MY BOYFRIEND WONT LEAVE HIS MOM'S HOUSE

My 28 year old boyfriend of 3 years still lives at home with his mother and refuses to move out. He and I were going to move in together around 1 year after dating. His mother went on disability from work (she was a teacher) around the same time we planned on moving in together and he has opted not move out so he can be there for her. I felt it was ok for him to want to be there for his mother, and decided we could move in together at a later time.

Two years into our relationship I became pregnant with our son, we decided that we really should move in so that we could raise our son together and its because what we had always planned on doing. My boyfriend refused to move in with us when the time came, he instead wanted me and our son to move in with him and his mother. I didnt think this was the best idea, and refused to live with them. He told me that he refuses to leave his mother, the only way he would live with me and our son is if we all lived together.

He somehow feels indebted to his mother because she took really good care of him when he was a child. Although its honourable for him to want to take care of her its not reason for him to not want to leave, because it was her job as his parent to take good care of him. I tell him all the time that he is letting our son miss out on having both parents raise him together because he chooses to live with her and not us, but he points out that its my fault b/c I wont live with him and his mother.

I tell him we would help his mother whenever she needed, its not like we would be relocating, we would still be in the same city and she could call whenever she needs anything. I mean if she was critically ill or something then I would understand, but the majority of her health issues are because
she is an unhealthy and obese woman who doesnt do anything to make herself healthy.
Sometimes I think she makes herself seem sicker so she can ensure her son wont move out.

I love my boyfriend and I don't want our relationship to end over something like this...I just dont know what to do...

[SquirreliciousAngel]

It seems like you're viewing this as a small thing. You and your boyfriend have a child together, maybe you should try to get him to view this in another way. He wants to be with his mother because she did such a great job raising him and taking care of him but he seems to be losing sight of the fact that he should be doing the same for HIS child. I'm sure that he did not live with his mother's parents when he was younger. Also the other thing to look at is his mother, what is she saying about the situation? Does she want him to stay with her? Is she making him feel guilty so he will stay?
I think you did the right thing by not moving in with her as it can be an akward situation.

Best of luck
~S.A.

[jo929]

If his mom is able to take care of herself at home by herself she does not need him and should push him to do the right thing and get married and for him to move out with you and son why dont you talk with her and see which way the wind blows as he wont make that choice unless he thinks he may never see his son or being part of his life are you sure he loves you 3 years is a long time i have known some moms that hang on to there sons until it is to late for them to do anything it does sound like he is mamas boy i also have known people go together 5 yeras and plan to get married then all of a sudden he dumps her for someone alse and marrys the new one right off. tell him you and he can see to his mom 4 or 5 times a week take a good long look at him and make sure he is worth it   lots luck jo

[RockRose]

What your boyfriend doeesn't have the perspective to know is,  his mother is an utter and complete failure as a mother.  A parent's job is to give their children the skills they need to make it in the world,  as an independent and fulfilled person.  Like creating a rocket ship and then allowing it a spectacular launch into the world.

She has nailed her rocketship to the launch platform.  His loyalty is so misguided - most people have mothers who took really good care of them as children.  That's a mother's job.  THEN,  it's her job to watch her child launch.

Best of luck with this awful situation.  

[girliegrl1723]

i agree with rock rose. not only is he wrong for refusing to move out his mother's home and be a part of the family you both created, his mother is also wrong for not pushing him out the door and urging her son to do the right thing. i sincerely hope he is not hiding behing his mother as a cover for bigger issues, i.e., he doesn't want to live with you, marry you, raise your child together, etc. if i were you, i would put an end to the BS. tell him either step up to the plate or get lost. he can send you a check every month and visit with your child. ill bet leaving his mom's house will sound mouch more appealing after that scenario is thrown his way.

i hope this works out for you in the end...

[xx80xx]

I find myself in a similar situation. I've been with my signifcant other for 1.5 years and I want to settle down and move in together. However, he is staying with his mom because she had trouble living by herself because she is too scared and it's too big of a house.
I have no patience for my situation and I'm not moving in with them three because I already know it won't work out- you cannot have 2 women running the household and you know you will never be able to take care of him and his child as HIS OWN MOTHER would.
So it's a hard and difficult choice for the men in our lives, to start living their own lives or live their lives for their mothers.
I think your and my significant other person are loving the situation- their mothers cook, clean and do everything for them just like when they were kids, except that they are grown men, and in your situation having a child is part of a new life and you need to know that you DESERVE to have your own family and live in your own home no  matter how big or small.... mothers need to recognize their place and let their kids (esp. sons) live their own lives.
I hope my significant other will make the right choice because I've been waiting 1.5 years and cannot imagine waiting longer...
Good luck to US!

