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Letting Go of My First Love
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Letting Go of My First Love

My first love and I spoke for the first time in over 20 years, a few months ago.  He was upset to find out I married someone else.  He said I should have tried to find him before I got married.  He has always wondered what happened to me.  He is very attractive and has been dating someone for the past 3 months, but he says the relationship is not serious.  Yet, the person he is dating wants to marry him.  I am married with a child, but due to many diagreements and arguments would like to divorce.  My first love and I met when we were in our early teens, about 13.  We never got a chance to date as we got older due to living in different states and then going off to college, which is where I met my husband.  We were never intimate, but there has always been an attraction since we met.  We would see each other in the summers when I went to visit my family.  We also wrote letters to each other from the age of 13 to 19 or 20.  I saw him for the first time in 20 years about a month ago & the attraction was still there.  Again, nothing happened between us due to our circumstances. I have expressed to my first love that I am getting a divorce and I would like to finally have a "real" relationship with him.  He was ecstatic.  However, lately, I feel that he does not believe me.  He states he is not happy with his girlfriend and he is still attracted to me and still loves me.  Sometimes, he says he is going to call me back but he does not.  It seems as though I am the one who is always calling him and expressing my true emotions.  He tells me he loves me and I believe him.  He tells me he does not want to disrespect the institution of marriage and I believe this is why he does not call me as much.  I am confused as to whether I should stop talking to him until after I am divorced or to continue letting him know I as still interested.  I guess I am afraid of losing touch with him forever.  I want to make the right decision this time.  I believe everyone has a soulmate and I believe he is the guy for me.  I can't seem to stop thinking about him.  Any advice would be most appreciated.  
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184674_tn?1360864093
Just out of curiosity, you say you're currently married and have a child. So--how long have you been married and how old is your child? You want a divorce solely based on "many disagreements and arguments?"
This may not be what you want to read, but with all do respect, you married someone, meaning you made a vow to spend the rest of your life with him, for better or worse. I don't know the reasons for disagreements and arguments (that's the only marital interaction info you give), but if the man isn't abusing you or your child and is helping to provide for the family and is a good father, is your marriage not worth saving? Or even trying to save? There is such a thing called marriage counseling. And divorce is SO difficult for children, no matter what their age. Do you think your child is going to readily accept your "first love" as his/her stepdad right from the get-go, just because he is who you believe to be your "soulmate?"
Again, I'm going completely by the information you've offered here. But it sounds to me like your stuck in a fantasy world of just you and the notion of a "real relationship" with your first love. The reality is that there are other people involved, including your child.
In my opinion, this is not something you should pursue. You should drop it now and focus on reality. Try to get your marriage on track if it's worthy of being saved. Divorce is such a horrible thing and very painful to go through. And when a child is involved, the pain and heartache is even worse--*especially* when you will want to move on in the dating realm. Most children don't take too well to that, and understandably so.
Please think this through and be rational. This "first love" is nothing but a memory of your past, and it should stay that way. You've both moved on with your lives. Now is not the time to try to go back and attempt to relive what you think you missed out on. Leave the past in the past and focus on what's going on right now, and how the "right now" is going to end up in the future.
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173939_tn?1333221450
In addition to AJH and teko`s words it strikes me as odd that he would be upset that you married someone else within the time span of twenty years. Twenty. And then to suggest you should have searched for him first before you got married...nice joke. He could have done his part to maintain the contact, or not? It really sounds to me like you should not take his words literally. Some guys like to flatter and pull a woman`s emotional strings. They just love to swirl around unavailable or only semi-available women or keep themselves in semi-committed state. Once you become fully available and single though, they run for the hills. Not that I want to diminish your hopes and wishes but be prepared. With a young child involved, there is no room to gamble. Well, maybe you are both hopeless romantics and there will be a time for you one day, but don`t let any of this interfere with your decisions regarding your marriage.
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332074_tn?1229564125
I must admit I see all kind of warning signs in your post. Such as him telling you you should have contacted him before you got married, the fact that he is in a relationship but still wants you, and the big factor that you are married with a child, yet you did not say you were already seperated from your husband but are getting ready to divorce him. I truely think that you are not ready for a relationship with him or anyone else until you have work through the issues of your marriage. I firmly believe that you need to work yourself out of a marriage the same as you worked yourself into it. With a child involved it is even more important that you do things the right way to avoid putting your child in the middle of an adult problem.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm sorry, but I made a mistake in my first post.  I met my first love 20 years ago.  The last time I spoke to him before this year was about 13 years ago, not 20.  To answer your question, I have been married for 7 1/2 years and my daughter is 7 years old.  I have heard of the "7 year itch", which may be what I am experiencing.  I have asked my husband to go to marriage counseling, but unfortunately he has too much pride.  I was thinking about making an appointment with a marriage counselor and dragging him there.  Our arguments are mainly about finances.  I told him we need a financial advisor and he simply stated he does not want anyone knowing his personal business.  Meanwhile, we have almost lost our house twice due to poor decision making skills with managing money.  We both work, and since we have been married he is in charge of paying bills, including the mortgage.  Yes, I have offered to take the responsibility of managing the bills, but he wants to continue with it. And yes, he is a good father and he wants the best for his family, even if it means being late on the mortgage just to plan a nice vacation or buy a new vehicle.  This is insane!  Our mortgage has gone up an extra $1,000 within a 2 year period, due to the programs that help you out of foreclosure & the fees that come along with it.  We have owned our home about 4 1/2 years. Just recently one of our vehicles was almost reposessed.  My husband was late on a few payments and he started hiding the vehicle at other family member's houses.  A week later a check for our car insurance bounced which caused a lapse in coverage.  That was a disaster trying to fix that problem.  Another thing, that has pissed me off is this. My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer about 2 weeks ago.  My parents live about 10 hours away from me.  So, I could not go home for Christmas, so I decided to go for New Year's.  Since I have been with my husband, we have celebrated the New Year together.  For some reason my husband does not want to go with me.  I offered to drive and he still says no. So, I am driving with my daughter.  It just seems like the teamwork we had in the beginning is gone.  I have only given you a few examples of what has been happening. It's embarassing!!  Everything I am telling you, I have told my husband(except about the first love).  Sometimes, I feel so depressed, but I can't stay down because I don't want my daughter to see me in a depressed state.  I have to be strong for her, because I want her to have a normal life.  I know that she does not need to see my husband and I arguing and I try not to argue in front of her.  I am willing to work on and save my marriage, but it takes two.  He also has to want to save it.  I realize everyone has there ups and downs and that's why I am trying to hang in there.  I work to hard for my money to be mismanaged.  As far as the first love is concerned, I guess the grass was looking greener on the other side.  I know that's not always true either.  Everyone has some type of drama going on in their life.  This guy has a great career, owns his own home and seems to be a "good catch" for some available female.  I know nobody's perfect and he is not an exception.  So, I am going to work on my marriage.  As you know, sometimes we can say hurtful things to one another.  Although it's not physical abuse, there is  a such thing as verbal abuse, which is still not a good thing.  Well, thanks for listening to me vent & thanks for the advice.

