LOVING WITH THE WRONG PERSON

[misscarene]

hi i'm carene, 20. my boyfriend is 29, married, with one kid. i just found out his status recently. i know, he lied his status because he love me and he was just afraid that i will leave him. he never cheated on me but he lied his status. he left his family, and planning to annul their marriage but unfortunately, her wife is overseas. i love him very much and i want to marry him.. we're 2 years already that's why i have a hard time deciding. will I going to trust him again? will i still continue our relationship? what will i follow? my mind or my heart? please help!!!

[mesh833]

I know this post is old and i would like to comment, but only if u are still with the man; are you still with the married man?

[Judy246]

I understand, but it's a decision that he has to make and I believe if  got married through the Catholic Church (In the Philippines, the predomenant population is Catholic correct?), anyway, if he is Catholic, all he has to do is make an appoinment with the Parish Pastor who will set a appointment for him or both to come in, will talk with them first and proceed with the paperwork for an annulment, which will also be recorded in book and sent to diocese. Annulment first, then he is free to proceed an open relationship with you.

[misscarene]

we don't have divorce here in PHILIPPINES! it's not legal. but we have annulment!

[Judy246]

The reality is that no matter what anyone one of us will advice you, you are sooo in love with this MARRIED guy and no matter how pretty you want to sugar coat the situation, you are the third wheel and the other woman (infidelity & adultery)....I dont see him asking or getting a divorce to be with you, so I'm pretty much done with this. What he needs to do is simple get a divorce then you can live out your fair tail, but be forwarned, what comes around goes around and one day, you will know what it feels like to be in her situation. Good Luck, you will be needing it.

[mami1323]

How many flavors of disfunction can you count in this relationship?  He's writing to his ex what you are telling him to write.  So how genuine is that?  Regardless of whether or not their marriage was over before you go into the picture, the fact remains that he lied for 2 years about his situation and status.  That is a big deal.  But I have a feeling you will stay with him no matter what people tell you.  It seems you want justification for remaining in this relationship, you won't get that here.  You need to do what's best for you and if you feel like he's the guy for you despite all his red flags, than do what you need to do.  You will learn your own life lessons.

[specialmom]

But see, the question isn't whether or not he wants to be with you.  The question is if he is worth you being with him.  He is not. He is a lyer and a cheat.  He abandoned his first wife and child.   He was not truthful with you and your relationship started off as a sham.  So sure, he wants to leave his wife and no longer loves her and he says he loves you.  Big deal.  That happens all the time with men with no character.  The quesiton is if you want to settle  for a guy like thta or do you want an exceptional guy that has no skeletons in his closet.  If you stay with him . . . you chance of going the distance for longterm is statistically very slim.  I wouldn't stay.  I set myself up for success.  Please go to school and pursue happiness that does not include a married father.  You'll meet a better man, I promise.  

[teko]

The way he is talking to her about you, should tell you something. Will he treat you the same way when you argue or fight? Watch very carefully how he treats others when he is displeased because one day this will be you he is talking to someone else about. He has no respect for the mother of his child nor himself in order to do this. Try to look at the reality and not the emotional side.

[misscarene]

hi...last time his wife, sent him an e-mail.. and i can access his e-mail...and i ask him to send her back a message and he did. in front of me, he sent her messages that he doesn't want her anymore and he's better of without her... he tells good things about me , that i'm far better than her. and he told her also that he loves me and he want to live the rest of his life with me bec. he said i'm his happiness. and the wife never reply and has gave up. after that, she don't send me messages anymore. he told his mother also that she don't love the wife anymore even before he met me. and tell the mother also that, he will be very happy if the wife is gone and got find a new man. on the first place, i dunno about his status. and it's not my fault. i'm not a home wrecker! i'm not the one who decided to be with me. i quote this message of him to his mother. " EVEN IF CARENE WILL BREAK UP WITH ME, WHATEVER HER DECISION, I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO HER AND FIX ALL THE THINGS. WE SPENT A LOT OF YEARS TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE AND TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER, BUT IT NEVER WORKED. I KNOW ALL OF YOU IS AFFECTED BUT WE ALWAYS TRIED BEFORE AND STILL THE RESULT IS THE SAME. WE ALWAYS FIGHT. MY HAPPINESS IS CARENE AND MY DAUGHTER. PLEASE DO UNDERSTAND.AND I DON'T WANT HER TO LEAVE ME. PLEASE DON'T BLAME HER, IT'S ALL MY FAULT, I DON'T TELL HER ABOUT MY STATUS."  his mother even apologized to me about this mess and tell me some about the marriage of the two. and she gave up already on helping and pleasing him to fix the marriage but my boyfriend has already gave up EVEN BEFORE WE MET. but now, i'm still on the deciding process.. i can't decide but i really. really love him. i gave everything to him.. I DUNNO (SIGH)

