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My Boyfriend is Addicted to Porn
Okay my question is this.  I have been with this guy for a year and a half.  I didn't really know anything about him when we got together and about four months after we were together I realized things had gotten weird in the relationship.  Then one day I heard noises from the other room; sexual noises.  I got really upset because I knew what was going on after a few minutes.  I ended up in tears and didn't have the courage to confront him.  I finally did confront him about some pictures of his ex and the porn I found.  He said he watched it for education.  I knew better but I believed him.  Well, it has gotten really bad.  I finally broke down and told him if he wanted to watch it then he could at least include me in on it.  I thought that would keep him from lying to me and going behind my back.  It hasn't.  I asked him about it one day when I got home from running his errands and he denied it but I am positive that's what he was doing.  He downloads something new every day or at least every day he knows I am at work and probably won't see it.  It really bothers me that he has to lie to me about it.  Then when we do anything together I feel like a used rag doll after.  He tells me he loves me so why does he lie to me and make me feel like ****.  I have told him it makes me feel bad about myself and it's like he doesn't care.  I am to the point that I am ready to leave.  Should I just pack my stuff and get out?  I mean he obviously isn't going to change and it hurts me everyday I find more.  I need some real help here.
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686059 tn?1293837427
Oh wow...didn't notice the date of this post (lol) ok people....this post is going to be 3 yrs. old. I doubt if this person will read this or if it might help anyone, so......I didn't read the year this was written and doubt if the original poster will read it...hopefully, after 3 yrs. this issue should be resolved by now!
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176495 tn?1301284012
The best thing my wife ever said to me (other than "I do") was it's either porn or me..since that time I've come to realize how addicting it is, how offensive it is and how ruinous it can be to a relationship.. A man should come to realize just how beautiful the female body is, partifularly his mate's, and treat that body with loving care much like she wants to treat your body...porn is an addiction in my opinion, much like drugs to which I've been addicted (not anymore) and found porn harder to kick.

jim
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I met a goodlooking guy who was very quiet and shy. One of our first conversations was about my ex husband's activity on Adult Friend Finder. "I think he was cheating on me. I am not a big fan of porn. It never bothered me much before but this was a different level."
I told him I wasn't ready to get involved and cried a bit. He later wrote me that night that he hated to see me cry. He would never do anything to hurt me. He believed sex between two people should mean something and he could wait for me.
Well we started sleeping together within a month. And it was SOOO passionate. The best sex of my life. He was attentive and assured my satisfaction. There was romantic music. He told me how beautiful I was and how much he loved  me during it. I thought I was in love and had found the perfect man. He never drank. Never went to clubs. Actually, he didn't even have friends he hung out with. He owned his own painting business and worked alone.I never had to worry about him being out, meeting women, and hitting on them.
7 months later he left his e-mail open and I discovered his Adult Friend Finder profile. He stated his hobbies were painting, cunninglingus, and massage with a tag line, "Can't a guy just get a little? Is that so wrong?"
Apparently, while I was working 70 hours a week and running to the hospital to visit my friend who was dying of cancer, our sex had dimished to as little as 7/8 times a week. YES.
We discussed this calmly. He admitted it was wrong. BUT he was not actaully e-mailing these girls. "It is just more of a turn-on to look at naked girls who are local."
Over the next 15 months, by his choice we put the security on his computer. He would still look knowing I would see it and we would fight. Once we fought, and after I left the house, he went on the computer, looked at porn and then left his ejaculation on the computer desk for me or my daughter to come home and find later.
I tried to break-up and he literally cried to me, "I don't know why I keep doing this. It's like I am trying to ruin this relationship."
There were 15 months of 15 more sex profiles, daily use of porn, morning and evening no matter how much sex we had. He was insatiable. Before I learned of the porn, I thought he was insatiable because we were in love. He couldn't keep his hands off of me.He thougth I was so beautiful.
Finally, his destructive habits and my destructive reactions tore us apart. I have had a very hard timing moving on - accepting that he would rather have a life of daily porn and sex profiles than be in a commited, loving relationship with me.
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1265122 tn?1270064448
dont take it personally he is only lieing cuz he doesnt want you to get mad at him its natural for a man to look at porn you are ove reacting just a bit and i can see why i might do the same thing as you but if his only fault is that he looks at porn then you got a good man a real good man just think about the type of man you could have just pop in a porn movie while your both alone one day it will show hi that you really are interested in watching with him and then i wont bother you as much hope this helps
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Like many of you, my bf also watches porn. I confronted him about it and he lied at first then I called him out on it. I could tell he was really embarrassed to admit to me that he watches porn. I agree with parts of both sides of this debate. Our relationship is great other than this.  He's very loving and affectionate and I know that he is attracted to me. And I know that since this bothers me so much, it's my problem not necessarily his. But I can't help feeling  disgusted by the fact that looks at porn. It drives me crazy and I try to convince myself out of this insanity but I honestly think it's perverted and gross and I hate that he does it. It mostly pisses me off that guys with gf's look at porn. If you have a gf, get freaky and kinky with her! I just have a problem with the over indulgence of jerking off. It's difficult to be in a relationship with someone whom you love but does something that you hate. I just don't know how to deal with this. I've talked to a counselor but she wasn't that helpful. I think the main issue for me and for some others is that I'm envious of his attraction to porn instead of me. I'm envious of the fact that he can get turned on by porn. The crazy part of me wants to just ditch him and wish him a nice life with his porn and hope his hand doesn't get arthritis! But in the end I just really want to get over it and move on.
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honestly i think there is a big difference between "porn addiction" and just watching porn. you need to address the issue with him if you feel hurt by him still watching porn while you are his girlfriend.  as a man I think women can be a lil hasty to throw out the whole "addicted to porn" thing. if hes doing it constantly all day its an addiction...if its just casual masturbation its masturbation. I think you need to realize that men watch porn commonly and some don't see a problem with it.

