My Boyfriend has his kids sleep with him when he has them

[RJT2012]

My Boyfriend has been divorced from his ex-wife for almost 6 years.  I have known my BF for 3 of those years and we have been dating for a year now.  He has two kids, a boy who is 11 1/2 and a daughter who just turned 6.  Their divorce was final only 6-months after their daughter was born.  Mom has custody and Dad gets the kids every first, third and fifth weekend.  He also gets them for 6 weeks in the summer and rotates major holiday every year.  Every since his divorce he has his kids sleep him his bed with him.  His reason for it is due to the fact that he gets very little time with them and so he wants to be as close to them as he can, every moment he can (including while sleeping).  Almost 6 years has past and this still continues.  He does have another bedroom for the kids but refuses to buy a bed.  He has a queen size air mattress for when guests come over or when I stay over on the same weekend as the kids.  I have been staying over on the weekends (on the air mattress in the other room) for about 6-months now.  The kids, especially his daughter always beg me to stay.  When the kids are not there I sleep in the bed with him.   It is very rare that he and I are not together every single night at either his place or mine.  Basically we stay at his place 95% of the time though.  I personally feel that both of the kids are too old to be sleeping with him on a regular basis.  I also know that to get them out into another room and into their own beds will not be easy.  His son may be easier than the daughter since his son has hinted at getting his own bed for the other room.  The daughter, not so much.  Just this past weekend, on Christmas night I stayed over.  His daughter had already fallen asleep on the couch so he carried her up to bed.  We blew up the air mattress down stairs so we could lay on it as his son, him and me played video games.  He ended up falling asleep on the air mattress before we ended the night.  Shortly after his daughter came down stairs, sad, looking for her dad.  She crawled onto the air mattress next to him and fell back asleep.   Before I knew it I was without a bed.  His son went upstairs to dad’s bed.  Dad and daughter stayed asleep on the air mattress.  Dad woke up a couple of times and I suggested that they move upstairs to his bed to be more comfortable.  He just said that he was too tired to go upstairs and to carry his daughter upstairs.  He told me to lie down on the other side of him and go to sleep.  I was left with no room, no pillow and no blanket because his daughter was using them all.  I am not sure how to talk to him about all of this because it is such a touchy subject.  He began talking about moving in together over the summer and said we would when our leases were up which are in the next 2-4 months.  He has been the main on discussing moving in together, and I am all for it, but not if I have to move out of what would then be my room every other weekend when the kids are there.  I don't think it is right for kids their age to sleep with parents but I don’t know how to approach this sensitive subject.  In the end, this may drive us apart and that is not what I want but I refuse to let kids dictate my life.  I understand that things are different since kids are involved and our day-to-day activities revolve around the kids when they are here (which is perfectly fine).  I just don't agree with the sleep arrangements.
Oh, and at their mom’s house, each kid has their own bedroom and bed that they sleep in every night.  According to his son this works well and there are no problems at home with these arrangements.  
Please help!  Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Londres70]

Would have to agree with Boognell.  

[specialmom]

Two things-----  many cultures it is actually the norm to have a family bed.  It is the choice of a lot of families for whatever reason.

That is thing one.

Thing two is that I really do think you've been accomodating and reasonable thus far.  Your story of not having a bed and asking him to move upstairs and his not doing it really showed me that you are not unreasonable or being jealous.  You are thinking logically about the future with someone that might displace you from your bed when his kids are there.  I really don't think that is fair.  

I think you can tell him exactly what you said here----  that you like the idea of moving in with him but want to feel like your bed is your bed.  I would suggest that you find a bigger place ---  maybe even a three bedroom if at all possible and set up rooms for the kids.  Make it fun---  you can decorate on the cheap and make it something each kid would think is special.  At the very least, his son is wanting his own room so it is reasonable to ask your boyfriend to comply with his wishes.

Now, his daughter is a bit trickier.  This is ALL she has known of her dad.  Whether she really likes sleeping with dad or not, it is their routine.  So, making the transition exciting with the new things in the room would maybe help.  

If he is really resistent, then you must decide if you want to proceed.  I do think when routines are set up with a parent and their kids----  the new partner can ask for changes but that doesn't mean the parent has to agree to them.  They have to do what they feel is best for their child.  But you have every right to ask this and see what he says.  Try to do it in a way to not make him defensive.  You can talk about how much you like his kids and want to get close to them and you were thinking this would be good for everyone.  

good luck!

[boognell]

When your partner has children from a previous relationship, there will always be volatile dynamics, even after the children are grown. Your situation is disturbing because I don't understand why your man wants to sleep with the kids when at home they don't practice this. Him saying he wants to spend every moment with them even while sleeping is sweet but kind of odd.  Custody issues are always sensitive. My advice to you is when the children are sleeping over, you will stay at your own place (or a friends, a hotel....somewhere) until this practice stops. I would also remind your boyfriend that his son has hinted about a bed in the other room, and ignoring this may start resentment on his son's part. Keep me posted. Good luck and God bless.