My Ex is married and I want her back..

[Arabih22]

Hello all,
My name is Adam and I'm 22 years old. I may be young but have been through a lot with relationships. I'm looking for a little help on what I should do with the situation I'm in....
I dated a girl my senior year in high school for only 3 months, (this was my first actual girlfriend). Being new to the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, I got bored and broke up with her to go out and see what else was out there. It was a tough breakup for her but I was over it immediatley. Over the past 5 years I've had a few other girlfriends and quite a few "hook-ups" as well. The thing that is driving me crazy is that I haven't gone a single day in 5 years without thinking about this girl. We didn't get along at all after the breakup, but became friends and even hung out a couple times over the next couple years. She ended up going back to her ex boyfriend who she dated before her and I started, and today is married to him and living in Hawaii.
I don't know what to do because I honestly am still madly in love with this girl and find myself comparing her to every girl I meet, and no girl compares. I dont know what to fo because she is happy, and I want her to be, but I hate that it's not with me. I was too young and new in the dating scene to settle down with her 5 years ago, and now I am but she's taken. I've text her and sent a couple emails and she doesn't appreciate them and asks me to not send her messages like that out of respect for her and her husband.
I wish I could get this girl out of my mind but I can't. The girl I actually recently got out of a year long relationship with was another girl that on a daily basis I thought about and compared my ex to. I'm worried that I'll continue to keep comparing girls to my ex and won't find a girl to settle down with because she is the only girl I truly want.
What should I do?  

Thanks
Adam

[Londoner7998]

Hi Adam,

The first love is often the most intense and difficult to get over, but you must take it for what it is - it was a part of your past and not your future.

Instead of dwelling specifically on her think about the qualities in her that you love so much? Is it her sense of humour, her thoughtfulness etc that you're so attracted to? In which case that can help you get some ideas of what you're really looking for in a relationship. It sounds like maybe the girls in between haven't quite "hit the mark" for you, and that's ok, as long as you know what it is that you want.

She's not the same girl that you fell in love with. When you fell for her you were both young and still finding yourself. She's now married and doesn't want to be with you - and you must accept that as difficult as it may be.

It sounds like maybe you're looking for another girl that excites you as much as your first love - and they are absolutely out there. So go hour by hour, day by day, week by week trying not to let thoughts of her cloud your mind, and you will get through.

And on the other side will be a fabulous woman who you would never let go of and you'll know all of this was worth it.

Hope this helps.

[Londoner7998]

Just noticed when this original post was posted! Wonder how he feels now - bet it is far different

[Arabih22]

Thank you all for the responses, I really appreciate it.
In response to some of the questions, I'm currently in my last semester of college and graduate in May so I've got school keeping me busy. I stayed very very busy after my relationship with this girl because I played college basketball for 4 years and like I said dated around a lot. I know it's true that you don't realize what you had until it's gone, and that's exactly what happened with my situation. I know I need to leave her alone and I have, but a part of me keeps telling me their may still be a chance for us in the future, (stupid i know). Another thing I feel terrible about is that I just ended a yr long relationship with a girl and I think a big part of it was due to the situation I explained to you all. She has no idea that I felt this way about my ex, and we had other problems that caused the breakup, but the whole yr I was with her I thought about my ex. I definitely agree that I'm in no shape to have a girflreind right now and need to be alone, but I'm a relationship guy so I'm going to have to work on that.
Thanks again everyone...
Take care

[specialmom]

Hi Adam.  Welcome.  Ugh.  Our mind.  It can certainly play tricks on us.  I think this was an important relationship to you even though it was long ago and quite brief but it signifies something to you.  I'm sure she is a great girl and regretting breaking up with her is something a lot of people live with.  (not that they broke up with "her" but someone that was special).  Hey, you were young, learning and that is the time to make mistakes.  I think the trick your mind is playing on you is that you see her as what you are upset about losing when in reality it might be that you made a mistake in breaking up with her.  See the difference?  You are upset at yourself at making a mistake (although maybe not as our "memories" of someone are often better than the reality.) in breaking up with her verses really missing her.  And watch out for obsessive thought as that can lead to anxiety.  

So, now she is a married woman.  It, obviously, would be the absolute wrong thing to try to interfere in her life and she is being very clear that this is not welcome.  She's gone.  There is nothing at all you can do about it.

So, now you deal with your life.  I'd not date anyone for a while.  I think that one thing that is very true and I think rockrose referred to this---------  now is the time to really enhance your life.  You are 22--------- you are either finishing college or just graduated --------- so throw yourself into your career.  And if you've been working and didn't go to school after highschool, well still . . . throw yourself into your career.  This is a really critical time in your life for that and success you have now can be a driving force for being successful down the road.  So get really ambitious about this.  Also, work on whatever hobbies or interests you have.  This is YOU time and you sound like you can use more of that.  Then after some time has passed, start dating again with an open mind.  I think your mind has been tricking you that she was the perfect girl for you.  And remember, things happen for a reason.  You have learned to value special people that come into your life.  Take that wisdom into the next relationship you enter.  good luck

[lovemykids465]

I think it is also harder to forget your first  love too. But it is a dangerous place for you to be. Move on.

[RockRose]

Adam,  I don't think you're not in love with her and you never have been.  You were bored with her at a time when your hormones should have been raging for her.  Instead,  you were bored and wandered aimlessly away out of disinterest.

You're "stuck" in that time period of your life,  like guys get "stuck" in the glory days of their high school football and can't seem to move on to other,  more mature interests.

Do you have good things going on for you right now?  An exciting promising career,  continuing education, etc.,  or have you sort of "rested" yourself after high school unable to accomplish much?

Best wishes.

[cheshchesh819]

Firstly you need to do as your ex tells you and leave her alone,she has moved on and you are no longer part of her life to continue to hound her could cause all sorts of problems,as for not comparing others to her,that is something you have to work on,as soon as you realise that you ended it with her and that there is no you and her and never will be maybe you can start looking at other girls and like them for them,you need to fully except that the choices you made earlier in your life may have be the wrong ones,but still your choices,i think maybe you should gives girls a wide birth at the moment until you can settle in your head that your ex has moved on met someone else and more so married him.

[thehitman357]

You need to let this girl go bro.  It is hard to do so, but it is fair.   She no longer is with you.  You are still young regardless of your experience.  jsut be cool and enjoy dating until you find ANOTHER woman that rocks your boat.  Trust me, they are out there.