Dears, I am 32 years old, very succesful professionally speaking with quite a fulfilling job. I've been married for just almost 3 years and while it's my first marriage, it's the third marriage for my husband. I live and travel for my work around Africa while he lives in the US. We are now seriously planning on living together meaning I will have to quit my job and come start all over in the US. I have a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship and my husband has 3 kids of his own. My husband is a nice guy with quite some temper issues but all in all, he has a good heart. We got married very quickly after knowing each other. But shortly after our engagement, I started an affair with another man and we quickly fell inlove. As you can see, I get very quickly into everything and I'm thinking that is my real problem. Because of the distance between my husband and I and because my job gives me an excuse to travel arround, I have been living a wonderful relationship with this other man. He lives in a different African country and is Moslem while I'm christian. Yet we feel like we were meant for each other. I really do love him. He is single and I've tried to push him to think of marrying another girl but he's having a hard time doing that because our relationship is very much alive. I feel like he's the one I'm actually sharing my life with. Recently we made a trip to South Africa and promised each other that no matter what ever we're each living through at the moment on our different sides (my marriage included) and no matter how long it takes, we will ultimately end up living together. We dream of spending our old age together. I know it's goimgto be a long road and it's going to be hard but I feel that is where I'm meant to be. I need help now because every now and then, I get guilty with regards to my husband and I feel like my marriage will ultimately suffer from this. I feel like I'm in a marriage with an expiry date. Please help me.
Okay, so you LOVE this guy you're having an affair with, yet, you're encouraging to find someone else to marry? Why? So, you can ruin TWO marriages?
The cold hard facts are that NEITHER of your relationships are going to work. You rushed into the relationship with your husband, then married him, and then quickly started a very involved affair.
Sounds to me like the problem lies within YOU needing the attention of men, or being scared of being alone perhaps?
The very best favor you could do yourself, AND both of these men is to end it with both of them, and spend some time by yourself, with NO man...trying to figure out why you're always in such a hurry to get a serious commitment, yet so quick to NOT take that commitment seriously (because you're cheating).
Sounds like you are running away from YOU and using these men as an escape from dealing with YOUR issues.
BTW: This man considers himself a Muslim and you consider yourself a Christian, yet you are a married woman cheating and he is a man cheating with a married woman. Doesn't seem like you two are taking your religions into consideration as neither religions promotes cheating. Are either one of you ready to convert? To be disowned by family members? Christians and Moslims just don't mix well in Africa. That would definitely be an uphill battle.
Any man willing to cheat with a married woman isn't a gentleman in my opinion; he is just someone taking advantage of the situation and YOU.
sometimes having multiple personal affairs is also indicative of a larger problem that stems from feeling that you do not have enough.
The enough that i mean is not enough love, not enough attention, not enough good feelings, and the need to collect those things in the people around you.
You can learn to feel like you have enough and learn to live successfully with less drama and pain that multiple relationships can cause. A well qualified therapist can help you learn more about your needs and may even help you achieve personal happiness that is not dependent on other people or relationship.
