Aa
My Mother is hurting my family
Well, first off I am 29 going on 30 married with 3 sons. My wife had one son, who is 6 prior to our marriage and I also had a son, who is 4 prior to our marriage. We have 1, 2 month old son together.
I was married once before at which it happened very quickly after my return from Iraq. My mother absolutely hated my ex-wife and made it clear quite often, although once my son came into the picture she backed down some due to our decision to let her babysit him for the first year (seemed like a good idea at the time). Regardless after she decided it was time to begin paying her for babysitting we put him in daycare as it would've been cheaper considering the extra drive we made to her house and finding a daycare very close to our home. The tough times began shortly thereafter with her wanting my son almost every weekend, on top of her disrespect of my ex which caused enough issues to the point we split up.
During the year and few months of separation I once again let my mother keep my son a whole lot, it was extremely hard times where I worked shift work but also had to work a whole lot of extra details to pay the bills and ensure we were taken care of. I have 50/50 custody of my son.
a little over a year ago I met my now wife, she is wonderful, loving, passionate, and amazing mother to our sons. Once again my mother from the start hated her though, this due solely in part that we began building our family and I did not let my son go to my mothers nearly as much but still have always ensured she got the chance to keep him, even at times when I truly wanted him home. My mother would ask for him every time I got him which were 2 days one week, then 5 days the next week. If I told her I wanted to keep him home or that we had plans she would begin with statements like "I never thought I would have raised such a disrespectful son", "Its so nice to know you truly hate your mother", "If I died tomorrow it wouldn't matter to you one bit", "if your paw paw paw what you were doing to your mother he would be ashamed"(that comment especially hit hard due to my paw paw was the one who in fact raised me, straight home from the hospital and when my mother moved out and got married to my stepdad I stayed with him till I was 18). Anyway, this once again caused pain to my marriage but this time I was determined to not disrespect my wife by always giving in to my mothers demand of my son, though at times I did due to the anxiety of the guilt she placed on me when I told her no.
We have tried numerous times, sitting down with her and my stepdad(who is actually a really great man and a good friend) and working things out, My wife and I wanted my Mother to not just want to spend time with my son but all of us, including her step-grandchild, who was old enough to ask why he wasn't getting to go to grandmas house. Things would be ok for a bit, we had good gatherings but only a few weeks later it would be right back to the way it was before with her simply wanting my son to stay the night with her and oh how she missed her little man and her heart was breaking because she hadn't seen him in over a week but the rest of us became unwanted. This has been going on for over a year now, with my Wife at the end of the line with the disregard of her son and now our youngest baby. I have once again advised my Mother this behavior of only wanting time with one of her grandsons was completely horrible and defective in her other grandsons lives. I have also had to make it clear she is harming my other son due to her complete disregard of me as his Father, like when we may be at their house and he asks me to stay with his grandmother and I tell him not tonight then turns around and asks his grandmother and she says of course you can stay all while my 6 year old asks her and she completely ignores his question.
I truly do not want to lose my mother, I know she is a wonderful, loving grandmother except when she undermines me, but I strive to want my children to have that special bond with them as I know how important it can be although my relationship with my grandfather was more of him being my father and raising me, he was literally the very best friend I have ever had and taught me so much. I have advised her now again this isn't working and I refuse to see my children hurt, but she respond with how I don't understand how close of a bond they made when she had him so much the first couple years and its one that she couldn't bare to lose. I have thought more and more recently at cutting ties with her at least for a while to let things calm down in hopes she may see that she cant work our family as she has been giving the family relationship we want so badly for only a short amount of time and then taking things right back the way they were before. I was just in hopes of maybe a little input or advise from someone, sorry this was so long. Thank you very much.
I was married once before at which it happened very quickly after my return from Iraq. My mother absolutely hated my ex-wife and made it clear quite often, although once my son came into the picture she backed down some due to our decision to let her babysit him for the first year (seemed like a good idea at the time). Regardless after she decided it was time to begin paying her for babysitting we put him in daycare as it would've been cheaper considering the extra drive we made to her house and finding a daycare very close to our home. The tough times began shortly thereafter with her wanting my son almost every weekend, on top of her disrespect of my ex which caused enough issues to the point we split up.
During the year and few months of separation I once again let my mother keep my son a whole lot, it was extremely hard times where I worked shift work but also had to work a whole lot of extra details to pay the bills and ensure we were taken care of. I have 50/50 custody of my son.
a little over a year ago I met my now wife, she is wonderful, loving, passionate, and amazing mother to our sons. Once again my mother from the start hated her though, this due solely in part that we began building our family and I did not let my son go to my mothers nearly as much but still have always ensured she got the chance to keep him, even at times when I truly wanted him home. My mother would ask for him every time I got him which were 2 days one week, then 5 days the next week. If I told her I wanted to keep him home or that we had plans she would begin with statements like "I never thought I would have raised such a disrespectful son", "Its so nice to know you truly hate your mother", "If I died tomorrow it wouldn't matter to you one bit", "if your paw paw paw what you were doing to your mother he would be ashamed"(that comment especially hit hard due to my paw paw was the one who in fact raised me, straight home from the hospital and when my mother moved out and got married to my stepdad I stayed with him till I was 18). Anyway, this once again caused pain to my marriage but this time I was determined to not disrespect my wife by always giving in to my mothers demand of my son, though at times I did due to the anxiety of the guilt she placed on me when I told her no.
