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Long story but need help, please.
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Long story but need help, please.

Hi I was dating a girl for 5 years, after 1 or 2 years we fall in love, at least she said that too me 1000 times. I really love her. We always have problems because she always forgets to answer her phone and I was thinking she is cheating on me. But I never saw anything Suspicious from her except her phone that she did not answer or every time we were out it was on silent mode. Of course she sleep over my place 2 or 3 times and her phone was beside us and nothing Suspicious happened. I don’t have paranoia I saw doctors for it and they said because you did not have doubt for no reason you are fine.
Last year she found out she has MS, many times since last year wants from me to leave her and move along with my life with out a sick person. But I didn't leave her because I love her and I want her to be my wife someday.
Every thing was fine after she go to work with 2 men. I asked her to did not work there and she said as soon as she found another job she leaves this job. I just want from her to change her job. We had lots of fights over this problem during 6 months.
Since 3 months ago I've noticed that she is not the same as before and when I asked her she said my behavior got bad and I'm angry all the time. I promised to change and after sometime she said I don't want marry you ever because of your behavior, sometimes said because you don't have a job and you didn't finish university yet, your parents are not reach, sometimes said to me I dont want to marry you because of my illness and .......
In these 3 months I cried many times in front of her and want from her to stay with me and back to normal life, I begged her so many times, every time I cried she accept to stay and marry me but after 1 or 2 days she got back to that negative thoughts. But beside all of these last time we went on a date I saw a text message from a man on her phone, and when she noticed that I saw that sms she got her phone and ran to her home. She denied that the sms was from that man and told me she saved one of her friends that I hate with this man’s name and she swear she is telling the truth. But after all of these she didn’t anything to get back to me and explain this problem completely.
Now it’s 3 weeks after that night, she called me once and she was crying and told me she just want to speak to me as a friend but when I told her that she has to prove the truth to me and I am not sure that I want this relationship again she hung up.
She was very kind to every one, she was religious somehow and help poor people.
I don’t know she loves me or not? I don’t know what happened ? I don’t know if she broke up with me because of her illness. What do you think my friends?
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hello and welcome.  I'm very sorry for your pain.  I've been through a painful break up as well. They are terrible.

My best advice is to just give this space and time.  Stay very busy and go on with your life.  She sounds like she would like to end this but is scared and also doesn't want to hurt you.  Those two things will not hold a relationship together.  So, you need to prepare yourself for life without her.


Stay in school and work hard.  This is very important at this stage in your life.  

good luck
26 Comments Post a Comment
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hello and welcome.  I'm very sorry for your pain.  I've been through a painful break up as well. They are terrible.

My best advice is to just give this space and time.  Stay very busy and go on with your life.  She sounds like she would like to end this but is scared and also doesn't want to hurt you.  Those two things will not hold a relationship together.  So, you need to prepare yourself for life without her.


Stay in school and work hard.  This is very important at this stage in your life.  

good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi,

I agree 100% with the above advice from specialmom.

The best thing you can do for yourself now, is to focus on you!  Don't dwell on this young lady and your past relationship with her ~ find a new hobby, or a new interest to become involved with, this will definitely help you to move through the pain and sadness you are feeling more quickly...  Focus on your studies most importantly.  Keep in mind, many young women find an intelligent and educated man more interesting and attractive than one who is not...
Good Luck
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134578_tn?1446090952
I also agree that the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is over, and that she is trying not to hurt you or make you feel bad.  But of course, when a relationship ends, one does feel bad.  And she sees this and is sorry, and tries to make it better.  But the way she is acting is not the way someone acts if they want to continue to be someone's girlfriend.  Let go of the desire to find out what is happening, let her go, don't brood over what the reasons might be, just accept that it is over romantically between you and move on.
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5696127_tn?1381089797
Thanks all of you guys. I feel much better. I'm too scared, I don't know why I'm scared but it feels bad. Just stay with me here please, it's now 5 A.M. In my country and I'm still awake.
I will write some comments tomorrow with my laptop and seek help from you more and more.
Again thanks and sorry for my English, it's not my native language.
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14757565_tn?1438305224
What I am reading is that you are thinking she's cheating on you with no evidence or any other indications of deceit.  I am also reading that you feel threatened by her working with men.
My opinion is that you may have self esteem issues or you may feel insecure about your own self and you feel inadequate for her.
The more you carry on and don't address this, the worse the issue will become and it will ruin relationship after relationship, and your self worth will diminish more and more every time.