[chynadoll6744]

I am so sorry toplip, but I have to be honest with you. Mothers are married to their sons but there isnt "supposed" to be any sex.. They actually set raps in the house so the sone feels like he's king of her jungle.  I saw mothers who would make their sons clean their panties so that the son coul actually smell her scent. It gets really sick. Some sons jerk off to their mothers at night.  I have research this "edipus" and its terrible. The best thing for you to do is move on.  Trust me, whenever your boyfriend feels strongly about being with you, he consults with his mother, and she shuts it down....Run...

[peaceinknowing]

I know you don't wish to have the relationship end "over something like this" but unfortunately, something has to be done that's within the best interest of you and your son right now. I hope that all is going well, please keep us all informed.

[hardkaur]

Hello,
I can feel your frustration and pain. I have been married for 10 months now. During the several years that my husband and I were dating, we had always discussed moving out and establishing a home of our own, but he wanted me to live with his parents for a year first, as it is part of the culture, and so I agreed. 6 months into the marriage I began talking about moving out within the years time, and he would just ignore me or brush the subject off. Months later he said he didn't want to move out of his parents house, and wanted us to live with them forever. He felt it was his "turn to take care of them" because he too, had had such a good childhood. His mother did everything for him before we got married, from making his meals, to washing his clothes, and nagging at him to do things. I  told him that I refuse to live with his parents because of how bad my relationship has become with my mother in law, and my husband. My father in law is pretty neutral in all this. It is true that two women cannot run the same household, as I have learned over the past year, and your relationship with your man will suffer BIG TIME, sexually, emotionally, and mentally. You have made a very very wise decision by not moving in. If your boyfriend steps up to the plate, and claims responsibility for you and your child, then he is making the right decision. However, make his mom aware of the situation and what the result will be in the end. If she then refuses to let her son go, then you know there is nothing you can do about it. But if she is supportive and wants her son to be a good father and perhaps husband one day, then it is all in your boyfriends plate. Good luck.

[trice5001]

I have been wth my boyfriend for six years we still don't live together he live with his mom and he come by my house from time to time don't offer to pay bills or put groceries in the house he never asked to marry me his excuse is he think I have bipolar not its just that I don't like people to take advantage of me I'm so sick of the bs I don't know what to do. His mom shows me she don't care for me his kids show the same I've addressed this several of times to him but no resolution ti the problem I think he is very confused.

[lolobean]

Ugh.  I SO feel your pain.
I started dating my bf 4 years ago.  He told me he had his own house, later admitting he pays the mortgage on his mothers house cause she couldn't afford and didn't want to lose it.  I thought, what a standup guy!
She and I FIGHT.  If I make suggestions to repair his crumbling investment (no maintenance to home), or suggest we look at our own place, this sweet charmer who the town loves launches the claws (only when we're alone) and the next morning she'll greet him with his favorite waffles and a smile.  On the counter beside the waffles will be her arsenal of medications she takes for self-made health issues (diabetes type II, and she eats sugar ALL day).
His argument is almost convincing! He's given her 1000.00 per mo. for 12 years.  He thinks she won't let him have the house when she goes if he doesn't stay and his investment will be lost.  Given her history with family, I understand this fear.  So, losing that angle - I approached her one day and suggested that maybe she could give him a gentle 'nudge' and allow us to spread our wings.  I've never felt such fury.  Her response was, 'What?  If he's not happy I'll shove him out on his *** so fast his head'll spin!".  Clearly not a balanced person.  
I just found out I am pregnant, and all I can think on, is not what wonderful things I'll do to the baby's room, or what kind of music I'll play it in the womb, and where we'll take our morning walks... but rather, how many bad manners she'll teach it, and how she'll handle the baby with poor hygiene, and how having control over how my child is raised will be a permanent battle.  
Her home is HER home.  She says to everyone it's his, but the second I put dishes of mine out of my packing box (yes, from 4 years ago) into the cupboard cause we need them?.. they mysteriously wind up back in my box down in the basement.  :-(  What do I do?  I love him.  He's super excited about the baby, but when I suggest our own home.. now he says 'we really can't now.  How can we afford the car AND a baby with a new mortgage?"  I'm F'ed.

[skepticalpeach]

Can you talk to his mother? Find a way to tell her that she has to let go of her son. If you can't do it do you know someone else in the family who could? His mom could also get life alert or a different roommate. There are so many options they aren't exploring! I don't understand why it has to be him who watches her. Doesn't she have any other friends or family to help? If she is such a great mom why is she letting her grandbaby grow up with a dad? I don't get it.

[skepticalpeach]

I meant "without a dad!"