We have tried numerous times, sitting down with her and my stepdad(who is actually a really great man and a good friend) and working things out, My wife and I wanted my Mother to not just want to spend time with my son but all of us, including her step-grandchild, who was old enough to ask why he wasn't getting to go to grandmas house. Things would be ok for a bit, we had good gatherings but only a few weeks later it would be right back to the way it was before with her simply wanting my son to stay the night with her and oh how she missed her little man and her heart was breaking because she hadn't seen him in over a week but the rest of us became unwanted. This has been going on for over a year now, with my Wife at the end of the line with the disregard of her son and now our youngest baby. I have once again advised my Mother this behavior of only wanting time with one of her grandsons was completely horrible and defective in her other grandsons lives. I have also had to make it clear she is harming my other son due to her complete disregard of me as his Father, like when we may be at their house and he asks me to stay with his grandmother and I tell him not tonight then turns around and asks his grandmother and she says of course you can stay all while my 6 year old asks her and she completely ignores his question.
I truly do not want to lose my mother, I know she is a wonderful, loving grandmother except when she undermines me, but I strive to want my children to have that special bond with them as I know how important it can be although my relationship with my grandfather was more of him being my father and raising me, he was literally the very best friend I have ever had and taught me so much. I have advised her now again this isn't working and I refuse to see my children hurt, but she respond with how I don't understand how close of a bond they made when she had him so much the first couple years and its one that she couldn't bare to lose. I have thought more and more recently at cutting ties with her at least for a while to let things calm down in hopes she may see that she cant work our family as she has been giving the family relationship we want so badly for only a short amount of time and then taking things right back the way they were before. I was just in hopes of maybe a little input or advise from someone, sorry this was so long. Thank you very much.
And by a letter, I mean, an old-fashioned pen-to-paper letter. Not an email. Also be sure to write calmly and factually, because there is a chance she will show it to your mother. You don't want to make any errors. Keep a Xerox of it, you might some day be glad to have a specific record of the time. Good luck!
One other suggestion, is that you should write a letter to your ex, just recapping what happened, so your mother's twisted version is not the version that she believes. You could even preface it by saying you are only just coming to see how much your mother is doing to try to control things to the point of manipulation and being damaging, and if she were to remember in your marriage to her, this was also the standard operating procedure. Then go on to tell her what really happened. Don't put pressure on her to do anything, she can make up her own mind. But if your mother was really the cause of your breakup, she must certainly remember and will at least give some credibility to your story.
COMMUNITY LEADER
You are not going crazy nor are you selfish. I'm always the eternal optimist hat you this will work out in the end so you don't have to lose your mom. I think deep down we all want our moms. Yours has been doing damage. Not acceptable. But I know this must hurt on a deep level that it has come to this with your own mom. I'm sorry.
You are not crazy or selfish.
You're pulling yourself apart trying to make everyone happy.
It shows how much you care and want peace and happiness in your family.
Continue to see how much your mom's guilt and verbal abuse has kept you down. Every day is an opportunity for a new beginning.
You can overcome it and be stronger. Go forward without any feelings of guilt. Don't let her words/actions override your desire to build a strong family bond. She's been center of attention for too long. She needs to be pushed into the background.
Whenever you start to feel overwhelmed, remind yourself it's ok to say no to you mom, regardless of how she reacts. You're in charge of your life and your family. Be grateful she didn't raise you, because you may have turned out to be like her if you had. That would be sad.
You're pulling yourself apart trying to make everyone happy.
It shows how much you care and want peace and happiness in your family.
Continue to see how much your mom's guilt and verbal abuse has kept you down. Every day is an opportunity for a new beginning.
You can overcome it and be stronger. Go forward without any feelings of guilt. Don't let her words/actions override your desire to build a strong family bond. She's been center of attention for too long. She needs to be pushed into the background.
Whenever you start to feel overwhelmed, remind yourself it's ok to say no to you mom, regardless of how she reacts. You're in charge of your life and your family. Be grateful she didn't raise you, because you may have turned out to be like her if you had. That would be sad.
I have to say to each of you thank you so much individually. I am more than happy I found this website, it has certainly reassured me that I am not in fact crazy or just acting in my own selfish way. It has been hard for me but I am breaking apart the pieces of self blame that have been concreted around me.
1 Comments
God speed. You are obviously an honest and caring family man. All of your kids are lucky to have you. Congrats on the new marriage and new baby. All the best to the family. Let us know how it goes, moving forward. We'd love to hear how you are handling the problems that your mom is creating. We're here for you, all the way.
I also had a mother who wanted to make up for her own lack of parenting success, by high jacking my son. I truly believe from reading your post, that that's what's happening with your mother. She did a lousy job being a parent, and now she wants another crack at being someone who gives a damn, and she's using your family and your son to do that.
I appreciate that you loved your Paw Paw and he did a remarkable job with you, but you cannot overlook the fact that your mother is a toxic individual in your life, your first wife, your current wife, and all of your children's lives.
This women capable of abandoning her child, is insisting on you losing time with your son, your blended family not blending so much (it's bad enough that your two boys are away from their brother 5 days one week and two days the next). Honestly, you cannot afford to let your son be beguiled by your mother and take time from all of your kids feeling that their home base is not impenetrable. There is a destructiveness, that your mother is exacting on your family, that you may not see full effect of, until it is too late for you to do anything about. Your two boys will carry a grudge that their grandmother was allowed to favor one boy over another. They will feel that you allowed them to be abused this way, if you allow it to continue. Your eldest son will resent you for not insisting that he stay with you on the days that you were given to have him with you. Even if he is saying he wants to go to Grandmas, the fact is that he will resent you for not saying "no, i want him with me". You say that the relationship with your mother is a valuable one, but honestly, i can't see how. Your mother continues to teach all your boys about exclusion rather than inclusion. It is no different now, then when you were a boy. You mom is all about showing one person that they are valuable while throwing others away. She did it with you, and now she's doing it again, to your boys.
