Relationships Community
Leaving immediately after sex
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Leaving immediately after sex

I wrote earlier about being in love with an Army guy who is now stationed in Kosovo.  There is just one thing that I would like some opinions on.

The last date that we had was right before he was moving.  We went to dinner at a nice restaurant, then came back to my house.  We drank some more wine (his idea) then moved into the bedroom where we talked a while and then eventually started fooling around.  The sex started pretty quickly but went on for a long time.  I felt terrible the whole time because I knew he was just using me.  I didn't care because I just wanted to be with him, in any way he would let me.  After the sex, he fell asleep while I just stared at him sleeping.  He woke up and I started fooling around with him, thinking only of his pleasure.  We then started having sex but he stopped and said "I'm too old girl" and then he said he had to go home.  He left in about 10 minutes.  Why would he leave without finishing?  Did he find me so gross and unattractive that he couldn't finish the job? Was I too pushy?

He called me one month or so later and then 2 more times after that.  I found out he is in Kosovo from his myspace page.  Haven't heard from him since.

What do you think he was thinking when he left so quickly?
Related Discussions
26 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
519661_tn?1264519808
well i just read your prior post too, the one about being in love with an army man....i wanted to try and get the whole story before i responded.  

i think you are too hard on yourself...i think his leaving had everything to do with him and not you!!  " Did he find me so gross and unattractive that he couldn't finish the job? Was I too pushy? "  well you guys just had a long session of sex, so i believe if he found any of those things that you said true, he would not have had sex with you in the first place...just my opinion.

i think you are overly obsessed with this guy, i have also been in that same boat....obsessing over a man where i tried to read into every call and note that i received....i obsessed if he was trying to say more to me than what he was actually saying.  i did this for 10 yrs, believe it or not and ya know what?!?  after all those years i finally came out and asked him how he felt...i was so afraid of the rejection before, that i just tried to read into everything.  i finally got my answer.  he did care for me, but just as friends.  it hurt, but it was such a relief too!!  do not torture yourself and play guessing games, be honest with him and tell him how you feel.  life is too short to waste so much precious time playing guessing games.  you need to move on with your life!!  i wish you the best of luck and my best wishes go out to you!!  i hope i helped in some small way!!  take care!!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Ladies, your advice has really helped me more than you'll ever know.  I am 6 yrs older than him and he was the first guy I met in a long time that I actually found interesting and attractive.  I couldn't understand why he would call me, talk for hours, tell me about himself, and then not want to go to the next step.  I would have moved to another state just to be with him.  I would have tried to have a child or adopt a child, take care of the son he has, kept a good home, I would have done anything.

drmwvrjean - you're right, I am obsessed.  I do think he wanted to be just friends but have some benefits too.  He never lied to me and made me think we were actually in a relationship but to me, having sex does mean a relationship.  I can't seperate my emotions like that.

It's so hard to know what guys are thinking sometimes.  

I also found out from looking on his myspace page, that their is a girl who says she in a relationship with him.  She is not in his "friends" and he's not in hers but she did make a comment on one of his video's.  Then I read her profile and it's all about how she misses her soldier.  She even had his name tattooed on her boob.  It's a heart with American flag design and his name in the middle.  She also had tee-shirts made up with his picture and her picture on it, though they aren't together in the pictures.  All her blogs talk about waiting for him to come home.  He doesn't say anything about her on is myspace page and he is still on 3 different dating sites.  She is 41, high school graduate, a mother of 3, a grandmother, "retired".  From her photo's she looks a lot older than 41 and she's chubby.  She could be a very nice person with a great personality.  Maybe she is his soulmate.  But she is so different from me.  I'm thin, college grad, no kids, have a job.  But she lives where he is now.  She has the advantage.  Maybe they email every day and he really is in love with her.

Sometimes I just think that there is something wrong with me and no man wants me.   I am beginning to think I should just give up and be single for the rest of my life.

