Just a quick history, my husband was 43 and I was 33 when we started dating. When we became engaged, I made sure to express that sex was important in my life because I had just started having orgasms and my past sex life with my ex-husband was horrible. So I made it a point to let him know how important this subject was to me. In the beginning our sex life was satisfying, then it started to taper off. He said it was because he was working so many hours and was tired.
We got married after a year and a half of dating and 6 months into the marriage the sex had decreased even more. I kept asking what was the matter and he left me with no answers except, “nothings wrong, im just working a lot.”
I then went into a physiological breakdown trying to fill in the blank; was he messing around, was it my hair, weight, make-up etc. He got tired of me nagging him and he made the comment, “you knew how old I was when you married me.” And I came back with, “and you knew how young I was when you married me.” After arguing and crying with him for a year, he finally said he would go to the doctor and the results were low testosterone.
I felt so relieved to know the explanation and happily thinking that we can go forward and work on this together. Since then he has tried gels and different types of pills but nothing seems to help. Im now 40 and he is 51 and he seems content with not having a sex drive, desire and not wanting sex. I get frustrated because it seems as if he doesn’t understand we are both in this together but he leaves me to feel that Im left on an island by myself.
I’ve thought about divorce many times but it doesn’t make sense because everything else in our lives are good. I don’t look down on him for this issue, I look down on him at this point because he is not caring about my needs and it hurts deeply. Even after I tell him I walk around with sexual tension he still doesn’t make any moves; towards me or the doctor. Now im thinking about cheating to get pleasured but I honestly don’t want to do this.
We recently went to a counselor but she believes that we are doing great because she feels we are doing great in our lives in all other areas and there isn’t going to be a perfect relationship. I have become so frustrated that I am now becoming bitter towards him and I have moved out of the bedroom. I know that im hurting my marriage even more with this anger but It comes out so easily because I am resentful.
Honestly, not being brutal, but you are trying to CHANGE your husband into something he doesn't want to be or isn't willing to be. I think he is very comfortable with a low sex drive and the minimal amout of sex. I am sure the low testosterone level and the working alot of hours doesn't help matters, but I think he was like this the WHOLE time you. He might have put more effort into having the amount of sex that you wanted WHILE you all were dating and even that DIP over time.
Secondly, you KNEW this was an issue BEFORE you married the man too. So, if this was so important to you why would you marry someone who was not going to be sexual compatible with you?
As long as he doesn't see this as an issue and you do there isn't much to be done about this except you accepting this or leaving.
Let me be clearer, I knew he was working a lot before we got married but I took the little amount of sex we were having being the reason and nothing more. When we were dating we had a conversation about how some couples get married and push sex aside and we agreed this was not the type of people we were. I thought i was asking all the questions that mattered in a partner to me before i got married but here we are.
Yes we still have sex about once every month or two but its quick like 3 minutes.
He also watches porn by himself which i told him isn't helping the situation. He says, "you're probably right" but he keeps on watching. You're probably wondering if he's maturbating and no he isn't. Hes never been that type of guy but says he just likes to watch it. I dont mind because i like watching it too. But im resentful that he's watching and it doesn't have a positive advantage towards our relationship. He doesn't even get errect. I feel if he watched it less, his errections may come more often.
Im thinking we should go to a sex therapist oppose to a family counselor like we had before.
Just a suggestion.... besides what he has been trying, has he looked into a more aggressive treatment, like hormone injections? A single buddy of mine was on his last limb. It took every single ounce of energy he had to pull his butt out of bed and make it to work. (This guy is a ladies man, and all of a sudden he cared less about sex, women, work, his life in general.)
We went to a new doc and had some tests. Tests proved that he had very low testosterone. Doc put him on a daily injection and this guy is back now, more than ever.
Hey, I am with you about the sex therapist dear.....that sounds very logical in your situation. There is a combination of things going on here and they all are surrounding sex. I don't think this is just a "testosterone" issue alone. Would he be willing to go?
1-2x/month and for only 3 minutes?......I can see where you would be "frustrated."
I would be very concerned about the fact he is watching "porn" alone and is disconnecting more with you in regards to sex.
Nothing else significant is going on in your marriage in regards to issues?
For me, it doesn't make any difference. Before I went to a therapist about my depression and other issues, I didn't want to speak to ANY therapist. I think that stands in the way of most men. We like to think that we can handle our own issues.... turns out, that's not the truth and can be risky/dangerous.
When I finally went to a therapist, (both of mine were female, neither of which I got to choose. both were assigned to my case) I was just glad to be addressing the issue.
We have gone to our first counseling session at a Relationship and Sex Institute. We are planning to go to our 2nd one this Thursday. I think we are on the right track and in the end I hope that we turn out okay.
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