Mid-life crisis, the end of a 20 year relationship?

[elbship]

I am 44 years old have been in a relationship with a wonderful man (47 years old) for 20 years. We have been married for 9 years. We have beautiful 9 year old twin boys. In the past year my husband often complained that he was unhappy in his job and with his life and admitted to being in a full blown mid-life crisis. He always said however, that his unhappiness had nothing to do with the kids or me but that everything else in his life was 'wrong'. I believed him.In fact I always thought that we had a very strong marriage. We seldom fought and shared hobbies and interests and aso had our own separate lives. In Nov. 08 I discovered that he had just started an affair with a colleague who is 10 years younger than I am and who is single. The cliche! I was devastated, shattered and asked him to move out of our home and reflect what he really wanted.The kids and I spent 2 weeks with my family over christmas 08 and didn't hear anything at all from my husband. In that time he moved in with his colleague and stayed with her for 2 months until he found a small appartment where he now lives .He wrote me a 6 line email after christmas to let me know that he wanted to go ahead with a separation so that he could be alone and find out what is truly making him unhappy and what he wants to do with his life. It is now end of Feb 09 and he is still seeing the colleague. We met once in early Jan 09 in a cafe where he told me that he wasn't sure how much of his unhappiness was caused by our relationship and how much by work and lack of recognition for his work etc.  He did however, tell a mutual friend that he felt that our interests had grown apart and that he loved me 'less and less'; that we were no longer soul mates, that we didn't love each other enough.  Also that we rarely made love. I am so shocked by the huge differences in our 2 perspectives of the health of our relationship. I was happy and fulfilled and he apparently was 'miserable' over the past 2 years. Is it possible that I could have been so blind? Or is he merely using these arguments as a reason to leave? He is a man of words and writes for a living, however he still has not been able to tell me all of the above personally or what happened or what is happening or what he wants. Now that he has his own place, the kids can go and stay with him and have sleepovers there. This means that we have to make arrangements for the handover at the weekends. I find this regular contact extremely difficult and emotionally upsetting every time. Unfortunately due to the irregularity of his work schedule we cannot have a regular set up. Also, he comes to my house once a week to put the kids to bed and read to them.This is always very difficult for me too as it requires a tremendous act of self-will. I do my utmost to be poised and friendly yet distant. Once he leaves, I usually collapse in a heap on the couch. I know that kids need their father and am willing to do everything for them. I am however trying to build up the courage to ask him not to come to the house anymore.  I am absolutely torn as I want him back and our family to be whole again - yes I still love him - but am also  absolutely disgusted and shocked by his behaviour . It i also do depressing that our crisis is one big cliche. I have moments where I could scream at him and tell him to get lost forever and others where I am consumed by tenderness and love for him. What should I do? Am I fighting a losing battle?

[iam1butterfly]

the post that I just left is meant for you, elbship... (sorry, mami1323)... iam1butterfly

[iam1butterfly]

Some people call it "the seven year itch." Others label it as a "mid life crisis." I've even heard it called an "epiphany." But, I wouldn't call it a "cliche," although it's understandable why you would call it that. It's just one of the many unforeseeable complexities of life. Who knows why your husband has changed towards you. No doubt, his "unhappiness" plus a measure of emptiness has a lot to do with it. He has, however, an important bond with his children that has apparently not changed. That bond should be maintained; and, I think that you're doing an exceptionally good job with that. But now, where does that leave you? Unfortunately, in a very tough position as you must face him, for the sake of your children, as though all is well... when it is not! Must he see the children in your home? While this arrangement may serve his convenience; it is at great emotional expense to you. Express your (understandable) feelings of discomfort with him and see if a compromise can be met, such as seeing the children at some neutral location (i.e. the home of a relative.) I think that you need time and some physical distance from him, in order to process the shock and disappointment of this. You might also want to consider getting some counseling. Best wishes to you and your sons.

[mami1323]

I think there is nothing much you can do.  I'm sorry that he could so easily detach himself from his family.  It's sad that instead of communicating his unhappiness to you prior to ending the relationship, he began to pursue a new one with someone else.  It is completely selfish and immature.  He is obviously unwilling to try and work on your marriage.  At that point what else can you do.  You can try to have a mature sit down conversation with him to try and get your questions answered, only for your closure, but don't expect him to turn around and tell you that he wants to be with you.  If you aren't comfortable with him coming to the house then tell him that you want to work out a regular visitation schedule with him and the kids.  It's unfair from him to come and go as he pleases when he was the one who stepped out on his family.  But since you do share children together and he still wants to be there for them, that is something that you need to deal with.  You have to learn how to separate your feelings for your children.  I'm sure it is hard but you have to look at it as the kids getting to spend time with their dad.  I wish you the best, that's a very difficult situation to go through, I hope it all works out for you and that your heart heals.