Believe me, if you can't see it for what it is now, you will in the future. Your mother is continuing to be destructive in your life and bring into your marriage and the raising of your kids, a sense that she is the head of the house hold and she is the one that makes things happen or makes things not happen.
I think that you should talk to a therapist about what's happening, and what your concerns are. To continue to be influenced by a mother that would say such things as "I never thought I would have raised such a disrespectful son", "Its so nice to know you truly hate your mother", "If I died tomorrow it wouldn't matter to you one bit", "if your paw paw paw what you were doing to your mother he would be ashamed" is a big part the problem you're having setting boundaries (your mother knows no boundaries) I think you , and therefore the family would truly benefit by having an impartial third party's input.
I think it would help to really simplify things for you. For instance, when your mother says something so terribly hurtful as " I never thought i would have raised such a disrespectful son" the fact is that she didn't raise you, your paw paw did , and she is taking the credit for that and not at all seeing where she may have let you down. She has no humility, and therefore is she a good example for your kids ? do you really want your eldest son to take after her ? being exclusive and not inclusive? I sure wouldn't.
I have a step daughter whose mother raised her that way, and then lost her mother when she was 19. She's been all by herself and is now 28 no friends, no family. On the other hand, the "step brother" she was told she didn't have to respect because he was no blood relative , is by comparison a social butterfly in a loving relationship, whose traveled the world making friends in every port. It MATTERS who influences our kids. Beware of your mother's ineffective parenting style continuing to affect your boys, She shouldn't have that right, she didn't earn it.
My most heart felt advice to you is to tell your mother to visit with your boy when she's at your exes. That your family needs to blend, and it's of the utmost importance that the boys all feel equal inclusion, where ever and with whomever they are associated. (in the family. ) If she asks why, tell her it's because she's incapable of seeing clearly the destruction that falls in her wake. The obvious lack of respect that she shows all members of your family, including her favorite son. It is not helping him to help to disassociate him from his brothers. If she loves him so much, she should know that the time taken from his visitation with his dad, could reap disastrous result in his future.
I think talking to a therapist will help you to see the destruction your mother continues to cause. You are over compensating for something that was not your fault. It should be the other way around, don't you think? Shouldn't it be your mom that overcompensates for her abandoning you in the past.? and not the other way around? Don't you think that if anyone were to throw the guilt card around it would be you?
How can your mother even say " This isn't how I raised you" when in fact, she didn't raise you. If it was she that raised you, perhaps you wouldn't be able to love anothers child as your own, and you would not be married today. I would think that is was your Paw Paw teachings, that love is real no matter the source, that has made you into the man you are today.
If it were me, i would not allow my son to visit during my visitation with him, unless it was by way of your mother being invited to your home and being monitored and watched very carefully , and in the event that there was anything going on that affected any one of the 3 children you have negatively, deal with it head on and honestly. Anything else is co dependence.
Thank you so much for your service.
God bless your family.
I appreciate that you loved your Paw Paw and he did a remarkable job with you, but you cannot overlook the fact that your mother is a toxic individual in your life, your first wife, your current wife, and all of your children's lives.
This women capable of abandoning her child, is insisting on you losing time with your son, your blended family not blending so much (it's bad enough that your two boys are away from their brother 5 days one week and two days the next). Honestly, you cannot afford to let your son be beguiled by your mother and take time from all of your kids feeling that their home base is not impenetrable. There is a destructiveness, that your mother is exacting on your family, that you may not see full effect of, until it is too late for you to do anything about. Your two boys will carry a grudge that their grandmother was allowed to favor one boy over another. They will feel that you allowed them to be abused this way, if you allow it to continue. Your eldest son will resent you for not insisting that he stay with you on the days that you were given to have him with you. Even if he is saying he wants to go to Grandmas, the fact is that he will resent you for not saying "no, i want him with me". You say that the relationship with your mother is a valuable one, but honestly, i can't see how. Your mother continues to teach all your boys about exclusion rather than inclusion. It is no different now, then when you were a boy. You mom is all about showing one person that they are valuable while throwing others away. She did it with you, and now she's doing it again, to your boys.
Believe me, if you can't see it for what it is now, you will in the future. Your mother is continuing to be destructive in your life and bring into your marriage and the raising of your kids, a sense that she is the head of the house hold and she is the one that makes things happen or makes things not happen.
I think that you should talk to a therapist about what's happening, and what your concerns are. To continue to be influenced by a mother that would say such things as "I never thought I would have raised such a disrespectful son", "Its so nice to know you truly hate your mother", "If I died tomorrow it wouldn't matter to you one bit", "if your paw paw paw what you were doing to your mother he would be ashamed" is a big part the problem you're having setting boundaries (your mother knows no boundaries) I think you , and therefore the family would truly benefit by having an impartial third party's input.
I think it would help to really simplify things for you. For instance, when your mother says something so terribly hurtful as " I never thought i would have raised such a disrespectful son" the fact is that she didn't raise you, your paw paw did , and she is taking the credit for that and not at all seeing where she may have let you down. She has no humility, and therefore is she a good example for your kids ? do you really want your eldest son to take after her ? being exclusive and not inclusive? I sure wouldn't.
I have a step daughter whose mother raised her that way, and then lost her mother when she was 19. She's been all by herself and is now 28 no friends, no family. On the other hand, the "step brother" she was told she didn't have to respect because he was no blood relative , is by comparison a social butterfly in a loving relationship, whose traveled the world making friends in every port. It MATTERS who influences our kids. Beware of your mother's ineffective parenting style continuing to affect your boys, She shouldn't have that right, she didn't earn it.
