Aa
Mental Health
I am seeing more and more posts where people blame everything wrong in their relationships and life on having a horrible childhood, or their partner is horrible and then what eventually comes out is they wanted to live a cinderella story.
Just out of curiousity does anyone take care of their "horrible past" before jumping in to a relationship?
Or do these all fall under relationships that the people qualify for on youtube "Boyfriend with Health Benefits" and they are waiting to get mental health care?
Really though, when are people expected to take responsibility for getting themselves fixed?
Just out of curiousity does anyone take care of their "horrible past" before jumping in to a relationship?
Or do these all fall under relationships that the people qualify for on youtube "Boyfriend with Health Benefits" and they are waiting to get mental health care?
Really though, when are people expected to take responsibility for getting themselves fixed?
I liked teko answer everyone blame good ole mom when someone commits murder they yell back to childhood. i remember working in hosp, and was in Er when i heard these 2 doctors talking they were bringing in a guy that had been shot he raped a 6 mo old child and some people had called the hosp and said that if he was treated they would hurt the dr, something like that, anyway the dr said to bad we took that oath to heal, i hate to treat him but i will and the others said i feel sorry for his poor ole mom it will all be blamed on her a lot of things are blamed on the childhood,, and sometimes that is simply not true, now some things can be placed there but not everything jo
I had a really horrible childhood. It was full of abuse (mental, physical and emotional). As a child and a teenager no one would ever know because I was outgoing, happy (when I was with my friends and not my father), got decent grades and always behaved myself. I never got into trouble in school or elsewhere. I knew how and when to wear the mask. The only person who knew anything about what was going on, besides my mom and siblings, was my best friend.
When I started dating I dated guys who were nothing like my father except for one guy who belittled me in front of his friends (he knew a little about my past). Then I met my now DH. He experienced what my father is like within the first year of us dating (what he did to me and threatening to beat him with a chain). At that point he only knew a little bit of what I went through growing up. Since then I have told him a lot about my childhood. In the last few years my father and I had gotten along a lot better until a few months ago (see journal entry). Now I don't speak to him.
Now that you know a little bit of the situation I will answer your question (as best I can). :-) My DH is the first person to ever see me depressed and to help me deal with my depression. He's seen the ugly side of me (that I had suppressed for years). I never seeked help before our relationship because there was never any ill effects before we started dating. I was still a submissive person, quick to say I'm sorry (to my father) and to make things right again. Since DH and I have been together I have learned to stand up for myself so I tell people who treat me like c r a p how it is. I don't take it from no one. DH and I went through some rough times before we got married and it was due to my past but with his help I was able to work through it without having to get professional help. Once in a while I get depressed thinking about what I could have done differently growing up but then I have to remember what's done is done and all I can do is make my future better.
I used to blame myself a lot for what has happened. I now know my dad has the problem (he's a classic case of narcissism) and it had nothing to do with me. My DH helps me to realize that more and more each day. While I had a relationship with my father my relationship with my husband (and myself) suffered a lot. Now that I have cut all ties it has improved 1000%. Would I benefit talking to someone just to sort through my feelings? Probably and that's a route DH and I have been talking about taking. I never thought I had to "fix" myself before because there never seemed to be anything to "fix," at least not to me. In hindsight I probably should have because I used to take the route my father took and that would be to be verbally aggressive when arguing but only after DH and I started dating. I know it's because he never fought back. He quietly excepted it but then I started pushing him away because of it. I have (slowly) learned how to communicate effectively because I know I can't blame anyone but myself for not breaking the cycle. Now DH and I get along a lot better (our relationship isn't perfect) and we actually sit down and talk out our problems instead of me screaming and him leaving to take a drive until I cool off. I have come to terms that my father has problems that he's not willing to get help for and I can't do anything about it..........except to work hard at not becoming like him.
I do believe, however, that when you're old enough to realize right from wrong that's when you should take responsibility for your own life and not put the blame on anyone/anything else. Girls who sleep around will say "Mom did it." When you're 17, 18 years old it's not an excuse anymore. You're that way because you want to be that way but don't want to feel guilty and be blamed for the life you've chosen to lead. It's time to grow up and pave your own path. People shouldn't use their past as their excuse but use it to become a better you. Use it as a blueprint of how you want your future to be or not be. For example, my sister never beats her child to a bloody pulp. She may spank him once in a while but she doesn't grab extension cords and sticks to beat him with. I'm not going to do that either when I have kids. We don't hit our spouses, nor do we throw things.....even though we really want to sometimes. ;-) I think if you are using your past as an excuse for how you are now (like my father does) then it's time to get help. If you see that you are taking a path that hurt you so much before, you need to get help. But when you are old enough to know right from wrong you can't blame anyone else for the person you are. It's shaped you into the person you want to be.
I'm sorry that was so long but I hope it answered your question.
When I started dating I dated guys who were nothing like my father except for one guy who belittled me in front of his friends (he knew a little about my past). Then I met my now DH. He experienced what my father is like within the first year of us dating (what he did to me and threatening to beat him with a chain). At that point he only knew a little bit of what I went through growing up. Since then I have told him a lot about my childhood. In the last few years my father and I had gotten along a lot better until a few months ago (see journal entry). Now I don't speak to him.
