situation is not. Completely turned off and not interested is not normal.  If every little thing that he does or says annoys me...that means what?  We just need a weekend get away to get the sparks going again? I dont think so, the sex was never that great so I can understand that but there was a time that I overlooked that because I thought I was in love with him and it was worth it but I dont feel that way anymore.  Its not about the sex its about me not feeling the same way about him I did before.  I dont maybe its because he promised to marry me once he finds out if I can have kids or not so I did that still no ring.  Who knows but this feeling did not just come over me yesterday.  I know all relationships have highs and lows and they often pass.  How long will it take this to pass?  Why is it now that he has no job no place to stay ,nothing he wants to talk about marriage but when he had a good job and a house he was not ready to get married even though I had proven to him that I could have kids?
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145992_tn?1341348674
meekie, you have kids together.  Regardless that is a commitment.  You treat it the same as you do if you were married.  Technically you are married because in the eyes of the law you have a commonlaw marriage.  What would be the difference if you two were married?  Would you all of a sudden be attracted to him?  Would you try harder?  To me children are more of a commitment than marriage.  At least if you stay together, you remain with the father of your children.  Better to be married to someone else?  I'm trying to understand your logic.
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Avatar_m_tn
maybe if we had taken those vows I will feel more obligated to make this work but under the circumstances I dont feel like I should.
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145992_tn?1341348674
So you are bitter because he didn't marry you?  Well than why have kids with him?  You have now added 2 little innocent lives into this.  
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Avatar_m_tn
common law is not recognized in the state of FL so no technically we are not. If he decides to pick up and leave today I am not entitled to anything as a wife would be. its not the same.  Being married would not change my feelings but maybe I would try a little harder.  Its like I'm being told to deny my feelings and just tuff it out.  So if I get raped and keep the baby I should try to make a relationship with the father?
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Avatar_m_tn
imy post states that he wanted to make sure that I was able to ahve kids first before getting married and proved it but we never got married so yes I guess I am some what bitter about that because I had to prove to him that I could have kids before he would so called make that committment and he never did.
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145992_tn?1341348674
Being raped is much different than a consentual (sp.?) relationship don't you think?  I mean that's an awful comparison.  You are the one who had kids first with him, he didn't force you into anything and now you want people to feel bad for you because you have a great man that you just don't feel it for because the sex isn't good.  You shouldn't try to work harder because you are married, you should try to work hard because you share children.  They will be the ones truly affected here.  But I guess they don't count at all.  I just think you are looking for something that doesn't exist.  All relationships are work.  But we live and we learn.  Just know the grass isn't greener on the other side.
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13167_tn?1327197724
meekie,  I think it's entirely possible that you are numb because he won't get out and work,  and he's lost your respect and also you realize that it's been a mistake and not respectable to just live together forever and create kids with no marriage.

Hats off to you,  really.  I think you're fed up with this and realize this isn't how to live respectably.  

I hope somehow something comes together for you.
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145992_tn?1341348674
I don't know I guess for me, working hard at a relationship because you have children is more important than letting it go because the person refused to marry me.  
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13167_tn?1327197724
How about if the person also refused to work?  I'd be at the end of my tether and not really "feeling it" after two years too.
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145992_tn?1341348674
Oh that's for sure.  I think that he's obviously comfortable in their situation and that would drive me insane also.  There is a lot going on in this relationship.  If you go back and read some of her previous posts, it's more than she's stating here.
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Avatar_m_tn
There is a huge difference between being raped and lying down and spreading your legs willingly. How about being nice and try to be loving until the youngest is 18, up and out, then go do what you want, you owe it to them unless he is abusive and addict.

You can also tell you are tired of being treated like and unpaid w hore and he is not getting any more milk until he buys the cow.