Thanks for your response Londres70. Maybe I should clarify something. My husband asked me to marry him 2 months after we met and had never been intimate. Then he left for the US. I met this guy 6 months after meeting my husband. I legally married my husband 16 months after starting this affair. I feel I've been maintaining my relationship with my husband only because I'm a person who tries to keep commitments. My relationship with my husband is quite complicated for various reasons including lack of intimacy and too many arguments over everything.Just as example, my husband could get angry because I question a message he received on facebook and would go to the point of calling me ******* and *****. But then he'll later apologise and say he doesn't know hwat got into him and promise to do a therapy. So maybe I turn to this guy because I'm looking for the comfort and gentleness that's lacking in my marriage. I keep telling myself that maybe we have these argumnets because I'm having and affair, maybe because we're living appart and things will get better once we start living together. At some point before I legally married my husband, I spoke with my guy on taking our relationship further. My guy and I were both very concious of the difficulty there is in being culturally different (He is Arab) and he is still trying to figure out huge issues in his professional life...not that he is finacially down. When I told him I'd be getting married, he encouraged me. But then we got back into our affair shortly after I married. I feel like I went ahead to marry my husband because I had already made plans and got our families involved and couldn't turn around anymore. On the other hand, at that time, I had no real assurance from my guy that our relationship could go any further. At that time, I didn't realise I was using his inability to marry me as an excuse to push forward with my marriage. My guy has been in a difficult place in his life were it would take him some more years to make a marriage commitment as well. Meanwhile, I have had the chance live in his community and even stay in his family home with his mom and brothers and sisters. So about our religion, we are very open and accept each other and I'd say I'm ready to convert to be Moslem if that becomes imperative. During our last meeting, two weeks ago, we spoke lengthly of him getting married but he insist he isn't ready. I think I'm encouraging him because I'm hoping that will put some distance between us and maybe give us a reality check. He cried and shed tears telling me he loves me and that's all that matters to him now. He said he hopes one day in some years to come, I'll be available to make the change in my life and live with him. He thinks I should do my best in my marriage while it last but that he'll come for me when he is ready. Does this make sense. I came back home after spending those last days with him in South Africa and I now feel so empty. I feel like my love life is a mess but I'm keeping things going because that's what I'm supposed to do. I love my husband for who he is and for the man he's trying to become given the hard times he's been through in the past. But then, I'm lost. I'm hoping that when I move to the US, he will let me go to school where he won't be with me all the time. I might be dramatising my marriage situation ... I don't know. I need to find peace in my heart and contentment but I don't know how. I am unable to give up my guy because our relationship means so much to me and I really do love him after everything.
Thank you MYoungATHeart. I wish I could identify what this "Larger Problem" is. I'm open to understanding that and would gladly see a therapist for help. The question I ask myself is, in trying to learn to feel like I have enough and learn to live successfully with less, does my marriage have the "Less" which should be "Enough". These days, husband tells me he chose me as wive because he sees potentials in me. Because I'm and engineer. This gets me really angry sometimes. I keep telling myslf that things will be ok once we start living together, and I'd have a chance to better appreciate. Well, I guess it's all my fault though. I went ahead to marry with hopes that I'd make a marriage work like it was a job or task.
I agree with the ladies here that you seem to be on the wrong track to find happiness. Affairs always seem so wonderful because there is very little real life involved. Perhaps I don't understand the aspect as to why you married your current husband in the first place as it sounds like you didn't know him, hadn't spent much time with him, and yet went straight to marriage.
I agree that you need to take some time to be alone. Learn to live as a woman that does not need a man in their life (which I must say that often when someone goes from 0 to 10 with a man and married them straight away that this is the case. Several valuable parts of building a relationship are skipped to just 'seal the deal' and be with the man. Often this does indeed end badly).
I also agree that affairs are often 'searching' for something else. To slap a band aid on something that we are missing. They also are often the work of just not being invested in ANYONE because you can't fully be in a relationship with someone as a married woman to someone else and you can't be fully involved in your marriage if you are carrying an affair with someone else. It sure keeps the walls up. But it is deceiving because you feel like you are really connecting.
Anyway, I would consider neither man at this point and work on being as strong in your relationships as you've been in your career. good luck
I hear a lot of you rationalizing why you made the decisions you did (all of them), and I'm sorry, but the reality as I see it is, you're making very poor choices, for a lot of the wrong reasons (and probably a lot of reasons you don't understand yourself yet).
It's good that you're agreeable to the idea of therapy. I think that's going to be VERY important. You need to dig deep, and explore why you would jump into a marriage SO fast with a man you barely knew? While I can understand that your marriage wasn't built on a very strong foundation (or one at all really), that still doesn't mean you don't have some kind of obligation to work through the marriage FIRST and decide what you want in that regard before getting involved with someone else.
