Lack of sex causing problems!

I have been involved in 3 serious relationships and everyone of them seems too fall apart due to a lack of sex. I feel like I need sex at least 4 times a week and would prefer it daily. Is this really too much? I am willing to try new positions and things although very few of them do much for me. Its about mutual pleasure. Why is it that the men in my life don't want it or me all that often? I have talked about my wishes before and always hear "I do want you, I am just too tired".

[barn babe]

Well, I'm with you on this. I also have  a hearty sexual appetite, but I've always ended up with men who were on about the same level sexually. I probably even unconsciously seek out highly sexed guys because I know it's important to me.

I've been slammed for this before around here, but I'll say it again: Before you break up the relationship over this, is there any possibility you could have a lover outside the relationship? Not talking about an "affair" or slithering (!) around behind his back, just an open discussion about getting your needs met.  

Unfortunately, we live in a culture that defines a relationship as the "exclusive use of the other person's genitals."  Think about it. Would you have a meltdown if your partner went out and played racquetball with some woman on a regular or semi-regular basis? Maybe because you don't play racquetball or are "too tired?"  Probably not. If he had a close female friend that he had dinner with a couple of times a month, would you object? Probably not. But if he had a female friend that he was banging on a regular or semi-regular basis, how would you feel about that?

95% of people in relationships have others outside the primary partner who meet  needs  we don't get met in the relationship.  I've got a guy I go to the opera with on a regular basis because my partner hates the opera. I've also got a couple of close friends that I see regularly to talk highly specialized legal stuff with. My partner is not a lawyer and I'm afraid it would bore the sh*t out of him to discuss this stuff with him.  

Somehow, though, we've drawn the line about the sex outside relationship issue.  

Anyway, if everything else works in the relationship, and they don't want to have sex as much as you, would they be averse to you having it outside the relationship? That of course assumes you would even want this yourself.

If you don't, or they won't, I guess you'll have to masturbate more. Otherwise, what other options do you have?

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Okay, my first thought is this is some adolescent boy writing....

But on the off chance that you are for real, I think you need to evaluate why you are not sexually satisfied.  If it is impossible for you to be satisfied in any relationship then perhaps you may investigate whether or not you have a sexual addiction.

[RockRose]

Shadowsting,  I think it's a very rare man,  in the early stages of a relationship,  who doesn't want sex at least 4 times a week.

What is it you're hinting at when you say you are willing to try new positions but very few of them do anything for you,  and it's about mutual pleasure?  What are you saying,  exactly?

Are you saying you aren't satisfied by the sex act itself,  and ask the man to do other stuff each time (oral,  manual,  whatever)?  

I'm sorry I'm being dense.  ;D

[shadowsting]

What I am saying is that I'm not stuck to one position or thing. I'm not real into anal but am willing to give oral or experiment with other positions and things. I have a hard time having an orgasm with anything other missionary position (ie. doggie style or oral) but am open to these as a starter. I am willing to give as well as recieve and want my partner to enjoy it as well. I AM NOT JUST ABOUT ME GETTING OFF. I am opposed to looking for sex outside of a relationship and don't think that once a day is really an addiction.

[RockRose]

Shadow - I kind of think that once a day,  with a boyfriend, is actually kind of an addiction.

Once a day for several days in a row is great,  and some days in there with sex more than once,  then the guy I'm sure wants to go a couple days without.  

If you are actually pulling at your boyfriend and kind of insisting on sex every single day,  but willing to settle for sex 4 times a week,  I really do think that's too much for most guys.  Having an expectation every single day is very wearing.

[koukla29]

Maybe you just haven't met a man that you really connect with on a sexual level.  I understand a high sex drive, and its wonderful when you have compatability in that department within your relationship.  You may want to get yourself a good vibrator.    

[barn babe]

Rock Rose, tell us you are joking:

"I kind of think that once a day, with a boyfriend, is actually kind of an addiction."

There is a clinical definition for sexual addiction, and this poster, from the information she mentioned, doesn't fit it.

My partner and I have sex once daily at a minimum. Many days of the week it's twice a day, depending on his work schedule. When we go away for weekends or vacations, it's often more frequent than that.  There's nothing "addicting" about what we are doing. And we are both very satisfied with our sexual relationship.

Sexual frequency is something that is worked out between the couple. It's also fluid, meaning it can change depending on the circumstances of the relationship, stressors that pop up, or changes in desire.