you need to talk to him about it.
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We broke up. He is now dating a 28 year old bisexual that he met on a sex site - one of the many sexual 'dating' sites he was on while we were dating.
There is a HUGE difference between looking at a little porn because you are visually stimulated and being addicted to porn.
There is a difference between masturbating off a little sexual frustration and turning to these sites for validation or the high of orgasm to erase the pain in your life.
This guy looked at and mastubated to porn every day, at least twice a day - when he was in a relationship and having sex/orgasms with me 5 times a day. And yes, folks we had a healthy sex life. It was full of everything we wanted to do. He told me he loved me and I was beautiful. But our lives revolved around his sexual needs. He works for himself, so he can go to work when he likes. He would wake up, get high, have sex with me 3 times. I would leave for work and he would still feel the need to look at porn and sex sites.

When we broke up his porn habit became hours and hours a day.He spent days alone in the house, not going to work, just smoking an ounce of weed a week and looking at porn for hours on end daily. It was another drug to deaden his anger and pain.
Once we fought about the porn and he ejaculated onto the keyboard and left it there for me or my teenage daughter to come home and find. If he was home alone with my daughter, he would need to go upstairs and masturbate to porn
He tried to quit looking at porn and creating sex profiles where he discussed his desires and frustrations - rather than talking to me . He quit for 1 week and he literally was pale, irritable and short tempered.
Again, porn is one thing, but if you are in a committed monogamous relationship you do not need to create sex profiles to look at other naked women in the community who you can have the opportunity to meet in person and have sex with - like he evntually did.
Especially, if you and your partner have discussed it. If every time you do it and your partner will know about it and you will fight. He admitted he spent hours and hours of his life on pornography when he could be creating art work or something else more productive. it comes before work and hobbies - all else.
The man is 38 and in the past 20 years has had only 2 relationships that equalled 5 years. He has had more of a relationship with the images on the computer. His mother died when he was 3 and his father remarried 4 times to "crazy, mean" women. He has had no long term relationship with a woman.
This went on and on, and by his own admission, he cried and said, "...I don't know why I keep doing this. It's like I am trying to ruin this relationship." He did. I can't believe it. Still.
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Avatar universal
listen darlin i am goin through the exact same thing right now my boyfriend does it to and i am on the verge of leaving the time has come and u have to give him 2 choices you or the porn that is what i am doing.
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i have the same problem, my man says he is going downstairs to play video games, and then a few mins later i hear him making noises. he told me he has  no porn on his computer, but really he does. and he even looks up dating sites too. we have been togeather nearly 3yrs now and we are getting married next yr. maybe thats a bad idea. maybe im not good enough in bed or i dont please him enough- i dont know.  wot is it with men and porn... i would really like to know.
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Do you like porn?  If you like porn, you should just go in and sit down at the computer while he's there and check out *******.***.  Go to the video section and they have a Female Friendly category.  Maybe find out what turns him on and how those girls act in the porn videos and just play along like them while in the bedroom.  My husband says he doesn't like the dumb, ditzy girls, but in the bedroom he likes me being giggly, clueless, and slutty.  He would never want me to act like that in public or otherwise.  If I act smart, reserved, and normal in the bedroom he wouldn't be turned on that easy.  He may feel uncomfortable or maybe he will enjoy you watching porn.  I love watching porn, but my husband doesn't.  Acting out what they do in the porn video is always fun.  

