MIL - Help

[anonymous_825]

I'll try to make this brief, but really want some feedback.

Been married for 20+ years, 4 kids.  Hubby is kind but demanding/tough.  He has certain things he wants certain ways but is pretty easygoing about everything else.

My MIL got divorced almost 20 years ago.  She is a real pain.  She has no friends, her family doesn't like her and everyone hates her at her job.  Her other kids avoid her and only do things with her when they HAVE to.

It's hard to pinpoint, but she just has an irritating personality.  She never says one positive thing.  Never.  She's confrontational about insignificant things.  She states her opinions like they are facts and just basically tells you that you're wrong if you don't  agree with her far out opinions.  One day we will understand the truth is her mantra.

My family includes her in holidays and vacation.  For years we have included her.  My hubby has no problem telling her she's being an a** when she goes on one of her ridiculous rants about some conspiracy.  

We have taken her in when she had surgery, taken her to several procedures.  She tells her "friends" that she's all alone as if we didn't do a thing.

When we go on vaca she pays for nothing.  She doesn't have much money so we pay for the place to stay, transportation, all food, etc.  she always orders the most expensive thing, gets a cocktail, the whole livin it up on someone else's dime.

So for the last few years (5 or so) she buys her grand kids a small trinket from the vaca.  She then buys my hubby, her son, something.  But never, ever does she get me anything.  This is not to be petty, but I feel absolutely insulted that she purposefully omits me as if I don't matter.  It's not that I expect something, but if she feels compelled to do for everyone but me, it's just insulting.

I get stuck with her at restaurants, shopping.  She gives me zero space.  I get to do nothing with my kids alone when she's around.  When I buy something for one of my kids, she will be standing on top of me so I can't have a private conversation with them.  She will be right next to me as I pay seeing if I'm using cash or credit card, watching the to and for like its a flipping tennis match.

I'm just sick of it.  I've looked the other way for years b/c it never seemed worth it, but after this last trip where I was practically her babysitter and she once again slighted only me, I'm just done.  I want nothing to do with her.  

It's a respect thing.  I have allowed her to come on our family vacation, paid her way and yet she has no appreciation to me.  I've sucked it up and been kind to her.  I am the mother of her grand kids.  Is it so wrong to expect some respect?  It's not just the gift, that's just a tangible example.  If I ask her to do something that she doesn't want to (give me space, etc.) she pretends not to hear me.  It's just so aggravating.

Am I wrong to feel that she has shown me that I have no value to her?  All advice is appreciated.  Thanks!

[anonymous_825]

And to anniebrooke.  I know this is a possibility.  She has played the sick card and when you follow up b/c she never gives an update, it turns out it was nothing but she's kept it going as long as possible.

That said, I do know that she may eventually have something going on.  I try my best to be patient, but I refuse to be a doormat.

But I do appreciate your perspective.

Thanks again all!

[anonymous_825]

And, thank you specialmom for pointing out this side.

I think those kinds of thoughts are what has made me put up with her this long.

I don't plan to cut her out completely but I do plan to limit how much time I spend with her.  And she has 3 kids, let them take care of her.  

I have my own family and kids to worry about and I have a responsibility to show them that people, no matter who, have the right to treat you disrespectfully.

I've just had the proverbial last straw and my desire for a real relationship is just gone.  Took me long enough!

[anonymous_825]

Thanks all for your input.

This situation has taken so long to come to a head for so many reasons but I think it's becoming clearer and clearer to me.

For instance, when we first got married I was still dealing with a tremendous loss in my family. His parents were getting divorced. I think we were so concerned about MIL's emotional state we just let a lot of bad behavior go.

Then we had kids and all the distraction that entails.

My MIL is not (usually) outwardly rude. She is far more clever.

Some examples thru the years. DH has an aunt who he is extremely close to. She is wonderful. So about 10 years ago she called me to invite us to something for her son (DH's cousin). When MIL found out she told my DH that I misunderstood, it was just for DH's aunt's hubby's family. DH told me I got it wrong and we didn't go. Then we find out that she went with another aunt. She just didn't want us there.

