Ok so my cousin called me today asking what she should do. Here is the situation.
My cousin is 25 years old. Has a good job and her priorities in line. Something happened between her and her room mate and she ended up moving in with her parents until she found another place. So she moved her things into her parents spare bedroom and waited for her then boyfriend, now fiance to move out of the barracks so they could get a place together. Well finally the day has come. She told me that they started moving in yesterday & that they are expecting a baby next year! Shes 8 weeks pregnant. She didnt tell her parents she was moving and just started taking her clothes to her new place. Well our aunt found out and told my cousins mom. So my cousins mom asked her and she said "yes" now her mom isnt speaking to her! I told her that that is ridiculous and that she is 25 years old and shes old enough to make her own decisions. I asked her if she asked her mom why she was mad...she said all her mom did was roll her eyes, call her bf a jacka** and said shes too young to be living with a guy and then told her she was no longer speaking to her. Heres what i dont understand...her 17 year old sister who has a 6 month old baby, just graduated from high school and lives with her boyfriend that the parents despise, is spoiled!! To me, 25, employed, engaged & pregnant...i think moving in with the fiance/father of the baby is a great start to a new life! What do you guys think? I wonder what her mom will say when she tells her shes pregnant LOL!
I think it's probably just shock. She didn't have any warning that she was going to be moving out. Maybe she was also just hurt because your cousin did not tell her that she was moving out. Give her some time and she will probably come around. It's a change and some people just don't like change and need time adjusting.
When I first read your post I had in mind what I was going to write. It was not what Rockrose wrote . . . but that really makes sense.
I was going to say that perhaps her mom is hurt that her daughter has some very serious life changing things in the works--------- moving in with boyfriend, getting married . . . and the biggie-------- she's pregnant. . . and she didn't tell her any of it. She allows her to move into her home and then starts moving out without saying anything (pretty rude) and didn't include her mom in any of these huge things in her life. I'd be really hurt if my daughter treated me that way.
But then I read Rockrose's comments and I must say that she made me pause. Absolutely true, her mom is probably worried about the decision making of this 25 year old daugher that isn't that far off from her 16 year old.
Your cousin should eat crow and apologize to her mother for not including her in her life a little more. Just my opinion.
I just re read what I wrote and it sounded a little harsh and I didn't mean it that way. I always encourage mother/daugher relationships to work out and for people to get along. Sometimes there is more going on that what is on the surface but both mother and daughter benefit by making up. So as a person that loves them both, I'd try to encourage her to do that. Okay, good luck to your cousin!
Im pretty sure its just that the mom is angry because she wasnt told she would be moving out already. But she was told that the move in was only temporary. And my cousin is or was on birth control and she doesnt believe in abortion. They had planned to get married this september. Regardless of what her little sister did, i dont think she should have to get the enraged side of anyone...shes a grown woman with a wonderful career and her mom just needs to get over it.
Also her oldest sister got pregnant at 19 and has 2 kids now and the youngest at 16...i think getting married at 25 and having her 1st baby next year is a pretty damn good age. Im sorry if i sound offended, but im very close to my cousin and ive seen it up close how she gets treated differently from the ones that have kids. Its not fair to her or what she plans on doing in her life, if she wants to get married and have a baby then why should her mother being angry stop her from doing that? Her mother tried to get the other two to get abortions! And im pretty sure shes gonna try to make my cousin do it once she finds out.
I guess I'm odd man out here...I honestly don't see anything wrong with moving in with the fiance or them deciding to start their family now. She's 25...she's an adult. she has her life in order, a job, a loving man who is there for her and the baby. should she have told mom she was moving? yeah, if i were mom i would be very upset to find out through someone else that person in my own home was moving out. that should have been dealt with a bit better. is mom over reacting? absolutely! i'm turning 25, married (yes, i got pregnant BEFORE i was married, and no it was NOT an accident.) with almost 2 year old twin boys. aside from dh, mom was the first to know. in fact...she was there when i tested. when dh and i found our place (i stayed with mom through my pregnancy since dh was stationed in D.C and I was a high risk pregnancy) we told her. In fact we told her when we started looking and told her the week before I moved out. Gave her time to start adjusting.
daughter should probably apologize for not telling mom about moving out. Mom should realize that daughter is not 16. she is an adult and not screwing up her life by living it and starting her own family . daughter told mom that it was a temporary situation so mom should not be surprised daughter moved out...or in with fiance.
There is nothing wrong with it. There are just statistics that point to marriages having greater difficulty when it starts this way. And it probably isn't every mother's dream. But that is just life. Sometimes it happens to us and sometimes we make it happen. Either way, all should make the best of any situation.
I would anyone who sees their pregnant cousin fighting with her mother to help smooth over the fight. It will not benefit her cousin one bit to be feuding with her mother and "just get over it" does not give ownership that her mother was allowing her adult daughter to move back in and doesn't even get the benefit of hearing she's moving out before she starts doing it. And to be honest---------- my mother would have thrown a fit if I moved in with my boyfriend. She'd want me married first. I say that I won't feel that way with my kids . . . but I might. I don't know. My dream is for them to meet a wonderful person and fall in love. Have a wedding and be married for a bit and then have children. Best chance for success and staying married when it happens that way. But life doesn't work out how we planned. Then you deal with it. Her mom will deal with it but it is unfair to not understand that she might be disappointed. All just my opinoin!!
I am bemused to say the least? I think some of the people who posted here were horrified when I told a 19 year old to build a life of her own and that she had no business trying to go for a long term relationship are saying that a 25 year old is, essentially, wrong in kicking herself out of the nest for a long term relationship?
Now don't get me wrong I do feel that sneaking is wrong and does not promote a healthy relationship in her mom or encouraging signs as to how conflict will be handled in general.
But overall I would say this lady is doing the right thing but perhaps not in the classiest manner (only one point for style)
I think that she should have gave her mom a heads up..."hey mom, we found a place and im going to be moving out soon" wouldve probably avoided an argument.
I personally think that she took a better path than her sisters in waiting until she was in her mid 20's start a family. But i wish your cousin all the best!! I think her starting a family is a beautiful thing! Shes 25, get started lol!
I'm pretty up front in all posts that certain things are going to give a relationship (generally speaking) a better chance at survival. But I relationships are all unique and I wish every single one great success. The poster is wondering about the feelings of the mother (who it doesn't even sound like she even knows yet that her daughter is pregnant) and my advice is to do what you can to help them mend the relationship vs. jumping on the band wagon and ranting on her mother with her. To see if from her mother's point of view can be helpful for that and opening up your home to someone and having them leave without telling you is rude.
I wish her cousin every joy in the world. I'm sure everyone else does as well. It wasn't telling her she did anything wrong it was explaining how her mother might feel and why she might be worried. It was an effort to have a mother daughter resolve their differences.
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