My boyfriend doesn't understand my adhd son

[Kiki0828]

I have been with my bf for over 2 years. We both have 2 children from previous marriages. All of the children get along. The problem is that my son (7) has ADHD and my bf has ADD and he can't seem to get along with my son at all. He constantly watches him like a hawk and picks on him for every little thing, but if any of the other 3 kids perform the same "bad" behaviors its "alright" to him because "they don't get into as much trouble as he does". This only started since we moved in together 5 months ago. I don't understand how he doesn't have any sympathy for a little boy who goes through some of the same symptoms my bf has??? My son is on meds now and I am hoping for the best, please don't confuse this thinking I put him on meds for my bf; he was having significant problems in school and at home. My bf just has to say something about everything my son does, from the way he plays with the other kids to the way he watches tv... I just don't know how I can get him to wake-up!

[brice1967]

I am not being critical, but if there was more to the story you should have elaborated and perhaps you would have received the advice you were fishing for.  

It clearly seems as if your BF has a major issue with your son, and if your son were my son, I wouldn't risk his health because of a matter of convenience or inconvenience.  I would start looking for a way out now before something happens that you'll regret for the rest of your life.  

At the very least, seperate and seek therapy together, but you need to remove your son from the potential of mental abuse or neglect as soon as possible.

I am 43, almost 44 years old... male.... and have been haunted most of my life because of mental abuse.  Get your kid out of that situation.  There are avenues you can take.  Look for them.

[specialmom]

to be honest, I've left a lot of advice on this site and I've never meant what I said more than what I wrote to you Kiki.

I understand it is difficult to admit a mistake in the man you've chosen and to disconnect yourself from him.  But we are our children's advocate.  If you don't stand up for your son, who will?  If he has adhd------- and I have a child with challenges as well-------- he already has a difficult road ahead of him.  Home is suppose to be safe.  Mom is suppose to introduce good things into their kid's lives.  

This problem will get worse.  Mark my words.  He's a little boy now.  But what do you think will happen as he becomes a pre teen and a teenager?  Do you think it will be better somehow?  No.  The stakes will just be bigger.  

And unfortunately, your son will resent you for the rest of his life for choosing this man over him.  

I'm not trying to be harsh with you.  I'm telling you from my heart that you are making a grave mistake.  This boyfriend doesn't like your son and picks on him.  How can you live with that?

I know you won't follow this advice--------- so at the very least, give your son counseling when he needs it and hugs all the time so that he feels loved in his home a bit.  As I said, I've never meant advice I've given more than what I've given in this thread.  good luck

[brice1967]

So you moved in with your boyfriend and he is mistreating your son..... RUN!  Having ADHD is enough, he does not need a complex because of it.  I think addressing the problem with meds is a great start, but keeping the child in an environment less than ideal is really counter productive.  

MOM!!!  Your son needs you to be his momma and help him.

[RockRose]

Kiki,  I don't think anyone thought it was easy for you to leave your BF,  or obviously you would have done that,  as a first solution.

Soon you'll be pregnant and won't be able to leave and your son will be stuck in the hell of living with a man who can hardly stand his presence and makes that known all the time even though he knows in his brain that it's wrong and he pretends to want to change.

Your boyfriend doesn't like your son,  and he isn't mature enough to pretend he does,  and that will damage your son in ways you can't even predict right now.

[inga511]

Kiki-I have two kids with ADHD and a husband with it too. I also have one another child with no symptoms. I def notice my husband picks on the two with ADHD more. I think we as humans notice people with same faults as ourselves more. It's just easier. I think there is nothing wrong with meds personally but realize too it's really hard too change someone who is an adult. Especially a guy. Try therapy. You can message mr too:)

Ingrid

[TTinKKerBBell]

You can't "wake up" Your BF.  Either he has empathy for Your Son or he doesn't. Since he doesn't then it's Your obligation, responsibility to make Your Son the #1 priority.

No one here is suggesting it would be "easy" for You to leave this relationship BUT everyone here recognizes that it would be the best thing for Your Son.

This treatment is damaging to Your Son and it's creating issues for Him that are going to trouble Him in one way or another possibly for the rest of His life.  It's Your job to protect Your Son even if it's at Your expense.  

You and the BF are the adults here - this is a 7 year old little boy - He needs His Mom to protect Him.

[Kiki0828]

I understand what you all are saying, but #1 I put my son on meds for ADHD due to the advice of his teachers, pediatrician and his psychologist, NOT my bf! #2 I'm surprised I didn't get a suggestion for us to seek counseling, as a couple, a family and/or for my bf alone. There is more to my story here, considering  we live together now and there are many other factors involved; it's not that easy to just pick up and leave, and also because of the fact that this all started a month after we moved in together. Something happened and I just needed some advice to figure out what that something is and how I could start trying to fix it, not the quick & easy "just leave him". He has a problem and admits it, we argue when it happens because I won't let him treat my son that way, I just wondered if there was someone going through the same or similar situation, and what they might be doing or plan to do to FIX their situation, not just give up when the going got tough.

[penswriter]

A man who picks on a child is no man. Ditch him...for your sons sake.

[RockRose]

The boyfriend needs to go.  

[jenkaye21]

Agreed 100%.  A child's welfare should ALWAYS come first to a mom.  I'm sure it would be hard, and i'm sure your BF has good qualities.  None of them make up for the way he is undoubtedly making your son feel.  Your son will never forget it for the rest of his life, trust me.

[specialmom]

Oh, this hurts my heart for your son.  It really does.  Mom, what are you doing?  Why would you subject your child to this man?  How can your boy ever feel good about himself if mom picks someone and places him in his life that picks on him and doesn't like him?  This could do great damage to his self esteem and is so unfair.  I know you must care for your boyfriend as you've been with him for two years----------- but it is the absolute wrong thing to do to bring such a negative influence into your son's life.  

I feel you should leave your boyfriend rather than being on pins and needles that your son's medication will help him be less irritating to him.  

There are other men out there that would be a better fit for your whole family verses just you.  Please do your son a huge favor and let this man go.  Good luck