My most heart felt advice to you is to tell your mother to visit with your boy when she's at your exes. That your family needs to blend, and it's of the utmost importance that the boys all feel equal inclusion, where ever and with whomever they are associated. (in the family. ) If she asks why, tell her it's because she's incapable of seeing clearly the destruction that falls in her wake. The obvious lack of respect that she shows all members of your family, including her favorite son. It is not helping him to help to disassociate him from his brothers. If she loves him so much, she should know that the time taken from his visitation with his dad, could reap disastrous result in his future.
I think talking to a therapist will help you to see the destruction your mother continues to cause. You are over compensating for something that was not your fault. It should be the other way around, don't you think? Shouldn't it be your mom that overcompensates for her abandoning you in the past.? and not the other way around? Don't you think that if anyone were to throw the guilt card around it would be you?
How can your mother even say " This isn't how I raised you" when in fact, she didn't raise you. If it was she that raised you, perhaps you wouldn't be able to love anothers child as your own, and you would not be married today. I would think that is was your Paw Paw teachings, that love is real no matter the source, that has made you into the man you are today.
If it were me, i would not allow my son to visit during my visitation with him, unless it was by way of your mother being invited to your home and being monitored and watched very carefully , and in the event that there was anything going on that affected any one of the 3 children you have negatively, deal with it head on and honestly. Anything else is co dependence.
Thank you so much for your service.
God bless your family.
First I want to say thank you for your service.
You've tried over the years to allow your mom to be in your lives. She's proven she has to have her own way and truly only cares about her needs. It's incredibly selfish of her to insist she needs to have your son on all or most of the days he's supposed to be with you. Also...it's hurtful of her to ignore the other children and act as if they aren't important enough to stay with her. She's scarring everyone and it's premeditated and vicious.
Your mother is toxic.
Just because we're born into a family doesn't mean we must force ourselves to stay connected.
If you had a friend who was acting this way, would you remain friends? No.
If military personnel were doing this, would you trust them with your life while deployed? No
You didn't fail if you cannot have a relationship with your mother.
You cannot continue to give her chances to harm your family.
Your primary duty is to keep your wife and children safe, happy and loved. I think this is where you're conflicted. She plays too many head games with you. It's time to step back.
You need to know that calls made to Child Protective Services, regardless of a cases being unfounded & closed, will remain on your record for life. Anytime a new call is made, they look at this big file and will refer back to it.
The fact that your mom hated your ex, but now is friends with her, has to show you how manipulative she is. She didn't care enough to be supportive when you were married. Don't allow your mother to undermine your current marriage. It's unfair to your wife to allow your mom such power over your lives. You need to find the strength to step back and keep her at a distance. If she's friends with your ex, she can see your son there.
I've been through custody issues and manipulative parents. I struggled to find compromise, but it was only me making the effort. All the stress made me ill. I finally had to cut ties. Yes I'm sad at times I don't have parents in my life, but I know in my heart I tried and it was as their choice to remain toxic.
You cannot control the actions of others. You can only control your own. Your son may be sad not to see his grandmother, but he will be ok. By standing up for your family now, you will show all your kids the courage and strength they need to become compassionate, productive adults. Lead by example. You don't have to be mean or have a long discussion or fight with your mother. You just have to be firm and not give in.
I hope you get some peace in your lives and make whatever decision is best for you and your family.
Good luck.
You've tried over the years to allow your mom to be in your lives. She's proven she has to have her own way and truly only cares about her needs. It's incredibly selfish of her to insist she needs to have your son on all or most of the days he's supposed to be with you. Also...it's hurtful of her to ignore the other children and act as if they aren't important enough to stay with her. She's scarring everyone and it's premeditated and vicious.
Your mother is toxic.
Just because we're born into a family doesn't mean we must force ourselves to stay connected.
If you had a friend who was acting this way, would you remain friends? No.
If military personnel were doing this, would you trust them with your life while deployed? No
You didn't fail if you cannot have a relationship with your mother.
You cannot continue to give her chances to harm your family.
Your primary duty is to keep your wife and children safe, happy and loved. I think this is where you're conflicted. She plays too many head games with you. It's time to step back.
You need to know that calls made to Child Protective Services, regardless of a cases being unfounded & closed, will remain on your record for life. Anytime a new call is made, they look at this big file and will refer back to it.
The fact that your mom hated your ex, but now is friends with her, has to show you how manipulative she is. She didn't care enough to be supportive when you were married. Don't allow your mother to undermine your current marriage. It's unfair to your wife to allow your mom such power over your lives. You need to find the strength to step back and keep her at a distance. If she's friends with your ex, she can see your son there.
I've been through custody issues and manipulative parents. I struggled to find compromise, but it was only me making the effort. All the stress made me ill. I finally had to cut ties. Yes I'm sad at times I don't have parents in my life, but I know in my heart I tried and it was as their choice to remain toxic.
You cannot control the actions of others. You can only control your own. Your son may be sad not to see his grandmother, but he will be ok. By standing up for your family now, you will show all your kids the courage and strength they need to become compassionate, productive adults. Lead by example. You don't have to be mean or have a long discussion or fight with your mother. You just have to be firm and not give in.
I hope you get some peace in your lives and make whatever decision is best for you and your family.
Good luck.
Your mother sounds extremely manipulative to the point of being kind of crazy. I would not let her near my son except at family parties and events. Sorry she managed to cook up a story to feed your ex, I wish your ex would have considered the source. Please don't let your mother manipulate you any more. None of this "you're a bad son" stuff -- she abandoned you. None of this "I miss my little man," he is not her little man, he is your son. If you let him stay with her, all she will do is try to manipulate the son. Don't let this pattern of manipulation and appeasement pass down another generation so she manipulates your son the way she does you. One thing a dad has to do is stand up for his kids. Say stop and protect your child. Your mother does not deserve any consideration after everything she has done.