The pictures of his ex....  He doesn't need to have those at all.  She is a past thing and that is over with.  There is NO reason for him to have those pictures of his ex.  You need to talk to him and tell him that it's disrepectful to you for him to still keep them.  If he doesn't want to throw them away or burn them ( I would prefer him to burn them) then he has hopes in keeping her around at some point.  That's when I would just leave him.
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I feel all of your pain.  I have been with my bf for three years now and his porn problem is in the back of my mind daily.  I feel that I am in my own personal hell.  In the first three months we were together I found out he was jumping on my computer to look at porn every chance he had.  our relationship was brand new and we were having tons of sex!  I just couldn't conceieve why he was doing it.  I confronted him and he said he would stop.  But I found evidence again. and again and again.  Now he doesnt have access to the computer so now his cell phone never leaves his side for a second.  He goes in the bathroom with it for hours.  One day I did get an opportunity to look at the history on it and of course it was completely empty and I know it is because he keeps it clear.  So in the three years we have been together, he has just learned how to be sneakier and hide it from me.  i am miserable,  I feel ugly and unattractive because of his need.  I dont even want to have sex with him cause all i can think about is what if he is thinking about those porn pics while he is doing me.  I have tried everything--even gave him naked pics of myself but apparently that is still not enough.  i feel worthless and hopeless.  i am fed up.  Why can't men put themselves in our shoes?  How would they feel if every time they left the house we were rushing to jump on the computer to look at a penus bigger than theirs?  I am sure it would make them uncomfortable.  so you know what if u cant beat them join them.  And that is what I am going to do.  Screw him!  I can play his games too!  I am going to check out some hot guys and touch myself and think about other men and I am not going to feel bad about it because he has been doing it to me for years now.  Men are dogs.
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There is a huge difference between men being upfront with women and saying, "Hey, I like porn and if you don't, you can eat rocks because I'm not going to stop". then what the majority of women encounter. Most of us fall in the category of not knowing until we witness it first hand or catch them. Not saying it's a crime but when men throw words out there like "I love you and if you want me to I'll stop" or "It doesn't mean more to me than you" men have transformed from men with hobbies to liars. If we as women are supposed to respect the fact that men are sexually visual then men need to respect the fact that women are sexually and emotionally constructed. If you are honest and upfront with us and we accept it one minute then decide it's not right, to me that's wrong. There are exceptions to the rule, like ie, at one point it was a couple thing and as of recent your guy is sneaking away and doing it in private. What's to hide I ask? this behavior often comes off to us as a form of deception. Most of us are already uncomfortable with the idea of our guy looking at naked women but we pushed over feelings to the side for the greater good of our relationship. Men can not changes the rules anymore than we can without there being some sort of disagreement. For example if your woman wears no underwear to bed everyday for a year and then out of the blue climbs into bed with tent sized granny panties for the next 6 months you guys would want to know why and would openly express your dislike for our new habit. We veiw the changing of your porn routine the same way. However, if it's something that we we're lead to believe was not an issue but as time goes on it keeps creating issues then yes, we have the right to be upset. No man would want to marry a women and 2 days after their honeymoon find out she has children. That's not fair to him because when he decide to marry her based off of what she ALLOWED to know or LEAD him to believe, he felt he was making the best choice. Granted there are some men that wouldn't be upset but most would be because a choice was made FOR them because of their partner's omission. I think that's the biggest issue when it comes to this issue. MOST women would be more than willing to please their man and fulfill any sexual request if they thought that would make their men happy. For my female counterparts, if you're not up to the task of being filmed in provocative attire, sliding down poles or butt-naked in a bath tub, to give him an alternative to surfing the net then I suggest you leave his porn fetish alone. However, if you are willing and have done these things for him and he is still searching for a peek at some random woman's whispering eye......then yes, you have a problem. It's not you, it's not an addiction and it's not even that he's a visual creature anymore.....he's just disrespectful and is flirting with the idea of seeing and  allowing himself to become aroused because it's the next best alternative to cheating. But, that's just what I think. Hope I haven't offended anyone.
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I am ok with my boyfriend looking at porn with or with out me. BUT i found out that he was talking to one girl so in deep about everything that they started sending pictures to each other. I talk to the girl she said she was a porn web girl Etc. I confronted him he lied at first and then admitted everything... we have fought and i was ready to move out...my entire out look has changed on porn.. Something i thought was normal cuz i look at it too was taken to this level that i dont even understand. He said he would stop and have self control. The thing is i still want to look at porn. i just dont trust him to now ugh help!!!!!!
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1006035 tn?1485579497
Miss Rambo makes an interesting point, that it ended up not being as big a deal as she initially thought.  I don't think it is worth it to leave someone over a porn addiction. Of course only you know the real one and outs of your relationship, but I hope  you can figure something out!
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973741 tn?1342346373
Ahhh,  this is one of the risks of porn.  Some get so charged up by it that they  lose their head and want to go further with it.  Is it acceptable to begin communicating with someone on the other end and sending pictures?  For me?  Not in this life time.  

Addiction of any sort is a negative influence on one's life by definition.  It means that one can not control themselves.  It means they put the thing they are addicted to above everything else.  It means that it is most likely filling some type of void that they have emotionally.  It should not be underestimated what an addiction to ANYTHING can do to one's life.  Losing the trust and faith of a partner is a big deal.  If one's addiction to porn puts them in a situation of having issues with their partner, it is a problem.  What someone is willing to live with and put up with is their choice.  But I wouldn't want a spouse that answered to something more important to them than me------ porn.  Nope.  

I'm not saying that all that view and enjoy porn are addicted.  I'm not saying porn is necessarily bad.  But if one partner has a problem with it and the other by their actions shows they either don't care or can't stop themselves------- I would not describe that as a good dynamic in a relationship.  If they are just dating, I'd sugget they end it over that.  But I'm practical and look to things as to what their long term outcome will be.  And I am very self protective and want to set myself up for the greatest chance of a successful relationship.  

But regardless if he is addicted or not--------  starting a mini relationship with another person due to a shared interest in porn and sending pictures is absolutely crossing the line in my opinion.  I wish you lots of luck dear as you sort this out.  
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Avatar universal
Where are all these very old posts coming from, this one from 07?
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973741 tn?1342346373
Yes, it is old Teko.  I think someone googled for a problem that related to something occuring in their life now and posted a question at the tail end of it.  I hope that Rosegirl is able to get some support here and all are always welcome to start their own thread by asking a question if they'd like more responses.  
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Avatar universal
Me and my boyfriend have been together for five years and lived together for going on three LONG years now. We've had almost every fight relationships go through. Financial, Communication, Understanding, and of-course..." the needs." Back then our sex was exciting... Now its duller than ever. I never thought about what went on with him, when I wasn't around. I just knew he wasn't cheating on me. Little did I know, it was something else.
        So it all started the one day i found porn in the history.....also Google'ing of women naked & of their feet....WTF!!!
I confronted him right away.....Well if i try to count, i know we've discussed this matter more than 5x....

Am i wrong for feeling insecure about his addiction. It makes me feel as if he needs that to "get off"...as if the way i feel doesnt matter. I wanna leave but is this a good enough reason???
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Avatar universal
Sam..most guys like porn and I'm sure your bf does love u..don't listen to all these haters and leave..maybe he has an addiction or habit..now if he is constantly looking at his x, by all means that's wrong and maybe u should leave..but he proly lie to u bc its uncomfortable or embarrassing to him to talk about it openly..try this..next time u discover him watching porn..burst in the room and take over where he is starting if u know what I mean..do this  on a regular and the porn will gradually disappear..be spontaneous with ur man and he will forget about the porn..he won't need it anymore..if this is ur only problem in ur relationship don't just leave so soon...most guys like porn..
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973741 tn?1342346373
Hey tubtat.  To me, porn is porn.  It can be destructive in a relationship or not.  When a person's significant other is bothered by it, it is worth considering that it might not be worth it.  How about the guy who has a girlfriend that doesn't appreciate porn---- instead of turning it on, fantasize about her and then go burst into a room and romance HER.  

