Masterbation and relationship

[babyblues39]

ok here it is... I have been engaged to a wonderful man for now 2 years the past year and half was awesome, we always showered together, romance was awesome, just this year has been really confusing for me, a month ago my fiance and I were watching a movie and when he is into a good movie nothing will make him stop the movie.. if we feel in the mood to get romantic we wait till the movie is over.. well first time he has done this... he out of the bloom while into his movie he stops the movie and says he is having a quick shower... what caught me off gaurd is since we have been together he always loved it when I came in to join him in the shower... this night he just went up stairs no invite nothing.. I thought I would go and sit and talk to him while he was having a shower.. I noticed while he was showering he seemed irrtated like I was intrupting something.. he turns the light off while showering as he says its relaxing when no lights are on... he asked me to shut the door so I did enough that I can see while talking to him... while talking and hearing his voice getting fusterated I turned my head towards the shower... here he was masterbating.. he has never done this in the beginning of our relationship.. we had plans that night to have some romance but instead he decided to masterbate in the shower.. I got upset and left the bathroom saying whatever and if he was more intrested in pleasing himself then having some romance... he made the excuse that he wasnt masterbating cause he didnt pleasure himself to the end... anyways I let that go and thought maybe it was just me .. well last night we planned another night.. he said he was gonna have a quick shower so I decided to get things set up in the bedroom hoping the night was going to be awesome.. I went into the bathroom while he was showering to get his stuff like towel and clean clothes and to brush my teeth.. I noticed while talking to him when I asked him if he was just going straight to bed and sleep after his shower he got that fusterated voice again,, and said yes... then I noticed this time his back was facing me.. and noticed his hand going.. so instead of getting upset I opened the curtians went to tickel his back when I did that I saw him once again masterbating.. this time he jumped and his eyes I read clearing like BUSTED... I got upset and said to him I feel like I am not attracted to him.. like our sex life is more his hand then anything else.. he said this time his excuse was he was washing himself.. but what I saw was a totall differnt thing when  man is washing themselfs they dont stand there and rub it hard and fast and is hard... he always makes excuses when he gets caught... I am tierd of walking in on him after he and I plan a night together he goes and masterbates.. then tells me he is tierd and is just going to have a quick shower and go to sleep... sometimes I wonder if its me he isnt happy with... or his sexual desire for me has died.. I need some answeres soon... I feel hurt and degraded.. I dont mind masterbation.. but when a man gets a women going then kills it by changing plans and then gets caught masterbating in the shower and then makes up excuses... please help me on this one...

[imanaddict]

I am really glad to hear that! Communication is always the key to a good relationship! And I'm sorry to hear about your past and the abuse you have endured. I hope you guys can work through it together and have an even better relationship in the future.

[nuredshuz]

sounds to me like he has a little "addiction" to compulsive masturbation... its not all that un common.. women just dont know too much about it cuz we dont think the same way men do... what we find gross or disgusting, men find "normal" they also feel shame when we (women) show our disgust about what they are doing... its not personally against us... so try to detach emotionally from it ..that mind frame over this issue will help you to not feel so hurt over it...your past should have nothing to do with his masturbation... you cant control his behaviors at all, just as he cannot control your behaviors... self pleasure is very normal for most men... if you talk to him about this in a respectable way (not shaming him, not making a hugh deal and/or making him feel like he is a scummy pervert) then you could have a much closer emotional relationship as well as a closer physical relationship... best of luck to you both...

[babyblues39]