Well thank you, wasn't very sure of my sanity there a few times and still have my moments. For my wife I would say she is probably stronger than any woman I've met for withstanding as much as she has and continuing to be as strong as she is.
I've done my share of losing my cool with my mother which after brought to my attention by my wife was getting us nowhere with her. Once again thank you so much for your advice and feedback
I've done my share of losing my cool with my mother which after brought to my attention by my wife was getting us nowhere with her. Once again thank you so much for your advice and feedback
Well, your mother sounds like a tornadic force for destruction! It really seems like if she sat down and tried to think of how to ruin your chances for a happy family life, she couldn't have picked a better plan than what she's done.
I'm a little surprised that your ex has now taken her side, except the old adage of the enemy of my enemy is my friend, meaning your ex and your current wife.
Best wishes. You sound surprisingly sane.
I'm a little surprised that your ex has now taken her side, except the old adage of the enemy of my enemy is my friend, meaning your ex and your current wife.
Best wishes. You sound surprisingly sane.
Oh lord yes, he def. Loves his grandmother and at first asked to go, which is why is was really hard because he was very use to going there. Throughout this last year he has gotten into a routine, finally of being here as well as his mother's and doesn't ask to go, only when she would be around would he ask. Understand my point was to never pull that relationship apart but to limit the time in attempt to actually give him that routine, with starting school this coming year and new baby brother here now I surely wanted him to be comfortable here and feel that family unity with us. He is my little Heart.
Rock rose- thank you very much. I've felt like that left behind son, but in all honesty wouldn't have wanted it any differently. I cannot explain the love and bond him and I shared, we were inseperable. My mother always tells me that she wanted to bring me with her but says I didn't want to leave them and would cry to go back anytime she brought me with her for a weekend, which I was so young I don't remember most of those times. My mom says my grandfather would also become upset years later after my grandmother passed if she spoke of me moving in with her. One thing I do know about him was even though we had this wonderful close relationship it still did not take away from his relationships with his other grandchildren as he ended up have 5 including me. I just can't fathom a mother not showing that love and being proud of her son after becoming a father and husband. I've made many mistakes in life and would never say I was perfect but I have also learned and attempted to grow from them.
There have been turning points in this year I did leave out in my original post that have brought me to this point of wanting to back away. One being and incident that occurred at the beginning of the summer between my stepson and son. My son told me one night when putting him to bed that my stepson bit his "dude" a term used for his private part, I of course had a mini stroke but did not freak out in front of him at which time i went to my wife and explained. She was extremely surprised so she spoke to him and he said he kept asking him to do it and that he bit his as well, there were no marks or any sign of physical damage. After speaking to my son he also tells me his sister who is my ex's daughter touches him as well at her house. (She was 7 at the time) well we decided it this was not a time to freak out with them but to sit down apart from both boys and ensure they understood this behavior is not right and it shouldn't happen, these were private parts for ourselves but made it clear they weren't in trouble either as they don't consider these parts sexual being as young as they are. I also Co tacted my ex as soon as I knew and let her know what we were doing so she could also handle it at her house as well. (Denied the fact anything like that happened at her house as well but that's a different story, lol) fast forward a few months later, after my son stayed with my mother one night I got a call from her. She was very upset, in tears telling me my son told her his brother bit his dude and it happened yesterday. I knew that honestly did not happen as we were all at my wife's mothers house that day until very late with the kids never out of our sight playing in her living room and upon getting home they were already asleep and placed in their separate rooms. I also explained the events to her that occurred a few MO the prior, also to my son everything happened yesterday, birthdays, party's, different events. I then told her I would still contact my ex and let her know what was said so she could speak to him as he was going back to her that day. I also asked her not to call my ex as she was extremely upset and I feared it would cause further excitement in my ex as well, well she ignored my request and called anyway. I didn't know this until the next day when I tried to call my ex to see how their conversation went but did not get an answer. I went the rest of the day without hearing from her, calling multiple times and also finding out he didn't go to school either. That afternoon I get a call at work, I am a police officer from a judge who tells me 2 restraining orders have come across his desk one against me in my ex's name and one in my sons name. I almost died right there. He asked the situation, and afterwards advised me he would not ever grant this to happen with it being two children of this age and without any physical evidence of it happening. My stepson was also highly surprised to be questioned of this again and said it did not happen at all again since we spoke to them. OCS was also called and came in to evaluate and rendered the case to be false in nature and closed it rather quickly. Of course this caused extreme uncomfort in the home as we became overly vigil on both boys. Know that the boys never bathed together prior to any of this happening, never went to the bathroom in front of each other and we're never alone without one of us coming in and out while they played consistently. With that being said I became extremely mad with my mother because she had completely ignored what I asked of her but she only continues to give me the excuse of that being her grandson and she would do what she felt was best for him. It's a battle that will never be won.
She has also since my wife and I got together become good friends with my ex as well. She went from not wanting me to have a together birthday party for my son and claiming she wouldn't go if my ex was there to all of a sudden talking to her and sharing Facebook comments and pictures with her and the slap in the face, inviting her to my sons 4th birthday party she and my sisters planned for him without my knowledge. Of course my wife and I ended up having a separate party because the restraining order, OCS ordeal happened shortly before his birthday and my sisters had been planning the party because they really enjoyed doing so, believe me it was not because I didn't want to.
These things with many other sharp painful stabs at my wife and I, along with the other children have really taken a toll but I have still let him go there. It's nearing the very end for me yet I still feel like the ungrateful mean son she tells me I am when she doesn't get what she wants.