Many men do enjoy porn but it has to get hard to have too much of it in your life if your ambitious, working a lot, have young kids that require a lot of care, and are in a fulfilling relationship.   Luckily my husband doesn't care for it.  Hey, I like it better than him.

I think couples have to deal with their problems-----------  one is not a hater to say that something is a problem in the relationship.  
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Avatar universal
i am so confused i have been with this guy for over 2 years know and at the begining we had sex alot and watched porn together but know he is going behind my back and doing it and lying about it and the thing i dont understand is that we never have sex anymore so why does he watch porn if he saposivly never plays with himself to it ? then why watch it? when i ask him to have sex he says he is not in the mood but then i will leave the room while he is on the computer to find out that he looked at porn while i left and then he lies i am so confused someone help
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Avatar universal
SCKZ SO MUCH IM GOING THROUGH THE SAME SITUATION TO. I HAVE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR TWO YEARS. IM KNOW 4MONTHS  PREGNANT AND THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON EVER SINCE I MET HIM. HES ALWAYS PROMISING ME THAT HE WONT DO IT AGAIN HES ALSO CHEATED ON ME SEVERAL TIMES AND I ALWAYS STAY WITH HIM BUT I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE HES HURTED ME TOO MUCH!! HIS PORN ADDICTION IS REALLY BAD HE DOES IT BEHIND MY BACK AND THAN SWEARS ON MY UNBORN BABIES LIFE THAT HE HASNT WATCHED ANYTHING WHEN I HAVE PROOF THAT HE HAS..HE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE NO PLACE TO GO..I DONT WANT TO BE IN THE STREET OR HOMELESS EITHER SPECIALLY WITH MY SITUATION..PLZ PLZ HELP ME WHAT SHOULD I DO I WANT TO LEAVE HIM REAL BADLY BUT WHAT DO I DO?
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I am in a similar situation here.  I moved from America to Germany to be with a man that I loved completely with all my heart.  I knew already he had a fascination for porn, but I do as well.  I am accepting of all types of porn, etc., and I am quite used to watching it with a significant other.  However, once I got here, things seemed different.  Besides other issues that needed to be worked out, I also found very early on in the relationship that he seemed to have no interest in me sexually.  It literally broke my heart, and after speaking to him several times (several times does not really begin to touch it actually), he has told me at least 6 different reasons as to why he is not really interested in sex.  He has always said, however, that it is not me.  With that being said, he has made it a point to hide watching porn from me, even to the extent where he has went on hentai websites while at work.  Being that I want to share watching porn with him, I could simply not understand this behavior.  It has even gotten to the point where we have not really been intimate with each other in quite some time, but he will sneak watching porn while I am showering and then "go to the bathroom" once I am done showering.  It hurt me so badly when he did this, but this is something I have not yet confronted him about.  I love him and everything, and the lying has gotten better (at least I think), but in terms of him being intimate with me it is almost nil.  I have told him that I believe him to be addicted to porn and hentai but he adamently denies it (but addicts do that).  I have thought to seek counseling but honestly I doubt that it will change anything.  I have spoken with him about how I feel and him denying me til I am blue in the face but it never does any good.  He has even told me that talking to him about it just makes him feel as though I am trying to push him into it.  Our relationship has seen many bad times in a short amount of time, but many good times as well.  I just feel that I cannot trust him given previous history, as well as his constant hiding of porn and hentai from me.  I honestly believe that most things can be worked out if two people really do love each other, but at the same time I do not really want to spend the rest of my life wondering why he does not want me, or with someone who is not willing to work on things to make the relationship better.  I know you cannot simply turn yourself on and off in terms of sex, but there are ways to try and make things more interesting and he is simply not interested at all.  Maybe someone has some good advice out there to assist in the situation, although I have read many good answers already :)
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I am in a similar situation here.  I moved from America to Germany to be with a man that I loved completely with all my heart.  I knew already he had a fascination for porn, but I do as well.  I am accepting of all types of porn, etc., and I am quite used to watching it with a significant other.  However, once I got here, things seemed different.  Besides other issues that needed to be worked out, I also found very early on in the relationship that he seemed to have no interest in me sexually.  It literally broke my heart, and after speaking to him several times (several times does not really begin to touch it actually), he has told me at least 6 different reasons as to why he is not really interested in sex.  He has always said, however, that it is not me.  With that being said, he has made it a point to hide watching porn from me, even to the extent where he has went on hentai websites while at work.  Being that I want to share watching porn with him, I could simply not understand this behavior.  It has even gotten to the point where we have not really been intimate with each other in quite some time, but he will sneak watching porn while I am showering and then "go to the bathroom" once I am done showering.  It hurt me so badly when he did this, but this is something I have not yet confronted him about.  I love him and everything, and the lying has gotten better (at least I think), but in terms of him being intimate with me it is almost nil.  I have told him that I believe him to be addicted to porn and hentai but he adamently denies it (but addicts do that).  I have thought to seek counseling but honestly I doubt that it will change anything.  I have spoken with him about how I feel and him denying me til I am blue in the face but it never does any good.  He has even told me that talking to him about it just makes him feel as though I am trying to push him into it.  Our relationship has seen many bad times in a short amount of time, but many good times as well.  I just feel that I cannot trust him given previous history, as well as his constant hiding of porn and hentai from me.  I honestly believe that most things can be worked out if two people really do love each other, but at the same time I do not really want to spend the rest of my life wondering why he does not want me, or with someone who is not willing to work on things to make the relationship better.  I know you cannot simply turn yourself on and off in terms of sex, but there are ways to try and make things more interesting and he is simply not interested at all.  Maybe someone has some good advice out there to assist in the situation, although I have read many good answers already :)
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973741 tn?1342346373
Hi there.  You've answered on an old post and sometimes starting your own is a better idea so you get more responses than just mine.  When adding onto an old thread,  people often overlook those.

