I have never written on a board before but I really need some advice. I have been married for over 12 years to one of the world's most stressful men. Financially he gives me anything I want but emotionally he gives me nothing I need. Over the years, there have been so many vehicle accidents and job changes that I feel like my life is beyond unstable. In just the last year, he has switched companies twice and wrecked three times because he was not paying attention to his driving.
We have a 7 year old son and I worry how this stress affects him. My husband is usually gone for weeks at a time with work and when he is home he does NOTHING with our son.
How do you decide when you and your son are better off leaving? I could not afford a very nice house and car on my own. Should I just put up with the stress so my son has nice things?
I think that when you get married it should be for better or worse and it sounds like maybe you are to the worse part. Maybe try counseling or maybe just explain how you feel and how your son feels. Maybe he just doesn't see it. And my opinion and this is just my opinion but the only reason I believe divorce should be even an option is if there is infidelity. And that's what the bible says. I don't know if you are religious or not but you asked for opinions and this is mine. I too have troubles as do lots of other people. But all I can tell you is stay strong and good luck.
It's kind of unusual that a man who changes jobs that often is so financially successful. If he continues to make great money and doesn't have real trouble finding another good job, why is that so stressful to you?
If you are feeling a lot of stress, are you able to conceal it from your son and continue to be an attentive mother?
If you divorce him, what are the chances that the challenges of single parenting would leave you in a less stressed-out position?
Sorry this is just a bunch of questions and no answers.
I guess I should have explained the emotional aspect of our relationship more. My husband is difficult to deal with - often I feel like I am walking on eggshells with him. He yells at me, calls me names, and is not supportive. Everything that goes wrong is always someone else's fault not his.
I read on the board about the wife with medical problems and how her husband is handling it. I also have medical problems. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis not long after my son was born. Yet my husband has never helped me around the house or with our son. Stress makes MS worse so staying with is actually putting my health in jeopardy.
When we first married he pushed me around. He actually locked me out of house on my birthday when I was 6 months pregnant. The last time he shoved me I got a PFA on him for me and our son. That has been 5 years ago and he hasn't laid a hand on me since. But he doesn't see his yelling at me and name-calling as abuse.
I just don't know what to do. What am I teaching my son staying with someone like him? But if I leave my son will go from having so much to not having hardly anything.
cinda - the one positive thing is, it seems like when you lay down the law he does listen and respond. The fact that you were able to get out a PFA and he didn't either 1. leave or 2. continue to hit you shows there is some hope that he can change.
It doesn't sound like you're well enough to work full-time, so yes, you would be dooming yourself to poverty if you leave him.
Is this worth laying down the law with him again? If he knows you're very serious about leaving, and you wrote conditions for the marriage to continue in a concrete list, I think you'd at least have tried.
If your husband wasn't abusive, then my advice would be to try counseling and/or other methods to save your marriage, especially since you have a young boy. But since there is abuse involved in this relationship, I can only tell you that it is not healthy for you or your son. You & your son both have needs and both of you deserve love and support. You can try laying down the law first, but I can tell you that in an abusive relationship, it doesn't normally last long and work. But only you know the circumstances and you will have to trust your gut feeling on that one.
I've learned not to let fear rule my life and never to make any decisions out of fear. I believe this is the worst thing you can do.
I agree with what you said Platelet, and one other thought - cinda, if you do decide to seek a divorce, consult a lawyer quickly. Men who make a lot of money tend to be fairly savvy about hiding it, and you could be cheated out of a lot of money that suddenly "vanishes" if you aren't careful.
The low-income house doesn't sound that bad, actually it sounds nice the way you described it. I think the enviroment you are in right now is very unhappy. Money and good things are great but it's nothing when compared to happiness(think about it). And plus if you do divorce him, isn't he going to pay for child support. He doesn't do anything with his son anyways, so your son would be missing that much. I know the thought of leaving your husband sounds very scary and confusing, but believe me it won't be worse than how things are now. Good Luck!
I had to respond as in some ways our stories overlap. I must agree with one of the other women. You do have more than yourself to think about with a child, which makes it more tough.
However, I have experienced that with my husband for along time when he was finishing his schooling, he was very grouchy and I was on constant eggshells, but finally I got tired of it and blew up, and when I did, he made efforts to tone it down or let me know when he didn't want to be bothered cuz he was in a bad mood or busy, and that worked for us.
The difference lies in that my husband though neglectful at times and emotionally detached, unaffectionate (portion of the time), he has never said anything abusive to me...Yes, he blurts out things that are outrageous (as I have), but not abusive. I can look like a bag lady somedays, and he won't say a word, and if he does, its politely. That is where I draw the line, abusive behavior, though my husband has treaded a fine line emotionally abusive, as in neglectful...but never says words to demean me.
In essence, I would leave if the situation was verbally abusive, and most defintely physically, as far as emotional abuse, yes as well, if I felt that I was losing my sanity and self worth, and the guy was a "bonafied" jerk!
Bless you, and I hope you find a solution as well that is best for you and your child.
RockRose, you are so right about the money. Last year we almost broke up - we even filed for divorce. But I just got too scared of what life would be like without him and we stayed together. To make up for all the stress he came home with a present for me - a new car, a Jaguar. But the car is in only his name. I actually quit driving it because I got tired of hearing how great he was for buying it for "me".
