I have been living with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. I really do love him, but we've been fighting a lot recently. I've suffered from depression in the past, and seem to live better and be happier when I am NOT on medication and just meditate or talk my problems out. Therefore, I give him the benefit of the doubt that I am the one starting the fights because of my slight mood swings, and accept that I am not listening all the time, and that I need to work on things.
After months of accepting that am usually wrong concerning our arguments, I've finally realized that maybe he is actually manipulating me. He would never mean to do this because he is almost annoyingly in love with me, but he does have a tendency to win arguments easily (he's Italian). Now, I become agitated, frustrated, and annoyed when an argument starts because I see that HE actually starts most of them by picking on me. And this hasn't helped our sex life.
I find myself never initiating sex, he always does. In fact, he only touches me in a sexual way, never interested in cuddling or just embracing. I feel guilty and bad that I'm just not as interested in having sex with him as I SHOULD be, seeing that I love him. I'm frustrated and feel worn out. And after thinking about the past few months of him dominating ALL of our arguments, he annoys the hell out of me to be honest. He is always concerned that I'm not "putting out" enough, and that I "never get horny." I actually do get aroused often, but not necessarily by thinking about him...
I don't know what to do. Can anyone give me advice? Thank you for reading this.
Women have this tendency to second guess themselves and be slightly more introspective than men (sorry guys, just my observation)------ so when you add that to the fact that you know you have mood swings . . . I could see how this would happen. A wise person here always says that it takes two people to fight. So when your boyfriend has blamed you in the past, he was also to blame. And now you've noticed that he is baiting you for the arguments. I'm guessing when you've sat down and tried to talk to him about that, he says it is all your fault. Very frustrating and counterproductive. I think in cases like these, an unbiased third party such as a counselor would be very helpful. They can help you with the skills that a couple needs to argue effectivly. All couples have disagreements but being able to handle them in a way to work it out is important.
When couples argue a lot, I always look for an underlying cause. When lots of little arguments happen------ is it because they aren't talking about the big stuff. Also when couples argue over the same things is it because they've never solved the issue or reached a compromise so they keep coming back to that. Also, some couples banter and that is their thing. But both would be okay with it then. You have a right to not want that in your relationship.
So to answer your real question, absolutely, problems, conflict, resentment all will take its toll on intimacy. In fact, intmacy is often a barometer of how the relationship is going. I think if you work on the problems within the relationship------ your intimacy will return. (I think you acknowledge too that depression can play a role in libido as well. But so can the drugs used to treat it. You have to figure out the best plan for you with that . . .)Anyway, good luck. With only 6 months of living together, I feel counseling could set up up for a much happier relationship in the future.
Thank you for your response! Trying to talk things through earlier today helped a little, but you're right, a therapist or counselor could help us get to the point much easier and solve it more effectively. I appreciate your advice:)
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