Find out what's eating at you, find out what will make you like you.  I'm guessing she was pushed away by trying to please you, but your accusations or fears became overbearing for her and it pushed her away.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
What I am reading is that you are thinking she's cheating on you with no evidence or any other indications of deceit.  I am also reading that you feel threatened by her working with men.

This is very important that you truly understand and learn, that this life is too short for any women to want to have this sort of thing going on. Having  a job is a big responsibility, to navigate through what some women live as a man's world (in business), It's hard enough for a women to succeed in business, and it's vital that their partner support them as they traverse through their career.

This is enough for any women, to feel that they must walk away. It's like you tied her hands for her., and made it impossible for her to honor herself and be with you. I think you might talk to a therapist about this, and i would suggest a female one. Talk to an educated women who can really identify with the problems that you are having in this relationship.

Who knows if it's over or not , at this point. For right now, it is. You can either learn by this, and possibly present yourself to her at a later time, without demands on her. at this time. It is very uncomfortable for anyone to deal with a partner that cries. When i was a child, i spoke as a child, when  i was a man i put away childish things. You need to talk to a therapist about this, so that you can maintain the balance of manhood. If there are problems in relationship that need to be dealt with specifically like perhaps your jealousy, it needs to be done in a pragmatic, non emotional way and it needs to be you that accepts the problem was you being jealous and about you doing something about it. . Thus, the therapist for you.

However, it might be that your girl, is considering seeing another suitor  at this point, as it is her right, as well as your own right to jump into something new. I don't believe that she was doing so while she was with you, but it might well be that she knew that you and her were not going to make it for awhile now. and has been trying to tactfully get out of the relationship. Maybe there is someone more suited to what she needs coming around, and she may not be able to let that go in her condition. She needs a good partner with her new diagnosis of MS and as a support for her while she is building a career for herself.

Listen friend, it might be too late with this girl, Just as one other said, it's hard to go through a break up. Many of us do. I have. The trick is to learn from whatever went wrong.

f you do some growing of your own, who knows that down the road you two might hook up, but you'd have to really put yourself out there and learn to be supportive of a women, and all that this means. You've made an incredible first step by reaching out here and being open to the comments. A smaller man would not have done so. This says ALOT for you that you are doing so. Many men would just move on and find another women. But you did not. You WANT to know what's wrong and how to fix it I assume.

I think your English is GREAT. I hope that it's not too hard to translate these posts. It' will certainly help with your English though and learning is something that  IS very attractive to a women. Get to that female therapist out there that can help you in your future love life. Let this girl go , and give her some time to get over what went down with you two. It obviously turned her off, Have enough respect for her to let her go. You can tell her if you wish that you realize you made a mistake not supporting her at work, and being jealous and that you are gong to a therapist to get help with that, so that you wont' do that again to any other women. It might go a long way for her to think of you with respect. That would be a good thing.

You sound very sweet. I hope you are able to grow form this so you can be a supportive partner. Life is too short (or too long) for anything but.
Good luck with your next move. Do the right thing.

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3060903_tn?1398568723
Hi. About 8 months ago I had french kiss with a girl and 5 months and 10 days ago I had a 2-way oral sex with my girlfriend and she is virgin.

This is what you posted in June 2013. This means that you've cheated with a girl, (friench kissing her). That's part of the problem too i should think. In fact, many men that have cheated themselves blame their partners of doing the same thing. The reason i bring this up, is that when you do , (hopefully) talk to a therapist you have to tell them the whole story.

I'm NOT judging you here, i'm just saying, this matter matters in the scheme of things.
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134578_tn?1446090952
Even in Iran, you cannot expect a woman with a job to be able to avoid working with men.  You are better off learning to accept that most jobs (for men or women) do involve working in mixed-gender workplaces.  

