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Left husband because of bathroom
I was married for 25 years. My husband makes a very good living but he is also very tight with the money. I have always been supportive of his saving for our retirement but I took a stand when he refused to build a second bathroom on our one bathroom house. We only have one small one now and often I'll be in the shower while one of my two sons are using the toilet. I have begged him for a second bath but he refuses. Am I wrong to leave because of this? I feel he does not respect me at all. It is so little to ask.
Not everyone can afford an education or gets the opportunity. It just isn't true that we are all "equal". A lot of it is luck, timing, meeting the right people, where you live, home life, having parents or family that will support you. There are lot of bright people who never went to college b/c they could not afford it or find a way to do it. It just happens and it happens a lot.
I'm a college grad but only b/c I forced my way into a college and wouldn't give up. Many people thought I would never finish but I did with a B average while working a full time job and going through a divorce. But I was lucky enough to live near a great university in CT and find people who helped me get loans. My ex kept trying to discourage me, which only made me want to graduate even more. I did it out of spite.
Certain teachers along the way encouraged me, which helped a lot. I was older than the normal student so the ones that discouraged me, made me want to work harder just to p*ss them off. There is something to be said about being an older student. We don't take sh*t b/c we know we don't really have to.
I'm a college grad but only b/c I forced my way into a college and wouldn't give up. Many people thought I would never finish but I did with a B average while working a full time job and going through a divorce. But I was lucky enough to live near a great university in CT and find people who helped me get loans. My ex kept trying to discourage me, which only made me want to graduate even more. I did it out of spite.
Certain teachers along the way encouraged me, which helped a lot. I was older than the normal student so the ones that discouraged me, made me want to work harder just to p*ss them off. There is something to be said about being an older student. We don't take sh*t b/c we know we don't really have to.
Thank you so much. My logic tells me I have made the right decision for me. My heart still hurts but I know with time this will ease up. Someone told me recently that love is an action word. If someone loves you, you will know it by the way they demonstrate love to you...in their actions. Otherwise, it is just a feeling, like many other nebulous feelings we have. I believe this will become my measure in the future, not only for others but for myself also.
I think I am on my way to a better life.
I think I am on my way to a better life.
Sorry folks, I cannot spell this month, and Opera is not compatible with my spell check.
Men and women both make their choices and your paralells are as I have come to expect asinine as both men and women get abused, beaten and it's usually the men who have in the past not reported it but you should go read the CDC stats regarding DV. Regardin pay? Women make the same amount of men when they are in the same type of jobs and work the same amount of hours.
I know a lady who self taught herself computer programming and now has no certification but has a comfortable job, now, in texas. I know a backyard mechanic, who is as redneck as they come who taught himself out of old engineering books to become one of the best "backyard mechanics" I know.
You are mistaking education as something that can only be bequeathed by others and thought that is the most commonly accepted way is not the only way. If I see someon who is my age and scrubbing toilets at walmart for thirty years chances are they are in fact a loser by choice. If it is a recent event maybe it is a recent downturn, a second job, supplementing their retirement etc. but their are in fact certain entry level jobs that if you stay their and do not seek to better yourself instead of watching tv when your tired put yourself in a loser category.
Really though why would you take advise on changing or bettering your own life from someone who has never tried to change or better their own?
And really in this day and age if you have five kids chances are you have been to lazy to read the wrapper on a birth control packet and that too was a bad choice with a VERY low learning curve. And would actually seem to indicate that they have no common sense so why would you take advise from them?
I know a lady who self taught herself computer programming and now has no certification but has a comfortable job, now, in texas. I know a backyard mechanic, who is as redneck as they come who taught himself out of old engineering books to become one of the best "backyard mechanics" I know.
You are mistaking education as something that can only be bequeathed by others and thought that is the most commonly accepted way is not the only way. If I see someon who is my age and scrubbing toilets at walmart for thirty years chances are they are in fact a loser by choice. If it is a recent event maybe it is a recent downturn, a second job, supplementing their retirement etc. but their are in fact certain entry level jobs that if you stay their and do not seek to better yourself instead of watching tv when your tired put yourself in a loser category.
Really though why would you take advise on changing or bettering your own life from someone who has never tried to change or better their own?
And really in this day and age if you have five kids chances are you have been to lazy to read the wrapper on a birth control packet and that too was a bad choice with a VERY low learning curve. And would actually seem to indicate that they have no common sense so why would you take advise from them?