update on what is going on... we have talked and he opened up and told me the truth.. he does release himself and the reason that is .. cause with me I dont give him any hints.. he doesnt want to step on toes asking or showing himself he wants to get romantic.. and its all cause of my past history.. I have been abused sexually ... emotionally and physically from my exs... he knows about my past and respects that... but he also doesnt want to push anything on me that will make me feel uncomfortable ... but the past few days just talking I have come to relize that my past needs to be worked on so this wont cause issues which it has been on my end,, and try to trust and know my fiance is there for me ... he works hard 5 days a week... he doesnt have time to cheat and will never have that thought to cheat... he works at the same company as his mom they travell together back and forth from work.. he comes home and spends time with me on the weekends we get his kids... so its more me I want to be romantic.. I dont want to feel that the man should always make the first move... past few days have been awesome.. I have been making those moves.. and its been wonderful... I just need to take my past and put it away for good.. this man that I am with treats me awesome in everyways... I am looking into getting into trusting and making my romance better... he does a good part on his and I have to do my part also.. anyways talking to him and doing things with him has made me think and relize and except that he is and always will be attracted to me ... and ty for all your imput... and gonna take some advice.. like the shower instead of getting upse to join him...  start things make him feel good... thanks once again to you all

[msniki412]

I think you and your husband need to really talk about things ASAP. To me, Im sorry it sounds like he is cheating. I could be wrong and I hope I am, but alot of the behavor he is doing is towards cheating. Unless, maybe his job is stressful? That could be another thing too. I think the two of you need to go out to a nice romantic dinner and try to rekindle your romance again. Also try to talk to him about how your feeling. That him not showing you any romance is putting a strain on yourself and that you feel that he doesn't feel attracted to you. It could be as simple as something like stress he is dealing with. Good luck.

[babyblues39]

I never tell him or make him feel low.. just that he never use to do this till the past few months.. I always ask him if its me .. I gained a little weight cause of my depression of a loss I just had a loss 3 months ago.. I have had 9 losses.. never had a child yet... but what now concerns me is I noticed this will sound little  weird to say on line but this is constantly running through my mind.. I was gathering laundry and noticed his underwear has dried sperm on it.. and it isnt a little there is alot on it... how am I going to aproach him about what I saw this morning... found 2 pairs with dried sperm on them.. sorry if I am to opened.. but I am really confused and dont know what to think or do.. he works mon to friday as a couirer driver so he has no time to cheat.. what I think is when I go to bed early he sits at his computer and masterbates.. dont know if he is doing this on line and showing other women on cam... or just sits there and masterbates when I am sleeping.. I am getting tierd of my mind going constantly wondering what I am doing so wrong.. last night again I was hoping we could have some romance.. once again he goes to sleep ... I got upset and went downstairs to clear my mind.. he told me the reason why he hasnt made any efford is cause I should be doing things to get him feeling good... but right now I am tierd of his lame excuses why he hasnt done anything with me.. I am soo close of approaching him with what I found this morning... and no more excuses to me.. I am really confused and feeling down about all this cause he has never ever done this to me since the past few months.. I need some real honest answeres from him.. other wise I feel like just walking and being alone by myself...  the other thought is just to lay low and not to say anything and maybe try to spice up our romance.. he says I am way to insucure... I dont know what to think or to say..

[imanaddict]

I wouldn't take it personal. Men sometimes just want to pleasure themselves. This happened to me a few years ago, and I let it bother me too. Of course I would get upset and say that my DH wasn't attracted to me, etc...but that wasn't the case. My DH isn't the first guy to explain this to me, as my ex-husband also did the same thing. Once I stopped getting upset about it, it didn't stop him from doing his thing, but it did benefit me because I didn't let it make me feel like I was unattractive. It's just something they do from time to time. My advice is to try not to catch him doing it and just let it be. Don't take it personal either. If you happen to stumble across it again, start pleasuring yourself in front of him and see how that works. Just don't press the issue though. I think it will cause more harm than good.

[pcarsey]

How I would approach this is: there are two ways...... if he were doing it in the shower and you caught him, act as if nothing happened or get in with him put your hand on his and encourage him to do it more while you are with him. I don't think it is about you not pleasing him or anything, it is more about something else. If you can get him to talk to you ask him in a calm way without accusing him of anything why he feels the need to hide this or do it without you? It is all about the way you approach the situation. If you go in telling him he is a worthless piece o' **** then he is going to feel like he can never share this with you, that he has to keep it a secret that he has to feel bad for it.

I could be completely wrong, but my guess is that it has nothing to do with you at all and something that he is looking into exploring and is afraid to talk to you about it.