Anyway, sadly, I think you probably know your answer.  You make some very true statements in your above post but I just don't think you've internalized them for what they mean in this relationship.  Yes, two people can conquer almost all if they want to.  Your boyfriend does not want to.  He is in denial and has no reason in his mind to change anything.  Even upon your request for intimacy.  This means----------- things will not improve.  

Most relationships actually have relatively few bad times in the begining to be honest.  That is the fun part.  The getting to know you part. The butterfly in your stomach part.  Then the hard work of forming a relationship starts.  I'm wondering how long you dated or how you knew each other prior to your moving.  Did you go from 0 to 10 in this------ just started dating and then moving there?  

Dating should be done for a while before moving in and being a couple.  Here is why------  as you date, you find out things that help you decide if you should take the relationship to the next level.  And sometimes you just shouldn't.

In this case, I think you should not.  You have a need for intimacy in your relationship and he does not.  Not compatible.

I'm sorry but I would move on.  good luck
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Avatar universal
To be honest with you specialmom, our relationship was not a normal one at all by any means in the beginning.  I know I will be getting the "stupidity of the year" award, but I guess maybe I should explain more in detail about how our relationship started.  We met on a game (waits for the "omg you stupid woman" comments), and this was just it, a game, nothing more.  As we talked more, got to know each other more, opened more with each other I began to fall for this man.  It almost was like a real relationship, dating, although not physically.  I do know that there is a major difference between the computerized world and real life, and that was a big reason I tried my best to prevent what eventually happened from happening.  As you can see, lol, I failed.  I fell in love, as did he.  I knew him for a very long time on the internet, met on webcam, etc., but it still does not compare in any way to reality.  However, I knew how we both felt for each other, and so I made that leap.  I felt that I would regret it the rest of my life if I did not.  I do realize that he and I have had a strange start, a hard start, but as things have progressed throughout our relationship, we have grown closer in many ways.  I do realize that a lot of my worries I had are unfounded and probably all in my head, but there are some major issues that need to be worked on.  I do know that he is not a cheating man, but it hurts that he wants nothing to do with me sexually most of the time.  He really is a good man, a loving man..it is hard since he has been hurt in the past, as have I.  Our strange and unusual start probably did not help matters, but I think in ways it has made us stronger in our relationship...at least in certain respects.  We do have a more honest relationship than before, due mainly in large part of me talking with him about how I feel and confronting him about things.  I do realize that a lot of major issues do take time to work out, and maybe this is another one of them.  I have seen a lot of positive changes in him and do not want to give up on it totally yet.  I am not saying I want to change him by any means, but with any relationship both parties need to "change" in certain ways to make the other happier and more comfortable.  I know I was foolish to completely jump in without testing the waters completely first, but I would not change it for anything as well.
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973741 tn?1342346373
Oh dear.  Well, there is not much I can say then.  Unfortunately, you will do a lot of sacrfificing as you are now in this relationship.  I see in your writing, hallmark signs of not only him being in denial but you as well.  And that makes for a dysfunctional relationship.  I'm sorry to be so blunt but you have expressed here that you would like a normal relationship in the romance department.  You will not have that with him.  You've asked and he does not seem to mind one bit the way it is now.  He is addicted to porn and waits for you to be busy and then goes to town all the while not looking to you for his sexual needs at all or fulfilling any of yours.  This will carry over to other areas of your relationship as it continues.  By this I mean, if a partner brings a major concern to the other, his reaction tells you what this will be like in this relationship.  Basically, tough.  Get use to it.  

You did have an unusual begining and often when people make the leap you did, they were very hungry to be in a relationship.  You are in one now and maybe see it as better than nothing.  
And what you are willing to sacrifice for your man is up to you.  Who am I to say that it is wrong.  But you did write here telling us that this is a problem . . .

This is your life to live how you want.  But unfortunately, this is what it is.  You are with a man that does not value a need for intimacy with his partner, is addicted to porn, and is not interested in working on it to please you.  If you can live happily with that---------  then good.  If not, I don't know what the alternative is at this point other than to admit that this relationship (and man) is flawed.  I do wish you luck and hope you are able to figure it out.  
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Avatar universal
I'm dealing with the same thing. I met my boyfriend online in 2001 and we moved in together in 2007. I'm now 23 and he's 27. I didn't care that he looked at porn before we lived together because I wasn't here to satisfy him. But ever since I moved in I DO feel like I'm being cheated on. The first time I caught him, he was cybering with another girl and claimed that that wasn't cheating either.

I threw away his Girls Gone Wild videos and an extremely disgusting asian porn dvd when I first moved in and he never even said anything about it. I found searches for 'anal sex' and 'anal ****' on his phone and confronted him about it - we almost broke up that day. I've found it on his computer time and time again and he doesn't care that it hurts me.

There IS an issue with men (or even women) watching porn. If you're single, whatever.. but anyone in a happy, healthy relationship shoudn't need to.. or WANT TO.. look at porn. I satisfy my man any time, any day, any way he wants it and a lot of times that means that I don't get off, but he does.. and I'm okay with that because I like making him happy.

But we've been together for about five years now and I was hoping that he'd grow the hell up a little and get over this addiction. I've caught him more than once, found it on his phone and computer. I've found everything from gangbang videos to underage anime characters and back again.

Any man who is satisfied by his woman and still needs to look at porn needs some serious counseling.

He keeps making excuses as to why he does it. The first time it was because I had Mirena inserted and he didn't think I'd be able to have sex (that was the gangbang video day). He promised me that day, when I was ready to leave him, that it would NEVER happen again. The next time it was because I didn't "take care of him" before I went to work. So I started doing that - getting up early to take care of him. Then I came home one day.. he had 20 minutes from the time I left until the time he had to leave for work and he STILL looked up porn.