What about the 16 year old who watches their mother get beat night after night after night for the last 7 years of her life. What about that girl whose mother finally gets enough courage to leave the S O B. The same girl gets a choice, you can either continue school and we will go back to the S O B or you can quit, get a job and we can live on our own because your mother can't make enough money waitressing to support herself and 5 kids. Does that 16 year old have the same opportunity at an education? Or, should she run away, live in the gutters and go to school. What would YOU do at 16 and given the same two choices?
Yes, you are very wrong to leave because of this. You left a 25 year marriage over a bathroom. Think about that in your head. There is a lot more than that that my parents went through in their 21 year marriage and they are only getting a divorce now. My dad didn't do a lot of things like that, but my mom just dealt with it. However, one day she just couldn't take all the s*** anymore and left. Anyways, yes, I think you were wrong for leaving over that. Sorry if that sounded rude, but it's only the truth and my opinion.
Well, if he went out and got a mustang and all you wanted was a ring and a bathroom, I see your point. So, it is not about a bathroom, it is about his lack of respect for your needs and wishes, putting his above you. That I understand. That would also change the advice given. My heart goes out to you, however there has to be a better way rather than throw your life away. 25 years is a long time and by leaving you stand more to lose than gain out of it. At least from my view. That however may not be yours. Just think it thru, whatever you decide to do. I hope he sees the error of his way, but getting that car! You are right! It certainly would feel like a slap in the face.
Sometimes it takes coming to complete strangers to get out the emotions we've been hiding beneath the surface in our everyday lives, so I completely understand what you're saying right now. I only hope that everything gets better for you, and that you continue to post here on the forums and try and work through this with whoever you need to.
Thanks for your insight. This has been a long journey. Much of what has occurred was perolating beneath the surface and the bathroom became the focus for me for many reasons. I guess I need to add that the site has helped me tremendously clarify how I have felt about my situation. That clarity was needed because I've been so emotionally screwed up lately. I do appreciate the comments.
This is where I figured the thread would end up... There's always more to the story. It sounds to me like there are other underlying issues at hand that you and your husband had going on other than a bathroom. The reason why everyone posted the way in which you did was the title and how you made it out to sound in your original post; And that was, that you left your husband...over a bathroom.
Look I have tried for many many years. The money we have saved has gone into retirement funds which means if you close them you take a huge hit. The childrens education has gone into an ohio savings account meant for education. The bathroom was the culmination of many years of frustration over our quality of life. My husband has managed the money for years. I was going to go out and charge a wedding ring but he started arguing about the expense and I just said forget it. The ring I wanted was by a local artist and would have cost 500. I didn't think it was too much but he did. I go to school and will graduate soon and then I will work and do most of the things that others have suggested. It isn't really about the money, It is about his insistance that we live his way. I guess the bathroom issue was the breaking point for me. You just, in my view, don't go out and charge a bathroom if your husband is uncooperative. I admit I should have dealt with this years ago,but I didn't. I have allowed him to call the shots and I always supported his decisions once made. This time I didn't and it caused a major fracture. So should I back down instead and say OK no bathroom. Considering my meager wants I guess I decided not to. I don't think it was the smartest move but would you let your wife walk away because you have decided she shouldn't have a say in this. When I left he went out and bought a 4000 Mustang, canary yellow. To me at least that was a slap in the face. I know that most of the readers disagree with my choices and they have given me much food for thought. I do believe by the way that all people have valid ways of considering these issues in life and I appreciate their views no matter what there station is in life.
jo! LOL, yeah, ours was right next to the woods too and I remember having visions of the headless horsemen in there at night! OMG! lol
peaceinknowing, kudos to you. Absolutely should be 100% on both parts!
To the original poster: Where there is a will there is a way, my hubby learned a long time ago, I do not take no for an answer. lol We women have our ways!
peaceinknowing, kudos to you. Absolutely should be 100% on both parts!
To the original poster: Where there is a will there is a way, my hubby learned a long time ago, I do not take no for an answer. lol We women have our ways!
I think you have some amazing points in your post here; But I've always been the type of person who says a relationship between two people should never be a 50/50 thing but instead a 100/100 sort of thing on each end.
hey
I thought i was the only one left that had to use those out houses. boy did i hate it in cold weather, one had to have their mind made up what they were going to do before they started, ours was quite a distance sure glad things have changed jo
I thought i was the only one left that had to use those out houses. boy did i hate it in cold weather, one had to have their mind made up what they were going to do before they started, ours was quite a distance sure glad things have changed jo
Is it just me, or is anyone else confused by these posts right now?
