Aa
MY MAN IS A FOLLOWER...
My boyfriend hangs with these guys who always try to get him to do things that I don't approve of like clubbing every weekend, go to strip clubs. Etc...whenever his friends call him, he jumps to their command and leave me by myself. He's 21 and I'm 22. All I do is work and go home. I'm very mature for my age due to the fact that I always dated older guys...I don't know what to do in this situation because I never dated someone so young and wild...any advice??
Hi everyone -
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Thanks,
Emily
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Emily
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Lourdres gets my vote
and RockRose
and Mami
and all the others too. Don't be offended. You need to listen to these well intensioned observations. Sometimes we can learn from others - we don't have to always make our own mistakes. (it's the mature thing to do)
and RockRose
and Mami
and all the others too. Don't be offended. You need to listen to these well intensioned observations. Sometimes we can learn from others - we don't have to always make our own mistakes. (it's the mature thing to do)
princess, I agree with Londres, and I also think it would be much more cruel to have the wisdom of age and experience and come here and post positively about your situation.
Your statement that "we can only grow stronger from this point" is absolutely misguided. It's most likely your relationship will dissolve - and probably fairly quickly - and it's not cruel to give you a heads up about that. No more cruel than warning a snorkeler that there's a huge riptide up ahead.
You're right that not everyone is college material, but based on the fact that you are literate and can use a computer, certainly getting education about a trade (nursing assistant, bookkeeping, etc.) would be appropriate.
It isn't mature to decide at your age to take the huge step of becoming a mother with a partner who is totally unreliable. It's a sign of basically giving up on life, throwing your potential away and purposely creating a life of struggle for yourself.
I pray you can take the comments here that are meant to try to save you from a disheartening life in the spirit they are intended.
Your statement that "we can only grow stronger from this point" is absolutely misguided. It's most likely your relationship will dissolve - and probably fairly quickly - and it's not cruel to give you a heads up about that. No more cruel than warning a snorkeler that there's a huge riptide up ahead.
You're right that not everyone is college material, but based on the fact that you are literate and can use a computer, certainly getting education about a trade (nursing assistant, bookkeeping, etc.) would be appropriate.
It isn't mature to decide at your age to take the huge step of becoming a mother with a partner who is totally unreliable. It's a sign of basically giving up on life, throwing your potential away and purposely creating a life of struggle for yourself.
I pray you can take the comments here that are meant to try to save you from a disheartening life in the spirit they are intended.
So sorry you feel anything I stated was "cruel." It might have been something you didn't want to hear, but I wouldn't consider it cruel. I would consider it HONEST and my OPINION. You can take whatever advise you see fit for you to use and that might not necessarily be mine, which I can say is the case here. This is an OPEN forum and it is my right to post a response in accordance to the way I think or believe.
It isn't about coming here and agreeing with someone; it's about giving HONEST, sound advise/an opinion whether it be positive or negative "feedback." I don't know you to JUDGE you.
Plus, I stated things other posters stated as well.
Well, hope things work out in your favor.
It isn't about coming here and agreeing with someone; it's about giving HONEST, sound advise/an opinion whether it be positive or negative "feedback." I don't know you to JUDGE you.
Plus, I stated things other posters stated as well.
Well, hope things work out in your favor.
I understand your point completely but not ALL people my age wants to go clubbing, partying, etc...I have NEVER been the type that likes to do the things people my age do and not everybody is smart enough to go to college. Everyone is not college material. Growing up, my only dream was to be HAPPY with my own family, we all have different dreams and goals. Some things u said in your post was kind of cruel but I won't take it personal because you have NO IDEA what I been through or why I choose to settle down at this age. My bf and I are young yes and we have been together for a short period of time yes but we have been living together for a while so I know all his flaws. We can only grow stronger from this point. I'm not in a rush to have a child, j just want one before I die and only god knows when that time will come so I live in the moment...tomorrow is not promised to anyone. If I'm not pregnant, I won't try anymore. I made this plan but I DON'T believe in birth control due to personal issues involving that. You never know what a person goes through and the best thing to do is give POSITIVE advice not make someone feel bad but thanks to everyone who gave me POSITIVE feedback without judging me by my age
Definitely sounds like you all have been through alot in a short period of time, however, I will agree with TTinKKerBBell that this relationship is moving too fast and might not be ideal for you in the long run. I am not sure what the rush is all about. You have been together less than a year and talking babies? TTink also brought up alot of other good points.