From her behavior, despite the encouraging words of the above posters, it still sounds to me like it is over, in her heart. One thing that is true, Iran or United States or Britain or the world over, is that if someone no longer loves a former romantic partner, there is very little the other person can do to magically make the person suddenly love them again.  It sounds to me like she has been giving you clear indications that she does not feel it any more.   Once in a very great while, an old romantic partner will come back into someone's life and the love relationship will rekindle, but that happens rarely.  If someone is no longer in love, the best the other person can do is to find a way to stop tearing himself to pieces over it and to go on with his life.
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5696127_tn?1381089797
First thanks for your time.
Second, I said I saw a text message with romantic words from that man that who is her boss, so I'm telling she cheated on me with evidence and of course she denied.
Then I have to say when I kissed that another girl and it was just a 5 minute thing and I went to my girlfriend and explain it to her that I did a horrible mistake and cry and cry and wanted from her to forgive me. And after that I did many things to gain her trust again. But now she just ran after she found out that I saw that SMS and never came back to explain.
Her mom also said to my mom that she and her daughter decided to abondon me for 3 month and my cryings didn't let them to do this.
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5696127_tn?1381089797
Thanks my friend. I know I can not and I shouldnt stop someone to work or something else but her workplace was an underground shop( a book store) and she always was alone with two men.
And she always said her boss is cute or something like that.
I dont know any more to do what.
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5696127_tn?1381089797
Please read the post first compeletly I saw a text message of that man on her phone.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  Focusing in on where things are at now with this girl is that she sounds like she is on the fringe of really wanting to end this but is having difficulty.  This is not a good position for you as she does not have her heart fully in it.  I would prepare yourself and begin to think of life without her.  Broken hearts really hurt.  We've all been there.  You have to stay busy, focus on school, friends, family.  Work out (it helps you feel better, I promise).  You'll be sad but the desperate feeling of still trying to fix this is suffocating.  Let that go.  

Wishing you peace and luck
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5696127_tn?1381089797
Thanks again, you are really kind.
I hav one question,  is it good or bad that I go to talk to her one more time and want her to explain that she did cheat on me or not? In 2 past days thinking of that she cheated or not is eating me up.
I just want to die.
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134578_tn?1446090952
Aahmad, it is not worth wanting to die over this question.  Try giving it one day, and then two, and then three, and do not do anything (such as go to her and have a big scene and lots of drama and demand assurances), and by the time two weeks of staying calm a day at a time have gone by, you will be mostly past this.  Take a lot of walks, go to the movies, sleep in, eat a lot, but don't go see her.  See a counselor instead, if you feel you must see someone.

There really is no possible value in knowing.  It does not sound to me like she cheated (unless perhaps you consider her finding the co-worker handsome and receiving an email from him to be cheating) but it does seem that you are so anxious that even if you pressured her for some kind of assurance, you wouldn't believe her if she says nothing happened.

Please try to let it go, for your own sake.  She is acting clearly like she is over the relationship, let her be over it, and accept that she is over it, and move on with your own life.
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5696127_tn?1381089797
Hi, good morning and thanks for your support, it means a lot to me.
I try to take your advice and do nothing.
Again thanks.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
She denied that the sms was from that man and told me she saved one of her friends that I hate with this man’s name and she swear she is telling the truth.She denied that the sms was from that man and told me she saved one of her friends that I hate with this man’s name and she swear she is telling the truth.

okay so maybe you saw the man she works with was sending her a message, and that's what you meant when you said something was going on.. in fact it could be that he was asking her to work an extra shift and she was trying to keep it from you because you had been unreasonable in the past? it could have been something very innocent....

when a women is dating, and they find that their partners are jealous, and acting out, crying and what have you, it is highly unlikely that they will get back into the relationship once they've finally left ....

I'm so sorry but i have to agree with the others on this point, it seems that there's been too much water under the bridge and the chances of this working out for you are not good, but you can learn from your mistakes, and you can talk to a therapist and that would help for you to get over this.... you can be better for the next relationship...

it seems that you are more concerned with proving that this all happened because of something that your ex girlfriend did or didn't do rather than to look at what you did, and be accountable. If you were being very accountable, it would serve you best, for then you would have learned how not to act, and your next relationship would have a better chance of survival.

People go through all kinds of things in their life, that dont' work out. So many women for instance lose their first children. It's nothing necessarily that they've done wrong, it just happens. Losing a love, happens to most of us, for legitimate reasons, for no reason, You can let it strengthen you, or you can let it beat you down. It is your choice.

One thing though, it sounds like your jealousy was the reason for this relationship to have ended. You can learn from it, or blame her for it. Depending on which you choose, your next relationship will be better off for it to have happened, or worse off, Your choice, You decide.

