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Learning to be alone
Hello, I was in an on and off 16 months relationship with what I thought was the love of my life. It was very dysfunctional because of her very rough past that's affecting her daily thought process and behaviors. It took me evry ounce of strenghth and mental fortitude not to take her back and as soon as she figured we werent getting back together, she immediately jumped into another relationship and stopped contact.
For the past number of years, I have always sought refuge with women whether it was long term relationships or short term flings. This is the result of me filling a void as I have been with pretty much no family or support system since I was 18.
Because I have always been with a girl, I have never developed meaningful friendships with guys or hobbies to keep me occupied.
Before my escapades with women, I used to be very active (sports, activities...).
For the past 10 years or so, my life revolved around women. I was the happiest when relationships were going well but as soon as they started to falter, I would be very depressed and anxious.
As soon as I break up with one, I immmediately had to fill the void by seeeking another one. My neediness has led me to attract questionable characters. My goal was to always have an atttractive girl to call my own to fill my enormous emotional void. Around these beautiful girls I seemed fulfilled, happy but I deep down knew it was temporary.
Most of the girls I attracted weren't exactly the definition of wife material. I would try so hard to change them all knowing the unfavorable end result.
As long as they were attractive and interested, I was game. Some were bipolars, some were abused in the past, some were strippers, some cared more than others.
In my circles (neighborhood, work..), I am known as the young man with the luxury car that's living the life. After all, they see me with the great job, the great car, the great clothes and the beautiful chicks, little do they know about my unhappiness, loneliness and borderline depression.
As I was having anxiety attacks and borderline depressive, I decided to call a co-worker (and also the only female I consider a friend) and tell her my situation.
She responded by saying that although some short sighted people may not notice it, she knew that I was a very unhappy individual. She talked about an aura that I exude that clearly spells my unhappiness. She was very frank and said that she's my friend because she's mature enough to see that I am great guy that needs help and was glad I came to her.
She suggested that I cut myself off relationships until I find myself and learn to be happy by myself. She suggested that if I was to be around a female to make sure they are only friends, to not kiss them or sleep with them. She suggested that I take on hobbies and start enjoying my time.
We finished our phone conversation and I felt a huge relief, a load off my shoulders. I no longer had tears in my eyes, I no longer was depressed. All I have to do is forget about women and relationships for a while and learn to be happy by MYSELF and I will be cured and rid myself of all these demons that have severtely accompanied me for years!
3 days later, beside the occasional bout of sadness, I am doing much better but I am desperately trying to find ways to occupy my time and find things that make me happy.
I am trying to find hobbies but everything seems boring to me. Playing basketball or a soccer match that was the ultimate fun for me years ago is boring now, a comedy show that had my friend in absolute laughter only invoked occasional smiles from me, movies end up surfacing relationship memories.
Yes, I am much happier now than I was 3 days ago (and thank you Chloe for the conversation) but everything that I have done the past 3 years revolved around a woman, the only fun was with the presence of another girl.
I believe 100% that I need to be alone for a while but I want to find things to do that are fun, I don't wanna be bored all the time, I want to be excited again, I want to make MYSELF smile and make MYSELF happy. I want to enjoy things again, I wanna exude a positive aura...
Thank you all for reading and am eagerly awaiting your commnets and suggestions.
For the past number of years, I have always sought refuge with women whether it was long term relationships or short term flings. This is the result of me filling a void as I have been with pretty much no family or support system since I was 18.
Because I have always been with a girl, I have never developed meaningful friendships with guys or hobbies to keep me occupied.
Before my escapades with women, I used to be very active (sports, activities...).
For the past 10 years or so, my life revolved around women. I was the happiest when relationships were going well but as soon as they started to falter, I would be very depressed and anxious.
As soon as I break up with one, I immmediately had to fill the void by seeeking another one. My neediness has led me to attract questionable characters. My goal was to always have an atttractive girl to call my own to fill my enormous emotional void. Around these beautiful girls I seemed fulfilled, happy but I deep down knew it was temporary.
Most of the girls I attracted weren't exactly the definition of wife material. I would try so hard to change them all knowing the unfavorable end result.