If I leave my son will be moving from a nice brick home to low-income home. The house is not totally terrible. It has 3 bedrooms so he would still have a playroom. The housing area is quite and clean and all the houses have their own little yards. After paying the rent I won't have a lot of money but will have a little. Plus the house is in my son's school area which is a great school district.
The other aspect to all this is my son has Asperger's Syndrome - a milder form of Autistic Disorder. When my husband gets me stressed out it is harder to deal with my son's quirks.
I just wished I knew what was best for my son and I wasn't so scared of the unknown.
Aside from creating a happier environment for your son, you can actually teach him a life lesson: that happiness does not come from monetary wealth. My son and I occasionally go through short dry spells, financially. We always make a game of it: what can we cook out of 2 eggs, one carrot and 7 gummi bears? Or if he desperately likes to get a new toy, I can still redirect him by building our own toys and fantasy worlds from scrap material. We are not poor but enjoy creative happy play. If your whole family is stressed, your son will pretty sure appreciate one-on-on time with you more than anything, especially if you remove yourselves from the current tension. Just be aware, as RockRose hinted, that single parenting is a stress factor in itself...
I am recently divorced and have 3 children. I also have a medical condition and it was a hard decision to make. But my ex was similar in that he was like a rubber band ready to snap and he took it out on me and the kids. He also was rarely here, and absolutely no help. I was exhausted at the end of every day due to my health and taking care of the kids with no help. It's been 2 years now and yes it was VERY hard, but it's also easier in a lot of ways. First and foremost I no longer have to take care of HIM. No more cooking, laundry, cleaning up after the slob. Good riddance. The kids go see him every other weekend, so I get a little break there too. He actually has calmed down a little now that he doesn't have the stress of the kids, just his job to worry about. I feel a sense of peace with myself and the kids seem a little relieved that the tension is gone. Although now he's dating the model (see my post) and it's gotten ugly again. but I regress.........
PS: If your husband makes a good living, you will be entitled to alimony and child support payments. After being married for 12 years you would probably do OK in a divorce settlement. Check with an attorney if you're seriously considering this. Also, take your time with your decision and gain as much knowledge as you can to protect you and your son. Talk with attorneys and financial advisors before you mention anything to your husband.
If your husband has enough money to buy a jaguar, you do not need to move to low income housing and allow him to keep the house. Get an attorney--you are entitled to at least half if not more of the all properties aquired during the marriage and that includes his fancy car, it doesn't matter whose name is on it. When you're married it becomes both your property. I don't understand why you would be so poor if you got divorced when your husband apparently does very well. He will HAVE to pay you child support and alimony. Not optional. Hire an attorney immeditately and take him to court if he refuses to support you and your son.
Good for you ! It does feel so empowering, doesn't it ? Even how our life changes dramatically at least we are doing what we need to do to start a new life and with a new life, comes new, incredible opportunities and strength !
Imagine yourself as an outsider who read what you just wrote! You are not handcuffed and having a gun to your head making you stay. You sound articulate and intelligent. Read what you wrote.
That didn't work? Imagine your son growing up and marrying a woman who behaves like your husband?
And he writes what you wrote. What would you SAY to him? What would you WANT for him?
Stop the terrible cycle that our children see in us in what we PUT UP WITH...they learn to live that way. It doesn't have to be like that.
I broke the cycle when my daughter was 2 and 1/2 years old. I was with my husband for 10 years. I was HARD. But - so worth it! I lived with my mother for 1 year. Saved up a little $ with NO CHILD SUPPORT - and found an apartment. We lived with NO BIG HOUSE, NO FANCY CAR - but with love. I've made our life fun and enjoyable.
Leaving my husband - was healthy. I felt stronger, eventually. In turn - I focused more on my daughter. I focused more on my health. I focused more on my job! I've very successful in my career now - and now - with time - I have a home, a nice car. I don't need a lot of material things. Self love is so needed. My daughter sees a healthy Mom. In turn- she will be a healthy woman.
Take care! Be strong!!! don't make this difficult - he either wants what you want or he doesn't.
Your son can have a realtionship with him dad - and with you starting a new life- your son will probably have a better relationship with his dad - my daughter has a great realtionship with her dad NOW. He and I both say - had I not left - it would have been terrible for all 3 of us. I broke that cycle of "putting up with it."
Quality IS more important that quantity. If your husband is away from you (literally vs. the way he is now) hopefully he will appreciate any time he has with your son - your son will see a REAL version of his dad - and not be WISHING he had his dad more active. Children are innocent - they just want their parents to love them and spend time with them. It's not too much to ask.
The 3 of you will be better off if you start a new life. Get a mediator to deal with the legalities - from social services or child welfare - if you can't afford an attorney. That's what I did. I decided - I want my life and my child's life to be healthy and happy. Not fairy tale. Just real and good.
Take care!!!! Be strong! I'm a perfect example that you can make a BIG change in your life and it can be GOOD.
What got me to the point of thinking I just can't put up with stress is the week of hell he put me through before I posted my message. He did a bunch of stupid things that probably cost him his job and put us at risk for being sued. I believe he is going to have a major drop in income. He told me if I wanted to stay in the house he would continue paying the mortgage but I don't want to do this. I would still be at his mercy for money and I would worry every month. If he quit paying there is no way I could afford $1500 a month on my own.
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