My boyfriend and his PORN - Help!

[Val1118]

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years. A year or so into the relationship I found a stack of porn (black guys and blond white girls) I wanted to be the kind of girlfriend that didn't mind about the porn as long as he was up front about it and still made time for us. I asked him if it was his and he said no, it was his Dads. I had a hard time believing that and was upset that he lied but let it go.
He told me he doesn't look at porn and stupid me I believed it... for a while.
About 3 years ago I plugged in a USB that I thought was mine was was bombarded with hundreds of pictures of black men and white blond girls, and pictures of just the girls. It made me really upset. None of the women in the pictures had anything in common with me and it made me feel VERY unnattractive, and undesireable, on top of it all this time he was watching it and lying to me. He noticed I was unhappy so I told him what I found. He accused me of snooping (after 6 years together in my opinion, a couple shouldn't have "hidden" stuff) Which I did not. I use USB's a lot and thought it was mine. Then he wanted to break up because he was embarrased, and didn't want me to think less of him. I told him I didn't but told him how it made me feel.
Now skip to the present. He is now open with his porn but it's leaking more and more into our sex life. Personally (not racist at all) I am just not attracted to most black men. In fact some of them turn me off ( think it has to do with the gangster/thug mentality that a lot of black men seem to be into) But when we have sex he wants me to talk about how I would love to be with a black guy (this is the censored version...) and it ends up turning sex into an improv story for me and I don't enjoy it at all because Im concentrating too much on making up stuff for him to enjoy. Other times I know he has been looking at porn and comes into the bedroom and grabs the lube and just has sex with me. No kissing, no forplay. I feel like just a place for him to dump his sperm. I hate it. I have tried to get into his fettish but I just can't. He's told me he would love it if I had sex with a black guy in front of him. I told him how I felt about it and he just replies that most women would love it if their boyfriend let them have sex with another guy, and that Im just not a ****. NO I AM NOT A ****! I find it very hurtful and strange that my boyfriend would WANT me to be a ****.
Now his porn has taken over the picture file on the computer. So every time I need to get in there, there are again hundreds of pictures. I put them all into a file so I don't have to see them but every day there are at least 10-20 more pictures. I can't help but feel that he isn't even thinking about me or into sex with me without the porn. When we do have sex his eyes are always closed, and that just makes me feel worse.
I have no idea what to do. I have told him about the way I feel but he just doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't understand how it makes me feel to know he is lusting after these other women and getting off on them and not on us and our sex life. If there is anyone out there who can help me cope with this I would greatly appreciate it! I have no one else to turn to about this!

[adiesimba]

Respect=Romance.Sex=Lust

[TTinKKerBBell]

Dear, dear Val,  
There is Good and Bad in EVERY relationship.  NEVER is any relationship perfect, BUT when the bad OUTWEIGHS the good, it truely, truely is time to make the decision to move on.  Ending a relationship is NEVER easy for ANYONE, but sometimes in the face of Self-Respect and Self-Preservation we DO, we really DO, have to make this choice.

My personal opinion:
There is no such thing as porn "addiction".   There is, "I want what I want, and You can take it or leave it!!"  "ADDICTION" is when one introduces  a CHEMICAL substance into the body and the body (organs) come to "depend" on that chemical.
Porn "addiction" is a CHOICE!! i.e., he chooses porn  -  or he chooses You.

I realize this sounds kinda harsh - BUT - this IS Your Life and You REALLY do GET TO CHOOSE WHAT YOU WILL TOLERATE IN A (any) RELATIONSHIP!!  

I PROMISE YOU:  There are MANY men out there who will Love, Honor and Respect You and be grateful to have You love them in return.  (why?? oh why?? do we think there is only one out there to love us, or that we can love?????  There are 600,000 million people in this United States!!  There are MANY people we could be in love with and who would not only love us back but love us with respect!!!  I KNOW THIS IS TRUE!!!

[AnnieBrooke]

Sounds like this is a guy who is relying (possibly subconsciously) on you to be someone who will put up with the worst because you are so fearful of being alone.  Don't let him use you in this way, he is being degrading to you as a human being.  Once you go, please see a therapist and work on why it is so scary to you to be alone.  Alone in your own peaceful little place is a whole lot better than having a degrading sex life with a man who does not care about you as a person.

[Val1118]

Thank you all for your responses. Somehow I think I knew what the replies would be. The porn thing isn't even the half of it, and as much as I hate to say it, my mother was right about him. He is my first and only boyfriend so I have no experience with the break up stuff. I feel so bad because I know his parents and his sister and her children. 9 years is a long time to be immersed in a family.
On the other hand I do know that I have self esteem issues and have a hard time thinking that I could find someone else. I know this is stupid but I just can't help feeling it. I don't want to be alone. Both my parents divorced and gor remarried and devorced again. My Dad is gone 1 year ago today and my poor mother is still alone. It really scares me.
I know I should leave, I have known it a while but I don't know how. Thank you all again for your advice, I will do what I can.
Just wanted to say it's not always bad with him but that's not good enough.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I personally don't agree w/ porn watching and couldn't handle that in my relationship but other people have different views on it.

He sounds like he has an addiction and is very selfish.  If my husband actually wanted me to be w/ another guy, I would be heartbroken and he wouldn't be my husband for much longer.

I would leave and not look back.  You deserve better.  Under normal circumstances (and to me, this isn't what I would consider normal circumstances), I think compromise is good but when one compromises too much about anything, they tend to lose themselves and who they are.  Don't let that happen to you.

Good luck.

[Ashelen]

I agree with Annie...I am so, so sorry that it sounds like you've wasted 9 years with a guy who has gotten progressively less devoted to you and more devoted to his own pleasure, but it sounds like the case. Frequently I think couples can work through porn addiction issues, but this one is out of control. If you want to work it out...therapy. Sex therapy, couples therapy, and individual therapy...and he HAS to commit to the relationship and fixing it. But it honestly sounds to me like he is entirely wrapped up in his own pleasure, I'm sorry. I would worry less about his "lusting after these other women" and more about the trying to pressure you into having sex with another man when it makes you uncomfortable, and his requiring you to roleplay something that you dislike so often (once in awhile I could understand maybe, but all the time..?) and the fact that his addiction has affected your sex life so negatively.

Please, either get help, or get out..you deserve better. and he needs help.

[AnnieBrooke]

Leave, honey.  He isn't even trying.