One of the biggest concerns is that he is a "follower." Regardless of why he is a follower, i.e. growing up without a father, this situation is still concerning. Plus, this behavior is more typical of someone immature and young.
"Old habits are difficult to break" meaning his changes may not last long and he is so young. It is great he is trying to better himself, but does that mean he is ready for fatherhood........I am NOT so sure about that.
I would just relax, take things slow and see what happens between you two before bringing a child into the picture if you are intending on staying with this guy, which you have made it clear you are.
I am shocked about the mindset of young adults nowadays. Back when I was your age things were so different....well......things have definitely changed. Young people should be dating, establishing their careers, going to college/university and having fun; basically just finding out who they are before choosing a mate to seriously settle down with and have babies. That's my opinion though.
Hope things work out in your favor and keep us posted.
One of the biggest concerns is that he is a "follower." Regardless of why he is a follower, i.e. growing up without a father, this situation is still concerning. Plus, this behavior is more typical of someone immature and young.
"Old habits are difficult to break" meaning his changes may not last long and he is so young. It is great he is trying to better himself, but does that mean he is ready for fatherhood........I am NOT so sure about that.
I would just relax, take things slow and see what happens between you two before bringing a child into the picture if you are intending on staying with this guy, which you have made it clear you are.
I am shocked about the mindset of young adults nowadays. Back when I was your age things were so different....well......things have definitely changed. Young people should be dating, establishing their careers, going to college/university and having fun; basically just finding out who they are before choosing a mate to seriously settle down with and have babies. That's my opinion though.
Hope things work out in your favor and keep us posted.
The reason why your boyfriend wants to go out isn't because he's a follower, it's because he's 21 and wants to have fun. I'm not sure why you both chose to get pregnant. I think it's because you think having a baby is cute. I'm not trying to say this to be mean but having a child is difficult as is without adding in the immaturity factor. Plus, you two have only been together for a short amount of time and even though it seems like you've been through SO much in 8 months, you really haven't. You still are in the beginning phases of a relationship. So much more happens in life that 8 months is only a millisecond in comparison. You barely know eachother and then adding a baby inot this mix is going to really add to the stress of your relationship. I'm glad you sat down and talked things through but I hate to say it but he will probably resent the fact that you make him stay home. He will see all his friends going out and honestly, at 21, that's what you should be doing. Going out and having fun. Which is what a lot of men like to do. I only hope that if you aren't pregnant, that you take the time to really enjoy your relationship. Babies change the dynamic of a relationship and unless you are a solid couple, it will be a struggle.
You have only been with Him 8 months??!!!! Only 4 months at the 1st pregnancy!!!! To purposely plan a pregnancy is not a "mature" (your word)decision after ONLY 8 months!! with a boyfriend!! who hasn't had time yet to show/prove He's prepared to settle down!!
Please, if You're not already pregnant, reconsider this plan. You, He AND MOST IMPORTANTLY a BABY deserves a more secure future than what You've portrayed here. And it will take more time than this to see if He's able (wants) to provide this. Love doesn't "just" happen - it is a CHOICE and it takes TIME. If You keep Your eyes wide open and pay good attention You have the ability (and the smarts) to choose a good partner for YourSelf and a good Daddy for Your baby(ies). You are still very young. There is no hurry. Slow down. Take Your time.
Please, if You're not already pregnant, reconsider this plan. You, He AND MOST IMPORTANTLY a BABY deserves a more secure future than what You've portrayed here. And it will take more time than this to see if He's able (wants) to provide this. Love doesn't "just" happen - it is a CHOICE and it takes TIME. If You keep Your eyes wide open and pay good attention You have the ability (and the smarts) to choose a good partner for YourSelf and a good Daddy for Your baby(ies). You are still very young. There is no hurry. Slow down. Take Your time.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, good luck. I think that relationships are a little harder when a couple doesn't see eye to eye on things such as how they socialize but from experience, if you have a partner that makes you most important and both of you will compromise, you can be happy. My husband and I actually compliment each other. We get the best of both worlds.
If your boyfriend was responsive to the discussion and realizes that his actions weren't working for the relationship to stay strong and will attempt to put friends second to you, that would be good. Time will tell if he's the kind of guy that can do that or not. And with a baby on the way possibly, he'll have more motivation to be around.
I do want to warn you that babies do put a lot of stress on a relationship. They are wonderful but many a couple actually find it even harder to connect once they've had a baby. Plan for this beforehand so that it doesn't happen to you two.