Rock rose- thank you very much. I've felt like that left behind son, but in all honesty wouldn't have wanted it any differently. I cannot explain the love and bond him and I shared, we were inseperable. My mother always tells me that she wanted to bring me with her but says I didn't want to leave them and would cry to go back anytime she brought me with her for a weekend, which I was so young I don't remember most of those times. My mom says my grandfather would also become upset years later after my grandmother passed if she spoke of me moving in with her. One thing I do know about him was even though we had this wonderful close relationship it still did not take away from his relationships with his other grandchildren as he ended up have 5 including me. I just can't fathom a mother not showing that love and being proud of her son after becoming a father and husband. I've made many mistakes in life and would never say I was perfect but I have also learned and attempted to grow from them.
There have been turning points in this year I did leave out in my original post that have brought me to this point of wanting to back away. One being and incident that occurred at the beginning of the summer between my stepson and son. My son told me one night when putting him to bed that my stepson bit his "dude" a term used for his private part, I of course had a mini stroke but did not freak out in front of him at which time i went to my wife and explained. She was extremely surprised so she spoke to him and he said he kept asking him to do it and that he bit his as well, there were no marks or any sign of physical damage. After speaking to my son he also tells me his sister who is my ex's daughter touches him as well at her house. (She was 7 at the time) well we decided it this was not a time to freak out with them but to sit down apart from both boys and ensure they understood this behavior is not right and it shouldn't happen, these were private parts for ourselves but made it clear they weren't in trouble either as they don't consider these parts sexual being as young as they are. I also Co tacted my ex as soon as I knew and let her know what we were doing so she could also handle it at her house as well. (Denied the fact anything like that happened at her house as well but that's a different story, lol) fast forward a few months later, after my son stayed with my mother one night I got a call from her. She was very upset, in tears telling me my son told her his brother bit his dude and it happened yesterday. I knew that honestly did not happen as we were all at my wife's mothers house that day until very late with the kids never out of our sight playing in her living room and upon getting home they were already asleep and placed in their separate rooms. I also explained the events to her that occurred a few MO the prior, also to my son everything happened yesterday, birthdays, party's, different events. I then told her I would still contact my ex and let her know what was said so she could speak to him as he was going back to her that day. I also asked her not to call my ex as she was extremely upset and I feared it would cause further excitement in my ex as well, well she ignored my request and called anyway. I didn't know this until the next day when I tried to call my ex to see how their conversation went but did not get an answer. I went the rest of the day without hearing from her, calling multiple times and also finding out he didn't go to school either. That afternoon I get a call at work, I am a police officer from a judge who tells me 2 restraining orders have come across his desk one against me in my ex's name and one in my sons name. I almost died right there. He asked the situation, and afterwards advised me he would not ever grant this to happen with it being two children of this age and without any physical evidence of it happening. My stepson was also highly surprised to be questioned of this again and said it did not happen at all again since we spoke to them. OCS was also called and came in to evaluate and rendered the case to be false in nature and closed it rather quickly. Of course this caused extreme uncomfort in the home as we became overly vigil on both boys. Know that the boys never bathed together prior to any of this happening, never went to the bathroom in front of each other and we're never alone without one of us coming in and out while they played consistently. With that being said I became extremely mad with my mother because she had completely ignored what I asked of her but she only continues to give me the excuse of that being her grandson and she would do what she felt was best for him. It's a battle that will never be won.
She has also since my wife and I got together become good friends with my ex as well. She went from not wanting me to have a together birthday party for my son and claiming she wouldn't go if my ex was there to all of a sudden talking to her and sharing Facebook comments and pictures with her and the slap in the face, inviting her to my sons 4th birthday party she and my sisters planned for him without my knowledge. Of course my wife and I ended up having a separate party because the restraining order, OCS ordeal happened shortly before his birthday and my sisters had been planning the party because they really enjoyed doing so, believe me it was not because I didn't want to.
These things with many other sharp painful stabs at my wife and I, along with the other children have really taken a toll but I have still let him go there. It's nearing the very end for me yet I still feel like the ungrateful mean son she tells me I am when she doesn't get what she wants.
Here's a rule of thumb. The harder it is to say "no thanks, Mom", the worse a mother your mom is. And I've found that to be true.
Moms who were great moms and there all the time who offer to babysit but are told "no thanks, we want to spend family time", back off and smile and know they've raised a fine son and husband and father.
Your mom dumped you at birth and chose another man over her baby son. Your Paw Paw, seeing your mother's behavior today would shake his head in utter dismay that your mother is once again a force for destruction. I am so grateful to your Paw Paw for stepping up and doing a fine job of raising you - he must have been in utter dismay at the daughter he raised who dumped her baby son and he was forced to spend his later years raising the next generation. Although he loved you very much, I'm sure he would have preferred his daughter be a responsible and loving daughter who raised her son and allowed him the position of doting grandpa.
You owe her nothing. She is wrecking your family life, as she was allowed to wreck your first marriage.
I understand that kids whose mothers abandoned them are desperate to have a relationship with them, but this one is ruining your life and even when you give her everything she wants she's still hateful.
Bye, mom. You can come for Thanksgiving and to the kid's birthdays and on Christmas. No more demanding to take her oldest grandson out of your family. Your son needs to be there, to bond with you and your wife and kids.
best wishes. This is hard, hard. God bless the motherless child, as they say.
Moms who were great moms and there all the time who offer to babysit but are told "no thanks, we want to spend family time", back off and smile and know they've raised a fine son and husband and father.
Your mom dumped you at birth and chose another man over her baby son. Your Paw Paw, seeing your mother's behavior today would shake his head in utter dismay that your mother is once again a force for destruction. I am so grateful to your Paw Paw for stepping up and doing a fine job of raising you - he must have been in utter dismay at the daughter he raised who dumped her baby son and he was forced to spend his later years raising the next generation. Although he loved you very much, I'm sure he would have preferred his daughter be a responsible and loving daughter who raised her son and allowed him the position of doting grandpa.
