Mother-Daughter

[BluCrystal]

Hi everyone.  My 17 year old daughter, "Amy" is driving me insane.  I go to her room to wake her up, saying good morning in a bright voice, and she FLIPS OUT.  She yells that she could have slept another 30 seconds YES SHE REALLY DID SAY THAT, and that she has an alarm.  I feel that as her mother, if I feel that she should not be in bed (work, school, etc), I have the right to go wake her up if she is not awake at what I feel is the appropriate time.  She seems to have this 'holier than thou' attitude toward me in general.  We don't always argue, but we do quite frequently.  And it's always about what I am doing wrong?!?!?  I love Amy, she is my only girl, and she enjoys a life that is the best I can give her, as she has ALL HER LIFE.  She makes me want to just sit down and cry alot of times right now, and I'm trying to get a job, and keep house, and just trying to get the heck by in this life WITH her, and she feels that she should not have to cooperate some times, and it FRUSTRATES ME TO NO END.  Amy is a good girl who hangs with good people, does not do drugs, drink, or smoke.  She is academically and musically GIFTED.  Really.  Her grade point average never goes below 3.8 (out of a possible 4.0 in case you don't know).  She takes college classes in high school.  No mother could ask for a better daughter... except for this crap I get from her.  Is it teen angst, the fact that she is gifted, the fact that she seems to not have any interest in boys OR girls in a romantic sense, the way we live a simple barely-ends-meeting life when all of her friends (really) have big nice homes with beautiful yards,  Amy's friends also have parents who can afford to give them money.  Amy has to work for her money.  Her first car is an old beater we found for way cheap.  Her friends drive cars new off the lot, bought for them by their parents.  I'm starting to feel like I am just not good enough as a parent to this beautiful, angry girl!  Help me please?!?  Blessings - Blu

[LeAnn_Lore]

As a teen myself, I know I can be a pain in the butt to my mother. I hate waking up and also get angry when my mom tries waking me up before my alarm goes off. Sometimes from not getting enough sleep, I am moody when I am woken up. Maybe she needs more sleep. Does she go to bed at a decent hour? Not counting playing on any phones or computers either.

[swabes]

Hi Blu,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this with your daughter.

I agree with China7, you describe Amy as a real terrific girl. Great grades, no drink or drugs or trouble with police and seems to have a great social circle.

At 17 I was similar, I had got good grades in school and I knew it, I had worked for them. I knew from school that I wast the worst daughter in the world. I was experimenting with alcohol at a time when girls my age had discovered it 2 or 3 years before. I KNEW I was a 'good girl' of sorts, so I really resented when my mum gave me a hard time, I felt like screaming 'give me a break!' - like nothing I did would be good enough.

My mum and I have far from the perfect relationship now but we wrestled our way out of the worst of it and found some middle ground. I'm not saying that her behaviour is excusable, just giving a different perspective I guess.

Don't feel down hearted about it. You sound like an amazing mom, you're doing a great job and teaching her valuable life lessons. Shell eventually learn that mother and daughter don't always have to be pitted against each other, and that its actually a lot healthier to consider you the closest friend she will ever have.

[Chima7]

That reminds me, in reading your post again Blue, it's very possible that your daughter feels the same way you are feeling, like no matter how well she does in school and stays out of trouble that its still not good enough for you (like how you said she makes you feel). By you giving her a hard time about waking up and probably in other ways, you might be sending her a message that she still isn't doing things right. Probably if you ease up on her and let her do things on her own, she will probably feel like you trust her to make her own decisions. At 17 she is at that point where she is asserting her independence and you need to let her grow in her maturity.

I agree totally that you should have a talk with her to help you both get on the same page. Let her know that you're proud of her and that she is doing a great job. That will go such a long way toward improving things, I'm sure of that. Then you can also find out how you can make some changes to make things better between you two.

[beccaboo111]

I'm also a 17 year old girl. I can be a bit moody with my mother at times and we don't always see things eye to eye, but I couldn't imagine ever making her cry. If it's really bothering you, I would just recommend sitting down and having a good talk with her, Listen and try to understand her more and in return ask that she does the same. Also when my father passed away my mom and I went to a lot of counseling together which also helped us to see things from each others perspectives. Good luck :) Your daughter will come around, You're a great mom, and no matter what you'll no doubt be her best friend.

[Chima7]

At her age, she is perfectly capable of waking herself up. I can understand why she would get so mad if you go wake her up entry day. That would get super old for me too. She doesn't need you to wake her up. You're treating her like a baby by doing that, so I'm sure if you stopped doing it she would feel a lot better.

Secondly, that's the only thing you mentioned that was causing trouble in your relationship. What else is she doing that is driving you crazy? The moodiness is very par for the course for someone at her age. I wouldn't take it personally. What else have you got going on with her?

[Life360_Dave]

Hi Blu. Its so very difficult for people to live together in general. Different opinions, different values. different goals in life. All we can do is try not to push buttons that cause issues. She lives in your house but wants to live like its her house. She settles in to feeling thats its her house, then you come in and wake her up even though she set her clock/
If shes a right on person. try to give her the space. The space as if it were her house. The more mature she grows the more space she will want and need till eventually she get her own place.

[nursegirl6572]

I agree with SM.  Sounds like she's a pretty great kid, and the attitude sounds pretty typical for a teen.  My daughter is 15 and is moody.  Kids that age also usually like to sleep in a lot.  Often, they stay up late and sleep in (especially during the summer).  As long as it's reasonable and she isn't sleeping until like 2 or 3, I think you could probably let it go a little.

Maybe just make it clear what your expectations are (that you don't want her sleeping all day), and then tell her that you think she does a great job of being responsible, so you are going to let her wake up independently.  Tell her that IF you notice that she's not getting up like she's supposed to, then you will resume waking her up.  At least give her a chance to show you she will do it herself.  

I too think picking your battles is important.  My husband thinks everyone should be up and "doing something" every day by like 8.  Even the kids.  I've finally got him to budge a little and understand that it's okay if they sleep in a little, so that's one big screaming match we have eliminated for the most part.  And the little one is up every day by 6 (or earlier) without fail...lol.  

Whatever you're doing, you're doing a good job.  Don't sweat the small stuff!  :0)

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, in all honesty, you describe a pretty terrific girl.  Responsible about her school work and life.  If she requests to wake herself  to her alarm, why wouldn't you honor that?  

My suggestion is to pick your battles.  Power struggles over how she wakes in the morning aren't worth all these bad feelings, are they?  If you have something for her to do, let her know before bed so she can adjust her clock ahead of time.  

Again, pick your battles and don't cause frustration for yourself or her when there doesn't need to be.  good luck