Mixed Messages

Alright, So I met this girl in February, We'll call her "Jane"
Well, I met Jane at school,  she is 18, a year older then me.
To make things stranger, I am a senior and she is a Junior.
Age doesn't matter to us though. We accept it. Now when I first met her
we got along real well, We related to each other ALOT. So, we stay great friends until just last weekend. I was'nt sure if she liked me until she asked me to prom. Which made me feel kinda bad for not asking her, but I said Yes. So we go to prom,
We dance, and "our song comes on" (Lost without you- robin thicke)That was when I knew i had to do something, so at the end of the song, as it faded out, I looked her in the eyes and told her "I love You" and we kissed. Truly a perfect night? Yes. After that day she couldn't stop telling me how much she loves me and how deep shes fallen for me. She was my first kiss and girlfriend, so I fell just as hard too! Now, this past memorial day weekend we spent from thursday-monday everyday all day with each other in nevada. During the whole weekend she was self reserved. I could tell something was bothering her but when I asked she said nothing. I didnt want to get annoying so I tried my best to make things more fun.
there were parts she did open up to me. but those did'nt last long :(
Finally we get back monday and she messages me basically telling me that shes really confused and doesnt know whats going on in her head.
thats when I realize.. oh damn. im about to have my heart broken.
well, i message her back trying to re-assure her that its just a phase and we'll make it through it together.. she doesnt have the same faith as me though.
now IM confused! I mean it seems just like yesterday she was writing me poems, kissing me, telling me im hers forever, all that good stuff
and now she just wants to "be friends".

Im so hurt from all of this. I actually cried for the first time since 2001 (when my grandfather passed). So it hit me pretty hard. Everyday for me goes by so slow. We do keep a really good friendship still. I was very understanding of her situation and i DONT want to lose her.

here are some facts that could've played part in her decision.

1) I am leaving to USMC bootcamp in july
2) Im graduating from H/s in like 10 days.

now, prior to entering this relationship, she was very aware and extremely supportive of my decision.
so i dont know what changed. and now. im friggen DIEING because i miss holding her hand, kissing her lips and having her hugs.

im so hurt and I want things to go back to normal.
but she wants to give it time and let things "blossom" on it's own.

but i fear time will just make things worse :(

what do i have to do to keep her! somebody please help. im driving myself crazy

she is my first LOVE,
i know she still has feelings for me because whenever we're together, she always leans on me or torwards me or just looks at me and kinda smiles.. like she used to when we first started dating.

i dont know what to do! please help me :(

Sorry for such a LONG post!

[pertykitty]

after reading your whole letter, which i say was great for a young man as yourself, i can say it could have to do with age (i remember that age its very difficult) or that you are leaving for boot camp. as a wife of a man in the gulf right now, i can say its not an easy task. i dont know you and im worried for your safety. this young lady might be terrified as well. you have many obsticles ahead of you. there are many things you might have to endure that do not need love or girls distracting your thoughts. are you sure you want to join the military?? sigh. if this is as far as your relationship should go, you have some great memories!!  even if she should want to try to work it out, you will be all over the world. you will be gone for 6 months, a year at a time. those kinds of relationships dont usually work out, high divorce rate in the military. everyone needs a first love, and im glad you got to have yours before you left. take care of yourself!! be safe. im sorry if i didnt say what you wanted to hear, but i wanted to speak with honesty.

[AHP84]

Ah man, your post really tugged at my heartstrings! You sound like a very caring, respectful, gracious young man to this girl.

I hope what I tell you might help, but it might be hard to hear.
Okay, you're still a teenager, you've got a lot of life ahead of you and even a lot of maturation to experience, especially in the relationship department. She's your first love, and she'll always be someone you fondly remember if you love her as much as you say you do, which I don't doubt. But very, very rarely do high school sweethearts/first relationships last forever. You've got to understand this.

The only thing I can say is that I believe you're making all the right moves so far: you've got a career lined up with the Marines and you love and respect this girl enough to give her the space she wants, the time she needs, and you're not being annoying about it (if you were, she wouldn't still be looking at you like she has feelings for you). Keep it up.

And perhaps, for your own benefit, you should tell her that you're jgoing to back off for awhile. Give yourself some time away from her, or at least limit close contact and long conversations. Maybe, just maybe, if she sees that you distance yourself from her, tell her why, but don't cut her out of your life completely, she'll realize what she wants--either to let you go or keep you.

Honestly though, don't count on it lasting. It hurts, and I'm really sorry that you have to go through such heartbreak if it comes down to that. But you'll heal and move on. You will. And I personally think you will make a wonderful husband to a very lucky lady someday!