You owe her nothing. She is wrecking your family life, as she was allowed to wreck your first marriage.
I understand that kids whose mothers abandoned them are desperate to have a relationship with them, but this one is ruining your life and even when you give her everything she wants she's still hateful.
Bye, mom. You can come for Thanksgiving and to the kid's birthdays and on Christmas. No more demanding to take her oldest grandson out of your family. Your son needs to be there, to bond with you and your wife and kids.
best wishes. This is hard, hard. God bless the motherless child, as they say.
COMMUNITY LEADER
To me, you seem to earnestly be trying to do the right thing. It's hard to witness our parent that we love acting badly. And the fear of the consequences of standing up to it is hard to deal with. We're trained to respect our parents. Our mama's raised us. I have two boys that I dearly love and can't imagine a day in which they're going to have to set firm boundaries with me. But, she's earned it. Knowing that you still want her in your life and in your children's lives (all of them)-- means that you are simply trying to come up with a workable situation. As it is now, it doesn't work. She will resist Anything you do as it is not your norm to be driving the bus, she does that. So, prepare that she will resist. Just keep your motto the same that you love her, she's welcome to be part of your family's life but there are certain things that are now in place. I wouldn't allow her to separate your son from the other boys when you take family vacations with your wife and other kids.
But I do want to say something in terms of the son in question. Does he adore her? How does he feel? You have to be very careful not to take something away from HIM that he adores. If he is not missing her, not desiring to go with her, etc. that is one thing. But it is hard if he wants to be with her too. So, consider his feelings as well.
This is difficult to navigate! And you thought being in Iraq was hard, right? (kidding, that's the hardest thing ever to be a military person in a dangerous place away from home like that, big respect to you).
Stay in touch with us and let us know how it goes. I know that I had someone make this suggestion to me when I was setting my grown up boundaries with my dad--- that when things were difficult, to still every month send a letter, card or email in which I share the 'news' of myself and my family. And sign it with "love, so and so". I still do this. And it is more for my peace of mind so we don't ever fully lose touch. Just a thought in case things go down hill during the challenge of putting this relationship with your mom in a new direction. good luck
But I do want to say something in terms of the son in question. Does he adore her? How does he feel? You have to be very careful not to take something away from HIM that he adores. If he is not missing her, not desiring to go with her, etc. that is one thing. But it is hard if he wants to be with her too. So, consider his feelings as well.
This is difficult to navigate! And you thought being in Iraq was hard, right? (kidding, that's the hardest thing ever to be a military person in a dangerous place away from home like that, big respect to you).
Stay in touch with us and let us know how it goes. I know that I had someone make this suggestion to me when I was setting my grown up boundaries with my dad--- that when things were difficult, to still every month send a letter, card or email in which I share the 'news' of myself and my family. And sign it with "love, so and so". I still do this. And it is more for my peace of mind so we don't ever fully lose touch. Just a thought in case things go down hill during the challenge of putting this relationship with your mom in a new direction. good luck
Thank you all for your comments, with everything that goes through my head in regards to this matter it is certainly a great thing to be able to put this out there and receive positive feedback from outside sources. I've never done these things before but I'm absolutely growing more fond of them every moment.
Dave-I thank you for your comment and honestly there was no question there just a man simply looking for some sort of outside looking in viewpoints on the situation.
Special mom- I certainly understand the aspect of 3 children causing exhaustion. Lord knows my wife and I still lay down at night and use that exact phrase while spending most days with all 3. I will say that I haven't expected her to watch all 3 boys overnight or even babysit for extended periods of time, the hardest thing to grasp is the lack of interest in wanting family time together and enjoying that time spent around the grandchildren. It becomes I want my grandson over night or nothing at all. My step-son whom I refer to as my son as well unfortunately does not have a bio father around and hasn't been from time of conception but he has settled into our relationship and became confident enough to call me Dad which gave me so much pride. My wife does well not entertaining the negative and taking his attention away from the neglect of my mom, most of the rest of my family treat him as their own which helps so much in his feeling at home within the family. You are very right in stating there is no way to force it, I was in hopes of her maybe understanding more considering my step-dad has had a large enfluence, mostly in my adult life and considers me his own but once again I would rather not force it and take it as it is. Once again thank you greatly for your advice, it helps more than you know.
Clement- Family therapy is a great idea and once this last argument calms some I may present the idea of this to all. I've lately thought hard about talking to one myself to simply open my mouth to someone not involved. It was only until recently have I really been able to stop fighting with myself in regards to expressing my thoughts without just becoming angered and letting it go. You have hit a soft point with me in regards to standing my ground as I stated I have often given in eventually, boundaries have honestly not been set either, except my one time marking down on a calender for them certain days throughout each month for them to get my son which even still I gave a whole lot of days in fear of upsetting my mother again but was still met with "oh so your saying I can only have him 9 days this month and 6 days this month"? Plus I screwed the pooch in not thinking summer was coming and my wife and I have enjoyed taking the boys on short vacations to the beach or to visit her extended family further north of us. Time is now honestly being limited now and I do plan to take responsibility in standing my ground as my doubting my actions are lessening.
Again thank you all for your input and kind words, as I have doubted myself quite a bit and it helps to have someone other than certain family offering that. Crazy feeling going from soldier who only feared God to restless in fear of upsetting my Mother or losing my Wife. (Wife will always here on overtake Mother)
Dave-I thank you for your comment and honestly there was no question there just a man simply looking for some sort of outside looking in viewpoints on the situation.