This poster has a sexual incompatibility issue. There is no way to read anything else into this post. She said she's willing to try different  things and reciprocate with her partners. Clearly, she has a higher sexual drive than her partners.

If you don't want to have  another sex partner outside your  primary relationship, and you have already discussed the sexual frequency issue with your partner and nothing has changed, then you can  see a couples counselor or a sex  therapist. That would be the next step.

Here are your choices: telling your partner how you feel and discussing some changes in your sexual relationship; extra-relationship sex with a person who is not your partner; couples counseling or sex therapy;  masturbating more; or leaving the relationship. Or maybe a combination of some of the first four.

All things being equal, if you really dig the guy and are compatible in other ways and everything else is  good, I'd try the first or the second options before I ended the relationship.

I don't think you have  "unrealistic" expectations about your sex  life, I think sometimes it's difficult to know how the sexual compatibility thing is going to shake out when you first start dating and sleeping with somebody. But if you are well aware of a large sexual appetite in yourself, it's best to put this on the table early in the relationship. It's like anything else that willo come up as you date  someone and learn about them.

The problem is that when you are early in the relationship and tell a guy you have a strong sex drive, they will probably  come off as very simplistic in their response, like drooling or saying "yeah, that's hot," or some other positive response but one where they are not really "hearing" you.  Then, when the relationship gets started, and the sexual and behavioral patterns start shaking out, you will find out if they really do have a high sex drive themselves. And at that point, a gentle reminder like "Remember what I said about my sex drive?" would give you a little more cred in "defending" your position. And maybe you could cut your losses sooner rather than later, if you had to.

I've had a few relationships where my sex drive was clearly higher than the guy's, and that was one of the big factors in the relationships ending. If you are  a sexual person, this is going to be a deal-breaker unless you yourself compromise in what you are willing to accept. I personally put sexual compatibility up there with some of the most important aspects in choosing partners, because it CAN cause so many problems down the road if there is a large discrepancy in compatibility. We all have dealbreakers (no fundie Xtians, no overweight guys, must be a leftist politically, or whatever), and you need to get  clear about whether this really is a dealbreaker for you, because clearly it continues to occur over and over in your relationships.

It sounds like something you need to put out there early on when you are dating, so these men are aware of it fairly soon. Could save everybody lots of time and energy.

[RockRose]

No,  barn babe,  I'm not joking.

If you have to do something once a day,  to the point that you drive off several relationships,  that qualifies as a kind of addictive,  or at least obsessive behavior,  in my book.

At the very minimum it's a quality that ends a relationship,  I guess call it whatever word you want,  if you have to have sex every day and if you don't have it it's a problem every day.

Of course,  my opinion only.

[shadowsting]

In all but the first relationship I did "put it out there early". We had many disscussions about our expectations before even starting a sexual relationship. I have tried couples counciling and he doesn't believe that sex is the real issue. I thinks I am lying to him and that their is some underlying issue that is causing problems. We have worked through the few other issues we had (parenting styles, housework, ect) and have a great relationship exept for a serious lack of sex. In the early days we both were fine with once a day or more but as the months progress it becomes more infrequent, thus the more we fight. "A good vibrator" is only so effective. I have thought of moving on again but was hoping for some hope that this problem is not going to follow me. I just don't understand it.

[RockRose]

Shadow - it's so hard to tell what's going on in a relationship,  with an internet discussion.

I do agree with your last statement,  that you just don't quite understand this yet.

I think there is something else going on here,  in these several sequential relationships,  besides the men just not having a high enough sex drive to have sex 4 - 7 times a week.  

It might take more digging,  and painful honesty to discover what it is,  but it seems it would be rare to find several men in a row who weren't interested in that,  but otherwise were very very happy with the relationships in general.

Best wishes.

[barn babe]

"Excuse me but if you read closer you can see that I didn't think that having a strong sexual appetite is a problem. I know what a sex addict is."

Apparently you have no idea what a sex addict is, because you seemed to feel I was possibly an "addict" based on the comment I made that I  get laid 1-2 times a day.  Where did you say you did your psych training?

"You are certainly the pot calling the kettle black. If someone doesn't agree with you, they are narrow minded and don't look outside the box. I believe it is you who constantly make judgements (sic) on others are the narrow minded one. Before you throw insults around you really should know what you are talking about."