Best of luck to you. You're in my prayers. Please take the advice, and be extra good to yourself. Celebrate life, food, wine, movies, working out, museums, zoos , Do things that make you feel good about yourself, and let go of the past. Understand your mistakes, and forgive yourself them. Forgive, but don't forget.

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134578_tn?1446090952
Nighthawk, I would say, losing a love happens to all of us, not just most of us.  lol

Aahmad, it does not seem like it to you at this very moment, but the first days are the hardest, and every day you get through, is a day of healing.

Please do be extra good to yourself.
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5696127_tn?1381089797
My dear friend please please read the story carefully first. I saw a SMS and it was romantic and exactly it was this:
Hi. How are you today my love?

Is it a text for asking an extra shift? I don't think so.

Thanks I need your prayers Thanks thanks thanks.
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134578_tn?1446090952
Aahmad, you are obsessing over a red herring.  Have you ever heard of an English fox hunt about 100 years ago where they would put a fox in a cloth bag and drag it over the course, and that way would mislead the pack of hounds into thinking they were on the trail of a real fox, and everyone would chase it like crazy and there would be no fox?  That is the way you are being about the question of "did she or didn't she?"  

I don't think she did, she sounds like an honorable person, although it is certainly possible that someone had a big crush on her and perhaps she returned the thought.  But more to the point, it does not matter how she got to the point where she is not in love with you.  Following your suspicions down the obsession path is just being a frantic pack of foxhounds following a dragged scent to no result.   I am very sorry but it is obvious that her feelings for you are gone.  You are not going to argue or cry her into loving you again.  

What do you do about it?  Mope around?  Cry and demand explanations in a most undignified fashion?  (No explanation would change the fact that she is gone.)  Sit around sulking in a world of suspicion?  Nurse your wounded sense of masculine pride?  How about acceptance?  One fact that you do know is that she has said time has gone by on this relationship, it is over.  You can't make someone love you.  Please, even if you simply do not want to accept anything, stay dignified.  And Nighthawk's list of suggestions for doing things you love was great.  Be good to yourself.  You will pull out of this if you don't let yourself wallow.  
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5696127_tn?1381089797
Thanks It's very good to have you guys here.
I try to stay calm and let it go. I hope she wil be fine.
Thanks again.
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1268057_tn?1452268753
I've read these posts thoroughly and I am pretty much getting clingy, needy and controlling on your behalf.  

"I don’t have paranoia I saw doctors for it and they said because you did not have doubt for no reason you are fine."............I wouldn't call this "paranoia," but it definitely isn't healthy.   You do have issues and that's the problem here.  It's not her; it's you.

"We always have problems because she always forgets to answer her phone and I was thinking she is cheating on me. But I never saw anything Suspicious from her except her phone that she did not answer or every time we were out it was on silent mode."...........This wasn't her issue, but YOUR issue.

"Last year she found out she has MS, many times since last year wants from me to leave her and move along with my life with out a sick person. But I didn't leave her because I love her and I want her to be my wife someday."............Once again YOUR issue.  She suggested you leave, but you decided to stay.  I think if she really needed you by her side going through this she would of asked you to stay.  MS is a terrible diagnosis and the last thing someone with this diagnosis would be wanting to worry about is keeping a not-so ideal romantic relationship going.  In other words, the MS is enough to worry about and perhaps she wants to deal with it ALONE.  

"Every thing was fine after she go to work with 2 men. I asked her to did not work there and she said as soon as she found another job she leaves this job. I just want from her to change her job. We had lots of fights over this problem during 6 months."..........Switch her job because she works with two men?  This has to be cultural-based.  This mindset is pretty archaic.  If a man told me this he would be GONE first before I would quit my job.  There are men everywhere and she can meet them ANYWHERE besides work.  So, she can't go anywhere where men are?  Get real.

"Since 3 months ago I've noticed that she is not the same as before and when I asked her she said my behavior got bad and I'm angry all the time. I promised to change and after sometime she said I don't want marry you ever because of your behavior, sometimes said because you don't have a job and you didn't finish university yet, your parents are not reach, sometimes said to me I dont want to marry you because of my illness and .......".................She is pretty much telling you here that she is DONE and she wants OUT and telling you the reasons why.  

