My adult son hates me!

[mlou440]

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou

[CandieFlossie]

I am so glad I found this thread.  I wouldn't say that my son hates me, although maybe he does. He just hasn't said so. He is middle-aged now, and I love him dearly, but our relationship is distant, emotionally and physically. I resist the urge to email him because I sense he doesn't want to hear from me and when he does reply to my emails, he never signs out with 'love' as I do. As a child, I was never shown love. Consequently, I didn't know how to show it when I had my son. I was also controlling, as was my father to me. The result is a son who really doesn't want to know me and I don't know how to fix this situation. I have looked around the internet for websites that might be helpful, but there doesn't seem to be much available or anything that's suitable. Is anybody here in a similar situation?  And have you managed to heal your relationship with your son?

[burkie1]

I totally agree.I often ask myself who's idea was it to have kids. My oldest hates me and blames all his problems on me. My husband never sticks up for me.When he acts like that towards me my others kids end up not liking him. So uncomfortable!!!!! We were all together after not see each other for a while all he did is talk down to me.He also has gained about 100lbs since i saw him last,looks so unhealthy.wish you and i could meet for coffee.i feel your pain.

[Whydoibother]

Hi have just came across your post, and am so glad i did. I have constant abuse off my 32 year old daughter ( who by the way is married with 3 kids, and doesn't live at home) My 24 year old son is the same ( he lives at home). The only one i can call my saviour is my 18 year old daughter. I have done everything i can as a mother for the two oldest, but they either treat me as if im senile  ( im 55) or treat me like dirt. I even felt like driving off a cliff today, with the things my son said to me. Why have we got to put up with this!! I know im not a perfect mother, but have always thought i have done my best.
Sometimes i wonder why i even bother. :-(

[Juju1955]

i have a soon to be 38 year old son who lives with me. He is so mean every day. He talks to me so mean,curses me takes drugs and drinks. All his dad says is now you better stop your month. He thinks he is untouchable. I threw something at him for talking to me  so mean and he said that's the worst mistake u made. I will sent u to jail. He's friends with the policeman in this county and thinks he can get by with anything. Does anyone have any advice?

[Crossed]

I too am having trouble.  I just want to see some suggestions on advise.

[Sharihome]

My 19 yrs old son hates me. He is disrespectful with his words, he takes me for granted and damages my home. I raised him giving him too much and not teaching him how to be independent. Now he is like a unknowledgeable grown teen that is naked of ammunition on how to cope with life. He has been kicked out 3 times and lives with my in-laws. They think we were horrible parents. he also takes a lot of pills like Xanax, ecstasy, and acid, along with drinking and pot. He can't cope well, doesn't control his emotions, has anger, rage, and crappy friends. Now he will not talk to his dad or I and feels all his problems are his fault. I miss him, I love him, I don't know what to do. Will he be o.k.? Will he learn to grow up responsibly? He was a 4.0 student, and quit college because we wouldn't give him rides after he would cuss at me. Again, to him, that was my fault he dropped out. He won't see a counselor or go to NA or AA. I'm so scared for him. I cry every day! What can I do?