No I am not calling you a cow.
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145992_tn?1341348674
meekie, I'm curious, did you have the affair with your ex when your bf lost his job or was that before?  Perhaps he's depressed or is just reacting to what happened.  It's hard to get motivated when the woman you love cheats on you and isn't interested in having sex with you.
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Avatar_m_tn
if was after he lost his job yes.  Which I was understanding in the beginning and instead of staying here and workign together on this, he decided to refinance his house and take out all the money and go back home to Jamaica to try and start a business.  He left me for a year basically with the kids alone while he tried to start a business in Jamaica he stopped paying the mortgage and decided that the house will go into foreclosure.  He had $100,000.00 and I did not receive a dime not even for the kids.  Now the business did not work out and he is back broke and wants me to understand again that he is trying.  There is a lot of resentment here.
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Avatar_m_tn
I really dont want anyone to feel bad for me here, I am not looking for pitty. I am basically asking am I wrong for feeling this way?  Is this normal?  Is this something that will just work itself out in time? I feel like I am not getting any younger and if I am truly not happy in this relationship then I should do something about it.  Like all relationships we have our issues so its not like he is the perfect guy and Im just not feeling him
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Avatar_m_tn
No pity here, yes you are wrong in the fact you need to be thinking of your kids first and their need for a two parent home. Again, try being a loving person and also tell him you want to go to the JP in the morning and become his wife, legally.
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145992_tn?1341348674
Have you even tried communicating with him your unhappiness?  I think he was trying to make a life for you and the kids by attempting to start a business.  I don't see that as a bad thing.  I understand your resentment and bitterness but all that can get worked through.  Again, if you're not willing to work on it than leave but he will always be part of your life since you two share children.  We all have our moments of bitterness and resentment because all relationships have their issues.  It's how you work through those feelings that make a difference.  But if you don't feel like putting in the effort than again, you can leave.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Ok, so basically if I act like I love him and marry him then my feelings will change?
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Avatar_m_tn
It will take more than a few days but yes if you try really hard I think you will see a big difference.
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145992_tn?1341348674
Feelings don't stay the same throughout a relationship.  They go up and down and change all the time.  One minute you love the person and the next you can not like them too much but you get what you give.  If you don't love him then leave and let someone else give him what he deserves.  I don't know what else there is to say.  We've tried to help you by giving you options, since that's what you were asking but you seem to know that he is not the one.  What else is there to tell you?
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Avatar_m_tn
I know he will be in my life forever like i said I dont hate him I just dont feel him that way anymore.  I have made a lot of sacrifices in this relationship from day one I have been more than supportive both emotionally and financially I just feel like I have put way more into this than i have gotten out.  I supported him financially through school and when I told him I wanted to go back to school his response was that I should have did that a long time ago.  Too much give and not enough take. Now that he sees that I am fed up he wants to change his tune but I am fed up now I just dont even feel like he is worth the effort.
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1035252_tn?1371343440
I'm not excusing his behavior, and I really have missed a lot of this post...but please don't discount the role of serious depression on motivation and relationships. my husband was depressed at one point and wouldn't work, but I stuck by him and now he works 9hrs a da, 5 days a week and goes to 2 hours of college classes 4 nights a week too....
AND I've been there where I was so depressed that I literally could not force myself to get up and function....

