Relationships Community
Marriage-what's a good age for it?
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Marriage-what's a good age for it?

Ok I am not married, engaged, or considering it anytime soon, as I am in my very early 20's, but I have been thinking about this lately since I keep hearing about people I knew back in high school getting married.  As a general discussion, what do you think is a good age to get married?  How young is too young, and why?  Anyone on here get married young and have a healthy, lasting marriage?  I would love to hear everyone's personal experiences and/or opinions on this.  Just curious.  :)
Related Discussions
18 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Wait...I'd say 30 or more. It sounds cliche' , but honestly priorities, life principles and outlooks (everything) really does change from 20 to 30. Usually by 30 you have finished college, settled into a career, learned to somewhat manage your finances and may be in a position to really decide to have and support children. If you meet someone in your 20's, continue to date until close to 30. If you still seem suited well for eachother, then marry. There's so many different kind of men/women out there. Experience that! And take that time to find out what feels really good to you.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I'm in mid-twenties and and am having success in my relationship and life in general. I really think that it depends on the people, their situation and their personal beliefs. In general though I would say late twenties or thirties at the earliest. Not as a rule but from what I've seen with friends and peers, most people who marry at a very young age lack stabilty in their marraige and life.
Blank
164559_tn?1233711618
I don't think there is any magic age.  I married at 35.  That was when I was ready and when the right person entered my life.

I have friends who married very young and have made a success of it.

I think the key is to pursue the life you want, education, career, etc and then when the right person comes along you will know it.
Blank
154765_tn?1237251544
I got married when I was 24 the guy I was with since high school.Im 34 yrs now still married to him I think it doesn't matter how old you are when the right one comes along.........
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I'm glad I got some good responses on this!  I think some of you are right when you say it depends on the people, but I think when people get married at 18 or 19 it's way too early!  I'm sure you'd all of you would most likely agree with that. But I think some people can have a successful marriage if they marry in their mid-twenties, just depends on the people.  Any one else wanna put in their 2 cents?  =)
Blank
203342_tn?1328740807
I agree. I think 18 or 19 is too young. When my sister got married, they were 18 and 19 years old. He was her first serious boyfriend. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to want to give up his single ways, even after they had two kids in four years. He was cheating on my sister since almost right after the honeymoon. When she found out and finally got up the courage, she filed for divorce. She still loved him so it was hard. She was divorced with a 2 year old and a 4 year old at the age of 25. It was quite a struggle for her as a single mom with no real real education (they dropped out of college in their first year to get married).

My aunt on the other hand, got married at the age of 17 (because he was going off to war and they wanted to get married before he left), he was 21. She had 3 babies in three years. It was hard for her and she almost left him a few times, but they made it work and they loved each other deeply till the day he died at the age of 59. However, she'd be the first to say not to get married so young. It's just so hard. She tried to warn my sister but she didn't listen to her.