She wouldn't let me host a holiday ever. When we had kids we told her that we were staying home for Christmas so the kids could play with their gifts. We were the only ones with kids. Everyone started coming for Christmas.

She plays like she's helpless except when it comes to something she wants to do, then nothing can stop her.

DH has a sister who is way out there. Her family is way out there. She left the family b/c she didn't get along with her mother (my MIL). My MIL tracked her down after a few years, bought her a bunch of gifts, gave her money and back came SIL. Fine, whatever. DH doesn't really want to have anything to do with them, but we put up with them for a holiday here and there. MIL demands that we include them, go visit, etc. we don't want to but she won't go unless we do. Really? So guess what, no one goes.

They come to a holiday at the aunts and MIL, in her words, gets stuck sitting by them and then complains about it. Pouts, whines, complains. I'm sorry, it's your kid and you brought her back, you deal with her.

Last year we took her on vaca with BIL and SIL (different, that we like). There were 12 of us and we got seated at a round table where she was sitting next to SIL (they don't really care for each other) and she complained that she got stuck on the end. The end of a round table?

When BIL (her other son) and SIL got married, she complained about her dress, the service, what the food was. She didn't pay for any of it. I kept telling her it was their day, they could do what they want. Sit down and shut up. Not a chance. Comment, remark, comment.

She went to visit a sick friend in the hospital (contagious disease) on the same day she was supposed to babysit my 6 week old niece. Then she played like it was no big deal. She's done very similar to me.

I don't get involved in their issues but just examples of the kinds of things she does.

She plays dumb when confronted and yet she is the most opinionated, I know and you'll find out soon enough person.

Sorry for the rant. I think I'm just realizing all the little things that have contributed to the bigger feeling of dislike.

Thanks for listening!

[specialmom]

Ugh, sorry to hear.  I can relate as I had a mother in law that frankly drove me nuts.  Oh, she was overbearing and very different in her beliefs than me.  She was the type to see you and first thing say "wow, that hair cut makes you look like an old lady".  She'd stop by my house unannounced when I had two kids (a newborn and a one year old . . . when I was just trying to survive the day) and have me make her some food while she sat and told me everything I was doing wrong.

And then she got cancer.  She went down hill quickly.  It was a sad sight.  And then she died.  

Now, I bring this up because in the end, toward her death, I found my thoughts evolving. She gave birth and raised my partner.  To that, I am eternally grateful. She showed up and had interest in my kids.  Now with no grandmothers living and only one disinterested grandfather left, I sure do miss that.  She was so sick in the end and in so much pain, that I would invite her over and do whatever I could for her.  She stayed with us for a bit.  Then she died.

I only mention this because  NO ONE could be more irritated with their mother in law than me.  I had al kinds of wicked nicknames for her that my best girlfriends and sister knew.  I literally cringed when I heard we'd have to go do something with her or the doorbell rang and it was her.  

But then it was over.  And in a really odd way, I miss her.  

So, try to keep it in perspective which I know is really hard when you are IN the situation.  Look for some small compromises to make and work on that with your HUSBAND.  Such as, "honey, you need to spend time with your mom.  Tomorrow, YOU are taking mom out to do X and I'm taking the kids with me. Have a great time with your mom."  And if he seems like he doesn't want to---  let him know that you NEED him to.  Then you will get a break and be refreshed.  

good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

Also, she might have something medically wrong.  A friend who is in early Altzheimer's acts like you describe.  She never can find anything good to say, and if she has no tale of woe from her own life that day, will read the paper and dolefully report on a car crash or a plane accident.  (She was just diagnosed as in the early stages of dementia, which surprised me despite her behavior because otherwise she seems perfectly lucid.  But she assures me that her memory is terrible.)  Not that you have to suddenly be nice to your MIL if she does have something medically wrong, I would begin to back out of the relationship and put it on your husband (if he wants it).  But it might help you be patient at the times you do have to interact with her.

[Londres70]

From what you described you aren't wrong in feeling the way you do.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi, everything you mentioned shows shes a very unthankful person whose main concern in life is herself. Im sure your husband knows how you feel and is also aware of how she acts. It would be better to limit your interaction with her to avoid any conflicts with your husband. Mothers and sons have a special relationship.