Now that you know a little bit of the situation I will answer your question (as best I can). :-) My DH is the first person to ever see me depressed and to help me deal with my depression. He's seen the ugly side of me (that I had suppressed for years). I never seeked help before our relationship because there was never any ill effects before we started dating. I was still a submissive person, quick to say I'm sorry (to my father) and to make things right again. Since DH and I have been together I have learned to stand up for myself so I tell people who treat me like c r a p how it is. I don't take it from no one. DH and I went through some rough times before we got married and it was due to my past but with his help I was able to work through it without having to get professional help. Once in a while I get depressed thinking about what I could have done differently growing up but then I have to remember what's done is done and all I can do is make my future better.
I used to blame myself a lot for what has happened. I now know my dad has the problem (he's a classic case of narcissism) and it had nothing to do with me. My DH helps me to realize that more and more each day. While I had a relationship with my father my relationship with my husband (and myself) suffered a lot. Now that I have cut all ties it has improved 1000%. Would I benefit talking to someone just to sort through my feelings? Probably and that's a route DH and I have been talking about taking. I never thought I had to "fix" myself before because there never seemed to be anything to "fix," at least not to me. In hindsight I probably should have because I used to take the route my father took and that would be to be verbally aggressive when arguing but only after DH and I started dating. I know it's because he never fought back. He quietly excepted it but then I started pushing him away because of it. I have (slowly) learned how to communicate effectively because I know I can't blame anyone but myself for not breaking the cycle. Now DH and I get along a lot better (our relationship isn't perfect) and we actually sit down and talk out our problems instead of me screaming and him leaving to take a drive until I cool off. I have come to terms that my father has problems that he's not willing to get help for and I can't do anything about it..........except to work hard at not becoming like him.
I do believe, however, that when you're old enough to realize right from wrong that's when you should take responsibility for your own life and not put the blame on anyone/anything else. Girls who sleep around will say "Mom did it." When you're 17, 18 years old it's not an excuse anymore. You're that way because you want to be that way but don't want to feel guilty and be blamed for the life you've chosen to lead. It's time to grow up and pave your own path. People shouldn't use their past as their excuse but use it to become a better you. Use it as a blueprint of how you want your future to be or not be. For example, my sister never beats her child to a bloody pulp. She may spank him once in a while but she doesn't grab extension cords and sticks to beat him with. I'm not going to do that either when I have kids. We don't hit our spouses, nor do we throw things.....even though we really want to sometimes. ;-) I think if you are using your past as an excuse for how you are now (like my father does) then it's time to get help. If you see that you are taking a path that hurt you so much before, you need to get help. But when you are old enough to know right from wrong you can't blame anyone else for the person you are. It's shaped you into the person you want to be.
I'm sorry that was so long but I hope it answered your question.
I think alot of the mind set is a result of the generation you were born in. And there seems to be much more of it than ever before. Used to be, if ya were married and had kids and got in a financial crunch you got two jobs or even three if thats what it took, now its welfare. lol
Everyone has something in their past they do not like to reflect on. Gone are the days of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and moving on, making life better. Then when we do not do that, every decision we make seems to be the wrong one, to only complicate life even further. In all avenues of it.
We simply live in a different time I think and over time have gotten soft. I have also found that time changes things. Simply by getting older, the past fades and so does the pain. hmmm. Just a shame to ruin your entire life before you experience it! Face it, most of our woes come from our own bad choices in life and then it is natural to whine about it later when we have to pay the consequences of our decisions. I tell my children, If you got a problem with how I raised you, you got two choices.
1. You can waste your life blaming me for everything wrong in your life or
2. You can do something to change your world and raise your children without the mistakes you think I made! Only problem is!
When those children grow up, they too will blame you for everything wrong in their lives, and so it goes. on and on and on. Difference nowadays is how we handle it. Been going on since the world began.
Everyone has something in their past they do not like to reflect on. Gone are the days of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and moving on, making life better. Then when we do not do that, every decision we make seems to be the wrong one, to only complicate life even further. In all avenues of it.
We simply live in a different time I think and over time have gotten soft. I have also found that time changes things. Simply by getting older, the past fades and so does the pain. hmmm. Just a shame to ruin your entire life before you experience it! Face it, most of our woes come from our own bad choices in life and then it is natural to whine about it later when we have to pay the consequences of our decisions. I tell my children, If you got a problem with how I raised you, you got two choices.
1. You can waste your life blaming me for everything wrong in your life or
2. You can do something to change your world and raise your children without the mistakes you think I made! Only problem is!
When those children grow up, they too will blame you for everything wrong in their lives, and so it goes. on and on and on. Difference nowadays is how we handle it. Been going on since the world began.
I think it takes life experience for people to realize where there problems come from or to accept that they have issues. I always picked the "wrong" person and wondered how I could when I vowed never to pick men the way my mom did but I kept on picking guys that I thought were great and then years later they showed their true colors. Or I would pick guys with red flags and stuck with them hoping to "change" them and when it didn't happen I was already attached. I started getting help and understanding myself during my current relationship when the sh!t hit the fan. But I know that if this relationship doesn't work out that I have gained some insight into my issues and I will choose a man that is completely different from what I've picked in the past and if they show any bit of a red flag sticking out of their pocket, I will run for the hills. I guess some people are doomed to repeat their mistakes. I don't think what happened in childhood should be an excuse, I think you need to recognize you have a problem and seek help for it. Just as an alcoholic would.
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