And I will say, although not asked, that if you are not pregnant, I'd wait a while before trying again so that you can see if he can be the kind of man you want him to be. You want a LONG term relationship and being sure that you two can be on the same page about the partying would be important for this relationship to go the distance. good luck and peace
If your boyfriend was responsive to the discussion and realizes that his actions weren't working for the relationship to stay strong and will attempt to put friends second to you, that would be good. Time will tell if he's the kind of guy that can do that or not. And with a baby on the way possibly, he'll have more motivation to be around.
I do want to warn you that babies do put a lot of stress on a relationship. They are wonderful but many a couple actually find it even harder to connect once they've had a baby. Plan for this beforehand so that it doesn't happen to you two.
And I will say, although not asked, that if you are not pregnant, I'd wait a while before trying again so that you can see if he can be the kind of man you want him to be. You want a LONG term relationship and being sure that you two can be on the same page about the partying would be important for this relationship to go the distance. good luck and peace
Thanks you guys, I really needed that advice. I sat him down and we talked things out. My bf was raised by only his mom and she wasn't able to succeed at teaching him how to be a man so he tends to follow his friends but I'm trying to be patient and supportive with him. We been through so much that I just can't walk away because of this. Besides that issue, he's the best bf I've ever had...I had a miscarriage in October 2011 and my doctor put me on provera and letrozole to get pregnant again and o think I'm 3 weeks pregnant now(having symptoms) this would be both of our first child...my bf and I had our own apt together back in November but he was robbed and shot by someone in the complex so we moved out and is now living with his mom until we find a house since I'm terrified of apartments now...we have been through so much together and we've only been dating for 8 months. I honestly don't think I'll let him go because of hid issues because he is trying to change and I'm proud of him for that. Since our talk, he hasn't been out...but u thank everyone for the amazing advice..I downloaded this pregnancy app on my phone to this site and I'm glad I did, you guys are awesome!!!
Baby or no baby, you would be better off finding someone who is more settled (mature) and definitely not following and doing what his "pals" say to do; jumping at their "beck and call"; someone like yourself. Don't waste anymore time on this.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, this is a broad and general statement--- I'm such a big fan of relationships being well established and with a strong foundation before the subject of having a child comes up. Everyone has to do things their own way in life but it seems to me lots of issues could be avoided if we get the relationship solid and both partners on the same page before that step is taken.
So, something for the poster to consider although she did not ask in this post. Luck to her in working this out or moving on whichever way it goes.
So, something for the poster to consider although she did not ask in this post. Luck to her in working this out or moving on whichever way it goes.
Nope, no mistake about the baby comments.
The posts pertaining to trying to conceive are in the Pregnancy October 2012 babies Forum and the poster's journal entries. It's there.
The posts pertaining to trying to conceive are in the Pregnancy October 2012 babies Forum and the poster's journal entries. It's there.
COMMUNITY LEADER
ha, you are right Anna---- I guess someone else mentioned that she might be trying to have a baby with him and we all went with it. Babies do tend to complicate already complex situations.
Peace to our poster and lots of good thoughts here I must say.
Peace to our poster and lots of good thoughts here I must say.
It sounds to me like your man does not understand compromise. Everything has its limits and I hope you can be a little harder when it comes to setting boundaries. Him wanting to go out and be with his friends does not automatically makes him a bad guy or a half *** boyfriend, it just makes him someone who goes too far at times. In my opinion he's a bit immature and the fact that you are level headed, the situation worse.
Have a talk with him, see if he will be willing to change and actually TRY to do so. You also must accept that change does not happen over night and not turn red on him when he falls into old patterns. You may just point it out gently. If he is not willing to change then the decision as to whether or not you can handle this until he decides to grow up is up to you.
I am not so sure as to where this baby story came from as I have not read such a thing in your post. However, if you are indeed trying to make a baby then I may say that at such a time, while your guy is still trying to "find himself", may not be such a wonderful idea. Babies are hard work as I am sure someone as mature as you know. You must ask yourself if you will be willing to assume the role of mother and father as your boyfriend is nowhere near ready. You will have to take on plenty responsibilities while your man prowls the night with his buds. I had to so this when i just had my daughter. Her father was really dumb -___- (LOL) His idea of parenthood was dropping by when he felt like to give her stuff, keep for a day and then drop her home by evening to go to the next hit strip with his friends. I had to stay up with her, be her nurse and doctor, playmate everything. Many nights I literally cried for sleep from being so tired. So do not be hasty in your decision. Sure he came around but nothing can replace those sleepless nights.