As long as they were attractive and interested, I was game. Some were bipolars, some were abused in the past, some were strippers, some cared more than others.
In my circles (neighborhood, work..), I am known as the young man with the luxury car that's living the life. After all, they see me with the great job, the great car, the great clothes and the beautiful chicks, little do they know about my unhappiness, loneliness and borderline depression.
As I was having anxiety attacks and borderline depressive, I decided to call a co-worker (and also the only female I consider a friend) and tell her my situation.
She responded by saying that although some short sighted people may not notice it, she knew that I was a very unhappy individual. She talked about an aura that I exude that clearly spells my unhappiness. She was very frank and said that she's my friend because she's mature enough to see that I am great guy that needs help and was glad I came to her.
She suggested that I cut myself off relationships until I find myself and learn to be happy by myself. She suggested that if I was to be around a female to make sure they are only friends, to not kiss them or sleep with them. She suggested that I take on hobbies and start enjoying my time.
We finished our phone conversation and I felt a huge relief, a load off my shoulders. I no longer had tears in my eyes, I no longer was depressed. All I have to do is forget about women and relationships for a while and learn to be happy by MYSELF and I will be cured and rid myself of all these demons that have severtely accompanied me for years!
3 days later, beside the occasional bout of sadness, I am doing much better but I am desperately trying to find ways to occupy my time and find things that make me happy.
I am trying to find hobbies but everything seems boring to me. Playing basketball or a soccer match that was the ultimate fun for me years ago is boring now, a comedy show that had my friend in absolute laughter only invoked occasional smiles from me, movies end up surfacing relationship memories.
Yes, I am much happier now than I was 3 days ago (and thank you Chloe for the conversation) but everything that I have done the past 3 years revolved around a woman, the only fun was with the presence of another girl.
I believe 100% that I need to be alone for a while but I want to find things to do that are fun, I don't wanna be bored all the time, I want to be excited again, I want to make MYSELF smile and make MYSELF happy. I want to enjoy things again, I wanna exude a positive aura...
Thank you all for reading and am eagerly awaiting your commnets and suggestions.
I agree with the above advice completely. Also, it's been 3 whole days since you've had this epiphany (which I think your co-worker friend nailed it for you)...change takes time. You cannot expect in 3 days that everything will be changed and you'll be fulfillled and fully engaged in new hobbies and life. You've been in this pattern for a long time, it's going to take some time to change your ways and how you think. Be patient.
I too think therapy would be very beneficial, while at the same time, seeking friends and hobbies. You have to learn to be content with just YOU before you can EVER offer someone else the good parts of you in a relationship.
While you're making these changes, and hopefully working with a therapist, hopefully you can come to the realization too that there is SO much morer to a person than their looks. Lots of people have "trophy wives", but most of them are NOT happy.
Very best to you!
I too think therapy would be very beneficial, while at the same time, seeking friends and hobbies. You have to learn to be content with just YOU before you can EVER offer someone else the good parts of you in a relationship.
While you're making these changes, and hopefully working with a therapist, hopefully you can come to the realization too that there is SO much morer to a person than their looks. Lots of people have "trophy wives", but most of them are NOT happy.
Very best to you!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, awareness is so very helpful and you sound like you've reached some important conclusions about yourself! This will help you change things AND your patterns. I would strongly suggest you begin working with a therapist to look into your past decisions and what drives you to follow particular patterns. Also explore your emotional issues and get clarity as to what role they play. Hobbies are there waiting for you. You can begin by making a list of things you have an interest in trying again or trying for the first time. And then you start ticking off your list and giving them a try. Stick with the ones you enjoy. Stay busy which helps for not trying to date again.
but I think a therapist will make all the difference in the world for you. good luck
but I think a therapist will make all the difference in the world for you. good luck
Try focusing on something... reading, learning a new hobby, art, singing, playing an instrument, try different ways of expressing yourself. I too am like you and tend to bounce from relationships.Find new hobbies, find new places, do something daring or adventurus, join a group, a club, the gym, meet people, go out. Take your mind off your troubles, sometimes i find taking a long drive helps too...
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