And then just yesterday I came home from work to find out that he'd looked up videos on yahoo again. Now I've installed Norton Family Safety Minder (he doesn't know yet) and all I enabled it to do is block porn, nothing else. We don't get internet access on our phones and we don't get PPV  through our cable.

He says "at least I'm not cheating on you". But to me, he may as well be cheating, because it's the same thing in my mind. If you're pleasuring yourself to another woman and then ignoring me when I want you later, there's a problem. You're IMAGINING yourself having sex with this other woman and that IS WRONG, no matter what kind of label you put on it.

The first step to overcoming an addiction is admitting to yourself and those you love that you have a problem and if you can't do that, you don't deserve the woman you're with.

My man and I are on thin ice right now. I love him with all my heart but I will NOT be second best, or a second thought, after porn.
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Avatar universal
Hey everyone.. I have a problem I know my boyfriend watches porn.. I did and kinda still do have a problem with it and its only because we dont have sex but like ones or twice every week or two.. I know Im problem just crazy and I know every guy does it.. But the main think that bothers me the most is him looking at girly on youtube dancing around half naked. I think porn would be better and I dont know why? I dont know what to do. He told me he isnt going to chance and every guy does it. But I think it would bother me as much if we had sex more. We have need together for 3 years now.. and our sex life before was great. Than after the first year if went down hill like a old couple. We dont have kids or anything. I dont know what his problems is. His reason he always says is I dont want to have a kid. When I tell him thats why Im taking this Effing depo shot for you and there is something call condoms. He said he hates condoms they arent comfortable to him.. But its the same excuses everytime.. I dont want to have a kid or I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont know why I dont want to have sex with you.. Well i know that answer is because of all the damn porn.. But anyways I was trying to get some answers as to fig out what to do?
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454863 tn?1208310579
So what, hes addicted to porn.  Its not like hes hooked on crack or anything.  Realize that to cure his appetite he needs to look at it.  But you are right girl, he should involve you in it.  Best of luck
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1689024 tn?1308330466
I know exactly how u feel. My ex husband was addicted to porn. He was even in a few when he was 18 to make some quick money he said...It didnt matter how much sex we had he wuld always watch porn. I tried to act like it didnt bother me for a while, but it just got ridiculous. I walked in on him so many time that i just expected it. Needless to say we are not together anymore, but befor i ended things it was a nightly routine. He would stay up late every night and watch porn and masterbate..then come to bed. It made me feel horrible. I think its up to you and how u feel about the situation. Some women are ok with it, and some aren't.  Good Luck!
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Avatar universal
I have been dealing with my boyfriend of 3 years being addicted to porn. Because of his addiction, we only are intimate a few times a year. He can not perform or just has no interest in the real stuff. He does not involve me in his porn. He said he would not feel comfortable. He watches it every night when I am at work, if I run to the store, he has it on his phone and he sneaks off at work to take care of business. I have offered for him to go to get counseling, he said i need to find a way to deal with it. I went on medication and went to counseling. I find that my life revolves around his addiction. I can not do anything for as I know just when I walk out the door the porn will be on. I have even gone outside for 10 min before and walked in on him. I do feel that it is cheating, I feel that if he is getting sexual gratification from other means than me it is cheating. I can understand that if I was not willing then fine. but i beg, i have to try and schedule a day when he can be good for a day or two so he can maybe perform. I do not know what to do. I am mentally exhausted and wore down. I wish he was infatuated with me.
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Avatar universal
How did you do it... leave... i am having the hardest time with that. I want to so bad, I know it would be better for me in the long run. but, just making that step and the fear of having no money. my daughter and grandchild live with me and fear of not being able to support them is hard. he not only his this addiction but he hates my daughter. calls her all kinds of names and says my grandchild is a product of a one night stand. this alone should be enough to get rid of him. i want him to leave but just making that step and fearing the unknown and not being able to support my family is frightening. i have been with him for 3 years
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Avatar universal
what about VIAGRA?!

im 33 and my boyfriend is 36. i found a porn dvd at his flat for the first time 4 weeks ago and got upset. i tried to keep my cool but realised i had to talk to him about it rather than letting it pickle my head! you see, i have had a problem with porn ever since i found my dads stash when i was about 6 years old.

dont get my wrong, i pretty much hated my dad anyway, but after that i associated porn with dirty old men. i do know that this is my issue and that 99% of men look at it, i just REALLY wish i had never found that dvd at my boyfriends. anyway, i explained everything to him and why i had this problem... he tried to reassure me and said he'd borrowed from a friend, it meant nothing and he wouldnt borrow another one as he could see how upset it made me.

fine. until i then found (accidentally) a huge stash of viagra pills..

hes very ruluctantly and understandably told me he has erectile dysfunction and cant maintain an erection. apparently its been that way for a good few years (weve been together 2 years). he claims hes buying the pills of the internet and self medicating for when he sees me (we dont live together).i was sooo understanding, reassured him it didnt make a difference to me, i love him and will go to see a doctor with him if thats what he wants. however, TODAY i have found another dvd.

my issue is, firstly, the lazy bleeder hasnt had a job for nearly 12 months, is doing seemingly nothing about looking for one, so i am already resenting him for that - which i have explained to him nicely. secondly, he is quite clearly spending his time necking viagra when im not there and watching porn... surely if he put as much energy into finding a damn job then he could get a life and stop getting off to these dvd's?

