Left my husband 6 weks ago, want to work things out but he now has a girlfriend living with him

[AMS9168]

6 week ago I went through a complete breakdown. I left my husband and family and moved out of state. And moved in with my High School Boyfrend of 23 years ago. to get clarification and therapy on why I lost it. I moved back and moved in with my mom because my husband is living with another women. We still love each other very much and I want to work things out with him. He still loves me, but doesnt know if he can ever rebuild our relationshp, and on top of that he doesnt want to hurt this girls feelings because she have been there for him during my absence. We were together almost 11 years. How can we ever  try to work things out  if he continues to nurture that relationship. We have had discussions about this and It keeps coming back to the fact that he doesnt know if he is willing to take that chance with his wife of 11 years or take a chance with someone he has been dating for 3 weeks who has completely encroached his life and taken over everthing. We have only been apart for 6 weeks. I realize I was the one that left and I was the one that caused all the hurt and pain he has been going through. Shouldnt this be an easier decision for him to at least ask the 3 week girlfriend to step aside and let us talk this through. I dont know if I should keep trying to be involved with him or just move on and work on my relationships with our children and myself. He doesnt love her. He cares about her, and because of all the pain she has endured in her last 3 relationships he doesnt want to hurt her. Im so frustrated and confused. I guess I ghought I would be more important to him based on our history. Can he forgive me and try to works things out? Or is a better question Is he willing to. At this point he is not willing to until he figures some things out. How do I deal with that. All the time he spends with her they are going to continue to get closer and he will get furthur away from wanting to be with me. Should I just say Ok it is what it is and we need to complete the divorce or do I contest it and continueto try to have him be a part of my life and make the commitment to at least be willing to work this out....Are they any group out there for support in this area?

[Judy246]

You left him and your children, moved back with your ex as therapy and now you repent and want your husband back?  And your husband met someone and is living with her, all this within a 6 week period?  What a mess and disfunctional relationship. You need counceling to figure out what is the real problem. If he has met someone that is kind, loving considerate and it's a new opportunity to began fresh, why would he want to go back to a troubled relationship. It's his decision and whatever he decides, you need to respect and step out if necessary. Good luck...Judy

[Amanda123444]

I can definitely help in this....your husband may love but his trust in you is gone...you need to rebuild that... First remember the reasons  for you separation, you inner issues are the first thing you should be focusing on......... Then try dating other people and see if he is jealous.......... If he is, then talk to his girlfriend politely about your issues..........tell her that you had issues and depressed mental state which brought your marriage to the rock..... If she agrees good, but if not, then tell her that you will do anything to get your husband back........ Your husband needs to see that confidence and willingness and should be present during this conversation with her ...........

[andypandy34]

Hi I left my husband five months ago after 12 years of marriage we have two beautiful girls whom we both love dearly.  Things in our marriage over the last few years seemed to crumble, we never had time for each other or ourselves.  I honestly thought the grass would be greener, we have remained friends and have shared custody of the girls but the longer times goes on the more my heart aches to have him back in my life.  I am now at the point of like you not sleeping, carnt eat and struggle to function, but I get up every morning take my girls to school and go to work!  Its very very hard.  I thought that my hub was take me back as he was devistated when we left but he has now grown stronger than I and doesnt want me back :(     I miss him and the family so much.

I hope you find what you are looking for in life and people shouldnt judge you by what has happened and your mistakes.  Keep trying and if it happens work hard at keeping your marraige together.  If it doesnt work go for counselling (waiting for my appointment) and pick yourself up and be a good parent to your children, yes it hurts and I know how you feel totally hun.  I have not got any parents to give me support I have good friends but have their own lives, hope you have loads of support.

Take Care and Be Happy xxx

[vmvnpv]

You left him to live with you high school bf?  And he moved a gf in while you were gone?  All in a matter of 6 weeks?  Someone, if not both of you, has been cheating.  This is an extremely immature and dysfunctional relationship.  I'm not even sure counseling will help.  Both of you have a lot of growing up and maturing to do if this marriage even stands a chance.  I feel really bad for your kids.  What an awful situation for them to be in.  Shame on you both!

[imanaddict]

Wow! What a situation to be in! I'm going to give you my honest and humble opinion. I think it could be too late. Things have gone too far, and if your husband is saying he doesn't want to "hurt" this girlfriend, well, he chose her over you. If there was anything left to salvage, and he felt the same way you do, he would've dropped this girl like a hot plate. He didn't do that. I, too, feel for your children. Where are they now? With him? Do you have any plans on getting them back?

Just like the others said, some counseling probably wouldn't hurt. And if you two DO get back together, couples counseling will probably be in the cards if it is expected to work out. With something like this, the odds are against you and you broke a serious trust that is really really hard to get back. If the situation were reversed, how forgiving would YOU be?

[mami1323]

Yikes, well sounds like you both were playing around on eachother.  I can guarantee you that the relationship he had with this girl was for longer than 3 weeks.  No one moves someone in that quickly, so you have to assume they had been building a relationship prior to you leaving.  But not that it mattered to you much since you were off doing your own thing with your ex-boyfriend.  I feel the most for your children.  The both of you are behaving like teenagers.  Not using your heads in your decisions and how your actions will affect others, especially your children.  Great role models you both are for them.  Get ready for them to lead their own seriously dysfunctional relationships because they have no sense of stability and what real love is all about.  Your husband is not interested in going back to you, he will play you both like ping pong balls, back and forth until he decides what he wants to do.  I say, give up on this relationship.  It obviously wasn't good to begin with or else neither one of you would have strayed.  

[waringblender]

I have to agree with the others. I'd go ahead and end the relationship and pick up the pieces of your life with a therapist. Figure out what's going on with you in your relationships.

[heatherlynn22]

i would never expect my husband to take me back if i abandoned him and our children to move out of state to live with another man as "therapy". then for him to have another woman move in after 3 weeks....dysfunctional is not the word. perhaps divorce is good for the 2 of you and therapy for the kids.

[teko]

Sounds like you guys are not going to work. You cannot, do not, get involved with someone else, when you are "IN LOVE".  I dont know what you guys have between you, but seriously, it is not love. Lose each other and move on, it has already gone too far to turn back the clock.