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My Boyfriend is so distant
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My Boyfriend is so distant

So my boyfirend hasn't really had a real relationship before me he basically had a relationship that was based on sex and money... a gold digger. In that relationship he was used and they had a
hardly spoken. So I have only been with him 2 months now. I know he has anxiety, social issues and is very stressed out and has a lot of insecurities. Him and I will have times where we speak a lot(texting) and things go great. Then we will have times where we hardly speak at all. Sometimes if he is mad he will stop speaking. I told him he cant do that. Earlier last week he wanted 3 days (to not speak and get himself organized) he said he was doing bad in school falling behind in work and not really "there" at work and school. So I said ok but will this help us?? And he said yes. So I let him. He sees me when I am home but not as often as i would like ( I go away to school and he hasn't visited me yet. ) I am relly upset. He says he loves me and inlove w.me and he told me all of this first. But yet hes acting like this. His family know about me cause he says he told them and speaks to them so I really don't know why I hardly get his attention. So anyway the 3 days were over we texted but we still havent spoken on the phone since last Thursday night. I text him and text him and call and he doesnt respond. Yesterday I got 1 text the entire day and he didnt text of call me back I texted or called soooo many times. I am confused because he said all of these hings to me first and he seemed he was happy to have a girlfriend in the beginning eventhough he didnt speak that much then but more then he does now. Is he doing this for some reason? I sent him a longggg txt with how i felt and he still hasnt responded. I feel like im not in a relationship but i do miss him and i do love him and i feel like he does love me i just dont know why he is like this....he will say he has a long day and he works and goes to schol but still in my opinion ifyou love someone when there is a will there is a way and u will make time for them....what do you think about this? should I just consider myself single? still havent heard from him today yet and its past 2pm.
23 Comments Post a Comment
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5268435_tn?1367085984
Stop calling him, as long as you are doing that he knows he doesnt have to do anything because he still has you. The way he wants your relationship to operate is not how real relationships work. People have problems and get overwhelmed, but they still have to be there for their partner. Clearly he is at a point where he doesnt need to be in a relationship because it is too much for him.
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Avatar_f_tn
Should I consider this done? SHould I consider myself single? it hurts cause I have no reasons or answers as to why he does this. He just like runs away from problems or if things get too much but he hasnt broken up with me so I really dont get it. I even have asked him before that 3 day break if he wants to break up and he said no....I am really confused I know hes not used to someone caring about him and loving him and talking all the time but i am not used to this. I know he is not all about his cell phone but if he loves me wouldn't he dothis for me and wanna spea to me? I really dont think hes cheating or anyhting like that i think this is coming with his issues and inexperience
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Hi and welcome. They way you love him and miss him and want to be with him, i  call it  "weak in the knees love" and have had it myself before. It dosent appear that he has a knee problem!
You seem the type of person that is loving and need hugs and kisses and if your looking for someone to do that, i dont believe hes the one for you. Even though he told you he loves you, action speaks louder than words.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for responding. Do u think its fake? Or he's using me? Or he just said it? Cause I don't really think so or at least I didn't and now I don't know what to think.
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3149845_tn?1386354841
From what you wrote, it think your too much energy for him. I think he said it because thats what you wanted to hear. I wouldnt waist any more time trying to contact him. If hes like this now, can you imagine being married to him 5 years later. Most likely would want his own bedroom.
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Avatar_f_tn
I wish this was true. That would be more understandable. He actually told me he loved me before we met. We spoke months before. And then he asked me out on our first real date. So it wasnt that. Which I kind of wish it was. But he really seemed excited. Yea communication is always an issue with him buy he didn't do it just cause he thought that's what he wanted me to hear or what he thought I wanted to hear and I kept asking him do u really feel this way and he said yes he does. So I stopped questioning it.
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Im not sure he knows what love is. He says he loved you before you met? Does that seem logical?
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Avatar_f_tn
No it doesn't but people meet online all the time and have said this before they met. I questioned him but I left it alone cause he said he did and that that's how he felt. Not too soon after (we spend 4 days together) slept over my house and after that he said he was in love with me and was scared about feeling that way. He said how he saw us together for ever. I felt the same way even though I knew we moved so fast I felt these feelings. Idk if he knows what love is. But this is what he said. And I really don't know how to handle this now. Just stop trying  all together? Stop texting or calling or write a letter? Or go home and talk? Or what? Idk anymore but I'm so hurt and stressing. This feeling ***** its hard to do my work and concentrate. Or do I wait it out? Text him and tell him I'm done?
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5268435_tn?1367085984
You simply stop talking to him. No need for an explanation he knows exactly how he is acting. He is probably wondering how is he getting away with acting like this.
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Avatar_f_tn
Easier said then done :( its really hard for me to move on especially when I don't even know the cause or reason.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Reading through this,  the fact that he said he was "in love" with you before meeting you,  his feelings have changed.   It's not possible to be in love with someone you haven't met - that "in love" feeling is for someone you've created in your own mind and has nothing to do with who the person really is.

Then he met you and feelings changed over a short period of time.  

You're looking for a "reason" his feelings changed and there isn't going to be a concrete reason.  They just did.  That's how dating works.  
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Dear, and these is from person whose heart has been broken more than once. Chasing after him is not the thing you want to do what precious time we have here on this earth.
You have got to get this stress out of your system, So sent him a text and tell him exactly how your feeling right now. Tell him your the emotional type and need answers so you can move on with your life. If he does not answer then  call him.

