My boyfriend does not ejaculate during sex - how do I best approach this with him?

I'm hoping someone can help suggest the best way to approach/deal with some sexual issues my boyfriend and I are having.  

He does not (and never has he tell me) ejaculate during sex - only through masturbation.  He says that he feels good during sex, and enjoys the intimacy and pleasing me, but just never feels sexually aroused enough to release.  We have been together for 2 years now and I thought that over time he might have been able to open up to me about this, but nothing.

I have tried to ask what he likes, takes things slow, or fast, all kinds of positions and acts, have tried to talk about it, how he feels, thinks, tried to suggest we masturbate together, for him to do it away from me and then come back and ejaculate with me... but he just is not ready to deal with it.  He says that he has an unusual way of masturbating and that he is embarrassed.

This has not been much of a problem as sex is usually great and I have been able to accept and understand.  But lately, I feel like he is loosing interest in sex with me, and prefers to masturbate instead.  I am getting frustrated and need some help for what I can do from here - he just seems to keep getting more and more closed up.

Thanks in advance.

[Judy246]

Something is wrong. First, if  he is ejaculating or not, I hope you are both being responsible and he is using a condom (safe sex), unless you are both trying to get pregnant. All it takes is a little drop for pregnancy. Maybe he is afraid of ejaculating in you for fear of pregnancy and is not telling. If he feels he is cuming, does he pull out? Does he satisfy you completely?  You need to address your concerns to him and communicate your feelings to him.  If his continues, you will need to suggest counseling for him or reconsider your relationship.  Best of luck...Judy

[mslkpage]

You definitely need more communication. It sounds like he's conditioned himself to that one specific technique. This topic has come up on MH before. Here's one link that I remember from several years ago.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Mens-Health/Very-unique-penis-problem/show/183046

[Blaga]

Thank you both for your comments.  

Yes, we are being responsible and no, there is no fear of pregnancy.

We do need to communicate - its just so hard to get through to him.  I guess I m hurt mostly that he doesnt trust me enough to open up to me about this.  

I have continued to search online, thanks for sending the link through also.

Will touch base with any progress, thanks.

[sammy73]

This can happen, it's a genuine problem.  I went through a patch for a while when I couldn't ejaculate during sex, or only rarely, even though I could always get there with masturbation.  Not really sure why, or how it started, just some sort of mental block that I had no control over.  And the sex was good, and I was enjjoying it!

If your boyfriend has never been able to ejaculate during sex, it could be something similar, but more severe.  This is no reflection on you, on how he sees you, or how good the sex is.

His explanation of only being able to ejaculate during masturbation does kinda make sense too.  It is possible to get over-dependant on masturbation, to the point where only masturbation can give you the exact stimulation you need to reach orgasm.  Also, it sounds quite possible to me there is something he does during masturbation that stimulates him, that he's unwilling to share with you, and that he's become dependant on and can't reach orgasm without it.

For example, it's not all that unusual for men to enjoy inserting a finger in the anus during masturbation (and no, that doesn't make someone a latent or closet gay!).  Not saying this is necessarily the case with your guy - just an example of something that someone might do that they are unwilling to admit to.

[teko]

Is he gay? Or bi?  If a guy has sex with me and is not turned on enough to get off, there is definately somethin else goin on.  

[sins1984]

Mine doesn't either. So we started checking into it and I am sure he has low testosterone. When confronted he says that he just has sex with me to please me... (not that often either). So nothing can be done. Try to figure out if he just isn't ever in the mood and just doing it to 'please' you.

[teko]

If he ejaculates while masterbating (masturbating), it is not a testosterone problem. Look deeper.

[Judy246]

His fear of pregnancy, intimacy, health issues, attraction...it can be anyting, but as teko said, there has to be a deeper problem. You have to just bluntly ask him about your concern...Judy

[lovesh]

if he doesnot want to enjaculate .Tell him,make him jeal... By say if u will not pregnent me .I will choose
some one else to do so.If you are MAN .then *** to me and make me preg... now.If you r not a MAN then tell me.So i can take decision.

[89lizz]

I've had the iud. For about almost a yr my boyfriend use to *** easily but now he doesn't *** unless he like finishes himself he says he can feel the iud could this be why he doesn't *** anymore from the pain he's feeling although he says he's enjoying the sex and pleasing me?

[MissS_01]

My boy friend and I have been together for 5 years, we have 2 children and what I think a good relationship. Lately it seems that he cannot ejaculate during intercourse. He used to do it fine, we used to have a great sex life and had sex all the time. We can't do it as much anymore because of the children but I think we still have good sex and so does he, or at least he says he enjoys it and looks like he does. I'll dress up sexy for him and we try different positions. I finding it hard to understand why this is happening he can't ejaculate unless he does it himself. Why is this? Is it me?

[GiGiGiBo]

He may have  been abused, and his anxiety about losing control with another (even someone he loves) may keep him from reaching orgasm. Sexual dysfunction is a common symptom of sexual abuse. Reaching orgasm can also hurt to some men who were abused. According to reliable statiatics, 1 in 6 males have been sexually abused. There's a helpful website called 1in6 where you could learn more about the very painful symptoms suffered by victims of this under-recognized crime.  I have a very dear friend who has suffered terribly from childhood sexual abuse, and has always had much difficulty sexually. His awareness of the abuse just recently surfaced in an EMDR therapy session. Though the many common symptoms of sexual abuse have plagued this incredibly fine man for most of his life, he is just starting to understand why he has suffered so. According to experts in sexual abuse trauma, it is not uncommon for victims to have sketchy, or no memories of the abuse. Therefore sometimes the abuse is only apparent by its common symptoms. I pray that your loved ones, no matter what they are suffering, seek God's peace and professional help, and the very available understanding and compassion of others. Bless you and you beloved.

[belasarius]

Does he watch to pornography?  Porn desesitizes people to real sex and is physiologically addicting to the brain.  If He is watching porn it can be very difficult to stop.