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Lying Husband
I just found out that my Husband has been lying to me for over a year. My son has been in and out of the hospital mulitple times over the last year due to kidney disease and heart disease so my husband was unemployed from March 2012 untill Dec 2012. He faught to get his unemployment and won. We received his unemployment card in July 2012 and when I went online to check the balance we were $600.00 short. I saw two withdrawals from a ATM. I asked my husband about it and he said someone must of stole the card out of the mail and took the mony off the card since we just received it in the mail that day. It sounded so unreal to me but he had never lied to me before so I told him to report it to the bank so he did. He said they would investigate. I asked him a couple weeks later and he called again and he told me they were still investigating. I asked him several times over the last year and always he came up with an excuse for why the bank didn't give us the money back. So I had finally had enough. I told him to get them on the phone I wanted to talk to them. Well surprise surpirse he finally told me he took the $600 and gambled it away on a card game at the casino. I was shocked and felt like he ripped my heart out. He lied to me for a year. How am I ever suppose to trust him again? He didn't only lie to me he lied to his entire family. He even lied to our community who were helping us get through the tough times when my son was in the hospital. I don't what to do, please help?
Hi also, i see this as not a problem of lieing but more of 2 people in a rut and trying to get by in every day life and will do things to take away from this reality.
I see all to often people living their lives and not really going anywhere and just end up at the end looking back at all the wasted time and dreams of what could have been.
The 2 of you should have a sit down talk about how the both of you are going to get to the next level to financial freedom. How the both of you can really have a way to achieve all your lifes desires. Weather its going back to school, changing professions, or taking a hard look at the ways and means to accomplish this.
I feel hes kinda is doing this with the gambling and maybe thinks he can be a professional gambler and he may well be successful at this but there needs to be a plan of operation.
If a person has the right skills and sticks to it they can be successful in what ever they try.
The point here is to try. Use ones brains, Look at society and the things that are needed by people. Dont settle on the waiting game in life, merely hoping all will be ok. It will be ok only if we try.
Its like fishing. If this lure dosent work, why sit there days on end using the same lure. Its not easy to open up the tackle box and try to figure out which one will work but unless this is done, it will be just another long day waiting for the right fish to come instead of attracting all the fish in the sea by adjusting to failure.
I see all to often people living their lives and not really going anywhere and just end up at the end looking back at all the wasted time and dreams of what could have been.
The 2 of you should have a sit down talk about how the both of you are going to get to the next level to financial freedom. How the both of you can really have a way to achieve all your lifes desires. Weather its going back to school, changing professions, or taking a hard look at the ways and means to accomplish this.
I feel hes kinda is doing this with the gambling and maybe thinks he can be a professional gambler and he may well be successful at this but there needs to be a plan of operation.
If a person has the right skills and sticks to it they can be successful in what ever they try.
The point here is to try. Use ones brains, Look at society and the things that are needed by people. Dont settle on the waiting game in life, merely hoping all will be ok. It will be ok only if we try.
Its like fishing. If this lure dosent work, why sit there days on end using the same lure. Its not easy to open up the tackle box and try to figure out which one will work but unless this is done, it will be just another long day waiting for the right fish to come instead of attracting all the fish in the sea by adjusting to failure.
I've mentioned in my other post that we found my husband had a mental illness, paranoid schizophrenia. Although he is well managed with meds, he is still rigid and unable sometimes to be spontaneous (in his mind). Before I knew he had an illness that i recognized and read up on, I was unable to always comprehend his actions. Now that I know, I handle him differently. I have some acceptance i guess, that i didn't have before. I first had to have him open up to a doctor about how he was feeling, and that was the toughest part. In my case I had him committed......
