My Wife has been acting out in a pathetic way

[Bishkek85]

I am a doctor, I have been married for 7 months. My wife is also a doctor. Every day I have to pick her up from her Hospital. If I get a little late, like 15-30 minutes, sometimes an hour because of my busy schedule, she fights with me. The fighting has gotten worse recently. She misbehaves with me, my mom, my sister and totally ignores my dad. I think she does all that to get me to apologise to her which I do, but it never works, I bring her presents sometimes but that does not work either I cannot let her misbehave like that. So I boycott her for an hour or two. Then her acting out gets worse. She threatens to suicide as well. Sometimes grabbing on to scissors And knives and placing them in position to show me she is really gonna do it.

Today she acted out on the street outside the hospital, one of the busiest streets in the city. About 50 people must have gathered round there. She was asking me to go back, she was walking by the road side while I was driving in my car trying to get her to sit. She was threatening to suicide by stepping in front of a car. She was on the phone with her sister. Finally her brother came in his car, picked her up and sped away. A cousin of mine was in the car, he tried to ask her to sit in the car and sheabused him too. I often feel she thinks very highly of her family and thinks my family as inferior. I have always been very nice to her family but I don't actually see her reciprocating that. Now my whole hospital knows that she was threatening to suicide on the road.

One thing I have always felt is that, I could never love a girl more then her. She is pregnant too. 4 months. Where is our relationship headed? She is home now. I am mad at her. HeR family thinks she is always right. What should I do?

[specialmom]

I think that you need to express to her dad your concern for her health.  You started this post without a lot of empathy and I do find it odd that you do not see this as a mental health issue as a physician yourself.  Just being honest with you.  She doesn't necessarily need to come and stay with you and perhaps that wouldn't be a good idea for her right at this moment.  Instead, gain her father's support for getting her some psychiatric help.  That you are concerned she'll follow through with one of her suicide threats and that would be tragic for ALL involved.  Perhaps he can bring her to a psychiatrists office and I'd actually recommend NOT using your friend but rather a neutral party.  This woman needs help and you need an ally in her family in getting her that.  You and your relationship with her is second to addressing her mental health status in my opinion.  

so, see what you can do in talking to her dad so that you can work as a team to get her mental health back on track.  peace and luck

[Bishkek85]

Yes I can seek legal advise. I'm keeping that option for later, say if I ask her dad to let her come here and he rejects that offer.

[RockRose]

bishke,  it's possible that the pregnancy has increased a mood disorder she had to begin with.  I don't blame you for not trusting her family - they are acting oddly,  IMHO,  in light of your opinion that this is a complete change of behavior for her.   From their behavior it doesn't seem like they're all that surprised.

I don't know about where you live,  but if you were in the US you wouldn't be able to insist on choosing her doctors and attending the visits with her - she'd have that right to choose for herself and see him/her alone if she chose.  

I agree with SpecialMom that you should probably be in contact with her father,  although it doesn't sound like that's been successful in the past.  

Can you seek legal advise?

[specialmom]

In all seriousness, I'd call her father and tell him that you are very worried about her mental health and are afraid for her.  Perhaps they can be allies in getting her to address the situation.  

[Bishkek85]

I can't tell how shocked her family were by this, I don't trust the things they say. She on the phone with her sister all the time telling her everything and asking for her opinion, even things from our bedroom. Plus she has some friends she keeps asking things from. Personally I have been shocked by her behaviour a couple of times, so have my family.

           She is at her fathers house at present. It's going to be a real task getting her to come back. The psychiatrist in our hospital is a friend of mine. I'll get an appointment as soon as she gets here. He says he needs to talk to her to figure it out. We'll go together, I don't want to leave her alone with the psychiatry professor from our medical school although he is a famous psychiatrist. I'll, take her to the one in my hospital.
            She's not calling me at present. I am beginning to miss her a lot and it's really depressing. Should I call her? Or should I wait for them to call me? After what she did, does it make sense for me to call her?
              