To everyone who gave me advice, thank you.  I really appreciate it
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi!

I read your post and just want to tell you to hang in there. I am in the same boat and I have three children. I have been seeing a therapist and I have tried getting my husband to go but he keeps "forgettin". His behavior is very similar to your husband.
My soulmate from the past is going through the sae pain but is staying in his marriage because he is in the service industry and it would destroy his life, carrier and everything he worked hard for.  He lives in a small comminity so texting him is even hard. It eats me alive not being with him, but he asked me to be strong for both of us. I don't know what this means because I have trust issues, but for men respect is everything. As much as it *****, I am honoring his request. I break down every so often and i let him know. He seems to understand.  I'm selfish, but I don't want him to lose everything he worked hard for. He doesn't deserve it. It doesn't mean it's right. I'm sure he is suffering, but men have an easier time dealing with it then we females. We are emotionally much more attached. When I break down, I send him a note wishing him well without making him feel guilty. If we are meant to be we will.
Wuth my husband, I am working through the marriage the best I can. He has the same qualities your husband has, but my husband is VERY stubborn and a manipulator. I learned this about him now.
Maybe you can look into dealing with manipulators. They are honest people, believe it or not.
Once I understood that aspect of him, I keep my distance and I don't play games with him anymore. Divorce is terrible. Remember that men won't do it until we push them to divorce, which makes me understand my situation. And he's always telling me that I understand. My soulmate and I were intimate. Twice. I just had to be sure.  It's a terrible feeling because I feel like an adulterous, but I had to know and I don't regret that part of my experience.
Like the workforce, when women do the same as men, they are LABELED this or that and men are not. That's what makes us feel bad.
Pray to your being or "God" and listen to your inner voice and do protect that child of yours!!!!!!!! I am doing things to better myself when it gets rough. I am learning to embrace my faults and weaknesses and every so often I think of him and cry, but the tears help me to believe that these feelings belong to me. Good or bad. They are mine.

Believe you are amazing.

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Avatar_n_tn
It's been almost a year, so don't know if you're still checking this post but I am going through a very similiar situation with my first love. I wish there was an answer to this confusion. But I've decided that I am staying commited to my wonderful husband and kids. They are everything to me and I would rather hurt myself emotionally then to hurt them. Stay strong..you'll get through it.
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