I got married at the age of 22 and had a baby at 23 and I actually think I was too young! I was still pretty immature then. If I had to do it all over again, I'd have waited until I was 30. But then again, I wouldn't have this terrific kid who just graduated last year! Like some of the others said, it all depends on the person and their maturity level. I think everyone should get their education over with first and get a career established first. I also don't think it's a good idea to move from mom and dad's home to getting married! I think everyone should know what it's like to live on their own first. That's just my opinion!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I think it depends on the people.  Some people meet the right person and are mature enough to handle the commitment of marriage so that getting married at 19 or 20 is great for them.   Then, I've known people that get married in their 40's and it only lasts a year.  Marriage is harder than people think.  It really takes being mature enough to talk things out and want to stick with someone during the bad times as well as the good times.  It takes a lot actually but it can be well worth it.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I would really agree with the maturity people have when answering this because I agree that there is not a magical age or rule.  I myself got married at 19- I always knew I would marry young and would not need to date long to make a decision.  So here I am.  I don't feel that being young puts me at a disadvantage, and if I had to do it over again, I'd do it the same way.  There are definitely ups and downs, but that is to be expected whether you are 20 or 45.  
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
To "ItsDoug"-Please do not spam these forums, it's very irritating.  And if you're going to, it would be nice if your post actually made sense, rather than typing a bunch of gibberish. Thanks.  And to everyone else, thank you for your responses!  I agree with April2 about getting a career established first, I also agree with her that you shouldn't move directly from mom and dad's to moving in with a husband, or even boyfriend for that matter.  I'm 21 and I still live at home, and my mom has always told me this is not a good idea, and I agree.  I think it's good to live on your own (or with a friend) for at least a little bit, and this is what I plan on doing.  Even if it's only for a short time, say 6 months, I think it's important for people (especially women) to not feel dependent on a man at a young age.  To BearHitch, do you mind if I ask how long you've been married?  I personally wouldn't get married at your age but everyone's different, some people are ready for it sooner than others, I'm glad to hear that you've had a successful marriage thus far, from what I hear marriage is not as easy as it looks!  So for you to be mature enough for it at that age is awesome.  I don't know, getting married at ANY age seems somewhat scary to me, this county's divorce rate is just not encouraging haha..
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Don't mind at all!  Not quite a success story of people who have been together for decads... so not too long, only 1 year, but we had a lot of things we agreed on before getting married, such as the word "divorce" would not come up during fights and such.  Obviously, if I were being physically abused or something, that word would be executed- but there are no worries of that happening.  And no, marriage is not as easy as it looks... at all.  I've always been called an old young person, so maybe that's why at my age I was ready when others wouldn't be ready to settle down.  I've never been a partier or anything, so when people told me how restricted I would be, I just explained to them that I don't live the way they do.  As you said, every person and couple is different... and our divorce rate is scary!  Marriage and love, in my opinion, are a daily choice that needs made.  You don't always feel "in love" with your partner :)  
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I am 28 years old and have been married for 5 years. I got married when i was 23 and of course we had our fights and disagreements but now that i look back i would have done it all over agian. I also lived with my husband before we married, and it was the best decision ever. Couples get a taste for marriage if you live together first, if you cant stand to live with the person after a few monthes or so then marriage will not work out very well. You learn a whole new side of the guy your wanting to get married too. Thank god the things I absolutly hated and raked my nerves to the pulling out my hair point was out weighted by the endless days of late night movie nights and candle lit dinners for two in a quiet house. i think it depends on the maturity of the couple and the capatibility of them. i met my hubby in high school and knew witnin 6 months of our dating that he would one day be my husband. So I would really say at least finish the things you want to do in your childhood/teen years that you would not be able to do once married, then focus on the joys and accomplishments that come along with marriage. I hope you have found that special someone and have a blessed and special moments filled marriage! Words to the wise: Pick your battles Wisely!!!
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
I don't know that there's a specific age.  

Used to be,  girls were ready for marriage at 16,  and boys at 18.  This has changed now,  and I wouldn't recommend anyone getting married before the age of 21 -  might be making a mistake.

The thing is,  each partner needs to be ready to embrace their spouse, AND embrace both families.  Both partners need to be forward thinking,  and think their marriage out for several generations ahead.

We've become a little childish society where people just marry and divorce and expect the kids of the other partner to be more mature than the adults,  which doesn't bode well for the next generation.

Here's the thing.  If you want to marry forever,  and raise your children and embrace your ancestors and your partner's ancestors,  you're old enough.

If you're 50 and you still can't do those things,  don't marry.




Blank
202705_tn?1202928147
i was got married at 19! and honestly i would do it all over again. we've been married almost 12 years and have three beautiful children (2boys, 8&4 -1girl, 1yr). i had my first baby at 22, so we had three years all to ourselves, we did EVERYTHING, traveled, partied, i went to school (got my bachelors) and we bought a house. our lives changed completely w/ our first son, it was hard at first but now that i look back, it was the best think that could've ever happened to us. like my mom says, it settled us down.

a little history - we dated for two years (high school sweetheart), went to prom together, our first trip was to wisconsin dells right after prom  :-), we went w/ my older sister and her in-laws.
we broke up for about four months (it was suppose to be at least six) during those two years, because of my mom's advice, she thought that we needed time apart, fine i listened and told him that we needed a break, those four months were the worst of my life. i knew that i had found the ONE, even at that early age i knew that he was the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. i missed him terribly... we dated another year and decided to get married (of course, my mom was not at all happy, she even thought i was pregnant and my brother lectured me for about a week) but, nothing anybody said changed our minds. we got married at city hall nothing fancy. we got our own apartment and lived there for about two years, then we bought our little castle (that's what i call it). i always wanted a big wedding and he knew that and always told me that he would give me one. three years ago he did! we were married by church and had a huge wedding in mexico, it was everything i ever imagined it would be. i had two ring bearers, my sons. he is the most wonderful man, husband, father and friend anyone could ever have and i was the lucky one to get him.