Have a good, decent talk and I hope it works out. Take care!
Anna
Have a talk with him, see if he will be willing to change and actually TRY to do so. You also must accept that change does not happen over night and not turn red on him when he falls into old patterns. You may just point it out gently. If he is not willing to change then the decision as to whether or not you can handle this until he decides to grow up is up to you.
I am not so sure as to where this baby story came from as I have not read such a thing in your post. However, if you are indeed trying to make a baby then I may say that at such a time, while your guy is still trying to "find himself", may not be such a wonderful idea. Babies are hard work as I am sure someone as mature as you know. You must ask yourself if you will be willing to assume the role of mother and father as your boyfriend is nowhere near ready. You will have to take on plenty responsibilities while your man prowls the night with his buds. I had to so this when i just had my daughter. Her father was really dumb -___- (LOL) His idea of parenthood was dropping by when he felt like to give her stuff, keep for a day and then drop her home by evening to go to the next hit strip with his friends. I had to stay up with her, be her nurse and doctor, playmate everything. Many nights I literally cried for sleep from being so tired. So do not be hasty in your decision. Sure he came around but nothing can replace those sleepless nights.
Have a good, decent talk and I hope it works out. Take care!
Anna
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, and I must clarify. My post sounds a little like having a child made my husband a different man. He was always a man that put family, relationship first------ but he is that guy who loves a big party and I'm the woman that loves to go to the movies. So, we meet in the middle. He ALWAYS met me in the middle and we both were okay with what the other liked/wanted to do. He's the kind of dad I knew he'd be and that is why I married him.
But didn't want to give the impression that having a child will turn a man that has partying and friends as a top priority into a family man!
good luck
But didn't want to give the impression that having a child will turn a man that has partying and friends as a top priority into a family man!
good luck
Will agree with harlie09 and TinKKerBBell.
I wouldn't EVEN consider having a baby with this man since clubbing is a high priority on his list. Babies don't change boys into men or a "clubbing" men into a "stay at home" man. Things would get worse for you in my opinion. Instead of working and coming home, you would be doing that PLUS the responsibility of a child/baby; nothing easy to do. Children should NEVER be used to "fix" or "change" a relationship or someone.
Think LONG AND HARD about what qualities and characters you value in a man and in a relationship that you want. Trying to change a person to fit into your idea of a man usually DOESN'T work.
I wouldn't EVEN consider having a baby with this man since clubbing is a high priority on his list. Babies don't change boys into men or a "clubbing" men into a "stay at home" man. Things would get worse for you in my opinion. Instead of working and coming home, you would be doing that PLUS the responsibility of a child/baby; nothing easy to do. Children should NEVER be used to "fix" or "change" a relationship or someone.
Think LONG AND HARD about what qualities and characters you value in a man and in a relationship that you want. Trying to change a person to fit into your idea of a man usually DOESN'T work.
Hey,
I'm almost 25 and have always dated people older then me, until my last relationship where he was my age. I have to say that although he was a WONDERFUL boyfriend and and amazing person, the maturity difference eventually did us in.
Little things that I thought I would eventually get over or would eventually change ended up becoming the center of the relationship because I kept on getting more an more frustrated that I wasn't able to get him to change them. It was hard and took a lot of thinking through but I eventually decided that what I wanted; marriage and kids, wasn't something that he was going to be able to provide happily for me anytime soon.
Someone shouldn't have to change who they are completely to make their partner happy. I've dated a few men that have been SO GOOD except for that ONE THING and let me tell you, that one little thing can do a lot of damage.
Now if that one thing that bothers you is his partying and strip club adventures, I would personally sit down and talk to him and explain how it makes you feel and why it's a problem. I wouldn't hold my breath for it to change though, especially if his friends have such power over him. If you are at the stage where you guy are thinking of having a baby together, his focus should NOT be on going out and partying.
If he does these things to make his friends happy then he should be able to NOT do them, to make you, the woman who he's planning on having a child with, happy.
I've dated party animal guys, one of them is 35 now and he is still doing it. I learned from those relationships and now I specifically look for someone who dislikes the club atmosphere as much as I do. It's something that I haven't had luck changing in a man but that's just personal experience and everyone is different and some people mature at different ages and prioritize different things at different stages of their lives.