Thank you again lady's for helping me feel better.  You're both so sweet and I really needed to hear other points of view.
Blank
145992_tn?1341348674
It sounds to me like you're not the only one he's making to feel that there is more than what it is.  Maybe this girl thinks the same way.  To want to have a child and move to be with a man who never let you think there was more to this then just sex, seems a bit odd.  Having sex is NOT the same as a relationship.  If you can't separate the two you have to rethink your approach into your sexual situations.  If you really like someone, wait until you get to know them, establish something emotional first and then take it to a physical level.  Otherwise, have sex and see it as just that, a fling, nothing more, nothing less.  Either way, the feelings he has for you are not mutual.  It's time to move on.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Thanks Mami and I really appreciate your comments.  I know you are right.  I just wish I could figure out what is going in this guys head with regards to me.   I don't sleep around and think sex is something that can lead to a relationship.  Especially good sex.  I don't know, I am so confused!!!!!
Blank
145992_tn?1341348674
That's the problem, you are too focused on what he's thinking.  In reality I'm sure he's not.  He's just living his life.  It's sad because sometimes we feel a connection that they just don't.  But at some point you have to just try and move on and let go of your feelings.  Think with your head and stop feeling with your heart.  It will get you in trouble all of the time....lol.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Mami, Of course, you are right again.  I'm just overly analytical.  In your opinion though, what kind of guy do you think he is?  Do you think he's a family guy or a player or maybe he just thought I wasn't worthy of him or too different?  What's your honest opinion?  You seem like a good evalulator!
Blank
145992_tn?1341348674
I think he's a player in all honesty.  You can tell by his myspace page.  He probably knows he's good looking.  But that doesn't make you less of a person.  You just got swept away by it all.  Doesn't mean you are unattractive or not worthy of being loved by a man.  Who is he?  He's just some guy who probably doesn't want to settle down.  You are analyzing way too much, like you said you are overly analytical.  Because he doesn't want to be with you, you think it's something about yourself, rather then think it's him who may have a problem with commitment.  You want more then he wants or wanted, so you feel rejected.  But it's not you, it's him.  You know how many men I wanted a relationship with but they didn't want a commitment.  Well not many but a couple.  It was never me, it wasn't anything that I was doing, it was them.  They knew I was a good woman, they just weren't worthy of me.  I wanted a relationship, they didn't.  That's all.  Just bad timing.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
thank you all for your comments.  They made a lot of sense.  The saddest thing about all this is knowing I'll never see him again.  Never touch his face or hug him or kiss him or make love to him.   I'll never hear his voice or see his number on my cell.  I won't hear how his day is or what his son did that day.  It's over and my heart is breaking, it's already broken.

There's a lot of guys I'll never see again. People who once meant so much to me, that I thought about 24/7, made love too, kissed their lips and cared for their happiness.  It's all down the drain now.  So many people that I will never see again that I'm beginning to wonder why even bother trying anymore.  They have moved on to other girls and I'm in their past now, forgotten about, thrown away.  I'll be the girl they tell the new girl about how I was a b*tch or needy.  Then it will stop and I'll be forgotten again.  My heart can't take it anymore.  I want to be in a relationship but all the guys I meet never work out.  

Part of the problem is no one is ever truthful, maybe because they are afraid they will hurt me.  But I would rather be hurt than just wonder what happened.   I know I hold back too, I"m not perfect.  I don't let guys in sometimes, share my own thoughts or feelings.  I used to give one guy cute romantic cards but I never signed them.  Love to me is real word I wouldn't use it if I wasn't ready.  I know I pushed some people away.  Even my soldier boy, he told me to keep in touch, to call him, but I never did.  Now it's too late.

I hate that I'm always a day late and a dollar short.  Who am I going to meet that will mean something to me, stir my stomach, make my heart jump?  I don't see that happening again.  Even if it did, he probably wouldn't want me or I would ruin it somehow.  I don't think I could go through another heartbreak.  I just don't think I could do that again.