"Your guy" wants you to work on your marriage, but yet wants to come whisk you away when the time is right. That's not realistic, even slightly, and quite honestly, is pretty selfish and not admirable in any way. For one, a person can NEVER truly and fairly work on one relationship when they are having an affair. Cannot be done. And I don't care how WONDERFUL the person is that someone is having an affair with...the one fact that just CANNOT be ignored, or tossed to the side is the fact that they entered into a relationship with someone ELSE'S partner. That's never okay, and that says a LOT about a person's character, morals, and ethics.
I REALLY think that despite ALL of the things you're telling yourself (things that are trying to convince you as to why the non husband seems to be the preferred choice).....NEITHER of these relationships stand a chance....and until you can do some work on you, most relationships you have in the future will likely be troubled as well.
My advice is to FIRST and foremost, do the respectable, right thing...and be honest with your husband, and leave him. Then, break ALL ties with the other man. Then devote a good bit of time (at least a year if not more) to working on YOU, finding out why you found yourself in this position, why you're making impulsive decisions about things that shouldn't be entered into lightly. You never know. You may find down the line, after some soul searching and some professional help, that you find your way back to one of these men. And if you DO, the relationship will have a much better chance of surviving.
I have a feeling you won't do what I recommended. I have a feeling that you're going to try to make things work with the new guy. If that's the case, don't delay doing right by your husband...it's the right thing to do. It's good that you're thinking about this, and recognizing that this is not an okay situation, that something needs to change. At least your head isn't buried ALL the way in the sand.
You sound as though You think all this 'happened' to You rather than seeing that You 'inserted' YourSelf into BOTH situations, i.e. the Husband AND the BoyFriend
"Shortly After the Engagement You Started an Affair With Another Man and Quickly Fell in Love"
How did You justify, rationalize to YourSelf that You should go through with a Marriage when You had attained a BoyFriend (and an affair) in the meantime??
I agree You need to work on YOU - what You are doing is wrong for all 3 of You - Your Husband would probably choose not to be a part of this threesome were He to know and I really question why this is acceptable to the BoyFriend - or YourSelf, for that matter
You can try to "rationalize" this til the cows come home, but any way you cut it it is still WRONG.
It is sad you are waiting and hanging onto a man who pretty much is telling you there is NO good time to marry you...............excuse after excuse why he couldn't or can't, BUT it is always the right time to have an affair with you. Like I thought he is pretty much using you in my opinion. He will NEVER marry you dear; don't you see that?
"I legally married my husband, I spoke with my guy on taking our relationship further. My guy and I were both very concious of the difficulty there is in being culturally different (He is Arab) and he is still trying to figure out huge issues in his professional life...not that he is finacially down. When I told him I'd be getting married, he encouraged me. But then we got back into our affair shortly after I married."...............Let him figure HIM out and you need to figure YOU out without being involved. He encouraged you to get married, but then started back up with you after you were married. What kind of devote Muslim man would do that? He should of ended things as soon as you were MARRIED......end of story.
"He thinks I should do my best in my marriage while it last but that he'll come for me when he is ready. Does this make sense.".................Really? Are you that naive? Does it makes sense to you? If it does then I really feel sorry for you. Come to you when he is ready? Geesh! And when is that approximately supposed to happen? NEVER.
There is no need for clarification here. It doesn't make it right to have an affair period..............with sexual intimacy or without sexual intimacy in the marriage. This other guy refused to marry you and told you to go ahead and marry someone else and you did in order to keep a "commitment" which makes ZERO sense. Then, he had the NERVE to jump back into an intimate relationship with you AFTER you were married. This guy has ZERO scruples and means you NO good. He is feeding you line after line about waiting and he really needs you and you continue to believe it............hanging onto a so-called man who has no qualms about being with a MARRIED woman.
Then, you have this husband who sounds a bit controlling with maybe some anger issues on the side who you married only to fulfill a commitment. I wouldn't be with any husband who I had to ask permission if it was ok for me to continue my education............no way.
OMG.............you need to give men a rest and find YOU. Happiness is NOT in men, but within yourself. Dump them both, seek therapy to find you and continue your education.
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