by the way, in my anger, i took the dvd from his flat this morning without him knowing and came home. i havent said anything and he has no idea ive found it as he wasnt there when i did. what the bloody hell do i do now? mention it, ignore it?
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Avatar universal
i m a guys and i watch porn too.
i did not have a woman so i need to get it off(excuse me)
occationally i only see a girl i like one a week at a gym.
i feel like if you are attractive to each other. then you should not hold it back or using it as a tool or create drama. Talk to your men. if you are satisfy him then he do not have to look at porn.
think about it, if he do not use porn but he go out and sleep with someone else or get a prostitute. it could get worst!!!
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Avatar universal
This is crazy. I truly started falling for my boyfriend of 8 months... but.... He's obsessed with getting off. If I spend a weekend with him he does it 2-3 times a day (perhaps more??) and sometimes wakes me up in bed while he's doing it under the sheets... he sometimes makes jokes about washing the sheets! He was even doing this while we were visiting his friends/family overnight! They would ask me where he was and it's sad because I have to lie for him (oh he has a stomach ache, that's why he's in the bathroom AGAIN for 20 mins)

I don't get it! We have great sex and sometimes I want to he and he looks at the clock and says "good night hun" and an hour later is jerking it! WTF! Sometimes I poke him and he runs into the bathroom or shower to finish. So stupid - like I want to cuddle/kiss after that!!! And he's all "what's wrong?"

I am so hurt and don't know what to do. Part of me is like "hey, I do it too" But when I am alone/miss being touched....He knows this... but I only do it a few times a month or when I am away from him a lot. I have dated over 12 men and never had this issue (this intense at least) He's only had 2 serious relationships and the longest was 7 months (I think I can see why!)
I know he works a lot and wants to release, and be less stressed, I am trying to understand.... but when is too much too much!??!! Should I say something!? I think it's ruining things.... I don't want to have to go through the numbers in my head when I reach for him, I want to want him not worry about doing him 6 times, 10 times, whatever to keep him from masturbating!
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1923903 tn?1322793145
i am too stuck in the same situation,i've been with my boyfriend for a lil more than a year now, and now has a 5 month lil girl with him.. and ever since i got pregnant his thing for porn got worse, before we watched it togther, i stoped and he continued but bad! befor he goes to work he sets his alarm for a certin time just to come down stairs and watch it, i've cought him many times, like sure i just had a baby and my body is not the same, like i no i see it but he doesnt have to remind me of it.. he can go for months with not having sex with me and when he does the feelings arnt there i can feel it, he says he loves me but doesnt show me, he downloads it every day leaves it lying around. when im giving the baby a bath he watches it, ive tyred talking to him about it but then he ignores me.. i'm at the point where i dont no what to do ive tryed every thing, i feel like im stuck here because of my child with him, i need some good advice!!! :(
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1808540 tn?1320118460
yup. leave now! the worst part is that he is lying to. lying = trust issues = red flag = mental damage for a next new relationship. and pictures of his ex gf? oh god <3
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Avatar universal
Here's a problem, my husband is also addicted to porn. So much so that we rarely have sex. In the past year only 10 times or so and he jacks off at least twice a day. I have of course tried to discuss it with him, tried to explain how it makes me feel to know that he is more interested in his hand and a computer screen than in me. He simply says all guys do it, and there is nothing wrong with it blah blah blah. And overall I would agree, if he only looked at porn when I wasn't home or available fine, great, i don't care. But to constantly choose porn over me, come on there must be something wrong. And before any of you men say its a matter of attractiveness, don't. I take very good care of myself, and keep in good shape etc. and I have only once in our entire relationship turned him down for sex, because I was feeling sick. ONE TIME!! If it was my choice we would be having sex at least 5 times a week. And here's the worst part, I decided to check out what exactly it is that he looks at (hopeful that I might be able to imitate it and make him choose me instead) and its all MILF porn. He likes to look at women more than twice my age and blonde with huge *****.....exclusively. So I have tried talking to him a couple times offered to dress up in costumes, offered to bleach my hair blonde (I'm a brunette) offered to fulfill any fantasy he has if he will just share it. And here's what he told me, he doesn't want me to be like that. Essentially, he wants me, his wife, to be pure and sweet, and brunette, (which I am) and no dirty stuff. Basically he wants one woman as his wife and the mother of his children, and he wants an old blonde woman who dresses up in costumes and takes it in the *** as his sexual fantasy. So where does this leave me? Yes he loves me but I am not attractive to him sexually. And he doesn't want me to be, in fact he won't let me try to become his fantasy. He wants his love and his sex life separate. And since he won't cheat (thankfully), he masterbates constantly and we never have sex.....what can I do?
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973741 tn?1342346373
I think you miss the point of addiction Nancy,  it isn't about sex.  It is about release and it is about hiding and it is about using something to keep emotion at bay and to escape.  He's unhealthy emotionally if he is addicted to porn.  Addiction to porn isn't just viewing it occasionally and enjoying it but that it is a prominent role in your life to the detriment of other relationships.  His only bet to recover is psychological and addiction counseling and unless you look at it that way, you'll never win the battle.  It isn't about you in a wig, it is about his emotional need to escape.  And prepare yourself, if he kicks porn addiction, it often reverts to another method of self medicating.  You live with someone unhealthy and that you have taken it upon yourself to think it has something to do with you (desperation to change your hair color, dress up and pretend to be someone you aren't) tells me that you are codependent.  Some counseling for you would be very very helpful for giving you clarity.  I do with you well but you need to keep in mind what is really going on here and it isn't about you.  good luck
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Avatar universal
I dont know what to tell you but I did experiece the things u are. except i waas pregnant and he watched porn behind my back. i didnt find out until my ninth month and he said he knew it was wrong. the deal is that the longer they watch the more sick minded they become and the more they watch. my daughter is turning three in a few days and i was outta town i just got home to see MY computer to have porn while I was gone, I have argued in the past and he claims to know its wrong. So i stayed. yet if they know its wrong why continue? being pregnant makes us feel unatractive even after labor.. So think about how bad ull feel wen he masturbates to porn instead of respecting uand ur baby.. trust me u feel horrible. one fat because of baby, and two ur man is watching other girls intead of u. THis harmed my self esteem and for three yrs ive put up with it..and trust me it feels worse to leave later because u trust n he fails u trust again. and he fails. u end up being weaker than what u are right now that ur pregnant. Id say plz think about it!
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Avatar universal
Basically you are not ready to leave him. You don't sound like you are convinced enough. Try getting him to seek help as he is obviously addicted. Also try and get through some of your fantasies together. Being in a relationship does not mean not having fun. If that does not work and you can see that it will affect your life and future then end it. Not knowing who you will get into a relationship with in the future should not be a deciding factor.