"In these 3 months I cried many times in front of her and want from her to stay with me and back to normal life, I begged her so many times, every time I cried she accept to stay and marry me but after 1 or 2 days she got back to that negative thoughts. But beside all of these last time we went on a date I saw a text message from a man on her phone, and when she noticed that I saw that sms she got her phone and ran to her home. She denied that the sms was from that man and told me she saved one of her friends that I hate with this man’s name and she swear she is telling the truth. But after all of these she didn’t anything to get back to me and explain this problem completely. "..........There are NO negative thoughts here; she knows she made a bad decision by getting back with you.  You are wanting the truth of the matter about this SMS.  Why?  What difference would that make?  It won't bring you back together and it won't change her or make her be deeply in love with you.

"Now it’s 3 weeks after that night, she called me once and she was crying and told me she just want to speak to me as a friend but when I told her that she has to prove the truth to me and I am not sure that I want this relationship again she hung up."...............This is where SHE stands.  The hanging up says it all.  She stated she was willing to be friends and she isn't up to being interogated about this SMS you saw.  You will have to accept you will never know the whole truth about this, so forget it; quit asking her about it.  I am not sure if she even wants to be friends still since she hung up on you.  

"I don’t know she loves me or not? I don’t know what happened ? I don’t know if she broke up with me because of her illness. What do you think my friends"........Are you serious?  If you REREAD what you've posted here you will know.  You really don't take cues well and you aren't hearing what she is saying.  It is apparent she doesn't want a relationship.  She may care about you, but I can't say there is any love on her behalf.  This one isn't looking for marriage.

You are trying to make her want something you want, you are wanting her to be someone she's not, you are wanting her to do things she doesn't want to do..................this would spell incompatible with a capital I and that you NEED to let go.  This is out of your control and perhaps that's the biggest issue here....you can't control this or her my friend.


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5696127_tn?1381089797
Thanks for taking time. I think you are very easy person I mean you trust to anyone with blind eyes. She broke my heart, those 2 men were evils I just want her to change her job, because those men tried to destroy her soul and her hope for life from first day at work. I just wanted to protect her and our love. I know I did many things wrong but believe me she did wrong things 1000 times more than me.
She swear to her mother's life that she loves me so much even in last days of our relationship. I love her too. We were happy beside of her illness and financial problem.
I don't deserve this, I did everything for her.
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1268057_tn?1452268753
"I think you are very easy person I mean you trust to anyone with blind eyes."..................LOL, oh my.  You have NO idea at all.  You may think what you want and everyone is entitled to his/her opinions, but in essence this isn't about me, but about what you posted as you don't know me.  I am not posting here for help; you are.  I am basing my OPINION based on what you've posted......nothing more and nothing less.  I don't know you and you don't know me.  

No one is saying you deserve this.  What I was trying to say in the book (my post was very long) I typed out to you is that you need to see your role in all this.  Perhaps you meant well in regards to the things you said and did, but you come across in my opinion as being too much; suffocating.  Don't you think she is SMART enough to recognize what's best for her?  Don't you think she is SMART enough to realize if someone is evil or not?  She is NO child and she isn't asking for your help.  It just sounds like she was trying to let you go easy, but you just turned everything up a notch and kept hanging on.  I just didn't see where she was doing more wrong than you.  The things she mentioned for wanting not to be with you sound like her dealbreakers and anger issues are SERIOUS and would be enough to end a relationship with someone.  I know I didn't and don't tolerate anger issues.

It's her life and her decisions and YOU need to respect that regardless whether you agree or not.  Sometimes you give it your all and things just don't work out.  Learn from it and leave it.

"I know I did many things wrong but believe me she did wrong things 1000 times more than me.".................Well, then why would you want a woman who did "wrong things 1000x more than you?"

Like I've stated a lot of this may be culture-based. Your refusal to not acknowledge your role/part in this says A LOT.  

Broken hearts are a part of life unfortunately.  There are a lot of things people don't deserve, but that's life and you just have to work through it and MOVE on, not waddle and obsess in sadness and despair.  Not easy, but it can be done.
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1268057_tn?1452268753
Fighting constantly is NEVER a good sign of a solid, healthy relationship no matter how you love the person.  
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5696127_tn?1381089797
Ok thanks every one...
Now what should I do if she came back and want to continue our relationship?
Should I accept her.? I still loves her so much.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
It doesn't sound like you are compatible. I would say No, it wouldn't be a good idea to get back together. You're not supposed to fight constantly, that's not what a good marriage / relationship looks or sounds like.
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