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Avatar_f_tn
He said he "loved me" the day before we met. He said he was in love with me when we spent a few days together. Sleeping over etc.... I asked him Thursday if he still loves me and he said yes y? And I just said I was just wondering because I didn't wanna cause a fight. Y would he not break up w.me or say he loves me still if he didn't? Idk I just wish I knew.
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480448_tn?1403547723
You don't know the cause or reason?  

Hon, you've ben with him TWO months...8 weeks!!!  You are putting some SERIOUSLY heavy expectations on the guy after 8 weeks, not to mention it's a long distance relationship anyway.  

He's running, and with all due respect, you probably chased him off. He asked you a few times to give him space as his school work was suffering, and you did that, but not without consequences for him.  He's got his head on straight, his priorities SHOULD be his schoolwork, not answering your texts all day long.

Yes, I would say he's done, and I think you should respect the huge signs he's giving you, he's not replying which means he's had it.  Leave him alone, and move on...and learn from this.  This is WAY too early in a relationship to be putting such HUGE demands on a partner.  You are suffocating.  That is NOT good for EITHER party in a relationship.

Best of luck to you!
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Avatar_f_tn
I will try this later since he does not get out of school till late tonight. But I still feel like I won't get answers I guess if I try today and still don't tmw will be a new day and I will just stop trying as much as this hurts. Its hard to do really anything cause I keep thinking of this and it hurts a lot. I can't really get over it without any answers but I also do know I'm trying to hard and I don't want to drive 3.5 hrs to talk face to face when he probably wouldn't do that for me and who knows if I will get answers then :(
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't think I would have put these expectations if he didnt rush into it or tell me these things and his feelings. Sometimes things move fast I didn't think anything of it and for once I went with it. I guess that isn't a good idea either. Of course I want him to do well in life and gave him the time but even then why would your boyfriend not want to speak to u? We don't have to speak all the time but not returning texts and calls and a few texts a day? I haven't had anyone like this before so I assume I was a joke to him and wasn't taken seriously. It hurts because I thought it was real.
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480448_tn?1403547723
He knows you want to talk to him...to continue calling and texting is simply intrusive.  I know you would like answers, but I think there are many that are obvious...he's busy with life, this is a brand new relationship and maybe just didn't work out, you put some hefty demands on him, when he was telling you that he needed the opposite.

I really wouldn't recommend continuing to bother him.  Go out with some friends, spend time with other people.  You're at college right?  Then, get out there and enjoy yourself!  Take a walk!  See a movie!  Something!

It's time to move on dear.  Sometimes things just don't work out, and it's much better 2 months in than 2 years.
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Avatar_f_tn
I guess u are right I just think he should have ended it if he felt this way knowing how I felt he shouldnt have dragged me along. He knows I'm there and I don't wanna break up (obviously) I guess I have no choice but to leave him alone and either he will come around or he won't. Its not like I want to be with anyone else or anything. I just wish I knew the truth on how he feels rather then this dissapearing act. Its not fair, even if it was a short amount of time he shouldn't have gotten into a relationship then if he couldn't handle it or wasn't going to work at it. You need communication with relationships....its key.
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480448_tn?1403547723
I'm sure it hurts, but like you said, it moved very fast.  Considering it's long distance, it wasn't even like you had a lot of time to spend together in person.  I agree that he could give you the courtesy of a phone call back, but it isn't looking like that's going to happen, so just try to start moving on.  He's being rude, but you cannot force him to call you...and continuing to call him isn't going to make that happen.  It's unhealthy for YOU too hon.

Don't continue to call him and text him, that's just eating away at your self esteem and pride I'm sure.  The good thing about young "love" and dating is there are a lot of learning lessons.  You can draw from this one moving forward.  It's never good to rush into a deep relationship.  It takes time to build that "love".  Real life isn't like the movies unfortunately, where everyone sees the love at first sight.  Real life is much different.
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480448_tn?1403547723
Yes, you're right, you need to communication in relationships...but there is also unspoken communication.  People send big messages with their actions (or inactions).  Also, I think there were some clues too, with his request to not talk for 3 days, you know?

You don't want to be with anyone right now, sure, but that's not what you should be focused on.  Focus on just being with YOU and your friends.  You don't have to be with someone right now,.  Actually, it's better if you give yourself a break.  Rebound situtions usually end in heartache.

Time really does heal all wounds...give yourself some time hon.
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Avatar_f_tn
You are right and I can't force someone to speak to me. Maybe he will at least come around to tell me how he felt. Its just so hard to move on like this. Itseating away at me. I wish he could just say something aanything. Idk how someone could see your texts and calls a lot of them at that and say completely nothing. Idk its so strange to me and I always end up blaming myself at the end.... :( I wasn't rushing but he wanted to be with me he said these things and it felt good so I went along with it. Now I am the one getting hurt.
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Avatar_f_tn
I guess u are right but I gave it to him thinking it would help us too ( the break) and it did for all of about 2 days....idk I can't stop thinking :( y would someone do this
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Avatar_f_tn
The crazy thing is u are here to seek some advice and help with ur relationship with a guy who is acting the way u describing but yet you keep defending his actions and making excuses for him. U have defended his character everything someone says something. Sweetie u know what is going on. U do know the real deal u just looking for some type of confortability and some justification as to if it is as bad as it seems. The answer is yes it is. I have been there before so l know what am talking about. Save ur time and energy and pls move on cuz u do not want to be dealing with this a year to come like l did.
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