[teko]

I get the feeling something is missing here. My final thought tho on what you are posting would be to tell you that it appears your bf is just not that into you. Men usually do what makes them happy and are selfish enough to take that road, whatever it is. It seems to me that you bf is using his mother as an excuse to stay in his comfortable environment and is not as much concerned with his responsibilities as a father, or his mother for that matter, rather his own self. NO ONE is that generous! Sorry, the bf is happy as pie to be where he is and does not want to move on. Who is paying the bills for his sons livlihood? I bet its not him.

[teko]

I just noticed this thread is from 08. I would imagine our advice is dead in the water now. I wonder how it all worked out!

[Miss_Direct]

Move in with him and his mum and built a life with ur partner its obvious you love him so do it for your child and get his mum to babysit while you go out with him.  If then it doesnt Work im sure he will move out with u xx  Good Luck xx

[Miss_Direct]

Move in with him and his mum and built a life with ur partner its obvious you love him so do it for your child and get his mum to babysit while you go out with him.  If then it doesnt Work im sure he will move out with u xx  Good Luck xx

[barbararicardi]

My situation is somewhat like yours. Me and my boyfriend had been together for 6 years now. A year ago, I moved in with him and his mother. At first we used to get along very well but then she started to complain about everything and talk BS about me to her friends. My boyfriend is in a wheelchair. He gets ssi but that's about 500 a month and I only have a part time job so it will be much difficult to rent a place and pay bills. We both are going to college but we are in our second year. He keeps saying that he won't move out until he can pay everything and do not have to depend on anyone. The relationship with his mom is worse day by day, I really don't know what to do. My mom wants me to move back home or rent a studio but I love my boyfriend and don't want to leave him.

[specialmom]

Hi,  my honest opinion?  I'd move back to your mom's or rent a studio and here is why.  I think it is really hard to live with a mother in law or mother of boyfriend.  Two women in a house can be hard.  And it puts a big straing on things.  LOTS of people would get on someone's nerves if they are forced to live together verses if they saw them socially.  

So, if you are serious about your boyfriend as a long term partner, why have a situation now that could create life long bad feelings between his mom and you?  You wouldn't be leaving your boyfriend . . .  he'd still be your boyfriend and you can still visit frequently or stay the night sometimes.  But you'd have your own place and it would make things much better between you and his mom.

So, I agree wtih YOUR mom on this one.  good luck

[barbararicardi]

Thanks for the advice. I just think that if I move back home, it will be harder for us to get a place later on. Plus I want a place to call my home and have my own stuff, I even bought some appliances and things when I get a place; going back to my moms won't solve anything cuz my brother, wife, and kid live there too... I thought by moving in with him was going to be great but it hasn't been all that great at all. I can't even use the stuff I buy, its all in our closet. Sometimes I think that if he wasn't in a wheelchair we could easily find a studio in a basement but sadly that's not the case. I love him for who he is and don't care about his disability.  Maybe if I get a place, he'll come with me?

He just started his own computer repair shop and hopefully soon he will start making good money... But as of now I'm seriously thinking about moving out somewhere else.  

[specialmom]

Well, of course, you have to do what is best for you.  I do think that this current living situation does  not sound best for you though.  Why totally ruin things with his mom?  You two may never recover from it and always have resentment for each other.  Makes family holidays a lot less fun down the road.  :>)  So if you can afford your own small place, awesome.  If you can't use your items and are storing them in a closet at your boyfriend's mom's house, what is the difference of storing them at your moms?  

Ideally you will get to a point to be financially secure and capable of living wherever you wish and afford it on your own and it sounds like you are working to get there.  But for now, you do the best you can.

Think of all your options including another roommate besides your boyfriend to share an apartment with.  He CAN come visit.  I never lived with my now husband before marriage----  we were still really close and saw each other a lot.  I just mention this so that you also know that your options could expand by realizing that you should find a place to be happy living on your own and then incorporate your boyfriend into that scenario.  
good luck

[lemonypips]

I have also been going through this situation recently . I was with my boyfriend for 18months . We split 4 months ago because of  his immaturity , he was practically living in my house not contributing , we never went out because if  we did i ended up paying  because he  needs his money to pay  bills and buy  food  at his mum.s where he lives . So i told him to get out and stay with his mum . He recently contacted me again and said that i was a control freak trying to stops him spending time with his mum etc , but he would forgive me if  i didn't do it again !!  after 2 days of  arguing he finally admitted that he will never leave his mother  because its his duty to take care of  her .  I knew that this was the case  all along and all the other stuff was rubbish ! He is 29 and i feel sad for him that he will never experience a full and happy relationship because of  a misplaced sense of  duty and the inability to stand up and be a man and tell his mum that he is leaving . Men like this never change and women like us  shouldn't have to wait around to be thrown crumbs .

