Marriage Advice when things are ugly!

[suicidequeen]

Hi all. I wanted to say first and foremost that I am not really a "new" member on here. I created this profile because I do not want to reveal my identity under the circumstances. Any advice is appreciated!

my husband and I got into a huge argument this morning and things really escalated. I went a little overboard, as did he. I told him to leave and proceeded to throw every article of clothing he owns onto the floor. He (at this point, early into the argument) wasn't really arguing back yet. My temper got the best of me and I started saying and doing things that were completely out of character. I hit him several times and when I got no reaction, I told him I kissed another man. I know how he feels about cheating, and the kiss never even took place, but I said it did. The next thing I know, I was on the floor and my husband hit me on the side of the face. He's never hit me before and he isn't the type that likes confrontation, but I guess I got what I wanted...a reaction, although not quite the reaction I was looking for. We have been having problems for a while now but we have been trying to work through them together. I'm not so sure if it's going to work, and I know this one is my fault. I said some pretty mean things to him. Things I probably wouldn't even say to someone I actually hated.

I know that I have some built up anger and resentment and why I chose to act out this way, I do not know. I should not have hit him and I really wish he didn't hit me back, but I feel I deserved it. I usually wouldn't say that a woman deserves to be hit under any circumstances, but I really had it coming and was surprised it didn't happen earlier in the argument.

so now here I am, upset, depressed, crying, hurt and angry at myself. No clue where my marriage is headed and how in the world I would make it on my own if I had to.

i suppose I don't really have a question, just some support and advice would be helpful.

Thank you!

[iam1butterfly]

Interesting that you feel that you "deserved" getting hit.
I'm just wondering... this "built up anger and resentment" that you have?
... is it towards your husband, or yourself?

[vmvnpv]

Do you think marriage counseling would help?  You say you guys have been trying to work through it on you own but most marriages usually need an unbiased third person to work through the problems.  Also, individual counseling is definitely something you should do.  It will help you figure out why you are so resentful and why you go overboard during arguments.  Lying being one of the issues.  Both of you sound like you need anger management.  If the marriage isn't going to work I still strongly suggest you do individual therapy and go to anger management to help prevent incidences like this in the future.  Also to keep you safe (which I gather, from your name, you may not be right now).

[Judy246]

It's really important not to let our tempers get the best of us, because in a moment of anger, we say and do things that have long term consequences, including a police record for domestic violence and assult. You both verbally and physically abused each other and once you lift your hand to physically hurt your partner, the relationship is pretty much doomed. It has become violent and dysfunctional.

What I dont't understand is why would you intentionally want to hurt him by accusing yourself of infidelity if it really did not happened? I don't get that...something is very wrong here.  Do you realize what you have done? Relationships are based on mutual love, trust and respect and you have taken that in a split second and destroyed your marriage. Yes, destroyed, because he will never trust you again, the chances that he might turn around and be come unfaithful in huge and he will never look at you or feel the same way about you again.

You wanted a reaction, well you got it in the most negative way. Why did you not just walk away until the situation calmed downed a bit and with all do respect and I don't mean to offend you, but your behavior and your rasionale was immature. You could have later when things calmed down, talk with him calmly like two adults, but you both took it to a level that is now violent.

You need to communicate effectively with him. I think you owe him an apology. You both owe each other an apology. You need marriage counseling and you need to deal with you anger (anger management counseling), because you seem to be a walking time bomb and you are lashing out in a very distructive way. NEVER raise your hand towards anyone, least the person who loves you the most.

I wish you the very best of luck and you can always set an appointment with your church priest (if you have a religious denomination), who is trained to advise couples in this type of situation. Best of luck.

[mami1323]

What exactly made you so mad that you went as far as lying to your husband about kissing another man?  You have caused a problem in your marriage that didn't need to exist.  Trust is extremely important and even if it's untrue, it's a lie no less and he is now stuck questioning your faithfulness and commitment.  How does he know it's untrue?  Even if you told him you said it to hurt him, how could he know what's true and what's not true?  You basically opened up pandora's box with this.  Physical violence from either the female or male is unacceptable.  I've been there with my fiance because of anger and resentment I hit him during numerous fights and wound up hating myself for letting it get that far.  He never once raised his hand back but I once threw a shampoo bottle at his back and really hurt him and that was it.  I knew it was wrong and it hurt me to know that I could lose all control over my emotions that way.  You both need help in this relationship.  It's hard to fix problems in general and now you added a few more.  If you want to make this work you will need counseling to get through it and to learn communication skills so that this kind of incident wouldn't repeat itself.  Good luck.