Best of luck, keep us updated :)
I'm almost 25 and have always dated people older then me, until my last relationship where he was my age. I have to say that although he was a WONDERFUL boyfriend and and amazing person, the maturity difference eventually did us in.
Little things that I thought I would eventually get over or would eventually change ended up becoming the center of the relationship because I kept on getting more an more frustrated that I wasn't able to get him to change them. It was hard and took a lot of thinking through but I eventually decided that what I wanted; marriage and kids, wasn't something that he was going to be able to provide happily for me anytime soon.
Someone shouldn't have to change who they are completely to make their partner happy. I've dated a few men that have been SO GOOD except for that ONE THING and let me tell you, that one little thing can do a lot of damage.
Now if that one thing that bothers you is his partying and strip club adventures, I would personally sit down and talk to him and explain how it makes you feel and why it's a problem. I wouldn't hold my breath for it to change though, especially if his friends have such power over him. If you are at the stage where you guy are thinking of having a baby together, his focus should NOT be on going out and partying.
If he does these things to make his friends happy then he should be able to NOT do them, to make you, the woman who he's planning on having a child with, happy.
I've dated party animal guys, one of them is 35 now and he is still doing it. I learned from those relationships and now I specifically look for someone who dislikes the club atmosphere as much as I do. It's something that I haven't had luck changing in a man but that's just personal experience and everyone is different and some people mature at different ages and prioritize different things at different stages of their lives.
Best of luck, keep us updated :)
COMMUNITY LEADER
So, my dear husband has a different personality than me. He likes to go "out", I like to stay "in". He has these single friends that like to do things single guys do which is their right. My husband was expected to be the 'wing man' and didn't mind the job. I'm super independent and have all of my own things I do so really didnt mind his going out and what not as I trusted him. Then we married. My perception of what was okay and what wasn't changed. I then expected him to be home by midnight. I mean, what does a married man need to do in a bar past midnight? Nothing. I told him that I can't sleep until he gets home so it isn't fair for him to be out late. I set a boundary. I also want you to know that my husband always made it clear that I was welcome to join him out and that he'd LIKE me to go. I never felt like he had a double life and didn't want me to be a part of it. He's a faithful kind of guy.
Anyway, with those boundaries set, we went on with him going out occasionally with his guy friends (not to strip clubs, my husband isn't fond of those). Then, we had a child. Oh, how my husband's world changed! He's not been out with a single guy friend in years. He's not been to a night club type place in eons. He may go to a sporting event with some buddies or an occasional happy hour and has a once a year guy's weekend. But otherwise, he's with his family.
But my guy told me all along he was a family man and I never had any worries that he'd make bad choices.
Your guy sounds semi immature and that you two are at different places in your life. Because------ you've probably told him that you'd rather he not do all of this going out and going to strip clubs, and he still wants to. That is not being respectful or caring about what your partner wants.
And--- I can also tell you that it still comes up that I am a home body and he wants to go out in terms of how we spend our free time as a couple. How he wants to spend our time can be a little different than how I want to and we must work out compromises. If you think that will be difficult than him, find another home body to be with.
good luck (oh, and a baby would NOT be good right now.)
Anyway, with those boundaries set, we went on with him going out occasionally with his guy friends (not to strip clubs, my husband isn't fond of those). Then, we had a child. Oh, how my husband's world changed! He's not been out with a single guy friend in years. He's not been to a night club type place in eons. He may go to a sporting event with some buddies or an occasional happy hour and has a once a year guy's weekend. But otherwise, he's with his family.
But my guy told me all along he was a family man and I never had any worries that he'd make bad choices.
Your guy sounds semi immature and that you two are at different places in your life. Because------ you've probably told him that you'd rather he not do all of this going out and going to strip clubs, and he still wants to. That is not being respectful or caring about what your partner wants.
And--- I can also tell you that it still comes up that I am a home body and he wants to go out in terms of how we spend our free time as a couple. How he wants to spend our time can be a little different than how I want to and we must work out compromises. If you think that will be difficult than him, find another home body to be with.
good luck (oh, and a baby would NOT be good right now.)
Unless he changes the relationship will get more toxic.Is this the type of relationship you want.You should be his main focus not his friends.How would he like it if the situation were reversed,he wouldn't I'm sure.I think you both need to sit down and talk this over and if he is not willing to change his ways for you then you have to ask yourself is he really the one.All the best.
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