Good luck
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Avatar universal
     I completely agree with you and I don't care much for the "therapist's" answer.  When porn gets in the way of a having a healthy sex life with your partner it IS a serious problem!  I think the only hope is a serious committment on the man's part to get help for this problem.  You'll definately know either way if he's serious about working things out with you.  I don't know if I can stay with him knowing what I know now because I feel betrayed and cheated out of a healthy sex life.  time will tell I guess....
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Avatar universal
I have been having the same problem with my boyfriend and his porn addiction. I have been with him for 4 years, when we first moved in together I found a few porn DVD's in one of his gym bags...I didn't really think much of it and figured he hadn't watched them in a long time, as time went on when we were living together...THEN...thats when I started to notice that this is way more than just a typical guy looking at porn every once in a great while, I looked at the history on our computer and would see all these porn sites he visited, I didn't say anything to him about it at first, then he would wait till I would fall asleep and he would order porn movies from on demand, when the cable bill came...then I confronted him about it and he said that he was "sorry" and the only reason he did that was because he was "bored" and "couldn't sleep", but he kept doing it and it would make me think "WTF" because we would have sex everyday, I could understand if a guy was single and lonely, maybe someone who hasn't had sex in a long time would look at it, but when my boyfriend does...it makes me feel like our sex life isn't good enough for him or I'M not good enough for him, he would always tell me not to "take it personal" and would say "its not like im cheating on you or anything" well to me..it sort of is cheating, he goes behind my back and does it, he lies to me about it, I always know when he lies about looking at porn cause when I ask him about it..he can't even look me in the eye and has the word "GUILTY" written all over him. I have even caught him masturbating looking at porn late at night and he didn't realize I was standing right behind him as he was doing that, then once he saw me, he stopped and then changed the channel..and whe I said "wtf are you doing?" he said "what? i wasn't masturbating, I was scratching my leg" bullsh** what makes me the most angry is he thinks he can insult my intelligence. I am at the point where he has to make a choice..its either me or looking at trashy women who don't even know he exsists. I can no longer just sit back and let this go on when it hurts my feelings everytime he looks at that crap.
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Avatar universal
leave him
its awfull
a thing of boys
nor real men u know
idiot
leave
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Avatar universal
.I myself being a 27 yr old female, absolutly love porn. I am in a 2 yr relationship w/a guy who did not like me watching it. I was told it made him feel insecure, and he even asked me if i would think about stopping watching it.now he used to b a well built guy back in the day..and lets just say he seems to have let himself go..and he's not all that well endowed either..but i love him regaurdless..and figured this is where his insecurites came from.Come to find out though he secretly did like porn..b/c it was all over his computer history,and through out his phone..so i finally just  asked him about it..b/c i could see more and more of him watching it recently. i was just curious if he didn't like me watching it..than why was he than. When asked though he told me he did it b/c he was feeling lonley..me and him both have  sex maybe around 3-4 times a week.,i am a very sexual person.and i like to say attractive. So i was thrown off by this "lonliness" for a example we could have had sex on a wed night.and his history can say he was watching it thur morning...i now am confused and a little hurt that thats why he says he is watching it now. can anybody else relate to this situation. just curious and confused..and want to get someone else's opinion
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Avatar universal
I would suggest making a new topic for your own question/situation.  This thread is nearly six years old.

That being said, loneliness doesn't mean lack of sexual satisfaction.  Loneliness can mean an emotional loneliness.  What do you two do outside of the bedroom?  How often do you two talk?  If the answer is "not much" to either or both I would look into changing that and see if that helps.  It could also be your lack of willingness to give something up for him is making him feel distant from you, making him wonder why he doesn't matter enough for you to meet a request he made.
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Avatar universal
I'm going through the same exact thing. I have no clue what to do. I love my boyfriend so much and don't want to leave because of the fear of it hurting too much. But he will delete his history and I know that means he's been on porn. It's really hurting me. And he is hardly ever in the mood for sex. But he ALWAYS wants and almost expects blow jobs or hand jobs. I very rarely get anything in return.
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Avatar universal
Only commenting on the insecurity thing. Men know who their women are! They know if their ladies confident, conceided, insecure, or straight up bat **** low self esteem. A Healthy relationship consists of two people in agreement to have respect for one an others needs, boundaries, and values. There's nothing wrong with being insecure about pornography. Everyone's different. But that guys choosing to be with her as she is. Fact of the matter is, he wants to see another chick naked  so he can imagine having sex with her. That's the bottom line of his argument for watching it. The stomach curling pain and insecurity that it causes a women to feel is his reason not to. The feeling of my heart and soul dropping to my ankles hurts a lot more than an orgasm feels good. In fact the feeling can halt a woman's ability to orgasm for indefinite amounts of time. Throw that on a justice scale is it really that hard to understand? No, a mans want (not NEED)to see a female other than the one he chose to be with does not matter as much to a relationship as the trust and respect that's ignored in order to do it. If he actually wants to be with his women, then harming the relationship to watch porn is straight up retarded. Society keeps finding ways to make women feel they are wrong for being who they are and men have the right idea. I think that's *** backwards and individuals should respect individuals and not sex respecting sex.
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3147776 tn?1349200103
This thread has gotten quite long, so we're going to close it and invite members to start a new thread for questions on this topic.  To do so, please click the "post a question" button near the top of the page.

*********** THREAD CLOSED ************
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