Special mom- I certainly understand the aspect of 3 children causing exhaustion. Lord knows my wife and I still lay down at night and use that exact phrase while spending most days with all 3. I will say that I haven't expected her to watch all 3 boys overnight or even babysit for extended periods of time, the hardest thing to grasp is the lack of interest in wanting family time together and enjoying that time spent around the grandchildren. It becomes I want my grandson over night or nothing at all. My step-son whom I refer to as my son as well unfortunately does not have a bio father around and hasn't been from time of conception but he has settled into our relationship and became confident enough to call me Dad which gave me so much pride. My wife does well not entertaining the negative and taking his attention away from the neglect of my mom, most of the rest of my family treat him as their own which helps so much in his feeling at home within the family. You are very right in stating there is no way to force it, I was in hopes of her maybe understanding more considering my step-dad has had a large enfluence, mostly in my adult life and considers me his own but once again I would rather not force it and take it as it is. Once again thank you greatly for your advice, it helps more than you know.
Clement- Family therapy is a great idea and once this last argument calms some I may present the idea of this to all. I've lately thought hard about talking to one myself to simply open my mouth to someone not involved. It was only until recently have I really been able to stop fighting with myself in regards to expressing my thoughts without just becoming angered and letting it go. You have hit a soft point with me in regards to standing my ground as I stated I have often given in eventually, boundaries have honestly not been set either, except my one time marking down on a calender for them certain days throughout each month for them to get my son which even still I gave a whole lot of days in fear of upsetting my mother again but was still met with "oh so your saying I can only have him 9 days this month and 6 days this month"? Plus I screwed the pooch in not thinking summer was coming and my wife and I have enjoyed taking the boys on short vacations to the beach or to visit her extended family further north of us. Time is now honestly being limited now and I do plan to take responsibility in standing my ground as my doubting my actions are lessening.
Again thank you all for your input and kind words, as I have doubted myself quite a bit and it helps to have someone other than certain family offering that. Crazy feeling going from soldier who only feared God to restless in fear of upsetting my Mother or losing my Wife. (Wife will always here on overtake Mother)
Maybe a family therapist might be your best bet in regard to reaching an agreement with your mother?
Another idea would be to set boundaries w/your mother, but you must stand your ground in order for it to work. This would include putting together a schedule for your family and mother to follow. If she disagrees or tries to manipulate you and other family members, this is where you need to decide on whether you should limit her access to your family, or suggest family therapy for the adults...
Another idea would be to set boundaries w/your mother, but you must stand your ground in order for it to work. This would include putting together a schedule for your family and mother to follow. If she disagrees or tries to manipulate you and other family members, this is where you need to decide on whether you should limit her access to your family, or suggest family therapy for the adults...
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Thank you for sharing you story and with such details and do articulately. Sorry it has been so hard. I have a lot of respect for a man who works hard to create a stable family.
So for this situation, it's hard. Your mom sounds difficult. I can see one thing that you may not be thinking about on her side. Having your son that she has cared for by herself is her comfort zone and easy for her. Add in entertaining another child and care of a one year old, it's tiring. I adored my sisters kids!! Loved them to death. But when she would ask me to babysit the three when I was not in the practice of full on child care, I was exhausted! It felt like work taking care of these kids that I loved dearly! So some of that could be going on and she is trying to keep the bond with the one son without going past her physical comfort zone. Three kids of varying ages is much harder than one boy you've been a caregiver for. Right?
It's hard too because it is human nature for her to possibly feel more connected to biological grandkid. Not ver generous of heart of her but she would not be the first person to see those relationships as different. I don't like that but I don't think you can force it. I assume your wife's son has a father and other side of his family? I hope so because kids go best with both bio patents active. Now as a mom, I'd be upset if my mil made my kid feel bad. I get it. But with the son, I'd focus on other things and not feed it by getting upset in front of them. I know that is hard to navigate.
So, I guess you have to decide if she is too toxic to deal with. I had to do that with my dad. He is still in my life but I stopped trying to fix him and keep him as a second tier family member. Does that make sense? I see him occasionally see my dad but I keep him a bit on the outside. I'm emotionally insulated from him. You've fond nothing wrong. But you still feel like you want to fix this. She isn't probably going to change so have a relationship that is more surface level with no expectations. When it is like that, someone can't get in to hurt you (into your head that is). Good luck
So for this situation, it's hard. Your mom sounds difficult. I can see one thing that you may not be thinking about on her side. Having your son that she has cared for by herself is her comfort zone and easy for her. Add in entertaining another child and care of a one year old, it's tiring. I adored my sisters kids!! Loved them to death. But when she would ask me to babysit the three when I was not in the practice of full on child care, I was exhausted! It felt like work taking care of these kids that I loved dearly! So some of that could be going on and she is trying to keep the bond with the one son without going past her physical comfort zone. Three kids of varying ages is much harder than one boy you've been a caregiver for. Right?
It's hard too because it is human nature for her to possibly feel more connected to biological grandkid. Not ver generous of heart of her but she would not be the first person to see those relationships as different. I don't like that but I don't think you can force it. I assume your wife's son has a father and other side of his family? I hope so because kids go best with both bio patents active. Now as a mom, I'd be upset if my mil made my kid feel bad. I get it. But with the son, I'd focus on other things and not feed it by getting upset in front of them. I know that is hard to navigate.
So, I guess you have to decide if she is too toxic to deal with. I had to do that with my dad. He is still in my life but I stopped trying to fix him and keep him as a second tier family member. Does that make sense? I see him occasionally see my dad but I keep him a bit on the outside. I'm emotionally insulated from him. You've fond nothing wrong. But you still feel like you want to fix this. She isn't probably going to change so have a relationship that is more surface level with no expectations. When it is like that, someone can't get in to hurt you (into your head that is). Good luck
Hi, im not sure what your question is. Your mother has caused great discomfort in your family life. I would try to distance her for a time being and have a sit down talk with her about creating all this conflict with your wives.
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