      

[Londres70]

There are no ifs, ands or buts about this.....she is on the edge here and needs to be taken seriously and helped.  

[specialmom]

rockrose, threatening suicide is different than suicide ideation.  Suicide ideation involves a method behind how they'd do it.  When the mind plots HOW they are going to do it, that is considered a psychiatric medical emergency.  

And bipolar's bottom is very much like severe depression.  

I wouldn't risk this and just really encourage the poster to get this woman some help.  

[RockRose]

I don't know how likely it is that she'll commit suicide - in my observation,  people who threaten suicide in a rage to hurt other people rarely do it.  I've known a few people who committed suicide,  and they didn't have the energy to work up a rage.  They were empty,  depressed shells.  

She doesn't sound the least bit depressed,  but rather,  possibly bipolar.

I do think her baby is at real risk.  Anyone who would carry on the way she is right now isn't fit to be alone with a baby.

[nursegirl6572]

Have you taken any steos to get her help?  She should NOT be practicing medicine right now, and she needs immediate psychiatric help, to save her life, and the life of your unborn child.

You can never blow off a threat of suicide, especially when she has such clear plans on HOW she would do it...that shows intent, which is beyond the point of it being just an ideation.

You're a doctor, you should know this is absolutely nothing to mess around with.  This isn't a marital or behavioral problem, it is an urgent, possibly life threatening crisis.  The longer you wait...the more likely the outcome will be tragic.

I've known THREE people who threatened to commit suicide, and followed through.  In two of the cases, they weren't taken seriously, people thought they were just trying to get attention.  They got it, alright, in the most unimaginable way.

[Londres70]

Yes, mental illness can run in families.  Whether this is your wife's situation or not....I don't know.  I do know it sounds like she needs help.  I am not exactly sure what diagnosis this is, but trust me this is psych indeed.  

The mother cut a radial artery?  And this was a "kitchen accident?"  Hmmm....I am not so sure that was any "kitchen accident."  Just sounds strange.  

Perhaps she was like this all along and it just exacerbated after the marriage or because of the marriage or it exacerbated by coincidence after the marriage.  Perhaps she was taking medicaiton for her problem and it was unbeknowst to you (hidden from you) and she stopped..........Of course I am only speculating.  I would say it's not unusual for someone not to fully disclosure mental illness because of the stigma associated with being mentally ill.  On the other hand, perhaps all this just presented itself now.  

Bottom line.....get her some help.  

[specialmom]

I think your wife needs to be in the care of a psychiatrist.  Do this PLEASE!!  Before it is too late and she follows through with her threats.  As a doctor you know that one doesn't have to have a reason to be depressed, the chemicals in the brain are just not right.  Get her help as soon as possible.  Don't be angry with her, people can NOT help depression or mental health issues.  

PLEASE, I'm really begging you to seek mental health help for her.  

[RockRose]

Bishke,  if she has had a complete and total personality change since the day you married,  that points all the more to organic brain disorder.

That doesn't usually turn out to be the case,  though.  Usually,  it's a case where the fiance just didn't want to acknowledge the personality of the one they chose to marry.

Were your friends,  and her friends and family,  shocked by her personality change?

[Bishkek85]

She was not forced into this marriage. I met her at my college. We kept dating for a year, then we were engaged for 1 year more. Then we got married. During
the two years before our marriage, she never showed such behaviour.

         After marriage this side of hers was revealed upon me. She threatened me once before, She said she'll take a wheat pill, which is a lethal poison with no antidote or cure in our country.

        Before Our marriage, I once learned that her mother cut the radial artery in her right forearm close to her wrist in a "Kitchen Accident". Sje was rushed to a hospital and saved. Is it possible that that event was not an accident and her mom attempted suicide too? These types of mental ailments travel in families I hear.

[brice1967]

If she is threatening suicide, she should have her license revoked at once!

