Married-2 kids....marriage OVER?!?

[Lkng4Hlp]

I am reaching out for some help/guidance.
Together for 14yrs, married for 7, 2 kids ~ and the relationship has been breaking down over the years.  
Constant fighting, name calling, yelling etc. has removed everything from my heart and I don't know what to do. I wish it could come back and everything could go back to normal, but it can't.
Neither of us are innocent, but I am the only one that is willing to recognize it.
Counselling didn't help. My kids are lashing out and I don't know if its better to stay for their sake or end this before it gets worse.
I am scared. How do I do this?  What do I do?  Am I wrong in feeling this way?

[Lkng4Hlp]

I have let so many thing 'go'.....but yes, after a while the build up is too much to handle.
We never resolve anything.  Just STOP fighting and move on.....so everything piles up.

[guinness413]

What is love dare? I can appreciate the fact that it is easier said than done in regards to being kind and not fighting. You can hold your fire for a period of time but it is only human to express your feelings

[Lkng4Hlp]

Thank you very much.
I will try it and yes I agree, it takes 2 to fight.  He enjoys the fight and he knows that he does.
My biggest problem is that I let it go on for as long as I did.
I know I still love him, but I don't know if I like him anymore. I need to find that again.

[lovemykids465]

If He grew up with parents who fought and they are still together he may see this as normal. A friend of mine was going through the same thing.Saw the movie Fire proof. Purchased the love dare book talked about in the movie. Said it made a difference more in her in the beginnig then him but 3 months now and things are much better. It takes two to fight. Try to walk away. Try the love dare. I actually think my husband got a copy of it b/c he is doing things for me he has never done before. I notice it and it is hard to be negative when someone is being so nice and thoughtful toward you.

[Lkng4Hlp]

My heart goes out to you.  Hopefully the advice shared can help all of us.

[Lkng4Hlp]

I will definitely try the three days, thank you.

[Lkng4Hlp]

Thank you EVERYONE for your kind words and guidance.  
I'm sorry I wasn't clear on my original post, I am the wife. I have told him the way I feel and he doesn't understand why I feel like this.
He grew up in a house of fighting and two parents that have stayed together but honestly, his parents are miserable and I don't want to end up like that.

[mami1323]

I thought so to but wasn't sure because there was no indication in the post that said whether or not they had a husband or a wife.

[RockRose]

I agree with VicUser too.  It's hard to change the old habit,  but just stop fighting.  Just stop it,  and see what happens when the two of you quit going at each other.

mami - I think you're right,  the OP  is a woman.  I sure thought that when I checked the profile it said man,  but I guess I was wrong.

[mami1323]

I agree with VicUser, it does work.  I am living proof.  My relationship was at its very bottom, I now give that love and affection and I get it in return.  Everyone wants to feel needed and appreciated.

[VicUser]

I know there are guys that are just plain bad and narcissistic but I don't think they are the majority by any means. If a woman shows her man Appreciation, Admiration and Affection he will swim though shark infested water to bring her a glass of lemonade. Most of us guys just want to know our woman loves us, plain and simple.

When you treat someone with love and caring it causes that feeling to grow in both, when you treat them with disdain and indifference that festers like an infected sore.

[guinness413]

I am in the same boat; what do you do?

[VicUser]

Fighting can only happen when both people participate. Acting kind and loving many times changes things, even when you are having a hard time understanding why you should if the other doesn’t first. Your kids want two parents that show love for each other, you have the power to change that. Are you the type of spouse you would want to come home to?

I hope this helps a little, we all have to look within first.

[specialmom]

Marriage can be very difficult and have eb and flow.  You are at a low point.  Does that mean another high point is impossible?  I don't know.  But I think if you discuss it this way with your spouse (wife or husband??)----  it is helpful.  I have found one thing to try when our spouse is unwilling to admit fault or proactively work on a relationship is that if you do everything that you want your spouse to do (even when you are mad and don't feel like it) that they often subconsciously follow suit.  This certainly doesn't work every time and I don't know the degree of issues in your marriage.  But if you are truly saddened at the thought of leaving and feel like giving it one more shot, try this.  Also set up some date time in which you DO NOT talk about issues but are more light hearted.  

May not work, you may not want it to work.  But sometimes climbing out of the valley can get you to the peak again.  Sometimes.  good luck

[mami1323]

Is this the husband or wife writing?  I thought this was the wife?

[RockRose]

If you dated for 7 years before marriage,  there was truly something there that made you want to commit for life.

Why are you fighting?  What are the two of you ripping at each other this way?  

For three days,  looking,  just stop fighting.  Don't take any bait at all,  don't fight back,  just be nice.  Three long days.  

This can become such a horrible habit,  this snapping at each other all the time and it can be changed as a habit.  

I really sense there's something there worth staying for in your relationship,  you and your wife have just decided to use each other as punching bags.

[mami1323]

Honestly if you've tried counseling and it didn't work than there isn't much more that I can say that will make it work.  I don't think staying in an unhealthy marriage for the sake of the kids is the best thing to do.  They see you together but they see the arguing, the tension, the disgust for one another.  They feel it and are obviously reacting to it.  What kids want the most is two happy parents and if that means separately than that is better than miserable and together.  Being scared is normal, no one likes to start over and they fear the unknown but instead of looking at it as a negative thing, look at it as a positive.  You get to start fresh.  How does your husband feel?  Is he wanting to separate?  Have you both communicated on what you both want?  Once you've established between the two of you what you both want and need, then you can figure out the next steps.  Does he leave you with the house/apartment?  Do you leave to find a place?  Where will the kids live?  Will you share custoday?  You can both work out a separation agreement that will suite you both equally.  Try to do this amicably for the sake of the kids.