I want you to know I really feel for you, I know what it's like to have a partner that needed to be looked at more closely, but you have a partner and a baby that you need to fend for , and I'm sorry, I wish I could just give you a big hug, I pray that you have friends and confidants that can support you., if not, i would say go to GamblingAnon, and get some support for yourself..he's a gambler, and you're invited to that table...... it might help to have a coffee and make a fiend to help you with what's happening now...
there's a change coming on , on the wind. You deserve your best life. NH
I want you to know I really feel for you, I know what it's like to have a partner that needed to be looked at more closely, but you have a partner and a baby that you need to fend for , and I'm sorry, I wish I could just give you a big hug, I pray that you have friends and confidants that can support you., if not, i would say go to GamblingAnon, and get some support for yourself..he's a gambler, and you're invited to that table...... it might help to have a coffee and make a fiend to help you with what's happening now...
there's a change coming on , on the wind. You deserve your best life. NH
great point rosy, i'm so sorry that you feel so cheated right now hurtful mom :( It bites. it's hard for you to admit i think that you know that he's got a problem, and it is not a simple character flaw that you can fix or walk from while always giving it your all as a mother and wife, this is about you being able or not being able to begin a treatment program for your husband (intervention) while under the stress of possibly being the only responsible parent to a sick child. It's a huge gamble on your part to stop the co dependency and have him become 100% accountable for his gambling addiction and how it is affecting your family, through a qualified marriage/addictions counselor. Is he the chicken or the egg. Is he a liar that gambles a bit, is he a gambler that lies? Neither can be fixed until he admits to being a prick firstly, and being open to change. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it makes me so angry too~ but cool heads shall pervade, for the sake of yourself and your beautiful child, and him in the event he can admit that he has a problem, and he wants to fix it..........
if he doesn't, is that how you want to live? you sound far too cool for that. Give him a chance, don't give him a chance, get to where you want to be. You don't have to fear being alone......
if he doesn't, is that how you want to live? you sound far too cool for that. Give him a chance, don't give him a chance, get to where you want to be. You don't have to fear being alone......
Addiction is TOUGH on everyone and can't be fully addressed until the addicted person recognizes for themselves that they have a problem that they alone are powerless over. He may be using gambling in the same way some use drugs...as an escape from reality and the life issues ya'll are facing... He may not be fully aware of the problems his addiction is causing.
He seems to get very angry and denies he has any type of a problem. He never takes blame for anything he does wrong.
COMMUNITY LEADER
That is really hard. His gambling may be due to some depression as addiction and emotional issues often go hand in hand. Same for his issues with work. has HE had any doctor's visits lately? Could this be an area to discuss with him?
Thank you for your comments. This isn't a one time thing with the gambling. Well he has never kept it from me for a year but maybe he would of if I didn't find out the next day or two. He lies about other things too. I just want him to be honest. I want to trust him again. I love my family and want our relationship to last because my children deserve a Mother and Father in the same home. I do do a monthly budget and I give him $50 dollars a week to spend but it never is enough he always spends 3x more then that and we struggle to make ends meet especially when he doesn't go to work everyday. I'm so frustrated. I just don't have the energy to fight anymore.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, and I agree with rockrose's post that I've just read after posting mine.
Do you do things like have a weekly/monthly budget?? I'd do that in writing but put in there a bit of money each week for him to spend. Doesn't have to be much at all but this psychologically lets someone stick to a budget much better.
But this is likely about much more than money management. peace
Do you do things like have a weekly/monthly budget?? I'd do that in writing but put in there a bit of money each week for him to spend. Doesn't have to be much at all but this psychologically lets someone stick to a budget much better.
But this is likely about much more than money management. peace
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I agree that being lied to is awful. And especially in a vulnerable financial position for your son's medical needs.
I am a little different about cheating though as I promise you it would hurt worse if he was with another woman while lying and spending money!
Does he have a gambling issue? Is this a problem you've discussed with him?
Gambling is very much an addiction for some people and the lying is always part of addiction (well, almost always). They are doing something they don't have a huge amount of control over and know they'll get the big smack down from their disappointed in them partner. So, they lie.
I guess I'm also curious about what you are wanting next. To reconcile or to end the marriage. It will help in what we write. I don't know the history leading up to this as it sounds more like a one time thing/mistake. So, I don't know where you are at in terms of wanting to repair this or to end it.