If she has a problem with you being late sometimes, let her drive and pick you up.... seems fair, doesn't it?

[Londres70]

You call grabbing a knive or scissors then placing them to her throat and hopping in front of a car  "misbehaving?"  If you do you are sorely mistaken.  She is mentally ill in my opinion; the diagnosis.....not sure about that, but she is psych.  This isn't some grown woman acting like a "brat" trying to get her way.  

I sure hope the hospital she works for is handling this situation and not allowing her to treat patients until she sort herself out.  

"Childish people" don't threaten to kill themselves.....mentally ill people do that.  

I would recommend getting your wife help NOT "boycotting" her if you truly love her.  Sounds like she is crying out for help and you aren't getting it.  DO THIS FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR UNBORN CHILD AND YOUR WIFE.

"Where is our relationship headed?".......Well.....if she goes through with one of her suicide threats you won't have to worry about a relationship or marriage with her.  Food for thought.  

I am not sure if your mindset about her is influenced by your cultural norms and beliefs.  

She wasn't forced into this marriage.....was she?  I mean, did she even want to be married with you?

[Life360_Dave]

Seems like you both are very busy and under a lot of stress and have created a somewhat routine lifestyle. Since she is pregnant does show that there is loving feeling between the to of you so maybe you need to get away for a while. maybe take a nice vacation together to break up the habit life style. She seems like she is at her wits end and needs a break.

[RockRose]

Her family doesn't think she's always right,  they're just used to everyone giving in to her to keep the peace.

All the way through your post I was thinking well,  it's time to end this marriage!  Enough of a woman who is clearly incapable of an adult married relationship.

But then I got to the worst part - she's pregnant.

I don't know where this horror is headed,  I don't know why you married this woman.  She didn't suddenly get this way after you married her.

Best wishes.  In a lifestyle like yours, where appearances are absolutely everything,  she's dangerous.

[RainLover71]

Your wife needs to seek professional mental help.All the best.

[specialmom]

Oh my goodness,  Well, I think your wife needs to see a psychiatrist.  She's clearly depressed and has some irrational thought and ANYTIME suicide ideation is present, it is to be taken seriously.  What you describe to me is a medical emergency.  Not sure how your system works, but in the states, they do things like involuntary holds if someone is considered to be a danger to themselves.  Your wife is really at this point in my opinion (just based on what you've written).  

She is not being childish or pathetic.  These are cries for help sir.  If you had a patient that had a spouse reporting that they threatened suicide, would you quickly discount it and just say that the person was acting badly?  Probably not as that would not be giving good care.  It's hard when we are in the situation and it is hard to look at it realistically.

Suicide is something that someone may occasionally mention. What's different about your wife?  She's got plans.  She knows how she'd carry it out----  jumping in front of a moving car, using a knife.  That is some scary stuff and it would be a huge mistake to not look at this as a serious threat and that your wife needs some mental health help.

I could give you marrital advice (like, get the woman her own vehicle so she doesn't have to wait on you . . . frankly, after long hours, I'd be highly annoyed as well if my ride (no matter who it was or how busy THEY were) was late) but this seems far beyond that to me.

Seek a mental health evaluation for her and do so lovingly.  Tell her you want her to be happy and to be safe and THAT is why you are wanting her to seek help.  Then CLEAR your schedule and go with her.  This is a health crisis.  good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

Given that you are both doctors, you must know the power of seeing counseling from a therapist.  If you don't, it's time to learn about it.  Go yourself, ask her to go with you.  If she will not, you have some serious values clarification to go through with the help of your therapist and possibly a religious advisor as well.  Obviously you retaliating by "boycotting" her is not working, it makes you look as childish as she is acting, and also it stirs things up instead of calming them down.  You have to take the high road and be the dignified one.  What her family thinks about who is right is less important than what you and she manage to create together as a couple, and right now it sounds like some serious marriage counseling help is called for.