Maybe I'll just become a lesbian and get a bunch of cats.  

Thanks ladies for commenting on my post. Everything you girls said made sense.  I just needed to get my sadness out.
God Bless You All!


Blank
640829_tn?1230999660
I think he is using the dating sites and myspace as his own nightclub scene, if you get my meaning. It's all free and lots of chicks at the ready for him. Just the fact he is on Multiple dating sites, is a red flag to me. But he pushed the booze and getting it on with you before he left, he probably knew you were well into and would go all out for him.
Maybe he left because he felt bad because you really like him.. and he was feeling like a sh.it with you.
I think you'd be better off obsessing about a more emotionally available man, one who isn't trying to score with lots of women..It seems you are now investing your obsession with him further out onto women who he talks to also.
Think of all the time you devote to him?
Now think if hed give you equal amount of time and thought?
If the answer is , no. And it should be... finding another guy to have a solid relationship with would be so much better for you, I think.
Hope you get over this guy, you deserve much better.
Blank
145992_tn?1341348674
In order to stop choosing the same type of man you need to look at yourself and understand why you pick the same guy.  The one who isn't emotional available.  The one who is a player.  The one who cares less for you then you do for them.  It sounds to me like this is a repeat pattern of yours.  There are reasons why they are past relationships.  They didn't work out, to obsess about the relationships and where they went wrong is not going to help you.  You need to make changes in your life and move towards a different type of man.  You have very low self-esteem and trust me, these men see this.  Men like women that are self confident, that are a challenge, they are turned off by self loathing women.  So you need to build yourself up first and then the right man will come along.  When it's right, you will know it.  It won't be so hard.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
You're so right, all of you.  You know what is really strange is that he did call me 3 times from Missouri (where he lives now).  We talked for a long time but mostly about him.  He never really asked about me except to say "Are you married yet?" What did he mean by that?  Was it just a joke?  BTW,  I never called him.  

I was doing alright until I found out he had gone to Kosovo and then I got really jealous.  Even seeing the women on his myspace and his being on 3 different dating sites just kind of made me realize and somewhat except that he didn't want a relationship with me.  But when I found out he was going to Kosovo and travelling, I got jealous.  Very jealous. And I had never gotten over his leaving so coldly and heartlessly.  In my mind, I still want to believe that he is good person and wasnt' a mistake that I made.

Not really sure if I am making sense or just confusing all of you.  I do need to date more but there's not a lot of single people in Raleigh.  Plus after 40 most people are married.

Thanks all for helping me through this.  You're sweet ladies!
Blank
145992_tn?1341348674
Don't look at him as a mistake or a regret.  Look at it as a life experience or a life lesson.  From now on try to date men but look for more then what's on the outside, get to know them and get to like them before you become intimate with them.  Everyone loves a good looking guy but looks will change as they age.  You need someone who has some substance to them.  He will probably jump from girl to girl without any real connection with any of them.  He's the one who's the sad one here, not you.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Yeah you're right.  Even my therapist said that he is a very lonely, insecure man.  And the fact that he never asked me about my life, only talked about him, proves that he has no consideratioin for other people.  His first wife cheated on him and then left him, never to speak to him again.  His "soul mate" broke up with him because she didn't think they were right for each other.

I just got to say one more thing.  He's a sergeant in the Army in Kovoso.  He has power and that really turns me on.  Before, when he is was living in MO, working at this dinky little job, living in the country with cows, he wasn't that interesting to me.  I know I could never live like that since I'm more of a people girl - need to be close to cities.  Now all of a sudden he seems powerful and interesting to me.  It's very strange.