I am a little different about cheating though as I promise you it would hurt worse if he was with another woman while lying and spending money!
Does he have a gambling issue? Is this a problem you've discussed with him?
Gambling is very much an addiction for some people and the lying is always part of addiction (well, almost always). They are doing something they don't have a huge amount of control over and know they'll get the big smack down from their disappointed in them partner. So, they lie.
I guess I'm also curious about what you are wanting next. To reconcile or to end the marriage. It will help in what we write. I don't know the history leading up to this as it sounds more like a one time thing/mistake. So, I don't know where you are at in terms of wanting to repair this or to end it.
hurtfulmum, so often posters don't put the full story in their first post - I think if's a defense reaction. So then people respond to the original post thinking they are responding to your problem, but that's not what's happening here.
The problem is not that your husband irresponsibly blew $600 a year ago and tried to conceal it from you.
The problem is he's a chronic gambler and spends all the money, he's apparently unemployed and he can't be trusted because he lies about everything.
And you're going through a crisis with a critically ill child.
Prayers your child recovers fully. That must be so hard.
I think also, you need to reread your second post and internalize that - and let this one much smaller issue - the $600 - go in favor of working on the much larger picture.
The problem is not that your husband irresponsibly blew $600 a year ago and tried to conceal it from you.
The problem is he's a chronic gambler and spends all the money, he's apparently unemployed and he can't be trusted because he lies about everything.
And you're going through a crisis with a critically ill child.
Prayers your child recovers fully. That must be so hard.
I think also, you need to reread your second post and internalize that - and let this one much smaller issue - the $600 - go in favor of working on the much larger picture.
He gambles all the time and spends money like it grows on trees. He has always had those white lies and I have not ever really thought much of it but if he could lie to me for a year straight to my face several times and seem not to be affected by it then how can I ever really know if he is lying to me again. I don't care if he cheated on me it feels the same. He lied to me and I feel like he ripped my heart out. I am suppose to trust him with everythin I am.
Im sorry you were hurt by him lying and Im sorry about your son and all you had to go through. Im glad that his lie didn't involve cheating tho! I know it hurts but if he has apologized and is SINCERE then I would try and forgive him. If he doesn't have a history of lying then maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive him.... That's where the "for better or worse" part of the vows come in. I know your angry and hurt but for you, him, and your family PLEASE try to forgive and move on! Please keep us updated and if you need to talk we are here!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. Well, I'm very very sorry that he lied to you and has made you so hurt by that.
I'm relieved though that it was a one time mistake and it had nothing to do with cheating.
In all honesty, unless there is a pattern of gambling and lying, I'd try to let this go. He didn't tell you because he made a mistake and knew you'd be furious. Maybe he thought that he could win money for the family and it went terribly wrong.
so, unless this is a consistent pattern, I'd believe he made a mistake, knows it is a mistake and it wasn't intentional to hurt you.
Honestly, as a wife, I once spent more than I should and knew my husband would be livid. I didn't want to tell him. I was scared of his reaction. Very tempting in those situations to take an easy way out. Try to see this as that dear. He may know you very well and knew you'd blow a gasket over it so the lie was his easy way out that is now not so easy.
peace
I'm relieved though that it was a one time mistake and it had nothing to do with cheating.
In all honesty, unless there is a pattern of gambling and lying, I'd try to let this go. He didn't tell you because he made a mistake and knew you'd be furious. Maybe he thought that he could win money for the family and it went terribly wrong.
so, unless this is a consistent pattern, I'd believe he made a mistake, knows it is a mistake and it wasn't intentional to hurt you.
Honestly, as a wife, I once spent more than I should and knew my husband would be livid. I didn't want to tell him. I was scared of his reaction. Very tempting in those situations to take an easy way out. Try to see this as that dear. He may know you very well and knew you'd blow a gasket over it so the lie was his easy way out that is now not so easy.
peace
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