My boyfriend does not know how to be nice.

My boyfriend dos not know how to say things nice. He believes he says everything normally, but in reality it hurts me. For example, I'm a very clumsy person. I do things like looking for a pencil that's on my ear. In a situation like that instead of saying something like "you have your pencil on your ear", or maybe joke about it, he would look at me death serious and say something like "where do you think is your pencil? you don't use your head! you need to think things through" and little by little it makes me feel with less and less confidence. Maybe I get easily hurt, I don't know. I try to tell hi to be nicer, to say things in a different manner. I try to tell him that the way he say things hurts me and that he should worry about that. But the answer I get every time is that he is not doing anything wrong and that he shouldn't change anything because he not wrong. That is my own lack of confidence the reason I get easily hurt. That I'm having this lack of confidence because of certain situations I lived during my childhood and that I should do something about it, not him. Sometimes when I'm ready to leave him he somehow manage to convince me that I'm the one who's wrong. I just can't help but feel that he really does not talk nice to me and that he should do something about it but he insists that he's right. He say things like "why don't you use your head?" "you need to think a little!" and I get scolded by him for things that I think I should not get scolded, or at least at the level he does, putting the lock at a door thinking I'm actually unlocking it, because I sometimes put cards outside the wallet and inside the purse and I have trouble finding them, because I talk too much when I get out of work, because I don't lock the door to my door when I'm driving, etc. I get scolded by him for so much stuff like this sometimes I just start crying out of frustration. PLEASE HELP ME!! What should I do, I've tried so many times to explain to him to say things nicer so I don't feel stupid but he says I'm wrong!!! HELP!

[Londres70]

Well, one of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is that you cannot change a person if his/she doesn't wish to be changed, however, you can change how you respond to him/her and/or change your situation.  

Bottom line: I doubt he is going to change; he doesn't see a problem with himself; just with you.  Difficult to talk with someone who doesn't see a problem with himself/herself.  Perhaps you may be a bit "extra" sensitive to things, but you should be with someone who is more empathetic to that and not with someone constantly scolding you and making you feel like "everything" is your fault because of the way you are.  You must have some confidence as you have tried to leave him, which you probably should have followed through on.  

A relationship should make you feel good about yourself NOT worried about the next time you will be scolded about "this or that" or make you feel "stupid and inadequate."  

If he is being this "petty" about trivial things, makes one wonder how he will react to more serious issues.  In my opinion, his behavior sounds a bit "control-ish" and definitely selfish.  

"My boyfriend does not know how to be nice."  Hmmm......the ability to be "nice" should be a basic prerequisite before making someone your bf in my opinion.  This shouldn't be anything you should have to TEACH him.  If he can't do this, then he shouldn't be involved in a relationship with someone UNTIL he sorts this issue out.  

Best of luck with this.  

[SeraII]

Have you emphasized how often and how hurt you get when he makes those comments?  If he doesn't believe you, point it out that he's hurting you, everytime.  

Personally I don't see the point of having him as a boyfriend, or even as a friend if he constantly hurts you like that.  Friends and boyfriends should be supportive and listening, he's not doing either.  It sounds like you can't communicate your feelings to him, which is troublesome.

Aside: being clumsy or misplacing things does not make you stupid.  One of my friends is very smart while often misplacing her keys, pencils and other items.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  One of the main functions of dating is to see whether we should move to the next level with someone.  We are supposed to be learning things about our partner along the way to judge whether it is in or best interest or NOT to move ahead with the relationship.

I think if we feel bad about who we are in a relationship, then it might not be worth continuing.  I do think things get harder as time goes on-----  many more changes to be annoyed with our partner as our lives are inermeshed in every way.  So when we are dating, if they are annoyed with us, we with them, if we are always hurt, etc.----  I just think the relationship will have big difficulties sustaining itself for the long haul.  He may be annoyed by your being absent minded at times.  You get hurt by the way he expresses it.  Both are legitimate but might make you incompatible.

I do want to comment on something though.  When you said he spoke rudely to you, I expected him calling you names or saying you are stupid or something.  Unless he is saying it with a tone underneath that implies you are an 'idiot', then I think he is telling you that you CAN figure these things out if you take the time to think about it.  That to me is different than calling you a name.  He may be impatient though and again, that would not be a good mate for you long term.  Again, I'm not there and maybe his tone is rude.  You are feeling scolded by it and that is not good.

I'll say this.  There are some personality types that do not mesh.  You have a very laid back way . . .  you might keep a house differently than he likes (as in not being particular about where things are put), you might be disorganized at times (I used to be like that with the cards outside the wallet until I drove MYSELF crazy and got super serious about being better organized for my OWN sake), just in general be a non type A person.  You would not be a great match for a type A person that is very specific about how things are done.  Some people just don't get along in this regard and neither is bad for it.  They are just less compatible.  

You two may just not be a great match.  And your first statement ----  my boyfriend can't be nice is a deal breaker for me.  good luck dear

[RockRose]

I agree with the others that you're not a match.  Which is fine,  that's what dating is about,  to find someone who IS a match.  He's not.

You're a bit of a scatterbrain (I am too) and he gets easily frustrated with scatterbrain behavior and believes,  who knows why,  that it's his job or even any of his business, to correct every little error he sees you making.  

Honestly,  he's probably suffering from a little bit of anxiety and frustration in your relationship.  

You need someone who is laid back and really doesn't care about the small details you are talking about,  and he needs a woman who has great attention to detail and is very careful.  Someone like that would probably bore me,  but that's what he wants.

This isn't going to get better.  But your life will,  once you pick up and move on.

Best wishes.

[RockRose]

BTW,  specialmom,  I just read through your response carefully and my statement that I'd find someone boring who pays great attention to detail boring wasn't a slam at you.  ;D  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree with everyone here.  I would add that You should not let what someone else says define how You feel about YourSelf - it's not about You - it's HIS style to put someone (You) down - Maybe, somehow He feels superior? You shouldn't feel personally inadequate by what or how He says it.  On the other hand there is a real clue here in the sense You've explained how it makes You feel and He has no wish to make You feel better.  It's my thought that if we care for someone and it's brought to our attention that we're bringing that person unhappiness then we would try to do differently.  He seems uninterested in making You feel better.

[specialmom]

Rockrose-----------  ha.  You should see my laundry room and you'd know that I don't pay great attention to detail on a lot of things.  I've had to get more organized as time has gone on in order to function better.  In fact, the wallet is essential so that I don't "lose" my credit card or ID amongst the other 'stuff'.  

Paying attention to organizing and little things has grown for me over the years.  That 15 minute search for car keys when I already needed to be out the door got annoying.  

[specialmom]

Ugh, new computer posts before I mean to a LOT!  Anyway, I'm not a type A person but try to make my life easier and run better by little things like having a 'spot' for car keys, shoes, etc.  (I was trying to give her a tip).  

I'm far from a type A person.  But I married a man that is more like me.  So, I don't have any conflict over it.  That is the key-----  find someone that has a compatible style to you or is tolerant of who you are.