[teko]

You are twenty? Why would you with a clear head have anything to do with a guy that has shown he is not to be trusted, does not honor his committments, nor does he treat his significant other with respect, nor take into consideration what is best for his child over himself? He may be doing the dirty with the marriage right now but rest assured that if you hang with him, it is only a matter of time before you are wearing the wifes shoes. Lose the loser. You are too young to waste your life on anyone with this kind of baggage. And, oh the ex? will never ever go away and are you really prepared to play second fiddle for the rest of your life? I think not.

[misscarene]

but they're not together anymore. even the wife gave up already before we met. and now. she wants to get him back because she found out that his husband is loving another woman. he's still supporting his daughter. but doesn't communicate with his wife because all were done between them. he wasn't able to divorce their marriage because of financial matters and wait and give the wife time to totally accept it, that would result to divorce agreement.

[lovemykids465]

Put yourself in his wife's shoes for a moment. How would you feel if this was happening to you? I know it is hard to break the tie you have with this man but in time you will be so proud of yourself and maybe you will see a side of him when you do end it that you never knew existed and you are better off finding this out now.

[Judy246]

I also agree with the ladies above. It's time to take responsibility for your actions and start making a plan for your life. Going back to college, start working out in a gym, surround yourself with good friends and family and life has a way of falling into place. Just remember that this man does not belong to you and you deserve a man who is not committed and will give you everything you deserve including peace of mind.

[Judy246]

Moving on from a person that you love is extremely difficult, but yes, it can be done. You first acknowledge the situation you are in and there is no way around this one. There are consequences sooner or later. This man is not yours. He does not belong to you. He has taken sacred vows before God and what you both are doing is wrong and immoral, so it's time to "woman up" accept the reality of this situation and there are other innocent people involved. What would you do if you were in her shoes with a child. What about the life long impact it will have on this child and relationship to his father knowing one day that his father hurt his mother with infidelity? Never do to another person what you don't want done to you and I belive in Karma, what goes around comes around. Also, what would your family say about you and worse about him and you will never be able to trust him, because when things will go wrong with your relationship, he will run back to her! and yes he will! Don't be a fool and although you love him, it will take time to heal and you are a beautiful girl, you will never have problems finding the right man that is not committed in the yes of God to someone else. Walk away and don't look back, because it will be a matter of time when something is going to give and the person who will come out loosing, hurting and regretful will be you.

[mami1323]

I totally agree with specialmom (no surprise there), if he's been apart from his family for 3 years and has been with you for 2 years than at some point wouldn't you have figured out something was up if he was spending any kind of time with his child?  When was he being a father?  I don't think I could even be with a man who didn't give a lick about his own flesh and blood.  Then what kind of family values could he bring to your relationship?  What happens if you were to become pregnant, would he leave you and your child for another?  You have to think about those things when you are determining what kind of future you want with the man you're with.  What does he bring to this relationship?  Right now he brings, dishonesty, a wife and a child.  Not great qualities.  You have to find the strength to want better in your life.  If he was a real man he would've taken care of his marriage first before delving into a new one.  He was selfish and didn't think of your needs.  I don't know how long they've been married but you can't annul a marriage after years and a child.  He will have to get a divorce.  So I think he's lying to you about that one as well.

[specialmom]

Hi.  Remember, you are in an exciting time in your life.  This is where you invent yourself and plot out your destiny.  I'm serious about that.  You think about what kind of job you'd like, what kind of future you want, how you can be an independen women, etc.  You look at what you are passionate about and you do it.  Once you are a confident, capable woman---------  you will be in a better place to make wise decisions about relationships.  That is not to say you can't date------  but you need to develop who you are.  I'd move on as this relationship will end in unhappiness for you most likely.  Just dive into the other areas of life and the rest will follow.  And remember---------  this man is a lyer.  He let his wife and child down and you too.  I think with time you will see him for what he is.  Got any good friends you can hang out with?  Family you enjoy?  Hang out with them when youy feel weak and want to call this lyer guy instead.  goodluck

[penswriter]

just do it. you're being what my grandma calls a "homewrecker". You're destroying a family. Think about this child. You're ruining his/her family. granted it takes 2 to tango but once you found out he's been lying, has a wife, a child you should have packed up and said see ya.

