My boyfriend changed his mind about marriage - help
My boyfriend I grew up together. He lived just 5 houses down from me. Our birthdays are 5 days apart from each other. We even have the same initials. We grew up playing together with the other neighborhood children. I had always had a crush on him, but he was a popular kid, and I was a shy quiet type. I never dreamed we would ever get together. It was about 9 months ago. He had come home from college to visit, it was the first time I had seem him in 5 years. I had just broken up with my awful ex a few months before- that relationship was over years ago. So when we hit it off, I was happier than I had ever been. I had gotten the guy of my dreams to notice me. And he is wonderful. He was raised by his mother (parents divorced) to be respectful and nice to women and to treat them with kindness. I was in Chicago, he was in Montana. I went to visit him in october, where we made our relationship fb official. A month later I moved out to be with him in Montana. I left behind my friends, my family, my life for this guy. When we ere talking before I had moved, he had said how he thought I was the one, how he had told his friends that he had found the one. That he would put a ring on my finger, we would have a family someday. We talked about baby names, he showed me a picture of the perfect ring. So I knew that moving out there, it was going to lead somewhere. We had so much in common, same feelings, beliefs, life goals/outlooks. Raised the same, basically. School of hard knocks, and all that.I can't be happier with this guy. He always treats me right, cares about me, takes care of me. We couldn't be more perfect for each other. I know we've only been together for 9 moths, but it seems long since we have known each other since we were 5. So the other day I was feeling down a little bit, because he had been not reciprocating my hugs or kisses lately. It made me a little down that maybe he didn't love me anymore. So I brought it up to him, and he just said that he wasn't a really sharing feelings emotional person like I was. Right, I knew that. I just thought it was a little much that anytime I said I like you, or I live you, he would respond with, I know. Then he brought up that he never wanted to get married or have a family, and would I be ok with just being his forever girlfriend. Whoa- out of the blue, wtf. I literally burst out crying right then. The next day, I called into work, and spent the day just crying, thinking about the fact that he said he didn't want to marry me. What changed his mind, was it something I did, am I not what he wanted anymore? I suffer from anxiety and depression, and this set it off like crazy. Panic attacks that last all day. I promised myself when I broke up with my ex that I would never let another guy make me have a panic attack again. But I love this guy whole heatedly. I would put him before myself anyday. So when he came home from work that day. We had a long talk, about why he never wanted to get married or have a children. He explained, that he knows how bad he hurt me, and that he also understands how awful it is for him - because he knows that he is extremely selfish, and greedy, and that he's come to terms with being that way, and that he would never put anyone before him when it came to an opportunity to advance. That he feels like marriage or a family will hold him back from achieving his goals, and that he just didn't want the responsibility of a lifelong commitment. But at the same time said that he would make sure that I would always have whatever I wanted, and had a roof over my head, and would be safe. He's very ambitious, and has a huge future ahead of him, I just don't understand why he feels like I would hold him back. I've told him many times before that I would never let that happen, that him meetings his goals was important to me too - as I don't have a dream or ambition like him. It hurts so much to know that he doesn't want to marry me, or have children, when he told me all this before. I feel like I was lied to, and am just being strung along. But I know he cares for me so much, cause he tells his friends that all the time. I'm just afraid of what if I make the brass decision to leave, and he finds another girl and end up marring her. Or if I stay with him and he doesn't change his mind, and five, 10, 15 years down the road marriage doesn't happen- I would have wasted my time, because I want marriage. I want the dress, the party, the commitment, knowing im secure.I need advice, or just cheerful help to keep my mind sane.
It sounds to me like you are rushing into it. You've only been officially together for 9 months, give it some time and spend time together. Some guys get freaked out by the thought of marriage, especially when the girl is throwing around ideas and whatnot. Or he could be putting on a front and making it seem like he doesn't want that, and trying to see your reaction. I don't mean to get your hopes up but some guys do this when they want to surprise their girlfriends. Marriage is not what everyone makes it out to be. Just like how being someone's girlfriend is different than being a friend. Being engaged is different than just being boyfriend/girlfriend. And marriage is much, much different than dating and being engaged. I am 20 years old, a junior in college and I was with my husband 2 months before we got engaged and I freaked out because once we got engaged, everyone started throwing wedding dates around and it's stressful. I made him wait 2 years before we got married because it really is much different than people make it out to be. I would sit him down, and talk to him about it. If he doesn't want to get married and you do, then the thing to do would to take a step back look at all the reasons why the relationship would and would not work. Sometimes distancing yourself from your man could be the best thing, remember "you don't know what you have until it's gone."
Hi and really sorry this has happened and turns my stomach when i see how people can be so cruel to another human being. Who is he to string you along like this. What gives him the right to take advantage of your intimacy and please him before. He is a lier and a user and an egotist. I would not be panic stricken if i were you but be mad and when the time is right to leave.
He is the true meaning of a cad! And not only is he not the one for you but from his actions, you are not the one for him.
You broke your promise to your self about not letting this happen and i hope your true to yourself going forward.
In my life ive discovered it is better to be with a person who feels like you do about him than feeling that way about someone else.
It's only been 9 months. Perhaps the "rush" scared Him enough to cool His heels. Marriage and Babies are Forever. This is/can/should be things a Person is absolutely sure of before taking the step to Marry and make Babies. Do I understand that You are still Together? just that He isn't considering Marriage right now? If so, just enjoy One Another and see if something more permanent becomes a reality for the Two of You. Personally, I think 9 months is too early to make a Life Altering/LifeTime commitment.....but no, I wouldn't wait 5, 10, 15 years down the road once You've become serious. You will both know way before then.
My Husband and I were Best of Friends (platonic) for 7 YEARS before We realized We were in Love. We are now married 29 years.
For Us TRUE LOVE Is a FriendShip Set on Fire.
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