Making the same mistakes/Afraid to be alone

[fandf]

Hello. I have posted on here several times before. I am making all kinds of mistakes right now. I don't know if it is because of the pain that I am feeling from my divorce or if it is because of leaving the guy I was having an affair with in my marriage. It's like a double whammy. My husband left me, and I left the affair. I obviously should have done this a long time ago, but I did not. Now, I am trying to latch myself back on to the guy I had an affair with and get him back because I am alone and very scared of being alone. For almost four years, I had two men in my life. When I felt alone in my marriage, metaphorically, I would go to the other. Then, karma caught up with me, and now I am very much alone. I don't see an end in sight. I feel like I am doomed to be alone forever because I am a bad person for what I did. I really don't have any friends. They all left a long time ago. I just go to work to come home and sit there like a bump on a log. I have been sleeping with my ex affair guy out of desperation to get him back. The crazy part is that he is a really bad guy. He is abusive. He is a convict. He is a sex offender. I have such low standards in my life that I just keep going back to this loser. Like, how can YOU not love ME? No matter what I did. When I know that being with him would mean the end of everything for me. My family would desert me because they cannot agree with being with a registered sex offender. My brain tells me that I know all of this. My gaping heart that is lonlier than anything is telling me to keep sleeping with him. AGGHHH>

[brice1967]

The thing with mistakes is, we should always learn something from them.  Everybody makes them.  Some learn quicker than others.  Some folks tend not to learn.  I don't see you as one of those people because you've identified the problem/problems.

Something I would try is to find some good time when there isn't much going on, and take a good long look at yourself.  Kind of take an "inventory" of what you've got to offer, what you need to be happy, what you've got that makes you happy.... and write all of this down.  Be honest... brutally honest.  Write down the things that you do not like as well.

It's like a pro and con list about yourself and your life.  The con's are all changeable.  It will take some work, but I think you need to find a bit of self confidence.  I think you need to look at the positive things you've done and hold them close and work on changing any of the cons.

It's doable.

[AnnieBrooke]

Instead of going to work and going home and sitting like a bump on a log, go to work and then go to a therapist's, and talk about what you are doing.  Go two times a week if you need to, but go.

[brice1967]

I don't think you're a bad person.  I think you made some ill thought decisions and it is those decisions that keep haunting you.  Fact is, you can't take the affair back.  What happened, happened and what happened after that is also done.

You've identified the current problem, and that is the first step in addressing it.  If this person is an abuser and you think so lowly of him, quit making an excuse for trying to be with him.  

If your health and your family are not motivation enough to stay away from this guy, I don't know what is.  Your interaction with him destroyed your marriage.... that alone is a horrible start.  Don't allow this person to continue to dictate what happens in YOUR life.