Long Term Relationships & Sex Life - What's Normal?
My 36 year old boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years... He is smart and funny and can be very sweet. He is the youngest of 5 children, his parents divorced when he was 8 and his family is close but not affectionate. His mother worked two to three jobs and so all of the children are very driven financially - not a bad thing. He was also raised religiously and so there have been times in our relationship where sex before marriage has come up.
We get along great, are best friends who can talk to each other about everything and often do... I have even mentioned that he should go out with friends (he doesn't have many here since he is not from this area but has been here 6 years) and talk to them about some of the things he talks to me about repeatedly.
We started off as friends for a few months and then he kissed me... I didn't know he liked me that way and honestly I think we were both surprised. After initially thinking we weren't ready for a relationship we just grew in our love and were very sexually active at the onset of our relationship.
He was in an accident two and a half years ago that left him with some internal bleeding and he has gained weight (we both have - about 30 lbs each) and while I am still attracted to him and he says he is with me our sex life has dwindled. I have tried talking to him about it and he says he is stressed and tired and I believe him but he does seem interested in sex (I have seen him visit adult sites on his computer.) We don't make out, don't kiss passionately and I miss those things with him. My past relationships have always been more based on sex than anything else so he is a positive change but I am 33 and enjoy sexual activity with my boyfriend despite at times him being very lazy in our love-making.
As I said before - other than our sex life we have a good relationship. He is good to my friends and family and I love his family like my own already - they have all accepted me and think of me as one of their own. We enjoy helping each other - he with my car and other things as needed, me with making sure his appointments are made for his to get checked or around his house. He loves my daughter and our cat.
One last thing - he does contract work and doesn't have any job stability... which at times I think works for him since the longer he stays at a job the less he seems to like it. He is also pursuing his dream on the side but this I know is an issue regarding why we aren't married yet. He is very old fashioned and want stability to offer before we take that step. He knows I would say "yes" were he to ask me but I think this at times adds to his stress since I know (from family members) he thinks about asking me.
Sex is important in relationships... but how much? What is normal? Do couples ever just go through "phases" like this and then "phases" where things are more active sexually or should I just give up and be happy with what I have which is a brilliant man who is spiritual, honest, reliable and my best friend?
sex is very important in a relationship it is a form of communication in my eyes... it expresses how you feel for one another. it may not always be the best sex but that is normal.. all i can say is communicate with him how you are feeling.. communication is the key in all relationships.. talk to him as he can not read your mind so he doesnt always know how you feel... take care
I was in a 5 year relationship and our primary connection with one another was sex. After being married now for well over 12 years I look back on that relationship and think that was all we really had in common at the time. It made up for arguments, it made up for the lack of love. Sex does not equal love. So maybe that is a good start to ask yourself what does love mean to you in the long term?
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