Loveless marriage

[susan12579]

I married a man who is 10 years older, was married briefly and is really extroverted, intelligent, but possibly narcissistic.  I was 21 when we met, and he was just finishing grad school.  He said it was love at first sight, but I had later gotten comments that he was trying to date a friend.  Other comments I have received from his friends included "he not that sure about you", to name a few.  His family is disrespectful at best towards me and he refuses to have pictures of me in his office, or hang out with work colleagues.  We had a small wedding and he would not take me on a honeymoon, nor really get me the typical wedding ring.    After 6 years of marriage, I am adding up all these details at once and concluding that he is not in love with me.

I feel that he is still in love with his past and probably his first wife.  I am realizing this in an all at once manner, and I dont know what to do.  We have discussions and commit to getting help but he never follows through.  I feel as though he only wants me because I feed his ego.  I have given up my life, having four children by 31 and losing much hope for a career.  I am wondering if others have experienced this despairing heartbreak and what have they done about it?  

How do I determine if I am painting this picture out of insecurity or reality?

[Judy246]

You do have options and it's never late to for new beginnings and new career. I do understand raising 4 children is a full time job.

I first recommend marriage counseling, BUT you both have to follow through in order for it to be effective to the marriage and relationship. Marriage counseling will get down to the problems of your marriage, needs that are not being met and any hidden feelings and issues. If he no longer is in love with you then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship or file for a divorce. Have you tried discussing with him, what is his problem(s), concerns, issues?

It' never too late for new beginnings, but getting there will definately be a challenge that you need to take on and embrace. I wish you the best of luck.

[susan12579]

This is where it is strange:  we actually made date nights and are intimate but there is still something missing.  I feel like I am a "fill-in" for his lost first love--we have a lot of physical similarities, strangely and regrettably!  He complains after dates about the cost, and said"I'm here to do my job" once before being intimate.  So, I think I will try the suggestion you have offered, staying positive and trying counseling, too.  

[specialmom]

Good idea lovemykids!!

[lovemykids465]

If he will not get council why can't you go on your own. I did this at first and my husband really appreciated the change he saw in me. Instead of trying to fix him I worked on fixing  me! Eventually he decided to come along and things are going much better now.

[specialmom]

Okay, I asked that because it is two totally separate directions to take in the situation.  

First, you are a young mom of 4 kids and have sacrificed a lot for them in terms of the personal stuff (IE: career).  Many couples find themselves in a situation of being more distant after kids because they consume so much of us.  How much energy do you have for him after tending to 4 children an vice versa.  You have to really make an effort to stay a couple. I'd start a date night.  I'd try to rekindle some fun and light heartedness between you two.  

I understand that you feel that he may never have loved you as much as you would have liked and that thought hurts.  But  he loved you enough to marry you.  He loves you enough to still be there for the past 10 years.  We all want to be cherished and adored-----  but I would have to say that he must have had love for you to have married you and such.  So I would try to believe that he does care for you.  Don't have conversations about this with his friends as in the ones who have made hurtful comments like he doesn't' know about you.  That is counterproductive.  If you want to heal this relationship, staying positive is a good idea.  

Signs of cheating are always worrisome.  If you don't know, then I would work hard on trying to gain intimacy as a couple.  Is counseling an option?  Sometimes it can be approached to a reluctant spouse as "I want us to be as happy as possible and maybe we will get some idea on how to improve the good relationship we already have."  I'd try to increase communication.  Ask him more questions and listen------  try to get to know him better.  I know you know him, but we women sometimes do a lot of talking and forget to listen.  We can miss a lot of key information.  So keep your eyes open for cheating if you suspect as such (and I hope NOT!)----------  but getting closer as a couple will help lesson your risk of it happening.  

I wish you a lot of luck.  You've made a life with him but deserve to be loved.  I hope it all works out for you.

[susan12579]

Thanks for your questions.
I am not sure he ever loved me, but in the position of deep love that I had for him, I accepted things that now in hindsight are dawning on me.  So, the issues of the past, I agree are somewhat insignificant but do fuel my present suspicions and pains.

Right now the relationship is somewhat friendly, and mostly filled with obligations to children, which can only be expected. Many signs of cheating, but no real proof.

I just feel I have given up where he has not and now I don't know if that was the best choice.

I do want to save the relationship.  

[penswriter]

specialmom i think she means she wanted to have four kids by 31 and a career. at least that's how i read it.

[specialmom]

I think I would focus on the here and now.  Who cares what kind of wedding ring he bought you . . . that was a long time ago and was good enough then.  Who cares about the honeymoon . . . long time ago.  Are you bitter over these things?  I'd more concentrate on what is going on in your  marriage.  You talk of his friends and his family.  What about him?  What does he say to you?  If you feel like you are no longer in love with him or that he does not love you----------  focus on that and let all the past things go.  It  helps nothing.  What is the relationship like today and then we can talk about what is going on.  

Marriage isn't suppose to be miserable . . . but after 10 years and as you say, 4 kids-----------  why now is it so bad?  I'm just curious because that is a lot of years and a lot of kids to have with someone you feel never loved you.  

Is your goal to change the relationship (doable) or leave the relationship (also doable)?  That is a big question because my advice would be different depending on your goal.  

[penswriter]

if he won't get marriage counseling and you're this depressed and upset...i'd say get a divorce. focus on you and what you want. find what makes you happy.