My adult son hates me!

[mlou440]

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou

[Fiorello]

I too am dealing with a 24 year old son who hates me and who blames me  for every problem in his life. He has had every conceivable advantage in life yet does not appreciate anything and prefers to stay home in bed all day, reading about psychological disorders and claiming he has them (self-diagnosed), due to my past behaviors. He is constantly psychoanalyzing me and accusing me of all kinds of nefarious intentions towards him. When I have tried to accommodate him by admitting that some of my past behaviors were not conducive to a settled family life, apologizing to him for his pain, and have proven that I have changed my ways.  When I share my feelings with him he throws them back in my face.  I have spend $1,000's per month for a big name therapist and instead of improving, his therapy consists more of commiseration with the therapist than any kind of healing. Basically, the kid has my wife and I by the balls and knows it, and threatens to run away or become homeless if I don't get out of the house because he can't be in the same house as me. Any suggestions?

[Fiorello]

I too am dealing with a 24 year old son who hates me and who blames me  for every problem in his life. He has had every conceivable advantage in life yet does not appreciate anything and prefers to stay home in bed all day, reading about psychological disorders and claiming he has them (self-diagnosed), due to my past behaviors. He is constantly psychoanalyzing me and accusing me of all kinds of nefarious intentions towards him. When I have tried to accommodate him by admitting that some of my past behaviors were not conducive to a settled family life, apologizing to him for his pain, and have proven that I have changed my ways.  When I share my feelings with him he throws them back in my face.  I have spend $1,000's per month for a big name therapist and instead of improving, his therapy consists more of commiseration with the therapist than any kind of healing. Basically, the kid has my wife and I by the balls and knows it, and threatens to run away or become homeless if I don't get out of the house because he can't be in the same house as me. Any suggestions?

[she2sing]

I am 65 years old on 12 April and I have been widowed for 11 years. My youngest son who does not live wit me, is constantly demeaning me and screams and curses at me. He has a history of drug abuse, and he gets into verbally violent confrontations with strangers when he walks his 4 dogs in the park. Often they are off the leash.He demands money all the time and expects me to pay for everything. He hacked my facebook account yesterday on my mobile phone, came into the store and screamed at me that I had betrayed him. When I checked my phone to see what had set him off, there was nothing untoward in my messages. I went to his house today to get back my lawn mower which he had. He physically threw it at me and screamed I was a C....He has had several visits to a psychiatrist who says he is not mentally ill. I am a retired nurse, and I am beginning to fear that he may be psychotic.But he can be very charming when he chooses. I have decided to stay out of his life, but I feel so hated, and this abuse has been going on since he was 13 years old. I feel so worried. I wish I had money so I could move away, but I only have my state pension to live on. Can anyone advise me?

[stelymae]

you don't need to move,  I moved into a secured apartment I keep my distance from my son, that helps a little

[disowned]

I am a 44 year mom of a 22 year old son. he hasnt said mean things to me nor has he physically abused me in any way, instead what he does is just not talk to me or his grandparents. he lives in another state with his girlfriend . he seems to accept her mother as his own and doesnt want anything to do with his own family. All his life he lived with my husband and I people told me I was spoiling him. he had everything I didnt when I was growing up. Yes I pushed him where his education was concerned but he was never abused, never went hungry, always had clothes and shoes, whatever he needed. but now for 3 years the only time he speaks to me is if bug him on facebook. I just had major surgery of which I informed him that because of my heart my doctors were concerned I may not make it through. however didnt seem to matter what I said to him about it, I got no response from him and now that surgery is over with he hasnt even tried to check in and see how it went. so, I have decided that my heart has been broken for the last time. I took him off my facebook along with his girlfriend so I dont have to see his face everyday knowing he wont speak to me.
after reading this thread I feel better about doing so. maybe if I distance my self from him all together he will remember he has a mom. after all since I am adopted and do not know my birth parents he and I are the only blood lines we have. it is very dis-heartening .

[creamcracker]

I just want to say how helpful I have found it to read this string of comments. I am  10 years estranged from my son who, whenever I get enough courage to be in touch ( rarely because of how awful the responses are) I end up back at rock bottom. Its hard to be so despised. The comments about how the power balance is perceived by the grown up child really struck me, as well as the idea that there seems to be some kind of satisfaction in hurting.
I have no idea how to be OK with this constant loss but maybe the advice to stop looking for a change is right. Change what we hope for?
Its such a relief to hear others in the same position, this is such an isolating problem.

[ffjjrruu]

I just read some of these comments.  Sad to say I'm not the only one that has been hurt by their kid.  My 22 year old told called me a fat bit--today because I didn't agree with him about something.  He has ADD and hardly ever takes his meds, alittle OCD too.  His 20 year old brother is also at home, still smoking weed regularly despite already being arrested.  Gave these kids cars, a education (they are both in school, but have dropped more classes than finished so far)-- so ready for an empty nest.  I worry all the time about them, but they just do and say what they want to.  Honestly,  I don't know if i would have had kids if I knew this was how it was gonna be.  Sad