i know it sounds like a fairytale, but we've had our share of tough times, we've had fights and rocky times, but we always manage to get past that. i know that we will have many more coming, but i also know that we're strong enough to handle anything. we've made it this far and there is no doubt in my mind that we will be together for much longer, hopefully for the rest of our lives (that's our goal), but you never know what the future has in store for us. but w/ love, respect and honesty in a relationship anything is possible.

i'm not showing off or anything, but everywhere we go we get comments from people, just this weekend we were out to dinner w/ our kids and this little old man next to our table said to my husband what a nice little family we are. i love hearing that!!   :-)

i love my life exactly the way it is... i wouldn't change it for the world and i would do it exactly the same way in a heartbeat. i love my kids and my husband, they are my life!! never ever have i had one single regret!

so to answer to your question, no there is no magic number. you'll know when you find that special person... i knew even at 18.   :-)
Blank
237240_tn?1189861358
Got married at 17 and divorced at 22. So I say everyone should WAIT until they are 100% ready to be in a full-time committed relationship with someone they truly love and trust.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I think that there is only one person in life that is your true love and it doesn't matter at what age you find that person, but you will know.  There is no good or bad age, if you want children I would definatly not wait forever.  I am so completly 110% in love with the man in my life and I'm younger than 20.  We are planning on getting married and have talked about it a lot...  Children are one of the most important things to me and thats why I told my boyfriend that I want to be done having 4-5 kids by they time I'm 40 that way I will be able to enjoy every moment of my childrens life and hopefully be able to watch their children grow old.  So no... there really isn't any age, some people are more mature than others and are ready sooner than others.  Don't rush into it though, wait until you find that man that just knocks you off your feet, the one you can't live without, wait for your true love!
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I honestly believe that marriage isn't for me. I' ve went through too much in life, but if i were to ever get married...... age wouldn't matter to me at all. If you love the person with all your heart and want to spend the rest of your life with them.... go for it. It's up to that couple and how they feel about eachother.
Blank
334776_tn?1249972181
i can't say much on a right time to get married...i've been married twice, once for 15 months, the other for 2 years(we were only together 6 months but had to wait until he returned from iraq to file our papers).....a little history on my "strangeness" lol
my 1st husband and i-we dated for 4 months, lived toegther for 2 before marrying...we were planning a large wedding, for about 18 months later...but his mom kept telling him that if we didnt get married immediately, she wasn't gonna be there cos she was moving...we divorced b/c of the stupidest reasons...we've both even said, ALOT, that if we'd followed OUR wishes, not someone else's, we'd have made it ;)
my 2nd husband-we dated 11 months, and had a "notary wedding"(married by a notary)...from the 1st week we weremarried, he continued to date his "girlfriend", someone whom i'd thought was from high school, and he'd only dated her then...the day we divorced, she gave birth to his son, and 6 months later he left her...i hate what he puts her through, but i'm glad i got out when i did

nooow-i've been with my "fiance" 3 years, we're having a baby in october, and lived together since we were together 3 months...i've followed him to several states after he left the navy searching for his career, and haven't regretted 1 moment of it...he's beenmarried twice also, once to my stepdaughters mom(who we all know wwas too young-17-at the time), and she couldn't seem to quite hold down the "faithful" part, and would never move from her parents home(she lived in KY while he was in FL)....his 2nd wife he dated for nearly 4 years, and 2 yrs of that was spent breaking up etc, and including the birth of his son--they divorced after we met, b/c she refused to relocate and leave her family behind, and he also found after coming home from "underway"(6 weeks on a ship), that she'd pretty much moved someone else into HIS home!

we're probably old enough to be married lol(i'm 25, he's 30 this weekend), but at the same time, we have our ups and downs, and already have a "family" with us, his 2 children and our new one coming, and with our "records" see no reason to get married anytime soon.....yes, we're doing it totally backwards-baby, thenhouse, then marriage lol-but it actually seems to be the best way for us.....i know in my heart i want to be with him forever, but not quite ready to settle down with that ring just yet lol

i always tell my fiance, i wish i'd have met him when we BOTH lived in florida b/c maybe then we'd both have skipped some of the heartache we had(wheni lived there, he wasn't even dating his 1st wife lol, and i at first didnt know my 1sthusband).....but then, he wouldnt have my beautiful stepchildren, and even with all the drama stepkids(well their moms) bring i'd never trade them for anything else!
Blank
334776_tn?1249972181
***when i say he divorced her after we met, i mean they'd been separated for a year, he filed after we'd met through some friends.....but we were not dating, and i had no shaping in his filing...well, wait, i played "receptionist" for it, but i had no bearing on it, since they'd already got the papers before we started seeing each other....