[misscarene]

thanks guys! i really appreciate your comments and opinions. what will i do then? i think it would be very hard for me to move on...

[specialmom]

I think that one has to take seriously when a person they are involved with has lied from the get go about something so important.  It shows you that lies come easily to this man.  That is a lack of character.  I would be hard pressed to recommend to anyone to tie their life to someone when it started out like this.  It will forever be a little tarnished.  And you would be signing up with a load of baggage.  He has a child that he is responsible to (like when he is been with you and you didn't know he was married, how much time was he spending with his kid?  If it wasn't much-----------  another reason to not be with this man.  That is not a good thing that you never knew he had a child).  I think you are going to be able to find someone that will make you much happier than this man and that you can trust completely.  You'll always have questions with this guy.  good luck

[Judy246]

You are kidding me right? You are the other woman or "mistress" in an adulterous relationship, and are concern that he will cheat on you? You are kidding me right?  This poor example of a man is cheating on his wife with you and what makes you think he won't cheat on you. The problem is not his wife, it's you! You are the third wheel hear and insensitive that you are breaking up a home, family and destroying the life a child. A person who cheats is dishonest, lacks moral values, self respect, selfish and I can go on and on. If he loved you that much, he would have filed for a divorce immediately, but he has not. Your a fool and it's just a matter of time that he will use you and dispose of you too, because his wife and child will always be part of him so get use to that.

[penswriter]

he's telling you EVERYTHING that you WANT to hear. he'll always say "oh yeah i love you not her." "oh yeah i'll leave her." "i'll NEVER cheat on you." (if he can cheat on his wife...he'll cheat on you.) he's playing you for a fool. SHE is his wife. not you. SHE has his child. not you. THEY are his family. not you. he's going to continue telling you everything you want to hear to keep you doing what HE wants. he's going to keep making these promises and something will always keep coming up. oh she's over seas. oh this happened. i don't have the money right now.

IF he does leave his family for you...i can just about guarantee that IF you would get married within 2 years he'll be off to the next woman making her the same promises then divorcing you to be with her.

good luck.

[Ashelen]

I'm sorry but I really agree with mami....if he can cheat on his wife for years and lie to you about being married in the first place, there's no reason that he won't do it to you as well. I would run and never look back if I were you....love is SO much about honesty, and hiding something as huge as a marriage and a child is so wrong I can't even begin to come up with a word for it. What happens when you don't start looking so bright and shiny to him? Is he going to lie to his new girlfriend about being married? I'm sorry hon I know you love him, but I really don't think this guy is any good...I think he's going to break your heart. He already has no problem tearing apart his family and lying to you...that's not a good sign.

[misscarene]

he's not living with his family for 3 years already... he doesn't want me to leave him bacause  he love me. and even he and his mother told me that i am far better than her wife. he loves me, he's doing everything just to be free from their marriage. i accept that he have a kid, but i don't want to be just his mistress forever. it's my dream to get marry. and he swore to me that he will annul their marriage ASAP. but the problem is her wife. what if she doesn't want to annul their marriage. nah, i'm really confused. it's really hard for me to decide because i really. really love him.

[mami1323]

He's married with a child and was cheating on his wife with you for two years.  Do you really think that he didn't tell you because he was afraid you would leave him?  He didn't tell you because he wasn't ready to leave her.  Is she in the army?  He was cheating on you both.  How could you think he never cheated on you?  He wasn't ever yours to begin with, he had a family with someone else.  You will always have trust issues because you started your relationship as a lie.  If he can cheat on his wife and child with you than what would make you any different?  You can do what you want to do but I don't think he's a good guy at all.  What about his child?  When he leaves his wife is he planning on still being a father to his child?  She will always be part of his life since they share a child together and to me, that would be a difficult pill to swallow.  You most likely will stay with him but I think you will find yourself being on the other end one day.  You the wife and him having a girlfriend behind your back.  He doesn't sound like a man who could be trusted.