Judgment has one "e." That one is as bad as "loose" weight.

I wasn't the one who started throwing around the word "addiction" in this thread.  But as soon as I see that word, especially about something like sexual behavior, I get a little concerned that it's people's biases coming into play rather than a more objective look at  the information given and then deciding that it's a clinically defined syndrome.

" But I would never judge someone who loves sex unless they are sleeping with a million partners and putting themselves at risk for contracting an STD."

I guess you missed Sexuality class during your "psych training."

It's not the number of partners one has, it's the behaviors they are engaged in. Hate to break it to you, but somebody could have dozens of partners and never contract an STD, and somebody else could be sleeping with one person and contract several  STDs.  Depends on their specific behaviors. But yours is a typical judgment that folks have, because we have such a f*cked up society about sexuality. Monogamy good, multiple partners bad. Yeah, I've heard that one before. Yeesh.

Frankly, I don't care how many people somebody is sleeping with, as long as it's consensual, and as long as it's responsible. But, yeah, I can see you are really "thinking outside the box" (no pun intended) on this issue.

"I was just questioning what you considered a sex addiction and frankly I have a psych background and don't need your advice"

As I said (now more than once), I would follow the DSM if I were going to throw around the term sex addiction. Apparently, others on here feel it's okay to use that term more casually (including you), but I don't.

Bottom line is I think many folks pull judgment calls on others' sexuality because sexuality in general, and especially women's sexuality, scares the sh*t out of people. That's why the fundies hate abortion, and it's why people get their thongs in a twist about sex outside "primary" relationships, or a "million" partners, or what have you. It's too scary to think about a different approach to sexuality. People can't handle it. It brings up too much emotionally charged material for them. Especially around women's sexuality.

In MHFO. Do with it what you will.

[barn babe]

Why wouldn't you want your partner to see this thread?  I know you are kidding (aren't you?), but that sounds like the standard response of  somebody who doesn't want sex as much as their partner, which is what this entire thread is about.

My partner puts in 10- to 12-hour days in a hospital emergency room, and he certainly has "time" for sex once daily, sometimes twice. When we started dating, I was working a 50-hour week in a busy law practice. And I had the energy and the time to screw him once a day, if not twice.  I'm no longer working, but it certainly hasn't changed the level of my desire to have sex with him.

"When do you have time" is the same excuse people give for not exercising on a regular basis. If it's important to you, there is time.

For some people, sex just isn't that important. But many many relationships have this "discrepancy" where one wants it more than the other, and it usually starts causing problems after a while. Usually, it's the women who don't want to put out for their partners, but I guess it works both ways, as evidenced by this original poster's issue.

I don't understand why people get into long-term relationships if they don't like regular sex with their partner. Given that one of the biggest  cultural definitions of a relationship is the exclusive use of  that person's genitals, you'd think the people hooking up would actually want to *use* that other person's genitals once in a while! (Or not mind if their partner uses someone else's.)

It's baffling, to say the least.

[mami1323]

barn babe, wasn't it you who said that you have an open relationship with your partner?  Which means that if you aren't satisfied you will go to someone else....of course with the consent of your partner.  Now you say that you and your partner are having sex once or twice a day.  You don't think that you have a slight addiction to sex?  I'm very confused by this.  

I think that it is healthy to have sex as frequently as both you and your partner feel like having sex.  However, if it comes to the point where you are driving away partners with your insatiable appetite for sex, than there is a problem.  No one should feel forced into having sex.  Maybe you just haven't met the person who meets your sexual standards yet.  You can't make a relationship work if the two of you are completely different, and I don't mean just sexually.  Sex is very important in a relationship and if you are with someone who doesn't have your drive than it couldn't possibly work out.  There isn't much more that I could tell you other than I hope you find someone who will be able to keep up with you.

[koukla29]

I don't think it's an addiction to want a lot of sex from your partner, to have it once, twice, three times a day or a hot, sex fest weekend!!!  The problem is not the frequency; the problem is that you don't feel there is a compromise about this in your relationship.  In addition, you are with someone with a lower sex drive who will not indulge you when he's not in the mood.... does this happen all the time?  Many times, one person won't be in the mood, but this quickly changes with some music, nice wine, sexy lingerie...  My point is both partners need to be willing to compromise within the relationship.  You sound frustrated because he is unwilling to compromise and tells you that you have the issue here.  I don't think that's fair to you or your relationship.  