but with everything else I agree with mami (as usual) I think that almost every relationship can be salvaged with hard work. there are obviously exceptions...
and no you're not wrong for FEELING this way, but you need to get your head straight and act the right way and not just act based on frustration or hurt feelings.
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Avatar_m_tn
so when you act like u love someone when u really dont isnt that lying?
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Avatar_m_tn
Ashelen, this has been the best advice yet.  I have a question though , how can I get my head right when its constant arguing or drama?  When and where do I take the time to get my head right?
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Avatar_m_tn
no, I don't think so because being nice and loving is always a good thing to do and you may just find out you do still love him.
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Avatar_m_tn
bottom line here is im not happy and I dont know if Im willing to sacrifice my happiness for my kids.  I think that I made a mistake and got into this relationship and had kids without really thinking it through or looking at the big picture.  I never took the time to think what I really wanted, I was just focused at the time in giving him what he wanted to keep him because I was just happy to have a man that was not abusive or cheating or me. I never took the time to think do u really like this guy what do u have in common what do you want in the future.  None of those questions ever crossed my mind and I was in a different state of mind then. I had low self esteem and in love with someone else. But I thought I would give it a try because he was different and what we had most in common to be honest was smoking pot (I hate to admit). That still is the most we have in common to this day but I guess I have made my bed hard so I now have to lay in it hard as well.  
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Avatar_m_tn
I am sitting here speechless, I would give my life for my kids even now that they are grown, because that is what a real parent would do. To say you are not willing to sacrifice your happyness for a few years makes my blood boil, you are a selfish twit. I do hope you plan on getting your tubes tied so you don't ruin any more kids lives.
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145992_tn?1341348674
Funny because Ashelen said what I said but in a different way.  No offense Ashelen because you give great advice just not sure what was different from what I said.  Anyway, meekie, you jumped into a relationship that was with a guy who was nice to you and didn't cheat on you.  Gee, I'm sorry, I thought that was every woman's dream.  But I do understand that you weren't compatible, just a shame you realized that now after 11 years and 2 kids.  Like I said before, if you don't feel it than leave.  
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Avatar_m_tn
we are all entitled to our own opinions.  Just because a guy is nice and does not cheat does not mean that you will fall in love with them.  If that was the case we would be in love with every nice guy that came along.  There is more to consider when selecting a relationship than that. Maybe I am selfish, and I love my kids with out a doubt but if I am not happy how can I make him or my kids happy.  No one wants to be around someone thats miserable all the time.  And yes my tubes are tied so more kids are not an issue thank you very much.  For u to pass judgment and say that I am not a real parent for being honest about my feelings is rediculous.  If there father died tomorrow, will my kids lives still be ruined?  There are millions of kids that grew up fine and successful in spite of the fact that both parents were not in the house. Just like you have millions of kids that are raised in the home with both parents and they are less than upstanding productive citizens.   Love is what kids need and they can get that from both parents whether they are together or not.  Why should you waste your time and stay with someone just for kids when you know thats not truly what you feel? So once the gets are grown its ok to call it quits then right? as if the kids still wont be affected but I guess they can handle it better as adults (supposedly)?  Sorry folks but this is not a perfect world and neither are the people in it. Is it good for the kids to see or hear you arguing all the time?  Is it ok to smoke around your kids?  ( he does) Is it ok to curse your kids? (he does) and I dont agree with any of those things and he thinks they are ok so is his behavior ruining their lives as well? Does that mean he does not love his kids?
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145992_tn?1341348674
So what exactly did you come here asking for?  Again you've made up your mind, so what more do you need to hear.  Do you want us to validate your feelings and to say it's ok to leave your relationship?  You need to do what's right for you.  If you feel no love than leave, if you feel like you don't have the energy to work things out, than leave.  You keep asking questions but if you know what you want than go for it.  You don't need a bunch of strangers on a forum to tell you what to do if you already know what you want.  Just do it.
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Avatar_m_tn
you are so right, but at the same time I do feel guilty about this.  I mean I dont take pride in being a single mom nor am I thrilled about being one.  But I just feel like there is not much else for me to do.  I have been withdrawn from him for about 5 years now and the only reason that I have stayed is because of the kids.
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145992_tn?1341348674
So you want to spend another 5 or 10 or 20 years in a relationship where you are miserable?  You are not doing any of you any justice.  
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Avatar_m_tn
or making him and the kids miserable. You will never find happyness when you only put you first. Maybe it would be good for him to find a woman that would love him. I am done have a nice life
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1035252_tn?1371343440
you need to take a break. step back and sort out your head. set him up in a hotel for a week, take the kids and stay with your parents...SOMEthing...but you're right you can't get your head around this when you're in the thick of it. if you take a short step back, breathe, and try to figure out what's going on in your head and let him figure out what's going on in his head...you might find that you have a whole new perspective.

your kids should be your number one priority, and this is obviously affecting them so tell him that you need him to see a counselor about depression. i think that's an important first step if you try to salvage this relationship. from there, you both need to figure out 3 things:

1. what happened to make things seem so bad IN YOUR OPINION (and he needs to do the same thing..write it down!)
2.what it is you want out of life with him (and him with you)
3. what YOU think needs to change to get there (and what HE thinks needs to change).

tell him that at this point the most important thing is to get your sh*t straight for your kids. no more moping about, the kids deserve better, and so do you. and you need to realize that if he's going to confront his depression he will need support and understanding, but only so long as he's actually DOING something to get better.

idk mami I actually said that it was you I was agreeing with in my post, lol
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