just wanted to clear that up!
Blank
484465_tn?1347117312
you can't put an age stamp on marriage.  marriage isn't about age.  it's about maturity, responsibility, and commitment.  when two can do that, they can do marriage
Blank
484465_tn?1347117312
oh and one more thing.  it isn't written anywhere that a married couple has to stop taking birth control or going to college b/c they're married

marriage does not equal detriment to your being, existence, or rewards.
1 can chase 1,000 and 2 can chase 10,000 is what the bible says
Blank
583690_tn?1218712703
My quick 2 cents...

I believe that to have a happy and successful marriage, you need to have lived on your own at least a little while.  If you haven't taken on that adventure in getting to know yourself and learning how to be independent, I don't think you are ready to create a life with another person.

I also think a good piece of advice is to live with the person for a bit first.  You never really know a person until you have lived with them, and you'd be surprised how many quirks and habits come into the spotlight when you live with someone else.

My personal life plan goes as follows:

graduate college + start a career + buy a house + marriage + kids

And I don't want to have kids till I am in my 30s... so those are a lot of big goals that I am setting for my 20s!  lol
Blank
484465_tn?1347117312
i don't recommend any couple live together first and not just b/c of my relationship w/ God and commitment to live by Godly principles.  a lot of it is just common sense

i didn't move in with my now husband until the day after the wedding and it was the best thing.  the truth is, you don't want to know EVERYTHING about that person.  yes, knowing criminal background, employment history, future in-laws, how the person handles pressure and copes with life, finances yadda yadda are things you should be watching and learning during the entire courtship

but then, every person is weird in ways, has bad habits, and petty funniness to them (can't really describe it).  these are things that you only can find out through living with them and some things can become such a strain on being bearable or understandable that you'd find yourself breaking up over him returning the nearly empty juice carton to the fridge for the billionth time or, as i had a teacher once describe, being weirded out by seeing her newlywed husband clipping his toenails for 2 hrs strait.  seriously

then there's always the tried and true 'why-buy-the-cow-when-you-can-have-the-milk-free?' phenomenon.  i see so many women devastated by this problem.  they are with a man, dedicating years to him, living with him, most having children with him, then, they're left wondering when is my 'big day' coming?  and is doesn't b/c the man refuses to now purchase the old, worn out cow and is GLAD he's technically free to move on to something fresh, new, exciting, and in his idea, better.  and sorry to say it, but most men choose to operate this way if able- black, white, young, old
Blank
165308_tn?1323190145
I do not think marrying before late 20's is a good idea for anyone...even for those who said they would do it all over again.  The world is so different now.  There are so many things for women to do.  Back in the 50's and 60's and even early 70's it was a woman's job to get married and have babies and stay at home.  The ways of the world have changed.  I find that people grow so much in their 20's and their views change trememdously also.  20's is a time to be selfish, take care of yourself and your career.  
Blank
165308_tn?1323190145
I see that you are at the tender age of 18.  When I was your age, many moons ago, I would have agreed with you wholeheartedly.  However, with age, comes wisdom.  I am sure your opinion will change as you get older.  We all live and learn.  Best to you.  I am sure you will make the right decisions for you.
Blank
568812_tn?1379169394
I agree that its entierly up to the person when they want to get married. Of course they do need to be mature and think about it through and through.

I live with my bf and i would say that its fine to live with your partner before you get married...at least then you can get to know them more and get a feeling of what it will be like when you are a married couple.

Im 19 and my bf is 26. We talked about getting engaged before the next leap year, cause i want it to be him and not me that proposes lol.

I can honestly say that even before we met in person (we met online through a mutual friend) i felt i already knew him. Our first anniversary is on monday and we've never argued. By that i mean nothing serious...we've bickered over playing Zelda on the Wii but thats pretty much it lol.

As for marriage, we want a plain old registary office LEGAL marriage (for the papaers and what not) and then our 'proper' marriage will be a Pagan wedding, because that is what will matter to us both...sort of marriage of our souls if you will.