[SeriousSam]

Did you fail to catch that she hit her husband first?

I would try anger management, and marriage counseling or at tthe very least psychotherapy.  If you love your husband all your doing with this bear baiting is setting him up to ruin HIS life over the long term.

You are doing the psychological variation of throwing yourself in front of a truck to commit suicide.  You get others to do to you what you think you deserve but they get all the legal punishments, eroding of trust, potential bitterness, and resentment and distrust towards other women in future relationships,

If it helps remember what Isaac Isamov said "Violence is the last resort of the incompetent".

[iam1butterfly]

to SeriousSam:
No, I caught the sequence of events.
Who hit who, and the order in which the blow up occurred.
You failed to catch the salient point of my drift... no matter.
The question wasn't directed to you.

to suicidequeen:
I would still submit to you, why the anger?
why the resentment?... (which, is a managed form of hate).
I know that you wanted to pull "a reaction " (which, was accomplished)
from a man who "...isn't the type who likes confrontation..."
Is just seems sad and disturbing that you would have to resort to telling you husband that you kissed another man (something that never happened) and that you felt compelled to strike him in order to get his attention.
I'm just wondering what the underlying issues are that would create this painfully destructive outburst to emerge.
I also find your chosen user name, "suicidequeen" worrisome.

[jo929]

I notice you do not say how long you have been married. or if you have children, so i am assuming that you are a young couple, it sounds like you want attention, and i beleive that you got it, but you went about it the wrong way.  luck  jo

[suicidequeen]

Thank you to everyone who responded. to shed a little bit of light about what led to all of this. we had been arguing over a series of events and in my opinion, it wasn't resolved. I still had some resentment and had we communicated more, I think all of this would have been avoided. Let this be a lesson to us all! a marriage without communication is pretty much pointless.

I do know the damage I could have caused by saying I kissed another man when I didn't. I couldn't believe those words even came out of my mouth! He had hurt me and I wanted to hurt him just as bad. It was wrong of me and I did apologize. I apologized for all of it and so did he. We talked through it ALL and things have really looked up for us which makes me very very happy. The last thing in the world I want or need is to lose my family. Counseling is definitely in the works, together and separately. I have felt that I have needed it for a while anyway and by my actions, I am so ashamed and saddened by my behavior. It has played over and over in my head like a television show rerun. what I wouldn't give to be able to turn the clock back...



P.S. The screen name I chose has absolutely nothing to do with any of this (as stated under my "mood"). Thanks everyone for your feedback. It helps me see where I am going wrong and there isn't anything better than an outside view because there are no attachments to cloud those views.

[teko]

Hitting In my opinion is a form of control, no matter who is doing it. If I ever raised a hand to my husband, I probably would not live to talk about it! It is an unspoken rule at our house but we both know, not a boundary either of us want to breach. Once that happens, in my opinion, you might as well be on your way out the door.

[suicidequeen]

I am not usually a violent person so all of this was a shock to me. My husband had done something prior to all of this, and  our marriage took a pretty big hit. We had talked most of it out but I still had some unresolved feelings and I know that is where it all came from. Doesn't make it right for me to hit him or any of the other things I did. I wish I had went to him with those feelings but at the time I felt I couldn't talk to him. We weren't right. I always try to at least learn from my mistakes and do my best not to make the same one over and over again, so I will definitely remember all the pain of this should it ever happen again. I pray it doesn't! And I pray our marriage will get back on track the way it used to be. The way it was years ago when everyone around us was envious of our relationship. We both still have that love for each other and I am optimistic that everything will be okay.

[iam1butterfly]

You've got the right attitude.
Consider everything that happened as a valuable learning experience.
And, grow... from it.

[vmvnpv]

Good for you guys but I really think that marriage counseling is a must.  When something like that happens the chances of it happening again are great.  I think an unbiased third person can help both of you get to the bottom of the issues you guys have been arguing about.  Good luck!