First you said that there is over 3 million dollars that you're worth, but don't even have money for a wedding band for you at the age of 55 years old. Then you go on to say that your childrens' college education is well taken care of because of the money. How is this possible?
I feel your pain, and I am sorry that you felt it necessary to leave a man who has stood by you for so many years over a bathroom not being built. He is only looking out for what has apparently worked for all these years. Don't view my words as an attack, though. I'm merely giving you the opinion in which you've asked for here. I think it's safe to say that 99% of the members here agree with me, though.
First you said that there is over 3 million dollars that you're worth, but don't even have money for a wedding band for you at the age of 55 years old. Then you go on to say that your childrens' college education is well taken care of because of the money. How is this possible?
I feel your pain, and I am sorry that you felt it necessary to leave a man who has stood by you for so many years over a bathroom not being built. He is only looking out for what has apparently worked for all these years. Don't view my words as an attack, though. I'm merely giving you the opinion in which you've asked for here. I think it's safe to say that 99% of the members here agree with me, though.
So, you ring up a contractor and sign on the dotted line. Let the work begin. Are you not 50 percent of the relationship? Altho, when I was growing up, all we had was a two seated outhouse, and let me tell you, it was no fun going to sit in the middle of the night in dead winter! Look at it this way, you will not have to worry when you get old and by then the kids will have flown the coop. So it will get better with time! Trust me, you do not want to be single in this day and age. I vote for hanging in unless of course there is more to it than meets the eye? I dont even own a pot! I rent one.. lol
Honestly? Everyone has a chance at education, like everything else you do it depends on the choices you make and what you do to get it? Personally I've done everything from combat arms (11B), dig septic tanks, plumbing, some electrical work, meat packing, research whatever I needed to do at the time.
Honestly if common sense were that common people would never be held back, but common sense is the very rarest of commodites.
Honestly if common sense were that common people would never be held back, but common sense is the very rarest of commodites.
A lot of people with low paying jobs like cleaning toilets at wallmarts may not have had the chance for an education, that does not mean they are dumb, there are lots of poor smart people in the world who have common sense, they still have a right to an opinion Mayflowers I like your post and Collette i wish you luck with whatever you decide jo
We all have a right to our opinions. That's what people are asking for on here. What's that saying? You get what you pay for? And this IS free.
Maybe the crack mom married 5 times really does know what she is talking about and can give good advice. I find people who are "experienced" in life can give really good advice, as long as they aren't bitter, mean and vindictive people.
However, you all have some good points that I wasn't thinking about. She's put up with this for a long time and now decides it's annoying and wants to leave over not having her own bathroom? There's probably a lot more going on here (or it could be a fake post). Oh well, life goes on one way or another.
I hope the poster's life gets better soon.
Maybe the crack mom married 5 times really does know what she is talking about and can give good advice. I find people who are "experienced" in life can give really good advice, as long as they aren't bitter, mean and vindictive people.
However, you all have some good points that I wasn't thinking about. She's put up with this for a long time and now decides it's annoying and wants to leave over not having her own bathroom? There's probably a lot more going on here (or it could be a fake post). Oh well, life goes on one way or another.
I hope the poster's life gets better soon.
You have been married to this guy for 25 years, you let him control everything for 25 years, and you expect him to change NOW? Girl you should've put your foot down LONG AGO! He can only get away with what you let him. Don't get me wrong, I can certainly sympathize. I just wonder what took so long? Would you easily be able to change something after doing for a quarter of a century?? A lot of men in general don't tolerate change too well. Look at how often we read on MH that a girl is complaining about wanting to "fix" her man, and our response? "You can't change him"
I sincerely hope you two can resolve your differences and come to a happy medium. I hate to see 25 years go down the drain.
I sincerely hope you two can resolve your differences and come to a happy medium. I hate to see 25 years go down the drain.
I agree somewhat with Serious Sam, I think you need to try and work through your issues. I do agree that your husband has controlled the money and you have allowed it and are feeling like you missed out on somewhat of a life and want it now. But you can't just give up on a 25 year marriage now. You have 2 kids with this man, you owe it to the relationship to work through the issues. If he refuses to try and doesn't see any problems with your relationship then I can understand wanting to move on. But I suggest first getting a job yourself. Maybe if you did that and bought your own things and took your own vacations that you paid for with money you earned, you may feel a bit more fulfilled. Don't sit and wait for him to do these things for you. Your kids are old enough now that they don't need you to be home for them.
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