When it happens im really not that bothered...because in our hearts it feels like we are already married. Its different for everyone and it doesnt matter when or how you get married, as long as you feel comfortable and ready to spend the rest of your life with that person then thats all that matters. If marriage is not for you then cohabitation is just as good : ) Love is the most important thing...not papers to say you are legally bound to each other.
Blank
100019_tn?1335923317
I was married at 31 and divorced at 39.  Met my second husband at 42 married at 43 and it's wonderful.  

It doens't matter the age.  At 31 I was desperate to get married and have children.  I didn't take the time to realize how incompatible I would be with my first husband.  It was a disaster the day after the wedding, but I made a commitment and tried to stick it out for 8 years.  It just takes more than one person to make it work.

My second husband is much more compatible with me and I with him.  You just have to know what you want to marry as much as who.
Blank
594189_tn?1386920207
I have been married for 3 years. The first year and a half was so hard. But, we only dated for 3 months before we married. Will all that said we are doing great now. He is a great father to my 4 year old son and we are trying for our second child.
But our marriage has been alot of climbing now we just climb the hill together. :)
Blank
583690_tn?1218712703
"then there's always the tried and true 'why-buy-the-cow-when-you-can-have-the-milk-free?' phenomenon.  i see so many women devastated by this problem.  they are with a man, dedicating years to him, living with him, most having children with him, then, they're left wondering when is my 'big day' coming?  and is doesn't b/c the man refuses to now purchase the old, worn out cow and is GLAD he's technically free to move on to something fresh, new, exciting, and in his idea, better.  and sorry to say it, but most men choose to operate this way if able- black, white, young, old "

I don't agree with any of your reasons, I don't really think it's a valid argument against living together.  I would have bought it more if all you said was that you are morally against it.   First of all, not living with someone because you are afraid that means they won't propose... that just seems silly.  Marriage isn't something you want your guy to do just because he wants you to live with him, or because he feels it has to be the next step.  AND there is a big difference between living with him and having kids with him.  I would never have a child out of wedlock because I believe it is unfair to the child to not have a stable family life waiting when they are born.  

It's amazing how much COMMUNICATION can help.  My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage.  He got married at 19 or 20 (can't remember now), and is now at 26 working through the process of getting a divorce.  I told him that I understood that he'd probably be hesitant to get married again in the future, but that it was something that I wanted to pursue after I graduated and started working.  We both want to someday start a family together, although we both agree not anytime in the near future.  It wasn't like we decided on a whim to move in together, we talked about it for almost a year before it happened.
Blank
484465_tn?1347117312
"then there's always the tried and true 'why-buy-the-cow-when-you-can-have-the-milk-free?' phenomenon.  i see so many women devastated by this problem.  they are with a man, dedicating years to him, living with him, most having children with him, then, they're left wondering when is my 'big day' coming?  and is doesn't b/c the man refuses to now purchase the old, worn out cow and is GLAD he's technically free to move on to something fresh, new, exciting, and in his idea, better.  and sorry to say it, but most men choose to operate this way if able- black, white, young, old "

this is an old saying.  what do you think it means then?  b/c that's the meaning i see.  even if it doesn't apply to you, it's happening everyday.  read the forums

"First of all, not living with someone because you are afraid that means they won't propose... that just seems silly."

well, you have a lot to learn about men and how they view/handle commitment and women.  again, maybe it doesn't apply to your relationship, but you can just read the forums  

"Marriage isn't something you want your guy to do just because he wants you to live with him, or because he feels it has to be the next step."

actually, you're wrong.  if a man loves me and my attention and spending time w/ me enough that he wants me with him 24/7, then yes, marriage is in order.  it is the next step if anyone wants me to make a mutual commitment, share a bed, and share anything and everything with them INDEFINITELY.  my goodies are not out for trail and error.  but, that's just me

these are my views and my reasoning, many of which my 85 year old grandmother, 63 year old aunt and 53 year old mother have taught me.  i have found that they are always right.  but again, they're just my family and it's just what i believe.  best wishes to you and your boyfriend
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
233488_tn?1310696703
Blank
New Cannabis Article from NORTH Mag...
Jul 20 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
3 Reasons Why You are Still Binge E...
Jul 14 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating: What Your Closet ...
Jul 09 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
3149845_tn?1386354841
Blank
Life360
fort lauderdale, FL
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA
1268057_tn?1399131913
Blank
Londres70
France
3060903_tn?1398568723
Blank
Nighthawk61
Other