[lemonypips]

I have also been going through this situation recently . I was with my boyfriend for 18months . We split 4 months ago because of  his immaturity , he was practically living in my house not contributing , we never went out because if  we did i ended up paying  because he  needs his money to pay  bills and buy  food  at his mum.s where he lives . So i told him to get out and stay with his mum . He recently contacted me again and said that i was a control freak trying to stops him spending time with his mum etc , but he would forgive me if  i didn't do it again !!  after 2 days of  arguing he finally admitted that he will never leave his mother  because its his duty to take care of  her .  I knew that this was the case  all along and all the other stuff was rubbish ! He is 29 and i feel sad for him that he will never experience a full and happy relationship because of  a misplaced sense of  duty and the inability to stand up and be a man and tell his mum that he is leaving . Men like this never change and women like us  shouldn't have to wait around to be thrown crumbs .

[barbararicardi]

That's true! But what if you are sure that he is the one? I know that the best thing for me to do would be to move out but I will miss him a lot. I'm so used to being around him... The problem here is not that he doesn't want to leave his mom, it's our economy issues. Hopefully soon we will be out of there so I won't have to see her face ever again!!

[specialmom]

Oh dear.  Well, you shouldn't marry someone that you never want to see their mother's face again.  That relationship would always have a cloud over it if you have that many bad feelings for his mother.  

Do you live with her as well?  I wouldn't if you do.  Find your own place and live there and he can visit you at your place.  If you have financial trouble, find a roommate or move home to your own parents.  good luck

[nursegirl6572]

I too hope your financial situation improcves so you can become more independent.  I WILL caution you, however....regarding the last thing you said above.

If you end up marrying this man...his Mom becomes your MIL.  You may not LIKE your in-laws, but you're stuck with them, and having a bad relationship with them will equal problems between you and hubby.  She's not going to go away, and you must accept that.  You'll likely see her at every holiday, at all of your kids' b-day parties, at the birth of those children...the list is long.

It would behoove you to learn how to tolerate her and get along with her NOW...so in the event you two get married, things will go a lot smoother.  I could give you lessons.  I've gotten great at smiling on the outside, and being gracious to my MIL when she offers her "advice", even though,  in my mind, I've got a voodoo doll in my hand that looks ironically a lot like her.  ;0)

Good luck!

[barbararicardi]

Hahaha... I didn't mean that! It's just that I feel so hurt by all the things she does so sometimes I just don't want to see her. I know if I want to marry my boyfriend I'll have to deal with his mom forever. Well anyways, I'll keep you guys posted whatever happens next :-)

[Restless_0ne]

I'm in a similar boat. My boyfriend and have been together for 14 years now.
9 years ago he and I move in to take care of his mother who is diabetic. He's the youngest of her 5 kids. Someone tell me why this is his responsibility alone, because we have been doing this for 9 years and the woman is making me crazy. We can't go out because the few times we have she gets in a foul mood. Everything has to be done her way and I have been treated like a faulty house hold appliance by his brothers.  My life consists of taking care of her every need while he works and playing on the computer which my boyfriends family gives me hell for. It's the only social life I have. I love my boyfriend and we have no. I have talked to him but he just sits there and apologies. How do I get through to him? I moved 4000 miles away from home to be with him and help her but I didn't want to be here for 9 years he says he didn't either. Even if I wanted to leave him which I don't where would I go? He has been my world for 14 years.

[freegirlnow]

"i feel sad for him that he will never experience a full and happy relationship because of  a misplaced sense of  duty and the inability to stand up and be a man and tell his mum that he is leaving . Men like this never change and women like us  shouldn't have to wait around to be thrown crumbs ." Perfectly put!
The bozo I was with felt like it was his investment, his mother's home! because he gave her a portion of his inheritence (money he did not earn) to save her from foreclosure. but never admitted that in the present time he was spending all of her earned money on all supplies, bills, and food.  He worked part time and lied to people saying he was head of the household and taking care of her, but the mother was the money maker and all he did was spend her money and live rent free as her household slave.
Anybody who is reading this that is in a similar situation listen carefully. GET OUT. I was in the same place, we lived with his mother, she was unbearable, insulting in a passive agressive way, needy, demanding; an all around awful person. No man or relationship is worth that. Get out while you can, your life will improve a thousand fold. Be strong, do not doubt yourself. You know what is right. You are in someone else's environment, and it is not always easy to see clearly. It is important to stay focused and on track with getting the hell out of there and start to live for yourself.