[barn babe]

No, I don't  have an open sexual relationship with this current partner. However, I have had a few in the past that worked out fine for both myself and the long-term  partner I was with. And I am not averse to open relationships if both partners discuss it frankly and can come to an agreement about it.

However, I absolutely do not advocate going outside the relationship to have sex unless your partner understands that you are doing it and is comfortable with it. Sex is something that needs to be discussed between the partners, and what they come up with as far as frequency, practices, behaviors, or anything else is their business. Whatever works is what I'm after.

There is a very specific clinical definition for "sex addiction" in the DSM-IV. Neither I nor the original poster in this thread fits that definition (at least from what I've read of her posts here.)

My partner and I rarely eat at home. Since we eat in restaurants at least 5 days a week, would you consider us "addicted" to restaurants? Start thinking outside the box here. People in relationships work out all kinds of arrangements with respect to their sexuality, their day-to-day living arrangements, their compatibility issues, and  everything else. You appear locked into a thought process that having sex more frequently (than what you are probably having yourself) is somehow pathological.

You need to work on that  stereotype. Relationships are as different as each individual/couple. Just because somebody's idea of a sex life doesn't fit your narrow version doesn't mean they have a disorder of some kind.

[mami1323]

Excuse me but if you read closer you can see that I didn't think that having a strong sexual appetite is a problem.  I know what a sex addict is.  I told her that maybe she just wasn't sexually compatible with the person she was with.  I tend to look outside the box frequently, that's why I am able to give good, unbiased opinions.  You are certainly the pot calling the kettle black.  If someone doesn't agree with you, they are narrow minded and don't look outside the box.  I believe it is you who constantly make judgements on others are the narrow minded one.  Before you throw insults around you really should know what you are talking about.

Secondly, I have never once discussed my sexual appetite.  In all fairness, I had a very satisfying and fulfilling sex life until I became pregnant.  But I would never judge someone who loves sex unless they are sleeping with a million partners and putting themselves at risk for contracting an STD.

I was just questioning what you considered a sex addiction and frankly I have a psych background and don't need your advice on the DSM-IV description.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

How do you find the time?

Or energy?

Geesh, I hope my dh doesn't see your post....I'm going to be in deep trouble.


Ciel

hugely pregnant, cranky and just not feeling like my sexy self anymore.

[mami1323]

You know I'm not going to get into a juvenile fight with you.  All you do is look for it and frankly I don't have time to deal with someone who thinks that their **** doesn't stink.  You can't take anyone thinking differently than you, there must be something wrong with them.  To pick on my spelling, wow, kindegarten ****, and very pathetic.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who will agree with this.  So you can write back whatever you would like because I am not going to respond.  Have fun arguing with yourself.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

That was actually an attempt at humour....

Obviously as a hugely pregnant woman who is puking all the time my sex drive is not what it usually is....


But thanks for your kind words.

[shadowsting]

Just so you all know, my therapist doesn't think its an addiction. It is normal to have a strong sexual appetite and even more normal for a female in her 30's to notice a significant increase in that appetite. I guess it has also become the trend for men to not want it as much. There are many theiories why but no one true answer. It just is. Too much stress, too much pressure, too much porn. Who knows. Thanks for all your input. I still don't understand it and yes it is important to the relationship. Without it, much like food, we tend to get crabby. This affects every other area of our lives, thus is a problem that needs solving somehow.

[dreama_darlene]

Okay shadowsting, here's my opinion.  I have been with the same man for almost 18 years who is the same way.  I am the exact opposite.  Before I met my husband, I had been in three long term relationships.  If they could, they would be at me 24/7.  Talk about a big change.  I also have a very hearty sexual appetite.  So I guess you could say that we've met in the middle.  You see, I am very much in love with my husband and would do anything for him.  So I have had to be the one to be very patient through this all.  He's also had to have a lot of patience with me.  Don't get me wrong.  It hasn't been easy.  I've even thought of straying away.  But it just isn't worth it.  I have a great husband and I would never want to mess it up.  I would love to have sex once a day.  But it ain't gonna happen.  You are probably a lot younger, so I would think really hard on this dicision.  You might want to do what Barn Babe said, and find someone compatible.  Most men usually don't have a problem with that.  LOL!  But there are a few out there.  I hope everything works out for you.