Best wishes to your future with the Marines, and a personal thanks for fighting for our country and our freedoms!

[bip]

You sound like your very smart and you are doing the right moves. keep up the good work

[downtroddenpessimist]

also, im not just joining the Marines for the wrong reasons
I want to be an Intelligence Specialist and right after bootcamp
get started on a masters degree program and martial arts program so that they are investing so much time and money into me it would be foolish to send me.

i try to keep my intentions pure in everything I do.

money is not the key to survival.
kindness is.

if you give out of pure kindness, you gain so much more in return.
i've learned that in many cases.

[downtroddenpessimist]

thank you both so much for your replies.
it is hard to hear and I guess I kinda expected to hear it sooner or later.
Yes im sure about the military. If you only knew the person who I used to be, You would know that I am very very mature for my age, as for the whole "love thing" I know I am a teenager and that I really dont know what I want in life yet. Im a completely different kind of teen though, I mean i find respect from adults more then I find respect from kids my age. I've always been taught to be a Leader, not a follower and i rarely associate with anybody that doesnt have a mind of their own. well, back to topic. While you were replying, she invited me over to her house. Her mom and I talked alot and I heard what put me at ease.
Basically her mom was saying that it doesnt have anything to do with age. But school. "Jane" wants to complete highschool before relationships come upon and the way the mom was talking to me sounded like "jane" truly does still love me. she spoke of how her and her husband first got along.. they dated for 5 years.
before i heard that, i never thought that kind of a relationship would last.
I do plan on having a 4 year stint in the Marines so that I can get alot of training and experience in things they dont teach in school or at home. such as
Fine tuning responsibility, discipline, leadership, teamwork, etc. so that when I get out, I can get into a good job. Her parents are really supportive of me, and I believe that has a HUGE impact on Jane. I understand military relationships dont work out, but could that only be because the couple truly dont trust eachother?
or they dont have faith?
When i make a commitment to someone, it's not an act of impulse, I put alot of thinking into it. And I really do think jane and I have a strong chance of pulling through together. tonight helped me alot. I can see it in her, she doesnt want to lose me and I dont want to lose her.. I may sound dumb when I say this, but this is really the Girl for me. I've met many others, but they were never like jane. I think what will help us the most in our future, is that we both understand each others wants and needs. and we are both willing to cooperate and get through disagreements in a civil matter. I told her before we started dating that I do not want to rush anything because I value your friendship more then anything in the world, and to lose that would hurt.
and its the truth, knowing i have a person like her by my side makes me strong and more confident then ever.

im just babbling now.

thank you guys very very much for your input.
there is still a possibility i am wrong about all this and maybe im just caught up in the moment? i guess time will tell correct?

goodnight.

[AHP84]

Your personality sounds SO MUCH like mine when I was a teen (which wasn't too long ago; I'm 22).
All I can say is to keep your focus on pursuing your military career as much as possible. You've really got a good thing going for you, and you're being very wise about your future plans and opportunities.
As for Jane, be patient and keep doing what you're doing. Clearly, you're doing nothing wrong. She still loves you, she supports you, and you're in good with her parents (and that is VERY important in itself). Your patience and respect is bound to pay off in some way or another. Don't rush anything, and don't get overly emotional about her (at least, not to her face). Because trust me, trying to rush anything in a relationship based on your emotions is bound to make everything go wrong--it happened to me with my son's father, and to this day there is still some "scarring" we share from our rocky past.
I truly believe you're doing everything right. Don't change anything about what you're doing or how you're handling things.
In your case, only time will tell what your future holds. Stay strong, stay patient, stay focused, and mostly, keep showing your love, respect, and support for Jane and honor to her parents.
Best wishes to you.
-AJ

[RockRose]

downtrodden - bless your heart.  I think we've ALL been where you are,  young in love.

The one concern I have (maybe I'm misunderstanding your words) is that you don't think you'll get sent overseas?    I think you REALLY need to clarify your commitment,  and understand what exactly the chances are that you will be deployed before you actually go to Boot Camp.  If it's not your intention to deploy,  I don't think it would be wise at ALL to join the military right now.  I don't think it's the case that "the more they spend training you,  the less likely they are to actually use you".  

Best wishes.