Blank
145992_tn?1341348674
I think you know what your issues are.  I'm glad you are seeking therapy.  I think you like a challenge, I think you like going for men that are unavailable because it gives you a rush.  This is unfufilling in the long run, you will wind up unhappy and starved for real affection if you continue down this road.  You said you are in your 40's, this is not the behavior of a 40 year old, more like someone in their 20's.  Continue with therapy, you will learn a lot about yourself and hopefully you will be able to change yourself for the better.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Yeah, therapy is helping me understand part of what is going on.  What happens is that I like the chase, the prize but but then I start to feel insecure and not good enough so I back away and retreat into a shell.  I don't give too much in a relationship.  I also pick guy that have red flags written all over them.  Guys that don't treat me with respect so I try to earn their respect.  I enjoy the challenge but deep down I believe that I'm not worthy of someone treating me good. It's a lot of work but "talking" to you all has helped me see that I am good and worthy of a good man.  Next time, I'm going to take longer before I start a relationship.
Blank
145992_tn?1341348674
I'm glad you got a lot from posting.  We have all been there.  I used to be the same way, again I was in my 20's.  After a few relationships like this and realizing I didn't want to be in such a difficult relationship, I changed and made sure I chose a man that wanted to have a relationship also.  Not that mine is all that good.  If you read my journals you can see what I mean.  But I don't tolerate being treated badly.  I know I don't deserve it and should get respect.  You need to demand that in your next relationship.  If the man is unwilling, let go and don't obsess over it, just move on.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
You know, it's the leaving and not obsessing and moving on that I know to be true but it's so hard to do.  I think this is why people stay in bad relationships.  It's like I know this guy is wrong for me - different backgrounds and cultures yet I can't get it through my thick brain.  Somehow he knew that I liked him enough that he kept me on a string.  He may not have realized that I liked the attention or the challenge but he knew how to pull my strings.  He "knew" something was up and maybe it fed his ego. It feeds his ego to have all these women after him.

You know we all make mistakes and sometimes it's just timing but I got to get to the point where I believe deep down in my soul that I am good and worthy of a healthy relationship.

Mami, can I suggest that you become a therapist?  You would be very good at it!

Blank
145992_tn?1341348674
Thanks, I actually studied psychology and graduated with a BA in it.  However, I never went forward with it.  I love it.  My therapist says I would be a good one to.  I'm in couples counseling and frankly I think it's the best thing.  

Most men like their egos stroked.  But if you find a mature man, that won't be what's important to him.  It does take time and you're right, leaving a relationship that isn't good for you can be tough.  I admire a lot of people who have the strength to do it.  It is also the fear of being alone.
Blank
145992_tn?1341348674
Well apparently I wasn't good at it since my fiance had cheated on me....lol.  I think his wh*re, well that's what I call her, made him feel wanted and would listen to his problems and basically bend over backwards for him.  She payed attention to him.  Something I couldn't do because I was taking care of his child.  He felt neglected because I wasn't giving him what I used to.  She made him feel special and probably would compliment him constantly.  I think it's important to do in a relationship but if the man is mature enough then they would communicate this to their significant other rather than cheat.  Obviously I am dealing with a low level of maturity in my fiance.  But with that being said, it can't be one sided.  You are just as important as he is.  You need to have attention and affection as well.  A relationship is not 50/50 like some think, it should be 100/100.  Both giving it your all and being able to prepare for a life changing event like a new child and not give up on each other.  These are true quality relationships.
Blank
632285_tn?1252641988
Catie, I know what you mean about being together so long. I mean what new things can you say about someone that you haven't said already? Even so, it's nice to hear it again. It doesn't have to be something about him personally, but also about what he does to help out. how he provides for the family and how much that means to you. Sometimes you have to be creative.
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
469720_tn?1388149949
Blank
Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm-treatable... Blank
Oct 04 by Lee Kirksey, MDBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
The 3 Essentials to Ending Emotiona...
Sep 18 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
1268057_tn?1419171505
Blank
Londres70
France
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA
3149845_tn?1415046551
Blank
Life360
fort lauderdale, FL
8976007_tn?1413334250
Blank
Jinx_777