[misscloey]

Wow, you are so sweet. It sounds like she may have another person on her mind. I was in a similar situation when I was your age, and I was in love with two people at the same time. In love with one for a long time who I wanted desperately, but he was moving back to Texas (I was in CA) In love with the other and living together but comfortable and he took care of me. (Now, realizing it was more of a "comfortable" kind of love almost like a parent. The other guy I wanted soooo bad and for soooo long, but he had some issues and was moving far away.(I married him, and have been married to him for 15 years) I don't really know how well you KNOW her, do you think it is possible that there could be someone else involved that you are unaware of? I think that whatever the case, what you are doing is absolutely the right thing. I know it is torture for you, but giving her the space she needs is the best thing you can do right now. I think that pushing her would only push her away, that will show her your selfish side. She may just be concerned and scared about you leaving in July, committing your love to someone who is leaving indefinitely is pretty scary. Especially where you are potentially heading. My best to you and your relationship with her, also stay safe and thankyou for your service to our great nation.    

[downtroddenpessimist]

ahh, so here is the detail i left out that could play a major role

her and her best friend who we'll call "Mary" are really close, like, sisters almost. they've known eachother for almost a year. and when Jane started seeing me, I think that kinda made Mary jealous because jane was spending alot more time with me. and when mary finally told jane how she felt, jane had a decision to make..

either lose a best friend thats she had for a year, or work things out between her and I.

now, i kind of understand that situation but my perspective on that is

if shes really your best friend, wouldnt she understand? i mean if my friends wanted to hang out with their girlfriends instead of me on weekends i wouldnt make a huge scene baout it.

now that i look at the whole picture, this is what i've come to think:

1 she still has one more year of school to finish,
2 she doesnt want to completely lose her friendship with her best friend or me
3 shes afraid of what might happen once i join the military.

now, i think all those are what made her feel lost, confused etc..

its hard for me to take in but it is understandable.

ugh, it still so hard to figure everything out!

no matter what conclusions i come up with, i still feel im missing sosmething.

when we were together there was nothing that bothered any of us, then in, like a day shes completely different as if someone told her something.

to make things worse, i got our prom pictures today haha

ahh more memories.

thank you all for everything, hopefully things we'll go smooth.

im supposed to be hangin out with her sat and sunday.. by her request..

so wish me luck! ;)

[bip]

I definitely agree with you.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Hello young man,

You will meet many wonderful women and have many relationships in your life.  This girl may just not be ready for a serious relationship.  Back off, be her friend and continue pursuing your passions.

I am old enough to be your mum and I vividly remember how it felt the first time I got my heart broken.  You will recover from this.  You will find the girl for you, you have lots and lots of time.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Five years from now you will smile when you look at those prom pictures.  This girl will be a fond, distant memory.

Good luck and I truly hope you are safe in your service.

[downtroddenpessimist]

ugh.

everytime we hang out together she still leans toward me alot kinda hinting like she wants to be held.. the way i interpreted it.

or when we walk she walks close by me real close like she used to when we'd hold hands all the time.

why do women have to be so brutal ha ha?

[peekawho]

Just something to consider--if your username reflects anything of your personality, you may want to try to do something about that.  

You may also be reading too much in to small actions on her part, because you want this so badly.

[allee0481]

well hello.  The way you write, you seem kind of mature for your age.  That's good.  Few men keep up with the maturity scale these days as compared to women. hahaha...

It's obvious bro.  your girl really wants your company and your comfort, nevertheless.  Just let things be this time.  Don't rush or dig deeper into something that's not quite there yet.  Be content with "what is" right now and just savor the moments with her... Think about what is good for the both of you.  You're still young and you've got a heck of bright future ahead of you.  If you're really meant to be, God will lead you back to each other's arms in one way or another.  I believe that there's a time and place for everything.  You just have to let go and wipe out the fodder that blurs your sense of focus.

Bro, you're one wonderful young man. You've got a lot of potential as I believe so.  I'm sure Jane thinks the same; hence sacrificing her feelings for you because she knows that you'll just get distracted every time especially if you're already  somewhere else.  You must be lucky she's also mature enough to let you be.  That's love, loving without expecting, demanding or wanting.  Things will fall into place  eventually. Just love her in ways you know as she does to you and let that love fuel your desires to pursue the career you want.

Remember, whatever the wishes and desires of your heart, let God's will be done and you'll never go wrong.  TRUST HIM.  

Good luck and God Bless.





  

[downtroddenpessimist]

thank you so much for that post. it really did give me the motivation to not just say screw it and just part ways.

ugh! Everyday I wake up, look in the mirror and ask "Why Me?"

I always get my hurt.

[downtroddenpessimist]

Btw, Im not a downtrodden pessimist at all.
Im very optimistic actually.

[peekawho]

Ok, then great choice for your name, huh?

Here's what you said just above this post:

"ugh! Everyday I wake up, look in the mirror and ask "Why Me?"
I always get my hurt."

Sounds a bit downtrodden and pessimistic to me.